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I get asked why a woman would want to be a submissive in a dominant submissive relationship often.
Whenever I bring up the subject of being a Dom, the person I’m speaking to will ask me what’s in it for the woman? Why would they agree to do what I ask them? Why would they do the chores? Why would they cook for me? Why would they want rough sex?
Well actually, they often don’t ask about the rough sex, because in my experience a lot of women LOVE the idea of rough sex, or at least being submissive in the bedroom to their partner.
In today’s society (in the UK, London in particular) women are free-er than ever (although there is still much work to be done around ‘slut shaming’) to experience aspects of kink.
London has hundreds of kinky events happening monthly. Talking about sex is less of a taboo. And this has started to remove some of the guilt shame experienced by women (and men) associated with wanting dirty, filthy, kinky, animalistic sex. They are on board with it. They crave it.
But when it comes to explaining other aspects of BDSM, for example wanting to be submissive outside of the bedroom, there is still a lot of concern.
Is it misogyny?
Why when women are fighting in the age of #MeToo and gender pay gaps would they want to come home to a boyfriend or husband and return to acting like a 1950s submissive housewife?
Because being submissive is in your nature
Some people are naturally born with submissive personalities. They are attracted to more dominant personality’s and ENJOY being told what to do. It’s RELAXING for them.
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Even if she wasn’t in a BDSM relationship this would be the type of woman who is always going out of her way to help others, make them cups of tea, listen to their problems, and be a great friend.
It’s simply part of her personality.
Being submissive to someone she cares about feels completely natural. It’s her way of showing affection but also makes her happy.
Because then you know your partner craves you
What’s hotter than knowing your man wants to rip your clothes or, to make you his, to own your body so he can have you anytime he wants because you turn him on ALL THE TIME.
A sex slave or bedroom dom/sub relationship is an ideal dynamic to unleash these fantasies.
If you don’t believe me, check out a few of these articles:
- 18 Women Share What They Love About Being Sexually Dominated
- Why It’s So Hot To Be Ordered Around In Bed, Because, Yes, You Can Be A Strong Woman And Like To Be Dominated
- Being submissive in the bedroom doesn’t mean being a doormat in life – these women explain why they love sub sex
- How Does Submissive Sex Work in the Age of #MeToo?
If you read my article on how to be dominant in the bedroom for me, you’ll see that most of the descriptions about a man doing something to the woman that will give her pleasure, rather than the other way round.
People (men) sometimes have the impression of dominant sex as the man simply fucking his girl or asking for a blowjob, but giving her nothing back in return.
In reality, a good Dom makes it all about her. It’s about turning her on with words and ideas on your date night before you even get to the bedroom.
And when you do finally get home he ties her up with bed restraints, he teases her with light kisses and strokes along her skin until she’s wriggling around and begging to be touched her between her legs. And then he gives her multiple orgasms because he’s learned over many months to play your body like a fiddle, conducting her pleasure with mouth, fingers and cock.
Only then does he finally get to climax.
(Go find yourself an unselfish Dom if you’ve read the above, got turned on, but aren’t getting this level of service!)
Because it provides relief from everyday stress
Being a submissive isn’t always about having rough sex, being spanked, called a slut, and having your hair pulled. That’s just one aspect of it (probably the most popular).
Dom sub relationships can be very loving and tender. A DDLG (Daddy Dom, Little Girl) dynamic for instance focuses on helping the ‘little’ regress to a time where they had no responsibilities and were free to play. They might partake in activities such as colouring in, or wearing cute outfits, or practise cockwarming, as a way to access that headspace, knowing their Daddy is there to watch out for them as they enter this relaxing yet child-like and vulnerable state of mind.
The submissive in a casual Master/slave dynamic accesses this simpler frame of mind via a different route – service. She chooses to serve her Master because she takes pleasure from knowing she is making someone else happy.
