Why Would a Woman Want to Be a Submissive?

Why be a submissive woman in a dom sub relationship?

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I get asked why a woman would want to be a submissive in a dominant submissive relationship often.

Whenever I bring up the subject of being a Dom, the person I’m speaking to will ask me what’s in it for the woman? Why would they agree to do what I ask them? Why would they do the chores? Why would they cook for me? Why would they want rough sex?

Well actually, they often don’t ask about the rough sex, because in my experience a lot of women LOVE the idea of rough sex, or at least being submissive in the bedroom to their partner.

In today’s society (in the UK, London in particular) women are free-er than ever (although there is still much work to be done around ‘slut shaming’) to experience aspects of kink.

London has hundreds of kinky events happening monthly. Talking about sex is less of a taboo. And this has started to remove some of the guilt shame experienced by women (and men) associated with wanting dirty, filthy, kinky, animalistic sex. They are on board with it. They crave it.

But when it comes to explaining other aspects of BDSM, for example wanting to be submissive outside of the bedroom, there is still a lot of concern.

Is it misogyny?

Why when women are fighting in the age of #MeToo and gender pay gaps would they want to come home to a boyfriend or husband and return to acting like a 1950s submissive housewife?

Because being submissive is in your nature

Some people are naturally born with submissive personalities. They are attracted to more dominant personality’s and ENJOY being told what to do. It’s RELAXING for them.

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Even if she wasn’t in a BDSM relationship this would be the type of woman who is always going out of her way to help others, make them cups of tea, listen to their problems, and be a great friend.

It’s simply part of her personality.

Being submissive to someone she cares about feels completely natural. It’s her way of showing affection but also makes her happy.

Because then you know your partner craves you

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What’s hotter than knowing your man wants to rip your clothes or, to make you his, to own your body so he can have you anytime he wants because you turn him on ALL THE TIME.

A sex slave or bedroom dom/sub relationship is an ideal dynamic to unleash these fantasies.

If you don’t believe me, check out a few of these articles:

If you read my article on how to be dominant in the bedroom for me, you’ll see that most of the descriptions about a man doing something to the woman that will give her pleasure, rather than the other way round.

blonde submissive woman on sofa
She may be a tiger at work, but when she comes home she wants her Dom to use her.

People (men) sometimes have the impression of dominant sex as the man simply fucking his girl or asking for a blowjob, but giving her nothing back in return.

In reality, a good Dom makes it all about her. It’s about turning her on with words and ideas on your date night before you even get to the bedroom.

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And when you do finally get home he ties her up with bed restraints, he teases her with light kisses and strokes along her skin until she’s wriggling around and begging to be touched her between her legs. And then he gives her multiple orgasms because he’s learned over many months to play your body like a fiddle, conducting her pleasure with mouth, fingers and cock.

Only then does he finally get to climax.

(Go find yourself an unselfish Dom if you’ve read the above, got turned on, but aren’t getting this level of service!)

Because it provides relief from everyday stress

Being a submissive isn’t always about having rough sex, being spanked, called a slut, and having your hair pulled. That’s just one aspect of it (probably the most popular).

Dom sub relationships can be very loving and tender. A DDLG (Daddy Dom, Little Girl) dynamic for instance focuses on helping the ‘little’ regress to a time where they had no responsibilities and were free to play. They might partake in activities such as colouring in, or wearing cute outfits, or practise cockwarming, as a way to access that headspace, knowing their Daddy is there to watch out for them as they enter this relaxing yet child-like and vulnerable state of mind.

The submissive in a casual Master/slave dynamic accesses this simpler frame of mind via a different route – service. She chooses to serve her Master because she takes pleasure from knowing she is making someone else happy.

Don’t submit to everyone

BUT…here’s the important part. The person doing the bossing around must be doing it for the RIGHT reasons. They must have their submissives best interests at heart.

I’m not asking my partner to do something for me because I see them as less or a person or less equal than me. It’s simply a roleplay of a dynamic. I know they are more than capable of saying no if they don’t want to do something – and I will fully respect that ’no’.

