Submissive Rules: A Complete Guide to Setting Rules for Subs (with Examples)

submissive rules. Rules to give subs

Coming up with submissive rules for your sub to follow is a really fun part of a dom sub relationship. But if you’re new to the BDSM scene you might not know the types of rules to set or even what a list of basic sub rules to follow should be.

In this submissive rules guide I’ll help you understand:

  • What a rule for a sub is
  • When you should set rules for your sub
  • The difference between a submissive rule and a command
  • Different categories of rules for subs you can use
  • Examples rules to give your sub if your getting started (I’ve listed out a whole bunch of examples of rules for a sub at the end of this guide)

So let’s get started with the complete guide to rules for subsmissives and how to set rules as a dominant.

What are submissive rules?

Just so we’re all on the same page, rules for a subs are expectations of duties, tasks or services you want your submissive to perform on a regular basis, without you explicitly having to tell them.

They are set by the dominant in the relationship, creating a somewhat of a structure to the dom sub relationship.

As you’ll learn below, dom sub rules are varied, depend upon your style of dominance and submission, and any list of rules you create will naturally evolve over time.

Submissive rules vs commands

The rules you give a sub are things which they mist abide to at all times.

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Commands you give are one off instructions which only apply then and there.

For example, “you’re cooking dinner tonight pick three recipes for me to choose from” is a command. It’s situational depending upon your wants as a dominant at that moment in time.

However, if you find yourself wanting your sub to cook for you often, then you can make this command into a formal rule such as

  • Every Friday you should text me three meal choices, and once I’ve chosen, you’ll cook it for me that evening

Here’s another example. The command “get on your knees and take me in your mouth” could become any number of rules:

  • If you wake up before me on the weekend, you should take me in your mouth
  • If I’m watching TV and remove my trousers, you are expected to suck me until I say you can stop.
  • When I return home your first words should be “may I offer Sir a blowjob?”

These are all rules because they happen each and everytime the situation arises without exception.

Categorising rules for subs

The types of submissive rules you set depend upon your personal dominant style.

  • Slave rules: Some dominants enjoy setting more master or Kajira types of rules, where their submissive acts as a slave and performs acts of service. The purpose of these rules is to ensure you as the Master are having your life made easier, or being worshipped by your slave. These rules would be given and enforced during a period of slave training. (Read more about how to be a good submissive slave).
  • Sex rules. If you are strictly in a sexual BDSM relationship dynamic, then the rules you will want are more explicit. Orgasm denial or rituals for the bedroom make up the majority of them.
  • House rules. If you enjoy a BDSM dynamic out of the bedroom then having rules for the house is very fun. These rules can be part sexual (e.g. making your submissive strip for you when she enters the house), part assistive (e.g. making you dinner, giving you a massage), part helpful (e.g. helping you with everyday tasks). It’s up to you as the Dom!
  • Public rules. In public your D/s dynamic needs to go under the radar. But you can still keep things going with subtle rules no-one else will notice (such as you choosing what your sub eats at a restaurant).
  • Remote rules. These rules are for domming your sub when she isn’t with you. She might be on holiday with the gals, or live separately from you. In this situation its important you remind her who’s boss from time to time.
  • Rules for kink events. Merge public and sexual rules to create kinky rules you can give your sub whilst attending play parties or social events with open minded folks.

It’s up to you to create rules which both you and your partner agreed to. Remember – being a good Dom isn’t about commanding your sub to do whatever you want.

It’s about creating and exploring a space where two consenting adults have agreed to engage in differential power dynamics, the Dom or Master having higher status, and the submissive having less.

BDSM rules should be set which serve to sustain and grow this dynamic, and both parties are benefiting from, not just the Dom.

Without further ado, here are some examples of good rules for subs you can start incorporating into your dom sub relationship.

a submissive woman wearing black is given a list of sub rules to follow
She’s ready and waiting for you to set her some rules

Who are sub rules REALLY for?

You might think the rules you give to your submissive are designed to make her do what you want. That’s partly true, but doesn’t capture the entire essence of what their purpose is

SOME rules are just that. Things that make your life as a dominant easier, as well as things you want sexually.

However, you should also remember that your role as a dominant is to care for, and help your sub grow as a person. And therefore you probably want some rules for your sub which are designed to encourage that.

