Submissive punishments are a tenant of BDSM.
But what makes a good punishment?
When does a sub deserve to be punished? And what can go wrong?
In this complete guide to submissive punishments, I’ll reveal all.
What are submissive punishments?
A punishment in a BDSM relationship is dished out by the dominant partner when the submissive breaks the rules set out for her or behaves in a way which does not please her Dom.
It is a way of correcting unwanted, disrespectful, bratty or bad behaviour.
It needs to be something which isn’t deemed fun by the submissive (that would be a fun-ishment), but also not something which violates her hard limits. Rember, BDSM is a form or roleplay.
You are using punishment as a corrective technique to ensure she learns and doesn’t do it again.
You have to keep her respect wanting to submit to you. If you are too severe with your punishments or in your choice of punishment, it is no fun for anyone.
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Types of submissive punishments
There are many types of BDSM punishment.
Here are a few BDSM punishment categories, along with some basic punishment examples you can try. It’s by no means a complete list, but a good starting point.
- Sexual punishment. The sub is punished either by not allowing her to get sexual pleasure (orgasm denial, no sex for a week, no touching herself, no touching you) or by performing a sexual act she doesn’t enjoy (anal, facials, etc.).
- Humiliation punishments. The sub must perform a humiliating act, such as standing naked in front of a window, wearing a sign around her neck, writing on her body. What is humiliating varies from sub to sub. Humiliation punishments are not good if your submissive is turned on my these acts.
- Painful punishments. The sub is whipped, flogged, spanked, or tortured in some way. Kneeling on rice, standing in a stress position, made to sleep without a blanket, ice cube run over the body, taking a cold shower are good examples. Painful punishments are not good if your submissive is turned on by pain.
- Light punishments. Can be punishments from any of the other categories, but performed in a less severe manner. For example, running an ice cube over her breasts would be a light punishment, but having her put the ice cube inside her vagina would be a more severe punishment.
- Verbal punishments. A verbal reprimand or scolding. If you are a Daddy Dom looking after a little, verbal punishments are often enough, as littles thrive on praise. Knowing their Daddy isn’t happy with them is enough to correct their behaviour.
- Physical punishments. Similar to pain punishments but don’t have to induce pain, only mild discomfort. Send her on a run, make her sit on the naughty step, have her hold a piece of paper against the wall with her nose, copy outlines from a book, give her boring tasks such as ironing.
- Emotional and mental punishments. These work on a more psychological level. Give her a timeout, no talking, early bedtime, no social media, removing her collar, and writing an apology letter to you are examples of mental sub punishments.
- Fun punishments. Sometimes know as funishments. There aren’t really punishments. Punishments aren’t meant to be fun. Why would your sub correct her behaviour if you reward her with doing something fun? Funishments can be anything which turns your sub on or she enjoys. For example, a little may enjoy being given an early bedtime or lines to write because she finds it relaxing. A pain slut may enjoy a hard caning. A slave may love ironing your shirts. What is a punishment to one may be a funishments to another.
- Boring punishments. Filling in all the Os on the front page of a newspaper, copying passages from books, doing your taxes, taking out the bins, doing housework. All very mundane tasks which really aren’t fun at all.
- Online and remote punishments. If you have a submissive you don’t see often, and need to punish her, what should you do? Many of the punishments already outlined can still work, you just have to get her to prove she has done it with video or photo evidence.
How to punish a sub
How exactly do you go about punishing your sub? Here are some top tips to keep in mind.
1. Determine your approach to punishment
Imagine you did something wrong at school because you were struggling with maths. Would you want the teacher to correct you in a firm but tender manner? Or would you like them to shout at you to do it better? Which is going to result in your learning quicker?
More often than not, I’ve found the first approach more effective. However, that may be because I attract more introvert submissives of the little variety, rather than all put masochists who enjoy pain and humiliation.
For those types of sub, perhaps the stricter and more forceful approach is necessary.
You’ll have to use your good Dom emotional intelligence and body language skills, as well as communication with your submissive (you are studying that stuff right?), to determine which is right.
2. Choose the right category of sub punishment
What type of sub do you have on your hands?