The fake dominants who ask their subs to do something then get angry or resentful when their sub doesn’t want to are being emotionally abusive. That is NOT a Dom sub relationship – at least not a healthy one.

A respectful, empathetic dom knows the wishes of his sub. He is helping to create the relationship dynamic which works for BOTH of them.

He knows that she enjoys routine and structure, so he works to create that for her.

He knows she enjoys being bent over the bed because her man is so madly attracted to her than he simply has to have his way with her RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

He knows that there is a difference between his masculine and her feminine energy, and uses that to create a heightened sexual tension which ignites passion and flames into a relationship which might otherwise be headed for the scrap heap.

Dominant man commands his sex slave

He knows she is a highly capable, intelligent woman who has hopes, desires, dreams and a successful career. He respects her for it, and builds her up whenever he can. But he also recognises her feminine soft underbelly which needs nurturing. That feminine energy which is being sucked away for corporate life and financial, parental responsibilities, and the bills which drop onto the doormat each day.

Submitting to him provides her with an escape from all that. A time to slip into a hedonistic fantasy – a bubble with just her and her man which envelopes her, cradles her, makes her long for him, and recharges her spiritual battery so she can battle through another week.

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That’s why she desires a certain amount of domination, be it in the bedroom or a more 24/7 dom sub dynamic.

But it is controlling?

This is not really about control. In fact, both parties have equal control. If the man really has more control then that again is not the true essence of a Dom sub relationship.

You could even argue the submissive has MORE control – she’s the one who’s needs are being tended to.

Imagine going for a full body massage at your local spa. You are stripped naked, lying on a table. Vulnerable, exposed. Being touched by someone else who stands over you whilst you are face down in a submissive position.

It feels bloody fantastic!

But guess what…

Who’s the one in control? The massage therapist or the client?

You could stop the massage at any time. You are the one who booked the appointment and requested it. You signed a contract agreeing to strip down to your underwear, hop on a table, and let someone else touch you.

And you also know the spa has a lot to lose by acting inappropriately. There’s a non-verbal, society convention dictating they will treat you fairly and kindly and provide the services you requested.

So even though you are the one face down and naked, YOU still have the power!

It’s up to the massage therapist to decide what strokes he uses, what oils he uses, and how much pressure he applies to you. There are agreed boundaries they are working within. Because of those boundaries, you are able to relax and let go. Without those boundaries., you wouldn’t.

This is the essence of a good dom and sub relationship.

You might be the one roleplaying the submissive, but you’ve communicated effectively with your Dom, sharing your wants and desires. You trust him enough to know what turns you on and what relaxes you. And you trust that he will be a good dominant and respect that non-verbal contract.

Both partners needs are being met, and both people are thoroughly enjoying the experience and getting pleasure from it.

So why would a woman want to be a submissive?

There’s no one answer.

  • It might be a therapy to help them overcome some trauma.
  • It might be to help them realise how beautiful and sexy they are, to boost body confidence.
  • It might be because they need a little bit of guidance and support to do all the kinky things they are longing to but feel shame or guilt over.
  • It might be because they want a teacher watching over them, helping them taking their first steps and reassuring them they’ll be all right.
  • It’s a guiding hand to help when they are unsure.
  • It’s the raw masculine energy they crave to accompanying their diving femininity.
  • It’s a state of bliss that is a world away from the hectic everyday and mundane.
  • It’s a state of mindfulness and tranquillity where no thought is required.

It’s all of those things and more.

And it’s probably the best relationship they will have been in because of the open dialogue, trust and communication which is forced to exist in order to navigate the BDSM world.

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Samantha

My boyfriend and I are rather new to the kink world and I have expressed interest in a D/s relationship. He is interested and willing to try, however he is unsure about how me being a submissive would affect my self esteem. He feels that it might lower my self esteem, but I don’t feel that way. I think I may not be expressing myself about it for him and would appreciate any help you could give in settling this matter. Thank you.

Rob

I know I’m a bit late to the discussion here, but my immediate thought was that you’d be in safe hands as his first concern was for your welfare. Reassuring him, and letting him know that actually, the safe D/s dynamic puts the power directly in the hands of the submissive, is the way to go here,as the sub can stop the session with a word, cool things off, even for a while, without “breaking the scene” so it’s not about self-esteem. It’s about giving and receiving pleasure.