For example, a basic sub rule which only addresses your pleasure might be:

  • When I return home from work I expect a glass of water to be waiting for me

Whereas a rule designed to nurture her as a person might be:

  • At least once a week you should spend an hour alone reading your favourite book.

This rule would be perfect for a submissive who is unable to switch off, gets stressed easily, or is not good at caring care of herself because she is constantly making sure you, and other people, are cared for.

You may also want rules which serve to grow your relationship.

  • Every Sunday evening you will write down three things which could be improved in our relationship and read them to me.

This would help you understand where you might be able to improve aspects of yourself, things which you may not be able to see without another’s perspective.

So remember, rules you give your submissive don’t only have to be sexual and for your please. They may also:

  • Help her relax
  • Help you notice areas you could improve upon
  • Identify relationship weaknesses to improve
  • Help her achieve what she wants in life
  • Calm and relax her
  • Keep her focussed and in the present moment
  • Learn a new skill
  • Do things which you know you’ll both benefit from (eg research our next holiday, pick out three shirts for me you think I’d look good in, etc)

A basic sub rule for one, isn’t for another

When I started on my journey to being a dominant and looking for submissive women to date, I wasn’t sure what basic rules for a sub I should be using?

There are many articles on the internet which list all the basic rules for a sub you could use, but they were somewhat scattered, and I found myself trawling many websites, copy and pasting into Google Sheets, and then categorising, rewording, and adding my own.

Some of the rules for the sub were not compatible with my style of play. As an example, a basic rule for a submissive slave style relationship might be:

  • Slave should not speak to her Master unless spoken to

Whilst I might set this as a rule if I was to run a high protocol BDSM scene as a one off, it isn’t something I would want enforced all day everyday.

Some basic rules for submissives I read were spot on, and did reflect my kinks and desires for a partner. For example, the rule

  • She will make her body available to him for use whenever he desires

is one that I would consider a basic for a sub in the type of dynamic I want.

Which all goes to show, one basic rule for a sub in one D/s relationship isn’t the same for another.

Not only do you have to factor in the type of dominant you are and the type of submissive she is, but you also need to think about your experience levels.

If your submissive has been practising BDSM for years, then what she considers a basic sub rule is probably going to be different from what a beginner submissive deems basic.

As an example, the rule:

  • She must wear a butt plug for at least one hour day day

might seem impossible and downright scary as a rule for a beginner sub. But for a more experience sub, she may look at that and say ‘Only an hour?’ ?

Likewise, the submissive might have a hard limit when it comes to anal play, regardless of her experience level. And so any basic sub rules which the dominant wants to do with anal must be taken off the table.

Deciding on your list of basic rules for is a matter of personal preference, and the list you have with one submissive may not be the list or rules you use for another submissive.

Your list will most likely also evolve over time as your dom sub relationship evolves.

When and how to set submissive rules

When should you set your sub rules? Do you write them down on a piece of paper? Store them electronically? Tell them to your sub one by one?

After a few weeks of dating my sub, and after I’d got to know her preferences, both in sexually and generally what type of submissive she way (Try my What Sub Personality Are You? quiz as well as my What is a sub? And what types of sub exist? article for more information) I began to start formulating the types of rules I wanted her to follow.

I also incorporated rules from a previous dom sub relationship which I enjoyed. I then listed out the submissive rules in a document on my computer.

My sub and I then talked through the list or rules, so I could check if there were any she didn’t think she’d be able to follow, or had hesitations about.

I want her to ENJOY following the rules (remember being a dominant is not just about serving yourself) which is why these discussions and good communication is important.

Submissives in the past would also have ideas for rules (perhaps from previous dominants, or perhaps just something they enjoy doing for you and brings them pleasure). Those would be added to the list.

After some back and forth (this is why having a shared Google doc you can both edit is great), I had a good starting list of rules for my sub, and we were both in agreement on them.

I also copied the list (remember, my list of rules is small because I can also give commands and I don’t live with her) and sent it to her via Whatsapp (easier to reference than an online document).

Rules I use for my sub

A dom sub couple practises rules for submissives by a tree

My style of dominance is less S&M and more caring, nurturing, whilst also incorporating elements of service, and a strong sex element.

Therefore my rules for a sub cater to that.