You should know her pretty well if you’ve done all the things I recommend in my ultimate guide to d/s relationships. That’ll give you an idea of what she would consider a punishment versus a funishment, and what her hard and soft limits are.
The punishment for a little, a slave, a brat, and a masochist won’t be the same.
- Punishments for littles. Good punishments for littles are typically lighter and don’t involve pain. Choose items from emotional, physical, light, boring or verbal punishment categories.
- Punishment for brats. Brats will argue back with verbal reprimands, so emotional, painful, sexual or physical punishments may work.
- Punishments for slaves. Slaves often love household chores, so boring tasks won’t work. Emotional (de-collaring), painful, verbal and humiliation are good choices.
- Punishments for a masochist. Painful and humiliation punishments will only get her off. Stick to any of the other categories.
3. Get your sub to create list of punishments
Still not sure what types of sub punishments to give her? Why not set her the task of creating a list of 10 things she would consider punishment, ranked from mild to severe?
Have her sign it at the bottom as a BDSM contract of sorts, thereby agreeing to have these punishments carried out as and when needed.
Holding them accountable is a great way to ensure they know what will happen if they step out of line.
4. Write out the punishments
Regardless of whether you or you submissive creates the list of punishments, write them out at the beginner of your d/s relationship. That way you are both in agreement what will happen if any misbehaving happens.
If you are into creative punishments, number each item in the list, then roll a dice to see which punishment you will bestow on her when you need to.
5. Ensure you have consent
Has your submissive given you consent to punish her?
Answering this question before you begin is especially relevant if you are planning on carrying out punishments from the more severe categories, such as painful, sexual and humiliating.
The more extreme the punishment is, the more you need to be absolutely sure your submissive has agreed to it.
By applying tips 3 and 4 above you are working towards good communication and consent.
6. Remind her why she is being punished
Before you start the punishment, remind her exactly why she is being punished. How can you expect her to correct bad behaviour if she has no idea what she’s done wrong?
Consider engaging in a submissive training programme at the start of your dom sub relationship so she understands exactly what is expected from her as your submissive. If she gets things wrong during the training plan, that’s fine. She is learning.
But if the weeks continue and there is no improvement, you can start thinking about taking disciplinary action.
7. Use a punishment scale
The severeness of the discipline you give depends on how bad the infraction was.
Imagine a scale of punishment severity, ranging from funishments (things you’re sub would enjoy even if they hadn’t done something wrong) to a hard limit (something she absolutely would not want).
If she gets something wrong during training, or early on in the BDSM relationship, I would simply remind her of the rule. No punishment required. Or a light, teasing, funishment would work well such as tell her she’s a bad little girl with a big grin on your face, accompanied by a light slap on the ass cheeks.
If she forgets again she gets a verbal reprimand.
If she does it a third time, then I will ratchet up the severity scale, because clearly she isn’t learning her lesson.
As an example, I instructed my sub she was not allowed to orgasm without asking my permission first, whether she was in my presence or not.
She got very horny one night and decided to play with herself. She texts me the following day to confess. I told ber she had been naughty and made sure she was fully understood the rule we had in place. Because she’d owned up, and it was her first infraction, a lighthearted telling off was enough, plus nine moderate spanks when I next saw her.
(Why nine? I asked her for a number between 1 and 10, without telling her why, and that’s the number she gave me).
A few weeks later the same thing happened. She’d been unable to touch herself due to having friends staying with her, and all that pent up frustration led to her coming for a second time without my permission.
She messaged me once more to confess.
Once more I messaged back in a light-hearted way, telling her I wasn’t happy and that punishment was due next time I saw her. I ended up making her strip down, and stand against a wall in the kitchen, pinning an object to it with her forehead for fifteen minutes which I cooked dinner.
The object slipped at one point, and so another five minutes added to good measure.
To make things a little tricker, I decided to place a bullet vibrator directly on her clitoris for a couple of minutes. I doubt it was painful, but the intensity of the sensation, plus not being able to more, was more uncomfortable than sexual.
I would call this a 4/10 on the punishment scale. Not light, but not severe by any means.
If she decides to come a third time without permission, then I think at 6 or 7 severity disciplinary act will have to happen.
8. Understand the reasons for her disobedience
Take note of the reason WHY she keeps getting it wrong. Is it because you haven’t made yourself clear and you need to improve your communication skills?
