Submissive Punishments: How to Punish Your sub Like a Pro Dom

submissive punishment

Submissive punishments are a tenant of BDSM.

But what makes a good punishment?

When does a sub deserve to be punished? And what can go wrong?

In this complete guide to submissive punishments, I’ll reveal all.

What are submissive punishments?

A punishment in a BDSM relationship is dished out by the dominant partner when the submissive breaks the rules set out for her or behaves in a way which does not please her Dom.

It is a way of correcting unwanted, disrespectful, bratty or bad behaviour.

It needs to be something which isn’t deemed fun by the submissive (that would be a fun-ishment), but also not something which violates her hard limits. Rember, BDSM is a form or roleplay.

You are using punishment as a corrective technique to ensure she learns and doesn’t do it again.

You have to keep her respect wanting to submit to you. If you are too severe with your punishments or in your choice of punishment, it is no fun for anyone.

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Types of submissive punishments

There are many types of BDSM punishment.

Here are a few BDSM punishment categories, along with some basic punishment examples you can try. It’s by no means a complete list, but a good starting point.

  • Sexual punishment. The sub is punished either by not allowing her to get sexual pleasure (orgasm denial, no sex for a week, no touching herself, no touching you) or by performing a sexual act she doesn’t enjoy (anal, facials, etc.).
  • Humiliation punishments. The sub must perform a humiliating act, such as standing naked in front of a window, wearing a sign around her neck, writing on her body. What is humiliating varies from sub to sub. Humiliation punishments are not good if your submissive is turned on my these acts.
  • Painful punishments. The sub is whipped, flogged, spanked, or tortured in some way. Kneeling on rice, standing in a stress position, made to sleep without a blanket, ice cube run over the body, taking a cold shower are good examples. Painful punishments are not good if your submissive is turned on by pain.
  • Light punishments. Can be punishments from any of the other categories, but performed in a less severe manner. For example, running an ice cube over her breasts would be a light punishment, but having her put the ice cube inside her vagina would be a more severe punishment.
  • Verbal punishments. A verbal reprimand or scolding. If you are a Daddy Dom looking after a little, verbal punishments are often enough, as littles thrive on praise. Knowing their Daddy isn’t happy with them is enough to correct their behaviour.
  • Physical punishments. Similar to pain punishments but don’t have to induce pain, only mild discomfort. Send her on a run, make her sit on the naughty step, have her hold a piece of paper against the wall with her nose, copy outlines from a book, give her boring tasks such as ironing.
  • Emotional and mental punishments. These work on a more psychological level. Give her a timeout, no talking, early bedtime, no social media, removing her collar, and writing an apology letter to you are examples of mental sub punishments.
  • Fun punishments. Sometimes know as funishments. There aren’t really punishments. Punishments aren’t meant to be fun. Why would your sub correct her behaviour if you reward her with doing something fun? Funishments can be anything which turns your sub on or she enjoys. For example, a little may enjoy being given an early bedtime or lines to write because she finds it relaxing. A pain slut may enjoy a hard caning. A slave may love ironing your shirts. What is a punishment to one may be a funishments to another.
  • Boring punishments. Filling in all the Os on the front page of a newspaper, copying passages from books, doing your taxes, taking out the bins, doing housework. All very mundane tasks which really aren’t fun at all.
  • Online and remote punishments. If you have a submissive you don’t see often, and need to punish her, what should you do? Many of the punishments already outlined can still work, you just have to get her to prove she has done it with video or photo evidence.

How to punish a sub

How exactly do you go about punishing your sub? Here are some top tips to keep in mind.

1. Determine your approach to punishment

Imagine you did something wrong at school because you were struggling with maths. Would you want the teacher to correct you in a firm but tender manner? Or would you like them to shout at you to do it better? Which is going to result in your learning quicker?

More often than not, I’ve found the first approach more effective. However, that may be because I attract more introvert submissives of the little variety, rather than all put masochists who enjoy pain and humiliation.

For those types of sub, perhaps the stricter and more forceful approach is necessary.

You’ll have to use your good Dom emotional intelligence and body language skills, as well as communication with your submissive (you are studying that stuff right?), to determine which is right.