I would definitely encourage ANY dominant to read about the psychology of a submissive. 90% of D/s play is in the mind so understanding what makes both of you tick is key.

I hope you got there!

Karen

Hi chief, sorry,(sir) its so nice you let her respond! Karen

Kris

Good lord… that was beautifully written! Thank you for sharing 😍

Leslie

Because we want to follow

Mike

I’m a gay sub and I don’t really think that this is a good way or thinking about why people choose to submit

In your summary above your reasons all seem to suggest that subs are inadequate or weak in some way. Take a look at each one of the points again: (“overcome trauma”, “boost confidence”, “need guidance and support”, “reassurance”, “need to get away from hectic everyday life” (why does this make you submissive?), “craving masculine energy (why does this make you submissive?) “mindfulness where no thought is required” (really?) )

There are subs who are insecure and whose insecurities exhibit as submissiveness but that’s also true of Doms (where the insecurities lead to a need to have control)

But the biggest category of submissive are actually well adjusted people who are confident and secure and who give up control because they want to be in partnerships with guys who cannot be intimate without having control. The empathy of the sub character allows the sun to let the dom have control to give him the assurance that he needs to be intimate – in the full knowledge that control can be taken back at any time.

And being a sub isn’t as you say somewhere a lower status to a dom. Writing this kind of stuff on an otherwise excellent blog is what stigmatises submissives.

Mike

Mike

Thanks for the reply.

You didn’t address the point that all the reasons you give for why women might be submissive are essentially ones that flow from weakness. Is that what you think? Are there no cases where submissiveness flows from strength? Are all submissives naturally weak?

Also, I don’t agree with you on the last point on status and language really matters. Power traditionally conferred status in society because it allowed people with power to force other people to do what they wanted regardless of their wishes.

Power in a d/s isn’t that kind of power and it’s important not to get confused and think there’s a parallel. For sure we use words like Master/ slave etc to borrow the idea of historical slavery but we all agree that these are different relationships. A master in the past owned slaves and could kill them. Today for all the language we use, no one owns anyone like that. Our word is used figuratively.

So, in a scene or relationship today the dom has power subject to consent/limits etc but the power can be withdrawn by the sub at any time. It’s a licence given by the sub to take the initiative rather than the right.

And as such it’s wrong to think of it as power in the traditional way which conferring “status” – which is a social construct.

I just think that this article doesn’t show much understanding of submissiveness- it’s about empathy. And empathy isn’t weakness.

Mike

Mike

As I said above Empathy isn’t weakness but take another look at the article which triggered this discussion.

Mike

Chief

Apologies but I just wanted to add these two further points

Power in general today no longer confers status. For example, the person who has the right to make decisions on behalf of say elderly people with Alzheimer’s doesn’t have a higher status than them, though the nature of those agreements is quite literally a power exchange agreement. And some of these agreements involve the power to bring another persons life to an end.

In a d/s relationship the power exchange agreement has no legal force whatsoever. It’s a role play (as you say) between consenting adults. So it’s not correct to say that the “control” that flows from these private agreements gives rise to social status (which is a question of standing in society). That kind of thinking is what really undermines subs in the BDSM community and gives BDSM practitioners such a bad rap in the general public.

You are right that a power exchange agreements gives the dom decision making power with respect to the sub – but only to the extent that the sub agrees and the right to withdraw that consent is in real life (I.e. continuous). So the Dom’s “power” even in a TPE is highly contingent and dependent – on the sub..

Moineau

Hi Mike, I really appreciate what you have to say about this topic and the respect with which you do so. I can understand where you’re coming from and you make a lot of good points!
I also have the benefit of knowing Chief and being there when he was writing this article – I know the care he puts into his articles making sure that he emphasises consensual and respectful relationships between Dominant and submissive. I greatly appreciate his perspective as a Dominant (and as a man) as being different to my own as a female submissive – although that isn’t to say I always entirely agree with his opinions (which would make our dynamic dreadfully dull were that the case)!

