The Pleasure Dom (what it is and how to be one)

The Pleasure Dom

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Key takeaways

  • A Pleasure Dom is a dominant partner who focuses on providing pleasure and fulfilling the desires of their submissive partner.
  • They prioritize the physical and emotional well-being of their submissive and aim to create a safe and consensual environment for exploration and play.

I’ll admit that I hadn’t heard the term Pleasure Dom until fairly recently.

Typically when I hear the word Dominant my mind jumps to the more classic styles of dominance that exist (at least it used to):

  • The Rigger (someone who loves rope bondage)
  • The Master (someone who enjoys higher protocol dominance involving lots of rules and punishments)
  • The Daddy Dom (someone who enjoys DDlg, or at least providing care to their submissive rather than pain)
  • The Sadist (someone who gets off on inflicting pain through impact play)

In reality, the term Pleasure Dom describes my dominant style more appropriately than those listed above because I love giving pleasure!

I actively refused to call myself a Dom or acknowledge I was into BDSM for many years because in my mind pleasure seemed to take a back seat in most D/s dynamics.

I had the incorrect idea that being a Dominant was mainly about inflicting consensual pain on a partner, and that never really appealed to me.

I just wanted to be a great lover, give my partner lots of orgasms, experience new sensations together, and try out a feast of new sexual activities.

This jarred with what I thought BDSM was all about

It seemed like it was the submissive who was there to pleasure the Dominant, not the other way around.

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Sensational Scenes

How to heighten arousal, induce Subspace, and have mind-blowing sexual experiences.

The Dominant would coach and instruct the submissive on how to give them pleasure, and the submissive would willingly obey.

Once I got more experience and grew into my dominance, I realised that these ideas weren’t accurate.

Sure, plenty of submissives LOVE giving pleasure to their Doms.

And yes, plenty of submissives also enjoy being bossed around (consensually), following rules, receiving pain and punishments, and being under the control of their Dom.

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But there are also plenty of D/s relationships that are structured around providing mutual pleasure to one another. A Pleasure Dom/sub dynamic is more akin to a regular relationship – the key difference is there are elements of power play sprinkled in. The Dominant provides pleasure using physical and mental dominance techniques.

This was the style of dominance I fell in love with, and continue to enjoy today.

What is a Pleasure Dom?

Let’s get more specific with a definition (as with all definitions, it is open to interpretation).

A Pleasure Dom (an abbreviated form of “Pleasure Dominant”) is a style of dominance where the primary role is to focus on providing pleasure to their partner, combining elements of dominance and submission with the main emphasis being consensual pleasure.

The Pleasure Dom in return feels a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment from having created and given these pleasurable experiences to their submissive partner.

Unlike the other dominant roles I outlined above, the Pleasure Dominant is there to take care of their partner’s satisfaction, well-being, and overall enjoyment.

As with all D/s dynamics, consent, open communication, and consideration of a partner’s desires and limits are fundamental.

Pleasure Dom responsibilities

A Pleasure Dom’s role encompasses much more than simply orchestrating pleasurable experiences. To provide the best pleasure in a consensual way, they take on the following responsibilities:

  • Establishing clear boundaries and consent with their submissive partner.
  • Communicating effectively to understand their partner’s desires, limits, and fantasies.
  • Create an environment where their partner can freely express their desires, fantasies, and boundaries without fear of judgment.
  • Actively listen to their partner, paying attention to verbal and nonverbal cues to ensure their comfort and enjoyment.
  • Craft customised experiences for their partner, understanding that each individual’s preferences and needs are unique.
  • Take charge of scenes and guide their submissive through various experiences.
  • Provide aftercare and emotional support to their submissive partner.
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Pleasure Dom qualities

A good Pleasure Dom has the following qualities:

  • Empathy and emotional intelligence to understand and respond to their partner’s needs.
  • Strong communication skills to establish and maintain consent and boundaries.
  • Knowledge of BDSM practices, techniques, and safety protocols.
  • Creativity and adaptability to cater to their partner’s unique desires and fantasies.
  • Patience and understanding to navigate the complexities of power dynamics and emotional vulnerability.

A Pleasure Dom should know their submissive inside out. I highly recommend you and your partner complete a Sex Menu.

Consent and communication

At the heart of any BDSM relationship, including those involving Pleasure Doms, is the cornerstone of consent. In this context, consent is the unequivocal agreement of all parties involved to participate in specific activities or experiences.

Pleasure Doms prioritise clear and ongoing communication with their partner to ensure their actions align with their partner’s desires and boundaries.

Before engaging in any activities, discussions should be had to establish mutual understanding and consent.

These conversations delve into preferences, limits, and potential triggers to guarantee that both partners are on the same page. This open dialogue is crucial for creating a safe and enriching experience for everyone involved.

Why be a Pleasure Dom?

Surrendering control to a Pleasure Dom can be incredibly empowering for the submissive partner. It requires a significant level of trust, as the submissive places their well-being and pleasure in the hands of the Pleasure Dom.