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2. Choose the right category of sub punishment

What type of sub do you have on your hands?

submissive woman bound as punishment

You should know her pretty well if you’ve done all the things I recommend in my ultimate guide to d/s relationships. That’ll give you an idea of what she would consider a punishment versus a funishment, and what her hard and soft limits are.

The punishment for a little, a slave, a brat, and a masochist won’t be the same.

  • Punishments for littles. Good punishments for littles are typically lighter and don’t involve pain. Choose items from emotional, physical, light, boring or verbal punishment categories.
  • Punishment for brats. Brats will argue back with verbal reprimands, so emotional, painful, sexual or physical punishments may work.
  • Punishments for slaves. Slaves often love household chores, so boring tasks won’t work. Emotional (de-collaring), painful, verbal and humiliation are good choices.
  • Punishments for a masochist. Painful and humiliation punishments will only get her off. Stick to any of the other categories.

3. Get your sub to create list of punishments

Still not sure what types of sub punishments to give her? Why not set her the task of creating a list of 10 things she would consider punishment, ranked from mild to severe?

Have her sign it at the bottom as a BDSM contract of sorts, thereby agreeing to have these punishments carried out as and when needed.

Holding them accountable is a great way to ensure they know what will happen if they step out of line.

4. Write out the punishments

Regardless of whether you or you submissive creates the list of punishments, write them out at the beginner of your d/s relationship. That way you are both in agreement what will happen if any misbehaving happens.

If you are into creative punishments, number each item in the list, then roll a dice to see which punishment you will bestow on her when you need to.

Has your submissive given you consent to punish her?

Answering this question before you begin is especially relevant if you are planning on carrying out punishments from the more severe categories, such as painful, sexual and humiliating.

The more extreme the punishment is, the more you need to be absolutely sure your submissive has agreed to it.

By applying tips 3 and 4 above you are working towards good communication and consent.

6. Remind her why she is being punished

submissive woman bound in chains as form of punishment
Photo by form PxHere

Before you start the punishment, remind her exactly why she is being punished. How can you expect her to correct bad behaviour if she has no idea what she’s done wrong?

Consider engaging in a submissive training programme at the start of your dom sub relationship so she understands exactly what is expected from her as your submissive. If she gets things wrong during the training plan, that’s fine. She is learning.

But if the weeks continue and there is no improvement, you can start thinking about taking disciplinary action.

7. Use a punishment scale

The severeness of the discipline you give depends on how bad the infraction was.

Imagine a scale of punishment severity, ranging from funishments (things you’re sub would enjoy even if they hadn’t done something wrong) to a hard limit (something she absolutely would not want).

If she gets something wrong during training, or early on in the BDSM relationship, I would simply remind her of the rule. No punishment required. Or a light, teasing, funishment would work well such as tell her she’s a bad little girl with a big grin on your face, accompanied by a light slap on the ass cheeks.

If she forgets again she gets a verbal reprimand.

If she does it a third time, then I will ratchet up the severity scale, because clearly she isn’t learning her lesson.

As an example, I instructed my sub she was not allowed to orgasm without asking my permission first, whether she was in my presence or not.

She got very horny one night and decided to play with herself. She texts me the following day to confess. I told ber she had been naughty and made sure she was fully understood the rule we had in place. Because she’d owned up, and it was her first infraction, a lighthearted telling off was enough, plus nine moderate spanks when I next saw her.

(Why nine? I asked her for a number between 1 and 10, without telling her why, and that’s the number she gave me).

A few weeks later the same thing happened. She’d been unable to touch herself due to having friends staying with her, and all that pent up frustration led to her coming for a second time without my permission.

She messaged me once more to confess.

Once more I messaged back in a light-hearted way, telling her I wasn’t happy and that punishment was due next time I saw her. I ended up making her strip down, and stand against a wall in the kitchen, pinning an object to it with her forehead for fifteen minutes which I cooked dinner.

The object slipped at one point, and so another five minutes added to good measure.