Language is a funny thing, on to which we place all sorts of connotations depending on our own experiences – and I find myself nodding along reading your and Chief’s responses both! I think this is a great example of where language can conflate meaning.

I would like to take some time in the near future to write an addendum to this article, incorporating my point of view as a female submissive. Like you said, language is important. However, I believe this topic is quite complex so I understand why Chief has kept this article to some brief points that perhaps don’t paint the whole picture!

For now, if I may briefly add my own perspective to this thought-provoking discussion – along with other things, I think individuals in D/s dynamics by default play with the _idea_ of power structures and social status when they participate in D/s, whether subtly or flagrantly. This manipulation and warping of ‘conventional’ social ideas is what makes D/s at the same time exciting, thrilling, provoking, challenging, tantalising, erotic and dangerous. No wonder so many people in the ‘vanilla’ world get their knickers in a twist whenever D/s is discussed!
I don’t have an adequate answer to any of the challenging questions I’ve been asked about the ethics of this sort of roleplay – whether it perpetuates harmful misogynistic ideas, or stigmatises women or men who enjoy submission as being weak, infantile or brainwashed, etc…
I know that I personally find some sort of pleasure in exaggerating the ‘traditional’ ideas of polarity between masculine and feminine energies, command and obedience, strength and weakness- even with full knowledge of how deep the social construction of those very ideas are ingrained! Does that make me complicit in the harm that may arrive to others from those who haven’t educated themselves on sociological issues? I would hope not but I also can’t say for certain my words or actions don’t contribute in some way to the perpetuation of questionable ideas about gender roles or power structures….
I don’t know what the answer is, but I hope that as I educate myself and share my experiences as a submissive in a D/s dynamic that I can at least offset that harm by showing others it’s possible to enjoy a healthy relationships which does play with power in a consensual manner – something that feels extremely empowering to me and makes me feel strong in my own submission.

Mike

Thanks!

You make a good point that in d/s some people are “playing” with the “idea” of power structures, hierarchy and status. But many other people in d/s are not. They are “creating” a taboo for sexual thrill. All fine and good in my opinion.

But it’s a sexual game a part of the broader category of kinks covered by the term “erotic humiliation” but erotic humiliation and submissiveness aren’t the same thing. That’s the key

Some people want to be thought of as of lower status for sure and if that works for them, fine. But it simply isn’t true as a general reason for why people submissive and that’s where the article and Chief’s response is off beam. Chief in his first answer to me even suggested that if you didn’t think in terms of status were you even interested in d/s connection. Seriously?

I think it’s revealing that you say that the article was originally penned by Chief rather than by you!

You say you enjoy exaggerating the traditional polarity between the sexes in this context and asks if it causes harm to women and submissiveness more generally. I would say no if everyone knows that you are exaggerating for a sexual kick with your sexual partner. But it most certainly is quite demeaning of subs if you allow the impression to be given women in d/s are or think they are of lower status than their Doms because submissiveness in their nature want to give up control and when they do they accept lower status. That’s the same as saying that submissiveness are inherently by nature of lower status. Remember these status games are kinks and we have to explain them as such (as you have done). You don’t to have them in d/s relationship but you can if you want to

I am looking forward to your thoughts

Look having said all this, I think this blog is excellent and the podcasts are great.

Mike

Mike

I am trying to be helpful by the way.

Look, since you are going to add or change this article here are very specific points

chief says in the piece above “Some people are naturally born with submissive personalities. They are attracted to more dominant personality’s and ENJOY being told what to do. It’s RELAXING for them.”

Seriously? Does an empathetic personality mean that people are attracted to a dominant’s personality? Why? Doctors and nurses are empathetic types in general. Does this apply to them? Do empathetic people enjoy being told what to do? Is it relaxing for them? I don’t think it follows.

These are stereotypes with no real basis in reality.

You can be an empathetic personality and not enjoy following orders, you would still be a submissive but not one that likes following orders.

No problem with that but perhaps not in the d/s world. But that’s the point. That raises the question or why in d/s relations submissives usually follow a Dom’s orders.