This level of trust fosters intimacy and connection, as the partners explore vulnerability and desire together.

As a Dom, you benefit from:

  • Building deep trust and intimacy with your submissive partner.
  • Witnessing the pleasure and fulfillment of your partner’s desires.
  • Personal growth and self-discovery through exploring your own dominant identity.
  • Being part of a supportive and understanding BDSM community.

It’s not all easy, however. As a Dom you’ll have to navigate:

  • Balancing power dynamics and maintaining consent.
  • Navigating the emotional complexities and potential triggers of their submissive partner.
  • Continuously learning and evolving to meet their partner’s changing needs and desires.
  • Dealing with societal stigma and misconceptions surrounding BDSM.

The benefits hugely outweigh the drawbacks. You’ll find consent and communication easier as your skills as a Dominant increase.

Typical Pleasure Dom activities

The Pleasure Dom does many of the same activities a regular Dom would do. The key is how they do them and the intent behind the actions.

Key point

Intent is the core concept of my book Sensational Scenes. If being a Pleasure Dom is something that feels right to you, then check it out. I go into much more detail about the psychology of dominance and how to create incredibly pleasurable experiences for your partner.

Sensational Scenes

Here’s an example I often use.

Think about all the different ways you can kiss someone on the lips.

You could:

  • Do it ever so lightly, barely brushing their skin
  • Give them a peck with a closed mouth
  • Lightly bite their top lip
  • Push them up against a wall by their neck as you kiss
  • Jam your down down their throat

Each is a kiss, but they all feel very different to the recipient. And the reaction will be different, depending upon their mood.

If your partner is into aggressive dominance, the last two are perfect. If they are a beginner and prefer a sensual style of dominance, then the middle two are great.

As a Pleasure Dom, you need to start thinking about this stuff.

Your intent will take you from “average” to “Oh my, God please take me now” and have your sub craving you 24/7.

As I outline the activities below, consider the intent.

It’s not necessarily the activities that are the main takeaway – it’s how you perform those activities that make you the Pleasure Dom. 

Sensory play

This might involve various sensory play, role-playing scenarios, and other activities that cater to the submissive partner’s specific desires.

  • Blindfolding: Blocking the sense of sight heightens other senses, making touches, whispers, and even subtle movements much more electrifying.
  • Feather tickling: The gentle brush of feathers over the skin creates tantalizing shivers and stimulates nerve endings.
  • Ice and wax play: Alternating between the cold touch of ice and the warm drips of melted wax on the skin produces a thrilling contrast of temperatures.
  • Sensation massage: Employing various textures like silk, fur, or rough fabric during a massage takes tactile pleasure to new heights.
  • Sound manipulation: Incorporating soft music, whispered words or even unexpected loud noises into play can trigger a range of emotional responses.
  • Touch. Light touching and stroking all over the body with your hands.
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Light spanking

Light impact play can add a thrill whilst not being painful when done playfully (remember, it’s all about intent).

  • Start with gentle taps or light smacks, gradually increasing intensity if desired. Take cues from your partner’s reactions and check in regularly to ensure they are enjoying and consenting to the experience.
  • Use your hand, a soft flogger, or a paddle. These are less painful than whips and canes, which is the vibe you are going for. Read more about impact play here.
  • Combine light spanking with sensory play for the ultimate experience.

Teasing

Teasing can be incredibly arousing. Slowly build your partner up on the arousal scale until they are close to orgasm, then back off.

Repeat this process multiple times until they are squirming. Finally, allow them to orgasm. You’ll find the power of their orgasm is stronger than if you had let them come right away.

Toys

The Pleasure Dom knows how to use sex toys to their full effect. My sex toys of choice for giving pleasure would be a wand vibrator and leather wrist cuffs. That’s all you need to start!

Over time you can build up your arsenal of toys and experiment with other types of toys. Check out my sex toy chest.

Tantra

I know a few couples who enjoy tantra work as part of their D/s dynamic.

Tantra incorporates elements of meditation, visualization, breathing exercises, mantra chanting, and physical postures, among other techniques.

When used in a sexual context, it is about creating a deep connection with your partner through techniques such as breathing, touch, eye gazing, and more. This increased connection leads to heightened sensitivity and therefore more pleasure for both partners.

How to find a Pleasure Dom

Are you a sub reading this article wondering how to find a Pleasure Dom?

The truth is, finding a Pleasure Dom is very similar to finding a regular Dom.

I would even argue it is EASIER than finding a regular Dom, because a Pleasure Dom is just someone who enjoys giving pleasure!

So you’ve got two options:

  • Find a regular Dom and hope they are into giving pleasure.
  • Find a vanilla person and encourage them to try out their dominance on you.

Both options can work, and I recommend you try both.

For more advice on how to find a dominant, read my guides on how to find a dominant partner.

Conclusion

The role of a Pleasure Dom in the BDSM community is one of exploration, connection, and mutual satisfaction.