To make things a little tricker, I decided to place a bullet vibrator directly on her clitoris for a couple of minutes. I doubt it was painful, but the intensity of the sensation, plus not being able to more, was more uncomfortable than sexual.

I would call this a 4/10 on the punishment scale. Not light, but not severe by any means.

If she decides to come a third time without permission, then I think at 6 or 7 severity disciplinary act will have to happen.

8. Understand the reasons for her disobedience

Take note of the reason WHY she keeps getting it wrong. Is it because you haven’t made yourself clear and you need to improve your communication skills?

Is it because she doesn’t have the skills to complete the task? Or is it because she’s a brat and deliberately getting it wrong to wind you up and test your limits.

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This last one deserves a more severe punishment than the previous ones. In fact, if she doesn’t have the skills to complete the task, you shouldn’t be punishing her at all.

9. Punish from a place of love

This really is the most important tip.

Always deliver your punishments from a place of love.

Never punish your sub when angry, or not thinking clearly. You won’t be able to control your emotions and may end up breaking her hard limits.

Punishments are best served when you are feeling relaxed. Punishments are supposed to be given with a clear head.

Personally, all of my punishments are given in a loving and tender way, rather than a cold or unkind way.

Common mistakes

You should not punish a submissive for something she didn’t know she was supposed to do.

Imagine telling your submissive she is going to be punished for not making the bed that morning. Is “Make the bed in the morning” one of the submissive duties you have clearly instructed her to carry out (and ideally have written down so she can remind herself)?

If not, do not punish her. She has done nothing wrong.

Part of the role of being a good Dom is clearly communicating what is expected from your sub. In the example above, the want was never communicated. Only punish if you are 100% certain your sub knows she broke the rules

You should aslo not punish a sub without her being very clear on what she is being punished for. Punishments are a corrective training technique – if you don’t know why you are being punished, how can you improve?

So before you dish it out, make her say out loud why she is being punished.

Punishment examples

Here are some lists of example punishments you can try. They range from beginner to moderate to extreme, so be careful, peeps!

10 painful submissive punishment ideas

  1. Stand naked in a cold place
  2. Run ice cube down her body
  3. Put ice cube into her vagina
  4. Take a cold shower or bath
  5. Adopt a stress position for a period of time
  6. Insert a butt plug that’s bigger than she’s used to
  7. Hard spanking with paddle or cane
  8. Tied up and forced to kneel for long periods of time
  9. Kneel on rice
  10. Wear nipple clamps

10 sexual submissive punishments ideas

  1. No orgasms for a week
  2. Strong vibrator directly on the clitoris
  3. Cockwarming for one hour
  4. No underwear under her skirt to work
  5. Wear butt plug for one hour
  6. No masturbation for a week
  7. Send nude selfie you you every morning
  8. Accept a facial (come on face)
  9. Forced to give striptease to a stranger
  10. Record the sound of yourself orgasming and send to a friend

10 humiliation submissive punishment ideas

  1. Stand naked in front of window
  2. Be used as a human footstool
  3. Not allowed to sit on furniture or sleep in bed
  4. Write I’m sorry on a piece of paper and take a photo of yourself holding it naked
  5. Write an apology email to Dom
  6. Write derogatory terms on her body in marker pen
  7. Forced to upload a naked selfie to Internet (remove face and GPS information if you do this, please. And 100% make sure you have consent as this can ruin her life, and get you in trouble with the law)
  8. No makeup allowed for a period of time
  9. Must crawl everywhere in the house
  10. No wearing a BDSM collar (only applicable if she’s been collared)

10 boring submissive punishment ideas

  1. No social media for a week
  2. Do the ironing or other boring housework
  3. No TV
  4. Write lines
  5. Fill in all letter Os on a newspaper
  6. Copy out passages of a book
  7. Move uncooked rice from one bowl to another with chopsticks
  8. Stand against wall
  9. Sit on the naughty step
  10. No talking

6 punishments for littles (DDLG)

  1. Take away favourite stuffy After reading the comments left on this guide, I have decided to remove this item. I acknowledge that it may constitute emotional abuse due to the emotional attachment a person has to the object. As with all D/s, it is up to the Dom and sub to have agreed and consented to punishments. If they have consented to this one, that’s fine. If they have not, then obviously it should not be done. Context is also very important. Whilst one D/s couple might view any of these punishments as emotionally abusive, another might thoroughly enjoy them. As long as everything has been discussed and agreed upon, then you are free to make anything into a punishment you like.
  2. No colouring in for a week
  3. No cuddling at night
  4. Sent to bed early
  5. No playtime
  6. No sweets


That wraps up my complete guide to submissive punishments. For those of you who skimmed the article and have ended up here, here’s the summary of what you need to know.