The answer is that there are different reasons and it’s complex.

Some people do enjoy following orders for sure, but many others do not.

But they do it because it creates harmonious relationships with the men they are involved with. That’s really the point of the 50s housewife: she didn’t do it because she enjoyed it or it was relaxing: some did it because it was convention to do so (as it now is in d/s relations) and others because it was the best way to create the kind of domestic harmony in which to bring up their kinds (that’s the higher purpose of submission).

In d/s the higher purpose of the submissive is to make the life of the dom easier and in many cases that means submitting to them just because it pleases the dom for whatever reason.

Chief bristled when I raised the idea that some Doms cannot be intimate without having control- but I am afraid that’s my (gay) experience and I’d rather my patners they had control they crave and were happy than we parted over something that matters a great deal to them and much less to me. In my case and in the case or many women subs that I know, we are just much more CONFIDENT in our ability to live without control (questions : do we ever lose control?) than many Doms, who feel threatened when they do not have control (or the appearance of it). From my perspective that’s the key.

So again I think this paragraph misunderstands something fundamental about subs and submissiveness.

You can think of it like this: submissiveness in general is part of the broader idea (empathy and compassion) that you are here to do good to others: the poor, the sick, climate change whatever…. And – in the context of your initiante relationships – for your partners. But that doesn’t imply of itself that there should be a power exchange with your sexual partners or that the sub likes to follow orders. The practice or following orders and the assocIates erotic humiliations guy go with that (follow these rules, address me in this way, service me in their way) arise from the interaction between the dom and sub characters and not from the personality of the sub

mike

Moineau

Thank you for contributing your thoughts! I appreciate hearing your perspective whilst I don’t necessarily agree with everything you have pointed out. I will briefly say that I myself am such person with a submissive personality who is “attracted to more dominant personalities and ENJOY being told what to do. It’s RELAXING for [me]”.

However, I would do an injustice to this discussion to respond any further without having the time to write out my thoughts in full and with clarity. I ask that you have some patience with both Chief and myself as we engage in this chat in the comments, as comments are necessarily short and mince words without intent.

I do plan to really think about what you’ve written and respond in due time, but I know I wouldn’t be able to fully satisfy your points of debate if I were to respond now. This is a complex topic that cannot be briefly discussed with doing it justice (I’m planning on writing a book about submission someday soon I hope!)

In fact, Chief and I are literally just setting up for a podcast interview now, in which I will be discussing some thoughts I have about my own submission and what it means to me to be a submissive, so do be on the lookout for that coming shortly!

Until then, thank you for your support on the site and the podcast as well! It’s great to hear that people find this information of value, even if that value is in a healthy debate 🙂
xx Moineau

Mike

Thanks!

Yeah as I said some people do like following orders (you say you are one) but it’s just plain wrong to generalise that experience to sun women or subs in general particularly in an article explaining why women submit…

We all need to be careful about the words we use and the impact they have on the way other people treat us in the kink community.

Let’s be clear:

Submissive personalities are basically empathetic ones. But not all empathetic personalities are submissive

Submissiveness is a evolutionary conditioning based on the body’s response to fear… And all the humiliations we agree to with Doms (rules, protocols) are designed to elicit in our bodies that fear response. It makes us more submissive (not more empathetic) . It’s pleasurable because it’s a kind of emotional masochism that we enjoy.

But not all submissives are emotional masochists of this kind. Some really do not enjoy following rules and protocols or have very significant limits. But in our community nearly all subs follow orders.

Submissives who engage in power exchange relationships have many complex reasons for doing so. Some like you may LIKE following orders, others do it for more empathetic reasons- because it makes their Doms happy rather than because they enjoy it.

Submissives who engage in these relationship give their Doms the power to lead, subject to limits and boundaries and subject to their overriding ability to withdraw consent for any reason at any time. But they can NEVER truly give up control. It’s always shared with the dom at best at all times.

This relationship does NOT create a hierarchy between dom and sub between a higher status dom and a lower status sub. D/s can choose to role play status roles if wish (assigning higher status to the dom for example) for whatever reason (erotic humiliation usually) but these roles says absolutely nothing about any other sub’s status. The power exchange in a d/s is a role play not a social status.