The Pleasure Dom is there to:

  • Know what their partner enjoys the most, including desires, limits, fantasies, and boundaries.
  • Create sensual BDSM scenes that are more relaxing, sensual and erotic than hardcore. They do this by altering the techniques they use.
  • Pleasure their partner in a variety of ways, including using sex toys, light impact play, sensory play, light spanking, touch, and perhaps tantra.

I see the role of the Pleasure Dom as closer to what a traditional partner in a relationship would do in bed, except with the added layer of dominance and submission.

While it comes with its challenges, being a Pleasure Dom can be immensely rewarding, both personally and in terms of building an intimate connection with their partner.

The Art of Submission. A course for beginner submissives
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John

Taking it to the next level start combing these aspects !!

slowly drawing a riding crop with a silk hooded keeper (that’s the thin end of the crop with the leather) over the skin of a restrained and blindfolded sub often produces quite the reaction. It’s perfect for teasing.

Beca

I’m new, a total newbie. I explored when I was younger and got scared from the kink life because of harm done to me during my inexperience. A friend recommended fetlife and I joined and have found a dom who has not called himself a pleasure dom but I believe he is. Anyone care to listen and tell me I’m not just assuming this. “Daddy” and I have not lined everything out yet we’re easing into it as I am more of a brat sub who likes riling my dom up, does that mean I don’t deserve him as a pleasure dom even on my best behavior?

David

Hiya Beca,

I think that “Daddy” might be a clue that he is looking for a DDlg Dominant Daddy/little girl relationship – so you might like to explore this more and see if it floats your boat? However, in view of your past encounters I’d suggest you might feel more secure and confident with a more experienced Dom to guide you/admonish your bratty behaviour.

Please let us know how you get on?

Cheers David

PB

Would “soft dom” be similar to “pleasure dom”?

Both sound incredibly appealing to this nascent submissive

Last edited 4 months ago by PB
David

Really great article, really chimes with my own experiences.

This Definition of a Pleasure Dominant fits me pretty perfectly, I prioritise my subs pleasure and fairly frequently don’t cum myself. Oral is my secret sauce – there are very few women that don’t really enjoy oral. It quickly builds trust and confidence with your sub, removes inhibitions and moves you on quickly as they allow you to take control.

Couple of areas to add onto your menu:

Talking Dirty – which can be very pleasurable for the sub; and a means to:

Exploring Fantasies – persuading the sub to reveal their secret inner fantasies for a descriptive narrative role-play complemented and enhanced with props or stimulation.

Sharing – if you’re truly polyamorous as I am you can get a real kick out introducing your sub to another partner – male of female dependent upon preference ofc, or to group sex. 

Emma

I am a switch and I do this with my dom sometimes I’m new to being dominant with a male but this is how I want to be with it. How can I focus on his pleassure more and still make it dominant?

Mariah

I’m a switch, new to being domme too, for my pleasure dom/Daddy/baby boy. For us, we have a “code” for what we want/can be when subbing (used or cared), or notice it through the way we talk. I think it comes down to communication, I am much more needy as a sub than my babe is, for example, so specially in aftercare i require a lot more attention after a hard session.
We have a reward system for good behavior (given we’re both brats). If he gives me pleasure, i give him pleasure (but on my terms). Ultimately when I do use him “harshly” his aftercare will be more thorough and next day, he gets a reward as well for being a good boy (shower together, bj, etc). It is all about communication and discovery babe. I hope this helps, have fun!

Grasshopper

Thanks for the intriguing label I was looking for. The Dom in me recently awakened when I stepped out of the sub role for the first time with a new partner.

I wanted to share the first scene I’m creating and see if you had any suggestions or add-ons. I’ve been really struggling to find non-impact and non-humiliation ideas online that aren’t boring as shit 😅

Context: my partner is incredibly confident in so many aspects of her life but still has the occasional body image issues and needs to be reminded of her physical beauty. She also has the love language of words of affirmation.

The scene:
Have her dressed in clothing I’ve chosen for ease of removal and sensual fabrics. Have her blindfolded and standing in the middle of the room. Three of her partners sitting on a couch watching as a crowd that she’s aware of. Soft instrumental music playing. I walk around her, reading an erotic poem about being desired as I slowly reveal parts of her body. The crowd ooh-ing and getting audibly excited as her body gets more and more revealed.

I have a few ideas about lines for the poem/”story” paired with actions. Like:
“She could hear it in their pained breaths how much they wanted to touch her” and get one of the men to breathe heavy in her ear.
“She knew that with this much of her skin showing, it was only a matter of time before they couldn’t resist” and have all the men slowly start to touch her skin with their hands.
“In awe of her fully exposed body, she heard them go silent as they gazed at her beauty” as the final line after I remove her last bit of clothing. All the men go quiet and a painters light (one of those lights that gets hot) is turned on towards her. And we sit there in silence for a moment. Then I would put a robe on her, turn off the light, and take the blindfold off, finishing the experience.