The D/s dynamic I enjoy is unique to me and the type of dominant I am. No two dynamics will be the same, just like no two vanilla relationships are the same.
BDSM isn’t a single thing you do. It’s a convenient grouping used to shoehorn several different practices into a single four-letter acronym.
So when I say I am into BDSM, it’s the equivalent of saying I’m into Italian food. Just because I like Italian food, doesn’t mean I like every single thing an Italian person cooks and eats. Italians have a diet rich in fish for example, but I can’t stand the taste.
Over the years I’ve read articles, sat down and thought about what turns me on, and had submissive partners expose kinks I never knew I had.
All of these learnings and experiences feed into a constantly shifting approach to BDSM, and the D/s dynamic I enjoy with submissive women.
In this article, I want to give you a sense of what personally makes me tick, and what type of dominant I am (at the time of writing). I found articles like this entertaining and information when I was starting out, and wanted to figure out how I should begin being more dominant, or how I should act in a D/s dynamic with submissive women.
But let’s start with clarifying exactly what BDSM is.
What exactly is BDSM?
BDSM encompasses three main categories:
- Bondage & discipline (BD)
- Dominance & submission (DS)
- Sadism and masochism (SM)
Within each of these categories, you have subcategories, and within those subcategories, you have activities (I picture it as a giant tree diagram).
As an example, slave training would be a subcategory under the bondage & discipline category, and also the dominance & submission category (there’s no black and white in BDSM – things can be in multiple categories!).
And within slave training, you could have activities such as ’teaching someone submissive positions to adopt on your command’, or ‘making her wear a slave collar around the house’.
The beauty of BDSM is two-fold:
- Although there are three top-level categories, there’s no list of subcategories.
- The activities within categories are unlimited. It’s up to you to discover what you enjoy and do that. You can do whatever the fuck you want. If something turns you on, who cares if it doesn’t slot nicely into a predefined, labelled category.
Think of it like a mixing desk in a recording studio. You’ve got three big dials you can turn to control how much of each main category of BDSM you want in your D/s dynamic. Just because you decide to dial Sadism and masochism way back and submission way up doesn’t make your D/s dynamic any less than anyone else’s.
The fun is figuring out the optimum settings on your dials to give you maximum enjoyment, fun and pleasure.
What about my D/s dynamic
With that in mind, let me walk you through my preferred dial settings in my D/s dynamics, and give you a sense of what type of dominant I am.
Bondage & discipline
Dial setting: 2/5
Let’s start with bondage.
When people think of BDSM they tend to imagine bondage as a key component. In my relationships not so much.
I own various restraints (under bed restraints, bondage tape, ankle and cuff restraints, doorframe restraints) and rope, and enjoy using them every now and again. Having someone tied up so you can do anything (consensually) to them is a lot of fun.
I enjoy restraining someone mainly because it gives them pleasure. Seeing them take pleasure from it gives me a sense of enjoyment and fulfilment.
But I can’t say it’s a huge turn on. It’s more satisfying than anything else. If a partner of mine wasn’t interested in bondage it wouldn’t be the end of the world.
And what about discipline?
I enjoy setting rules and ensuring they are followed. Some light punishment those rules are not followed is also fun (why bother setting rules if they aren’t going to be followed after all).
But I’m not in a high protocol Master/slave (M/s) dynamic, where I have slaves at my bidding 24/7 and where one step out of line requires immediate disciplinary action. Nor would I want a D/s dynamic like that.
The word discipline implies rigidity and structure, which I feel are the opposite of what I enjoy: play, freedom, spontaneity, sensuality.
Dominance and submission
Dial setting: 5/5.
Here’s the area in which I play.
I enjoy being the dominant one in a relationship and dating submissive women.
They don’t have to be submissive ALL the time. At work they can and should be a tiger. But when they get home they are my kitten.
The mental and psychological game of power exchange gets me going.
I like being the one who makes the decisions, takes charge, and has my submissive do things for me.
As I’ve pointed out before in my how to be a good Dom article, this does not mean I am overly controlling, aggressive or exhibit misogynistic behaviour.
My style of dominance is one of a caregiver (leaning towards DDLG), tending to the needs of my submissive (both sexually and in everyday life), whilst also ensuring I get something for myself.
Let me give you a clear example.
Suppose my partner and I wanted to book a holiday.
I don’t decide where I want to go, book it, then demand my sub takes that week off work and pay for the entire thing. That’s called being a dick, not a Dom.
Instead, we discuss options like any normal couple. Where does she want to visit? Where do I want to go? What type of holiday are we both after? Are you free that week? No? What about the following week, because I know I can get time off from my boss.
It’s a negotiation where both parties have similar levels of power.
Now if we’ve narrowed down the options, and she can’t decide between two places, or which week to go, it’s time for me to step in.
I take the lead, make the decision (again still considering her needs and preferences) and make the booking (or ask her to do it as part of a sub-task).
What I’m trying to get across is that the power dynamic in my D/s relationship constantly shifts depending upon the interactions I”m having.