Is it because she doesn’t have the skills to complete the task? Or is it because she’s a brat and deliberately getting it wrong to wind you up and test your limits.
This last one deserves a more severe punishment than the previous ones. In fact, if she doesn’t have the skills to complete the task, you shouldn’t be punishing her at all.
9. Punish from a place of love
This really is the most important tip.
Always deliver your punishments from a place of love.
Never punish your sub when angry, or not thinking clearly. You won’t be able to control your emotions and may end up breaking her hard limits.
Punishments are best served when you are feeling relaxed. Punishments are supposed to be given with a clear head.
Personally, all of my punishments are given in a loving and tender way, rather than a cold or unkind way.
You should not punish a submissive for something she didn’t know she was supposed to do.
Imagine telling your submissive she is going to be punished for not making the bed that morning. Is “Make the bed in the morning” one of the submissive duties you have clearly instructed her to carry out (and ideally have written down so she can remind herself)?
If not, do not punish her. She has done nothing wrong.
Part of the role of being a good Dom is clearly communicating what is expected from your sub. In the example above, the want was never communicated. Only punish if you are 100% certain your sub knows she broke the rules
You should aslo not punish a sub without her being very clear on what she is being punished for. Punishments are a corrective training technique – if you don’t know why you are being punished, how can you improve?
So before you dish it out, make her say out loud why she is being punished.
Here are some lists of example punishments you can try. They range from beginner to moderate to extreme, so be careful, peeps!
10 painful submissive punishment ideas
- Stand naked in a cold place
- Run ice cube down her body
- Put ice cube into her vagina
- Take a cold shower or bath
- Adopt a stress position for a period of time
- Insert a butt plug that’s bigger than she’s used to
- Hard spanking with paddle or cane
- Tied up and forced to kneel for long periods of time
- Kneel on rice
- Wear nipple clamps
10 sexual submissive punishments ideas
- No orgasms for a week
- Strong vibrator directly on the clitoris
- Cockwarming for one hour
- No underwear under her skirt to work
- Wear butt plug for one hour
- No masturbation for a week
- Send nude selfie you you every morning
- Accept a facial (come on face)
- Forced to give striptease to a stranger
- Record the sound of yourself orgasming and send to a friend
10 humiliation submissive punishment ideas
- Stand naked in front of window
- Be used as a human footstool
- Not allowed to sit on furniture or sleep in bed
- Write I’m sorry on a piece of paper and take a photo of yourself holding it naked
- Write an apology email to Dom
- Write derogatory terms on her body in marker pen
- Forced to upload a naked selfie to Internet (remove face and GPS information if you do this, please. And 100% make sure you have consent as this can ruin her life, and get you in trouble with the law)
- No makeup allowed for a period of time
- Must crawl everywhere in the house
- No wearing a BDSM collar (only applicable if she’s been collared)
10 boring submissive punishment ideas
- No social media for a week
- Do the ironing or other boring housework
- No TV
- Write lines
- Fill in all letter Os on a newspaper
- Copy out passages of a book
- Move uncooked rice from one bowl to another with chopsticks
- Stand against wall
- Sit on the naughty step
- No talking
6 punishments for littles (DDLG)
- Take away favourite stuffy
- No colouring in for a week
- No cuddling at night
- Sent to bed early
- No playtime
- No sweets
That wraps up my complete guide to submissive punishments. For those of you who skimmed the article and have ended up here, here’s the summary of what you need to know.
Here’s a quick recap.
- Punishments are used in D/s dynamics as a corrective technique for bad behaviour.
- The type of punishment dealt out depends upon the type of submissive you are dating, and the dynamic of your relationship.
- Punishments should always be consensual, stay away from hard limits, and be handed out from a place of kindness and love, not anger.
- Ensure the submissive knows why she is being punished, and you’ve been clear in your expectations of her.
- The severity of the punishment should depend on the reason your sub is failing and how many times you’ve already disciplined them.
I’d love to hear your experience of giving punishments as a Dom or receiving them as a submissive. What’s been your best one and worst one? What’s made you lose respect for your Dom or earned it. Leave a comment below with your thoughts.