Here’s a quick recap.

  • Punishments are used in D/s dynamics as a corrective technique for bad behaviour.
  • The type of punishment dealt out depends upon the type of submissive you are dating, and the dynamic of your relationship.
  • Punishments should always be consensual, stay away from hard limits, and be handed out from a place of kindness and love, not anger.
  • Ensure the submissive knows why she is being punished, and you’ve been clear in your expectations of her.
  • The severity of the punishment should depend on the reason your sub is failing and how many times you’ve already disciplined them.

I’d love to hear your experience of giving punishments as a Dom or receiving them as a submissive. What’s been your best one and worst one? What’s made you lose respect for your Dom or earned it. Leave a comment below with your thoughts.

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Never de-collar someone as a punishment, it’s an abusive behaviour and is like threatening to break up with someone. Same goes for taking off your collar because you had a small argument. Instead try something else please


In my mind, the collar is very similar to a wedding band in terms of what it represents. If my Husband were to punish me by telling me to remove my wedding ring, I would be absolutely devasted. It would really do a number on O/our relationship and He would have to work really hard to regain my trust, even if He realized it was a bad idea and went back on it right away. But, becauae of that symbolism, I would never agree to that as a punishment. That is what makes it abusive, the fact that, in O/our case, it would be nonconsenual. If in another relationship, both partners agreed to it, it’s not abusive.


Never take a littles stuffie or give no cuddles. And never ever take a collar away. It makes us submissives unloved and unwanted.


Yeah, I agree. If someone would take away my favourite stuffie – watch me walk completely out of that relationship in the next minute. The trust that would be broken by that action alone would never be able to be repaired for me.


Yeah I wouldn’t ever decollar a sub. I’d actually have a punishment collar that I’d make her wear instead. The punishment collar would just be a more obvious collar than her day collar or house collar.


Good article, especially applicable to littles my god are they tedious to deal with sometimes.


Good evening Chief. It seams to me that asking your sub to write up a list of punishments would make it easier for the Dom to keep his sub’s hard no’s in mind as well as her giving a list of punishments that she would consider just that a punishment. Also it would help the Dom keep himself in check as well as ensure no harm or abuse came to the sub! Your thoughts on this subject


Speechless. I’m sure our enslaved ancestors would be disturbed if they knew their future offspring took pleasure in “role-playing” and sexualizing their awful lives. It makes sense though, those I’ve known who brag about being “doms” were insecure losers stuck in dead end jobs hungry for something to make them feel like their existence matters and stroke their tiny little egos.

All were white as well, not shocking considering slave owners were historically white and the Trump-era showed us a large percentage of our fellow Americans were scarily ignorant.

I am disturbed by the suggestion of sexual pain and humiliation, intentionally doing something someone doesn’t like or finds painful is pretty scummy and is borderline sexual assault. Just because a person won’t or can’t say no does not make it consensual. I am curious to how some older subs feel emotionally after years of this “lifestyle”. Probably not good.

Last edited 10 months ago by Michi

As a sexual assault survivor, my dynamic with my Husband has been a priceless part of my healing. His ability to use sexual punishment in a way that truly has my best interests in mind has taught me that I don’t need to be afraid of authority, or of men as a whole, or of sex. That is something my vanilla relationships couldn’t give me. With them, I was always afraid of when I would see their true colors. I kept expecting the abuse to come, and so I could never really make a relationship work. With my Husband, I know that he is not afraid of correcting, of punishing, even in sexual ways, but I know that He will always respect me. That is completely different from someone being coerced or truly forced into something.