It isn’t always me having to be 100% in control. But ultimately her naturally submissive personality will defer to me on certain occasions. Such as if she is stressed by all the choices and can’t make a decision, or really doesn’t care where we go because she just wants me to enjoy myself on holiday (which again due to her natural submissive qualities makes her happy).
It works for me because I like to know details, do research, ensure I’m getting a good deal, etc.. And it works for her – no stress of making a decision, happy Dom, knows I won’t choose a holiday she hates. It may even stretch her comfort zone slightly and allow her to discover something or somewhere she would never have gone before.
As an example, I suggested to a partner we go on on a sailing and cycling holiday. She’d never tried sailing and hadn’t done much cycling either. Fast forward a few years – we are no longer together but she’s been on several similar holidays since, loves sailing, and goes cycling around London most weekends!
Don’t make the mistake that just because you are the Dom in the D/s dynamic that you always have to be dominant. The same woman who enjoyed being submissive to be suggested, booked and organised a trip around Italy for us both.
Did it break out D/s dynamic because I’d let her take charge? Of course not! It’s just an example of how the power dynamic ebbs and flows depending upon the situation.
Thinking about it, it’s difficult to even tell what is a dominant act and what is a submissive act in that holiday example. You could argue I was the dominant one because I sat back and let her do all the work booking something. Or you could argue I was the submissive one because I let her take charge and book everything.
Dominance and submission isn’t always about the activities you are doing. It’s a feeling you get inside your body. You’ll know at any moment if you feel dominant or submissive. I didn’t feel submissive when she emailed me saying she’d booked the holiday for us. My personality is on the dominant end of the spectrum, so I filter all events through that lens. I saw it her doing a nice thing for me. She saved me all the admin. Yes if I did identify as submissive I’d be viewing it through a submissive lens, and WOULD see sitting back as a submissive act, and being taken care of by my dominant.
In summary, for me dominance isn’t about bossing someone around. It’s your world paradigm. It’s the dominant lens through which you filter everything. It’s exuding quietly confident masculine energy.
And submission isn’t about always doing what someone else tells you or being a complete pushover. A submissive is still a highly capable autonomous human being. It’s about choosing to submit to someone at particular moments and sink into your feminine energy, allowing it to intertwine with another masculine energy to create something beautiful.
(As a side note, when I talk about masculine and feminine energies, I am not talking about gender. Both men and women have masculine and feminine energy and can dial either one of them up. If you are a female dominant then in your D/s dynamic you will bring a more masculine energy to your BDSM play, whilst your male submissive will play with his feminine energy. I am a firm believer that the polarity of masculine and feminine energy is what creates sexual attraction).
Sadism and masochism
Dial setting: 2/5
I don’t like inflicting pain on someone I care for (or someone I don’t like either!).
I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman who identifies as pain slut type of submissive, so haven’t had a chance to experience to dish out much sadism.
That said, if we include humiliation and degradation into the category of Sadism and masochism then I’d rank myself higher.
I enjoy calling my sub a little slut and tell her she’s a fuck toy for my pleasure (more objectification and a bit of degradation than sadism really).
The intent isn’t to hurt – it’s more to indicate how attracted to her I am, and how I simply can’t resist her sexiness. I only do this with submissives who have consented, and who I know are aroused by the thought of being overpowered or forced to have sex because it highlights their desirability and sexual openness.
Face and breast slapping, facials, making a woman gag on my cock, could also be put into the degradation (and mild humiliation) category, and are things I enjoy.
Writing on someone in marker pen that they are ‘Daddy’s girl’ or ‘My little cum slut’ is also fun.
Real humiliation, such as making someone stand in front of a window naked for anyone on the street passing is kind of a turn on, but I haven’t been with many subsmissives who enjoy humiliation outside the bedroom. It would be a punishment if anything for them.
Hard caning or impact play which leaves huge bruises isn’t for me. I like leaving some handprints with smacks on the bum, but nothing that lasts more than a few days. I also don’t enjoy watching porn where a woman is being tortured in a dungeon or hit hard. I am not repulsed by it, but it doesn’t turn me on.
A woman being restrained in a softer environment such as the bedroom or living room, and then being forced to perform sex acts, have sex toys inserted, and generally used by another man or woman is a turn on, especially if the woman is clearly enjoying herself.
It reminds me of an anal slave training porn video both my sub and I though was hot in which a young woman was kneeling on a piece of BDSM furniture, her neck in a leather sub collar with a leash attached to the ceiling so she couldn’t move.
The Dom skillfully teased her pussy with a glass dildo, before moving on to her ass. Her face was a mixture of apprehension but at the same time pleasure as she experienced the scene (again – all of this would have been agreed upfront and consensual).
My D/s dynamic in a nutshell
So there you have it. I love dominance and submission, enjoy some humiliation and degradation, could take or leave bondage, and am ambivalent about sadism.
Now get out there and experiment you kinky thing. Try different stuff and mix your own style of BDSM relationship.
Don’t forget to leave me a comment with your scores in each of the three main BDSM areas, or tell me what kind of submissive for dominant you are.