Interested in how to be a better submissive slave? Want a Master of your own (who also owns you)?
If you’re reading this article then you probably already find the idea of being a slave appealing.
Perhaps you’ve read some erotic fiction or watched slave porn, and you’re interested in the concept.
Maybe you’re a novice to kink, or you enjoy hot, passionate, BDSM sex, or you have always had a Dom and sub relationship but want to take it a step further.
Whatever your experience, the tips below will help you navigate this world smoothly.
What qualities make a good submissive slave?
Everyone I’ve met who enjoys a Master/slave (M/s) dynamic tends to have one or more of the following qualities. The more of these personality traits you have, the more likely you are to be a great slave.
Submissive. Top of the list is general submissiveness. The best subs I’ve encountered are submissive by nature. It’s not an act they put on. It’s a core tenant of their personality, and present in many aspects of their life. This doesn’t mean they are a pushover – I’ve seen people thrive in incredibly demanding work environments that I wouldn’t choose to put myself in, but deep down they ultimately want someone else to be in charge in a relationship.
Empathetic and altruistic. Slaves are in tune with the needs and wants of others. That is the purpose of a submissive slave after all. They must anticipate what their Master needs and bring it or do it for them. High levels of empathy and emotional intelligence are therefore highly sought after traits. The best submissive partners I’ve had work in fields that in some way help the world become a better place (teaching, social work, child care, nursing, doctors, charities, etc.).
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Dislike making decisions. Slaves don’t enjoy making choices. They find it stressful. If you ask them what they want for breakfast expect to wait many minutes for an answer. They’ll study a restaurant menu for ages, unable to decide what they want to eat, asking you what you’re having. I would often tell my partner what I was going to have and she’d respond with “Oh that looks good! Maybe I’ll have that”! Being a slave takes the responsibility and hard work of making decisions out of their hands, and places it firmly in their Master’s. The Master enjoys the power, and the slave enjoys the freedom.
Put others happiness above their own. One of the reasons submissive types don’t like making decisions is that they are often thinking about your happiness above theirs (it comes with being so empathetic). They would prefer you to tell them what you want, so they see you happy, rather than them make a poor decision which leads to you not getting what you want. Your happiness equals their happiness. As an example, they want you to pick the restaurant to go to so you enjoy the meal, even if on their own they may have chosen a different restaurant. They don’t mind that they didn’t get to eat their favourite cuisine, because you did. And that is satisfaction enough.
Enjoy rules and structure. Slaves were the goody two shoes at school. The girls and boys who did everything right and loved getting the recognition from those in charge when they did something well. Slave personalities thrive having a specific set of rules to follow to keep them on track, keep them progressing, and ensure everyone around them is happy too.
Enjoy learning. Slaves enjoy the process of being taught new things. They tend to be quick learners and intelligent individuals. They need to pick up and remember their Master’s rules, commands, likes and dislikes during slave training to serve well.
Thrives on rewards and recognition. When a slave does a good job, they want the just rewards. A simple “You’ve gone a wonderful job today, little girl. You’ve served me well” is as good as an olympic gold medal to them. They are the kids who loved getting a gold star for a school project. Without praise, how do they know they are doing a good job serving you?
Enjoy being corrected and punished. Just as they enjoy praise, they want to be corrected and disciplined when they don’t do things well. Their desire to serve is strong, and they want to be told off for getting things wrong so they can improve. If they are also into masochism and enjoy being a pain slut, then punishments might be physical and painful, such as a caning (as long as it isn’t a funishment). If they aren’t into pain, then a verbal telling off would also work.
How should a submissive slave act?
I’ve tried to think of a few mantras which a slave should keep in their minds. It’s by no means a complete list, but a starting point.
A good slave should:
- always put their Master first. They are his property and their guiding objective is to serve him.
- act with grace and humility, performing their duties efficiently, with minimal fuss.
- be mindful and work with purpose. They should not let their mind wander or get caught out by losing focus.
- be available to do their Master’s bidding when he needs them.
- be respectful and not talk back to their Master. Some Masters will only let their slave speak after permission is asked for.
- be clear on their duties, and ask their Master for clarity if unsure.
- work to improve their service whenever possible, refining the skills they need to get the job done. For example, if their Master enjoys massage, they should take instruction or watch YouTube videos to improve their technique.
- never put themselves in harm’s way, or do anything they morally object to, or is illegal. If your Master is putting you in these types of situations, it’s time to break the dynamic and have a talk.
When should you be a slave for him?
Well that all depends on what type of BDSM slave you are. If you’re a high protocol 24/7 dynamic kind of slave then you are always ‘on’.
You are always working or ready to work. You live and breathe your Dom and sub dynamic and it is everything in your life.
I’d say only a teeny tiny percentage of Dom/sub relationships fall into this category.
These approaches are more lighthearted, playful and fun – my preferred way of doing things.
You have a normal life and do normal coupley things. The D/s dynamic may not be present or apparent to anyone looking on from the outside.
And then, at certain times, the M/s dynamic starts. It may be:
- Only in the bedroom. You act as his sex slave, but return to an even power structure afterwards.
- Always in private. As soon as you enter the house the Master/slave dynamic begins.
- In private at set times. You have a codeword, or agree a set time at which the dynamic will begin and end. For example, you might decide on a ‘date’ night one evening, or decide that the entire weekend you want to be a slave.
