Absolutely not.
Being a submissive does not mean you have to do everything your dominant tells you to.
That would be a non-consensual abusive relationship.
A dom sub relationship is about trust, negotiation and communication. It’s about creating a shared experience in which both the sub and dom get some form of pleasure out of the exchange.
Although the dominant leads, and is viewed as having the power, the sub absolutely has power to say no, or stop play using a safe word if they are feeling uncomfortable, even if their dom is enjoying themselves.
If a dominant becomes angry, or chastises you for doing any of the above, this is a massive red flag.
They don’t understand what a dom sub relationship is really about, and need educating.
If a dominant is stacking the deck in their favour, not listening, threatening you, or forcing you to do something you are not comfortable with, that’s abuse.
Get out and don’t look back.
Now, another situation arises where you have agreed with your dominant what activities you both want to do.
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You’ve sat down (outside of the power dynamic) and negotiated. If you agree you want to be punished for not following the rules you’ve agree upon, that is perfectly fine. You are consenting to having rules in your dynamic and following them.
But you are also free to speak up if rules aren’t working for you, need clarifying, or need changing. Relationship styles evolve over time, and you should continually reflect with your dom to make sure you’re both happy.
Only this week my sub and I had a conversation about submissive rules, and whether we thought any needed to be added and taken away in our dynamic.
We agreed not to change anything, but this checking in is important. And it was done without the power dynamic at play, to ensure we were both heard.
If a dom is not willing to check in with you and have these types of discussion, or insists on ALWAYS maintaining power over you, it’s another red flag he’s not a dominant but an abuser.
A question recently arose on a forum where a submissive had been given a rule to say good morning and good night to her new dominant every day. She’d been doing this, but hadn’t received a response back from him, and wanted to know if that was normal.
The question isn’t whether this is normal or not. The question should be is this is the type of dynamic she wants.
A submissive who has a humiliation kink might enjoy being ignored.
But the majority of submissive I know would not be happy with no response for days on end, especially when they are putting in effort and getting no recognition for it.
I suggested she needed to share how his lack of response was making her feel, and that she would one. If her dominant simply didn’t care or refused to acknowledge her feelings, that’s another sign of an abuser, not a dominant.
The person I am with i met in high school but after meeting I moved away and we started being together after talking again years later. Other year of being in this dynamic with him it feels like I’m just living at his house all alone while he goes and stay with his friends for days at a time.
When he comes home he wants to have sexual things when I don’t want to and he guilt trick me into doing things like canceling plans to go see my family, giving hand jobs & blow jobs. I hate giving handjobs and blowjobs but he doesn’t listen.
I don’t know what to do ?
Leave him. He doesn’t treat you with any love or dignity. He doesn’t see you as a person worthy of respect. You are. You deserve so much better, & you won’t find it while you’re stuck with this loser. Cut him loose.
You say you have a dynamic with this man, but you haven’t described what kind of dynamic. Did you two discuss a Dominant/submissive relationship? Did you discuss your limits and boundaries? Did you discuss how sex would factor in, and what kind of sex? Did you discuss both of your expectations?
If you didn’t, you should have… both of you have responsibilities. He isn’t necessarily the bad guy, or the loser that the other commenter made him out to be. Maybe he is or maybe he isn’t. There isn’t enough information to know.
But assuming you are an adult, assuming you were not criminally coerced in some way, being a “submissive” does not mean you left your brain at the door. You have a responsibility to yourself, and to each other, to be honest. It is possible he is assuming “sex” is part of the equation and always has been, and sex to him is hand/blow jobs. Complaining after the fact may, indeed, just seem like a pouting submissive who doesn’t wanna.
If he will not talk to you like an adult, if he will not discuss limits, well, then perhaps it IS time to leave. The time for talking should have been before you moved in, but there is no reason that talking can’t happen now. Wearing a collar and saying “Sir” isn’t the only part of being a submissive, nor is he your meal ticket because you do those things. And “Sir” comes with responsibilities, awareness, knowledge, commitment, and honor… not just a shiny belt buckle.
I am in a Master/slave dynamic and came here doing an Internet search on this topic. M/s is different from D/s but it IS a type of D/s, and I consider myself to be a submissive as well as a “slave.”
While I understand what the author is saying, I think the article is written too absolutely. The individual dynamic needs to be taken into consideration. It is too simplistic to say some of these things are always indicative of abusive. There are varying levels of consent. As a slave I have the right to say no, but I can also be punished for it…even if I know that I am right. As a slave I have the right to leave, as there is no such thing as legal slavery.