Don’t submit to everyone
BUT…here’s the important part. The person doing the bossing around must be doing it for the RIGHT reasons. They must have their submissives best interests at heart.
I’m not asking my partner to do something for me because I see them as less or a person or less equal than me. It’s simply a roleplay of a dynamic. I know they are more than capable of saying no if they don’t want to do something – and I will fully respect that ’no’.
The fake dominants who ask their subs to do something then get angry or resentful when their sub doesn’t want to are being emotionally abusive. That is NOT a Dom sub relationship – at least not a healthy one.
A respectful, empathetic dom knows the wishes of his sub. He is helping to create the relationship dynamic which works for BOTH of them.
He knows that she enjoys routine and structure, so he works to create that for her.
He knows she enjoys being bent over the bed because her man is so madly attracted to her than he simply has to have his way with her RIGHT THEN AND THERE.
He knows that there is a difference between his masculine and her feminine energy, and uses that to create a heightened sexual tension which ignites passion and flames into a relationship which might otherwise be headed for the scrap heap.
He knows she is a highly capable, intelligent woman who has hopes, desires, dreams and a successful career. He respects her for it, and builds her up whenever he can. But he also recognises her feminine soft underbelly which needs nurturing. That feminine energy which is being sucked away for corporate life and financial, parental responsibilities, and the bills which drop onto the doormat each day.
Submitting to him provides her with an escape from all that. A time to slip into a hedonistic fantasy – a bubble with just her and her man which envelopes her, cradles her, makes her long for him, and recharges her spiritual battery so she can battle through another week.
That’s why she desires a certain amount of domination, be it in the bedroom or a more 24/7 dom sub dynamic.
But it is controlling?
This is not really about control. In fact, both parties have equal control. If the man really has more control then that again is not the true essence of a Dom sub relationship.
You could even argue the submissive has MORE control – she’s the one who’s needs are being tended to.
Imagine going for a full body massage at your local spa. You are stripped naked, lying on a table. Vulnerable, exposed. Being touched by someone else who stands over you whilst you are face down in a submissive position.
It feels bloody fantastic!
But guess what…
Who’s the one in control? The massage therapist or the client?
You could stop the massage at any time. You are the one who booked the appointment and requested it. You signed a contract agreeing to strip down to your underwear, hop on a table, and let someone else touch you.
And you also know the spa has a lot to lose by acting inappropriately. There’s a non-verbal, society convention dictating they will treat you fairly and kindly and provide the services you requested.
So even though you are the one face down and naked, YOU still have the power!
It’s up to the massage therapist to decide what strokes he uses, what oils he uses, and how much pressure he applies to you. There are agreed boundaries they are working within. Because of those boundaries, you are able to relax and let go. Without those boundaries., you wouldn’t.
This is the essence of a good dom and sub relationship.
You might be the one roleplaying the submissive, but you’ve communicated effectively with your Dom, sharing your wants and desires. You trust him enough to know what turns you on and what relaxes you. And you trust that he will be a good dominant and respect that non-verbal contract.
Both partners needs are being met, and both people are thoroughly enjoying the experience and getting pleasure from it.
So why would a woman want to be a submissive?
There’s no one answer.
- It might be a therapy to help them overcome some trauma.
- It might be to help them realise how beautiful and sexy they are, to boost body confidence.
- It might be because they need a little bit of guidance and support to do all the kinky things they are longing to but feel shame or guilt over.
- It might be because they want a teacher watching over them, helping them taking their first steps and reassuring them they’ll be all right.
- It’s a guiding hand to help when they are unsure.
- It’s the raw masculine energy they crave to accompanying their diving femininity.
- It’s a state of bliss that is a world away from the hectic everyday and mundane.
- It’s a state of mindfulness and tranquillity where no thought is required.
It’s all of those things and more.
And it’s probably the best relationship they will have been in because of the open dialogue, trust and communication which is forced to exist in order to navigate the BDSM world.