Here is the list of rules we started for everyday use:

  1. I will make my body available to Him for use at any time, and act as His sexual plaything. 
  2. I will learn to worship and crave His cock, relishing every opportunity to please it. I have permission and am encouraged to spontaneously start playing with it in any situation.
  3. I will respond with “Thank you, Daddy” after every orgasm I have in His presence.
  4. I will learn the list of voice commands (given previously) and adopt the positions quickly and accurately when instructed. (This one we ended up dropping, as high protocol Master/slave dynamic wasn’t really my thing. If I want her to sit at my feet I’ll just tell her what position to adopt)
  5. I will take the time to communicate my thoughts and feelings, preferably in written form, so He knows which parts of my service I enjoy and which areas can be improved.
  6. In public I will do my best to look as good as I can so He can proudly show me off.
  7. I will keep my cunt and ass smooth and hair free for His viewing pleasure.
  8. My orgasms belong to Daddy. I shall not have one without first asking his permission.
  9. My pussy and ass also belong to Daddy. I give him full permission to use my holes as he sees fit, at any time of the day or night.
  10. I will practise anal training until I can take Daddy’s cock with ease. 
  11. I will inform Him via text of any orgasms I have without Him straight afterwards, and what I fantasised about.
  12. I will accompany him to kink events when requested, knowing He will keep me save and look out for me.
  13. In public I will make an effort to wear clothes I know are appealing to Him and emphasise my femininity.
  14. At His house I shall be naked at all times, unless otherwise requested. (This one proved not to be practical. It’s too cold and I have big windows! That said, she’s often mostly naked, such as wearing nothing but a long t-shirt, which gives me easy access to her whenever I want)
  15. In private, if I require oral comfort or pacification at any time I shall inform Him by kneeling and saying “Please may I make use of your cock, Daddy?” and wait for an answer.
  16. I shall think up creative ways to show Him my submissive side when He’s not around over text or email. 
  17. I will learn his routines and do everything I can to anticipate his needs and provide assistance through service. This may include everything from sexual services to housework.
  18. I will learn how to massage His feet and provide foot rubs when requested, practising the art with focused attention and mindfulness.
  19. I will learn how to massage His cock expertly with my hands for sexual release, and be available to provide this service when requested. 
  20. I understand that failure to comply with these rules will result in punishment and re-training. Punishment will depend on the severity of the infraction.

And here are some rules we use when you go to kinky events (mainly for safety reasons):

  1. No talking to, touching or interacting with anyone without my permission.
  2. Daddy has the final say, as always, and you will listen carefully to my instructions and follow them. 
  3. If feeling anxious, tell me immediately so I can do something about it.
  4. Stay close to me at all times unless instructed otherwise, standing to my right or kneeling at my feet if the floor is suitable (I’ll decide. Most likely this won’t be possible due to the nature of the venue).
  5. When I go to the bathroom you should accompany me and wait outside so I know where you are and that you’re safe.
  6. If you need to go to the bathroom you will ask my permission and I will accompany you.

If I lived with a sub then I would include more rules (these only really work if you live together, hence why I don’t currently use them) such as:

  • Before bed I’ll ask what clothes He would like to wear the next day, and lay them out for Him
  • I will plug in His phone to charge before bed
  • I will make the bed each morning

And if I was in a longer term Dom sub relationship then I would add more rules to ensure both my sub wa a growing as a person, as well as the relationship.

But like I said, as I’m not living with my sub, some rules aren’t practical to implement, and instead I would just issue commands.

Instead I prefer to keep the list short and add rules onto the list as and when I think of something I don’t like doing, something I want sexually, or something I feel my sub needs in order to grow.

As the sub learns the new rules I re-enforce their positive behaviour with rewards (a part of their submissive training).

Your list of rules for your submissive may be even shorter, and that’s absolutely fine, even encouraged, if you are just starting out. It’s better to have one rule which is enforced and you both enjoy, than 100 where only a handful are followed haphazardly.

Wording your rules

You may have noticed throughout this article I’ve worded the submissive rules using two different styles.

The first style is written in the first person, as if the sub was writing it:

  • I will make the bed each morning

The second style is written from my perspective as a dominant, and more commanding:

  • Each Monday you’ll research kink events happening that week and send me a list so I can but tickets to anything which looks good.

Pick a style which you prefer. It makes little difference. The first style has the benefit of being an affirmation of sorts, something which your submissive might enjoy reading each day.

My only advice would be to stick to one format when writing your list of rules for a submissive. Mixing them can make it a little more difficult to read and learn the rules.