If the thing your dominant is asking you to do is illegal or dangerous to your life, then you have very good reason to leave, and that doesn’t make you a bad “sub.” It makes you a responsible, thinking person. I won’t submit to an idiot, nor should I have to. If the dominant proves himself too stupid to be responsible for another human, then he shouldn’t have that responsibility. This goes to the old, “So you’re saying you’d have to walk in front of a moving bus then if your Master told you to.” (The answer is “no” and that dominant would be an idiot.) But if your dominant is asking you to do something you simply do not like? Like eating brussel sprouts? Well, then you may want to do some meditation on what submission really means to you. And always, you should be able to talk freely, albeit respectfully, with your dominant, no matter what kind of dynamic it is.
Thanks for your thoughts, Seeker. I agree with what you’ve said – D/s is nuanced and it all depends on what type of dynamic has been agreed upon.
My aim with this article was to protect those new submissives who are entering into dynamics that are one sided and they are receiving no benefit from, and who believe that they must do whatever their Dom says.
My philosophy on the topic is simple. Are both parties getting one or more benefit from the situation. If not, it might be time to leave.
The ‘benefit’ may be non-obvious and hidden however, so it requires good introspection to understand yourself and get to the core of why you like to be a Dom or sub. For example, someone may have agreed to a Total Power Exchange dynamic where they are forced to lick the shoes of their Master. They may not enjoy the specific act, but the benefits (different fro everyone, but examples include feelings of safety, reduction in stress at having to make decisions, satisfaction at knowing they do a good job, sexual pleasure at being objectified, etc) they get from being in this style of dynamic outweigh the temporary displeasure of the act.
Again, the article is aimed at those subs who have Doms who have not communicated or sat down to listen to what benefits they want to get from a D/s dynamic, and therefore are at the risk of being abused.
For others interested in this topic, I cover it a bit more in the Total Power Exchange article: https://kinkyevents.co.uk/total-power-exchange/
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.
I am a new sub. A couple of days ago my dom punished me so severely that I nearly sought medical attention. I ended up with sever back pain, had to take pain meds and ice myself. I cried most of the rest of the day. When I finally got up the nerve to discuss it with him, he refused to speak to me on the phone. Insisted the whole conversation be done via text. I asked about aftercare and was told I was punished therefore aftercare was not needed. I explained how upset I was and that it was not something I could do again. He does not seem to have much regard for my feedback. States I am being a bad sub and need to be punished more. Now I am scared and confused.
Hi Diana. This sounds to me like an abusive relationship, not a D/s relationship (although you partner is playing it off as one). I don’t know your personal situation so I won’t give any advice beyond think very carefully if you want this to continue.
Thank you
You do not have to accept that treatment. Im a pain slut and I wouldn’t put up with that. The refusal of aftercare is a red flag for me personally.
If that much pain is a hard limit for you make it absolutely clear.
If he isn’t willing to stick to your hard limits find a dom who will
I met a dom over the internet and haven’t physically met yet. One thing that stood out to me as a red flag was his unwillingness to simply send me a picture after his initial request of me sending him pictures of me. I fulfilled his request, yet he kept requesting more without sending me a picture of him as he said he would. Now because I have not sent him nudes, he’s holding that against me and despite me telling him I’m incapable of talking on the phone, when I did make time, he had me on the phone for 2 hours talking about his “total dom” experiences yet my children are going haywire because I don’t talk on the phone around them. I feel overwhelmed because he sends me an email telling me I need to do more research about being a sub because I’m not true to my word- when overall he never kept his and i still have no idea what he looks like. Red flag?
I am a new submissive in a D/s relationship (24/7). He is married I am separated . We are neighbors & began as an affair & after 2 mo he asked me to be his sub. I know absolutely nothing about the lifestyle. I am always on eggshells (except in the bedrm). Sex is great but other areas not so much. Are these things normal D/s behaviors? These are just a few : My Dom requires his needs first priority and mine 2nd. He gets upset if I don’t do exactly what he wants all the time-non negotiable. I can’t see friends w/0 prior approval (and no male friends, period ) and he now wants to put an app on my phone to track my location 24/7.
After reading posts here I am questioning my relationship
There’s only really one thing you need to ask yourself – are you happy and your needs being met?
For example, do you enjoy having your phone tracked? Does it excite you in some way and add value to your life?
If yes, then great. But from your message it sounds like you aren’t. “Walking on eggshells” isn’t a phrase used by someone unless they are afraid of their partner.
Please read what a healthy dynamic looks like. This seems more of a controlling an abusive relationship to me.