Jesus fucking Christ get over yourself. All of this is consensual, and the submissive partner agrees to everything beforehand. This is NOTHING like 1700s slavery in America.

I’m a white bisexual male, and while I wouldn’t prefer this style of relationship in any form with a woman, I tend to submit to men I trust, and wouldn’t mind exploring such a lifestyle as a service oriented sub. BDSM is all about consent, and if it isn’t for you that’s fine, but perhaps you should stay away so we who do enjoy and consent to it don’t have to worry about being subject to your shaming on BDSM and sexuality. There’s a time and a place, and this was not it.

Tldr: Shut up and leave if you don’t like it ;p


Hi Chief, I’m learning a lot from your site. Thank you for providing all of this fantastic info. My wife and I have a bedroom-only dynamic and I’m finding it difficult to find resources for punishments that aren’t for 24/7 and/or TPE dynamics that also aren’t more on the funishment side. Any thoughts or places to look?


Well, a good example of a violation is touching me before she has permission or cumming before she’s allowed to during edge play. However — I fully understand if I’m on the wrong track here and greatly appreciate any redirection. We’re still exploring a lot about this, after all, and while we’re having fun, it’s new.

Is it more that stuff during play/arousal is going to be geared toward things we’ll both enjoy more than anything else? I agree about the mix of punishment and sex potentially creating a dissonance, which is why I feel I’m on unsteady ground. Maybe I’m putting pressure on myself to include something that is unneeded?

Another difficult thing is parsing the available resources to better understand a healthy approach, as a lot of the more vocal contributors in the community seem to be discussing a more comprehensive dynamic. Whereas in our case, the only rule that’s made it outside the bedroom (so far, I guess) is that toys are only for use together. And she’s been excellent at following that one.

Last edited 9 months ago by Rob

That’s a great idea, I dig that and she will too. Especially since that little bit of kink before work could set the stage and build anticipation for that evening’s activities. When I think about it, even saying ‘bedroom-only’ is a little murky since we flirt like mad during the day, far more than we did before we introduced kink to our sex lives.

In the midst of this conversation here, I read your “Am I Just Playing at Being a Dom?” article and also realized I do need to take a little pressure off myself.

Thanks for what you do here.

Last edited 9 months ago by Rob

If I may answer this from a sub’s perspective, my Husband and I are just starting to take pur dynamic out of the bedroom. Until W/we started to do that, we mostly stuck to funishments. As W/we transition, W/we have decided to lean into punishments like orgasm denial and control. For a recent example, I had to come several times before I was allowed to move. It was not such an intense punishment that it was out of place in an arousal setting.


My Dom found that I am most vulnerable to Sexual,Pain,Humiliation and Verbal.Depending on what I have done depends on the punishment.Disrespect is not tolerated I found out quickly (not listening and performing what told,Making faces or talking back,“Pathetic excuses” and cumming without permission.He will tell me in the day while he is working (he is a rough neck so works long hours and gone 2 weeks at a time) to complete dirty household chores (doesnt matter i have a cleaning lady), in evening he will conduct main punishment of kneeling in mirror Naked with written words on me for 3 then 5 then 10 min etc Plug in while talking to family and nipple clips on kept on all night.Pictures are required after every instruction.This quickly turns behavior around but when he returns he also administers spanking with hand a strap paddle belt at 10 at a time so if i get 30 he will do 10 a day with cuddles and care after, until all complete and while gone i am only allowed sexual pleasure at his say so.He sees an issue with my down time and i become difficult so he rectifies my behavior with reward and punishment.He never issues punishment until hours after the act of disgrace when the anger has subsided.Because I am a very needy sub he had to be tough at all times to curb behavior once behavior is curbed most issues are resolved not because he threatens but warns and second time told he punishes without giving in to my cons.

Khalif Barkhadle

Your advice is awesome.


Thank you chief! What would you suggest as a proper punishment for an unfaithful wife? We were prudes when she went wayward. Now we are kinks. She has never been punished properly.


I’m very appreciative. We have a lot to learn. It’s been very painful. Our newfound interest in BDSM has been therapeutic. She is quite gifted in being the dom.