My Dominant Asked Me to Do Something But I Don’t Want to. Am I a Bad Sub?

Am I a fake sub?

Absolutely not.

Being a submissive does not mean you have to do everything your dominant tells you to.

That would be a non-consensual abusive relationship.

A dom sub relationship is about trust, negotiation and communication. It’s about creating a shared experience in which both the sub and dom get some form of pleasure out of the exchange.

Although the dominant leads, and is viewed as having the power, the sub absolutely has power to say no, or stop play using a safe word if they are feeling uncomfortable, even if their dom is enjoying themselves.

If a dominant becomes angry, or chastises you for doing any of the above, this is a massive red flag.

They don’t understand what a dom sub relationship is really about, and need educating.

If a dominant is stacking the deck in their favour, not listening, threatening you, or forcing you to do something you are not comfortable with, that’s abuse.

Get out and don’t look back.

Now, another situation arises where you have agreed with your dominant what activities you both want to do.

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You’ve sat down (outside of the power dynamic) and negotiated. If you agree you want to be punished for not following the rules you’ve agree upon, that is perfectly fine. You are consenting to having rules in your dynamic and following them.

But you are also free to speak up if rules aren’t working for you, need clarifying, or need changing. Relationship styles evolve over time, and you should continually reflect with your dom to make sure you’re both happy.

Only this week my sub and I had a conversation about submissive rules, and whether we thought any needed to be added and taken away in our dynamic.

We agreed not to change anything, but this checking in is important. And it was done without the power dynamic at play, to ensure we were both heard.

If a dom is not willing to check in with you and have these types of discussion, or insists on ALWAYS maintaining power over you, it’s another red flag he’s not a dominant but an abuser.

A question recently arose on a forum where a submissive had been given a rule to say good morning and good night to her new dominant every day. She’d been doing this, but hadn’t received a response back from him, and wanted to know if that was normal.

The question isn’t whether this is normal or not. The question should be is this is the type of dynamic she wants.

A submissive who has a humiliation kink might enjoy being ignored.

But the majority of submissive I know would not be happy with no response for days on end, especially when they are putting in effort and getting no recognition for it.

I suggested she needed to share how his lack of response was making her feel, and that she would one. If her dominant simply didn’t care or refused to acknowledge her feelings, that’s another sign of an abuser, not a dominant.

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