- In private at random. If you are a naturally submissive woman, you may enjoy doing things for your partner even if you haven’t specifically agreed to enter the M/s dynamic at that moment in time. As an example, I might ask my partner to fetch me a glass or water, or sit on the floor. The simply act of giving the command ‘turns on’ slave mode, and she loves it.
- 24/7. As discussed above, this is rare, and not my preferred approach.
What are a slave’s duties?
A good Master will set rules and give you chores to carry out. The type of duties you are given will depend on what type of slave you are, what you enjoy, what you’ve negotiated with your Mater, and how deep you wish to go down the rabbit hole.
A slave’s duties might include:
- Carrying out chores. Their Master sets for them ad-hoc tasks to do during the day, either in person or remotely via text message. The slave should carry out those tasks within an acceptable time limit and to a high standard.
- Providing sexual services. A sex slave is responsible for providing their Master with sexual pleasure. This might mean the slave actively engaging to make their Master orgasm through manual or oral stimulation, or simply be an object available to be used as a sex toy (known as ‘free use’).
- Performing rituals. A ritual is a sequence of activities performed to highlight submission to a slave’s Master. Examples of rituals might be texting their Master ‘Good morning’ every day, cockwarming him daily, or extravagant worship ceremonies where great lengths are taken to worship the Master by kneeling or adopting submissive poses.
How to be a good long-term sub
A submissive slave generally looks for a longterm partnership with their Master. The amount of time it requires to learn their Dom’s preferences dictates this.
What’s the point in learning all of his routines and ways of operating if it is only going to be for a couple of nights? It’s not even possible to learn all of that in a couple of nights.
A good longterm sub for a Dom is able to juggle her work life balance well. If you’re in a 24/7 dynamic this responsibility can be passed to the Dom, but if you are in a more casual Master/slave relationship then you will have to put in the work to keep things on track.
Personally, I want a slave who has the same personality traits I would expect in a normal girlfriend, as well as enjoying being submissive. Someone who is kind, caring, outgoing, happy, keeps themselves active, has a good career, is self aware, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink excessively and has a great sense of humour.
Maintaining your Master/slave relationship
A good longterm submissive slave is willing to work on herself to improve. She’s also willing to spend time working on the relationship with her Dom.
Any relationship needs work. And BDSM relationships need even more work!
It’s useful to think of the relationship as a separate entity to the two of you which has to be corrected, moulded, massaged and kept on track.
Some ideas to help you do this include:
- Weekly relationship check-ins where you both sit down and discuss what went well that week and areas that can be improved.
- Discussion after a BDSM scene about what you both enjoyed, what you’d like to do more of, and what parts can be improved.
- If both parties are happy with the current D/s dynamic, or if there are duties or rules which need to be removed or added.
- If the slave contract needs to be updated.
- If your hard and soft limits are still the same.
Having frank and in-depth conversations like this can be scary.
Make sure you have them in a neutral setting (ie not in the bedroom) and you are both relaxed and ready to talk. If your mind is elsewhere, you won’t give the conversation your full attention and may say something you don’t mean.
How do I become a submissive slave?
If you’re still reading and haven’t run for the hills, this whole BDSM slave thing might be for you.
But how do you become a slave?
Typically you’ll need to:
- Find a Master. Look for a dominant who enjoys the M/s dynamic. Not all Doms do. Make sure your Master is going to look after you, and not take advantage or abuse you. A good dominant isn’t aggressive, rude, pushy, disregarding of your feelings, or abusive. They take their responsibility for your care and wellbeing seriously and want the best for you. Go to local munches, post on the Fetlife.com forums, meet people at kinky parties or kinky talks, leave subtle clues in your online dating profile that indicate your interest in submissiveness (Doms have a nose for this type of thing), drop subtle hints on dates, or discuss your desires with your current boyfriend or husband.
- Communicate wants, needs and limits. Talk to your potential Master. Help them understand why you want to be a submissive slave. What about it turns you on? What are you comfortable doing or not doing? What are your hard limits? What type of Master and slave dynamic do you want? If you have trouble sharing this in person, consider writing down your thoughts alone then emailing them to him.
- Undergo slave training. Slave training helps you learn your Master’s way of doing things. This can be anything from how they enjoy their morning coffee to how they enjoy dominating you during sex. It also provides your Master an opportunity to learn what you need from him. Remember – this isn’t a one way street. If you’re not getting anything out of the relationship then something isn’t right. You may be in a co-dependent relationship.
- Be collared. You’ve passed all his tests and he’s pleased with you. You’re ready to officially serve him. Upgrade your training collar to something more permanent, pick out a day collar, and demonstrate you belong to him by wearing it often.
Enjoy your service
The final thing to say is – enjoy your service!
I see a Master/slave dynamic as ‘colder’ and less affectionate than other types of D/s relationships (because the traditional image of a slave is of having their personality stripped from them, and acting as a robot), but really it is whatever you make of it.
Personally I want my partner’s personality to shine through, which is why I mix M/s with DDLG and traditional Dom and sub practises. That way I get to see all of her characteristics and quirks, and don’t reduce her to an object (even though she may want this at certain times!).
Have fun. Play. Experiment. Use your dynamic to grow closer to each other. Be the best submissive slave you can be, whatever that means for you and your partner.