We must make it clear to the world that we are not undermining the basic ideas that human beings are not inferior or superior because of their personalities, their preferences, they characters and that there is no natural order that makes a sub submit to a dom. It’s purely voluntary and it’s purpose is utilitarian (people who do it get something out of it)

Mike

NetMyth

Hello there! Just wanted to chime in and say that i loved this article – I’m sharing it with my husband 🤭.

And i also agree with your points, i think you’re right on the money and they are great additions!

It’s a role play and not literal, unless of course… It is made literal, exceeding play to become something more serious. But that crosses the borders of BDSM a bit, and i don’t think that was the intent of the article either.

Both parties are still equally respected and equally valuable. Again, i think your summed up conclusion is an important one. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

And Chief, thank you ever so much for writing out such a thoughtful, beautiful summary of the probable thought process of a sub. I found myself nodding along with everything 💖. Bang on. You have another loyal reader gained, and I’ll pass it on!

Zeke

This is actually one of the best pieces I’ve read on the subject. Nice to see DDlg mentioned – the only correction I’d make to the article is the casing by the way – always Dominant and submissive, important capitalisation on Dom only lol.

As the article alludes to without stating outright (subtext is a good thing), the best submissives are often the ones who are naturally that way. Being submissive in a way that is not put on and taken off like an article of clothing, but something intrinsic and omnipresent. Then it becomes more than just roleplay, it becomes a way of life where the D/s element of the relationship becomes one of it’s core strengths, making all other parts stronger for it, where both partners benefit from the soothing and bonding nature of it.

I would like to say that I am very lucky to have a D/s DDlg dynamic that deepens every day. And the thing is, it really is more complex and wonderful than I realised because it’s not just the Dom teaching the sub how to do things. The sub can be equally instructive to the Dom in her own way – for my part, my submissive has taught me more about openness, honesty and emotional intelligence than anyone else I’ve ever known. And it’s helped me understand her, myself and everyone else better.

For my part, I have helped her overcome dysmorphia, find joy in her beauty (not just physical but emotional too), be comfortable in her intelligence, make peace with being needy for validation (a quality I adore) and approval… so many things.

Anyway before I turn this into an essay I thought I’d point some of these things out to express how life-affirming a great D/s dynamic can be, and now that I have one I can’t imagine having a relationship without because there’s a lot more deep emotional bonding going on with it there, that also has the benefit of enhancing all of the physical side too. What luck to find someone whom you’re not just emotionally and intellectually attracted to but physically too… there’s more to life than monetary wealth, let me put it that way.

Great job Chief.

Burgundy

As someone who has always been a people pleaser & find some aspects of D/s sexy I appreciate the article. I just played with another recently for the first time & was startled to realize I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. I am a natural people pleaser but have minor issues with authority. Thankfully my friend was quite patient with me sticking to the few things I was able to bring myself to request. I especially appreciate Moineau’s thoughts in the comments. For myself the article did not feel demeaning to subs. However that may be because I have read many other articles on this site & read it with that in context. I also have friends in the bdsm community here in the States. While I am not a part of it thus far I know a little of what my friends have told me though not much. We became friends through work & school. Their preferences were discussed long after we became friends. I have always been open minded about the whole kink/bdsm which is why they told me. But even as of recently I didn’t think it was “for me”. There is fantasy & then reality. So when I got a tiny dose of that reality I was surprised how much I enjoyed it.
All of it has given me quite a bit to think about.

Alex

Good evening, my fiancé has been a dom before and this is my first time actually becoming a submissive. I don’t know how to really get started. Is there a starter guide for sub women?

MwM

i think you should stop focusing so much on the ‘male feminist’ aspect. my gf hates all this stuff where she gets to be a woman in the bedroom but is expected to be a man irl, a lot of women would prefer to be sub 24/7 but society shames them out of it. they’re treated like they’re spitting in the faces of women who worked, only, to force a lifestyle on every woman after them (which is what they accused the men of).