Notice how I’ve also capitalised Him, His, Daddy and Sir. This emphasises the dynamic at play, the capitals signifying who has the power.

Example rules for subs

Below is a list of submissive rules which you can use to get ideas. As always, pick the ones what most suit the type of dominant you are and best suit the dom sub relationship you have.

I’ve prefixed each rule with the main category it belongs to. Some rules fall into multiple rules, but you get the idea.

General rules

  1. You will call me Sir/Master/Daddy at all times. If we are with vanilla people this can be relaxed.
  2. You will continually look for ways to demonstrate your submission to me.
  3. Look for my consent (either verbal or non-verbal) when wanted to speak to someone in public.
  4. You must be contactable via WhatsApp at all times to receive instructions. If this is not possible, you should inform me how long you will be out of contact for.
  5. You will not discuss our Dom sub dynamic with anyone unless I have given you permission.
  6. Each Monday you’ll research kink events happening that week and send me a list so I can but tickets to anything which looks good.

House rules

  1. You must put on your house collar (read about the different types of collar) when you wake up and keep it on until you go to bed. You may remove it when leaving the house and change it for a day collar.
  2. Offer me a drink of water when you enter my home or I enter yours.
  3. When you want to use the toilet, you must ask my permission.
  4. Before you leave the room you must ask my permission.
  5. Ask permission before getting in to bed.
  6. When you enter my house you will strip down to your underwear and go barefoot.
  7. No clothes allowed in the house.
  8. When you get in to bed you must remove all items of clothing. 
  9. Make the bed look presentable each morning after we’ve both got up.
  10. You are responsible for laying out my clothes for work the evening before.
  11. You will ensure my phone is charged and the alarm set for the following day.

Public rules

  1. I will choose what you eat and drink when we go out to a restaurant.
  2. You will fill up my glass when I push it towards you.
  3. At a restaurant it is your responsibility to ensure my glass is always full of water.
  4. You will not start eating until I have started my meal.
  5. Serve my food first, and any guests, before yourself.
  6. You will stand to my right when in public and keep close by.
  7. At kinky parties you will kneel at my feet whilst I talk to other guests.
  8. Choose outfits you know I think you look sexy in when we are in public together.
  9. When wearing a skirt and we are together (and it’s warm enough), you will remove your panties and hand them to me.

Slave rules for subs

  1. Every Friday night after work you will cook a three course meal for me.
  2. Learn your submissive poses and get into them fast when he command is given.
  3. You are responsible for keeping the house neat and tidy.
  4. Your body must be made available to me at all times, even in the middle of the night.
  5. As a slave your phone must remain out of sight at all times.
  6. Kneel at my feet when at home together and you aren’t doing tasks.
  7. Do not not sit on furniture without my permission.
  8. You will massage my body on request.
  9. You will sit at my feet whilst I’m watching TV.
  10. When I place my feet in your lap you will massage them.
  11. Between the hours of 7 and 8pm you are to remain silent, only speaking when spoken to.
  12. When I’m busy at home you should remain in a standing pose nearby, awaiting any commands I may give.
  13. Whilst I am sitting at my desk, you will offer to kneel under it and take me in your mouth whilst I work.
  14. When I get home from work you should be kneeling by the door, ready to take off my coat and serve me however I need that day.
  15. When I get home from work on Monday night’s you should be naked on all fours on the bed, because I like to start the week off right.

Remote rules for subs

  1. Record the sound of your orgasm whenever you climax and send it to me over Whatsapp.
  2. You will let me choose which underwear (if any) you wear for the day.
  3. Send me a good morning text when you wake up if we are not together.
  4. Every time you go out in public you must text me to ask if underwear is allowed.
  5. Let me know when you leave the house and when you return home.
  6. Inform me of any dates you go on.
  7. Send me at least one nude picture of yourself every week.
  8. Attend the gym three times per week. Send me a photo to prove you were there.
  9. Write a journal after each BDSM scene listing out what you enjoyed.
  10. Say your daily affirmations in front of the mirror each morning.
  11. If you want to touch yourself you must ask my permission first.
  12. On holiday you must take a photo of yourself with a famous landmark in the background, your breasts exposed.
  13. Wear a butt plug whenever you leave the house to go grocery shopping.
  14. Wear a butt plug to work on a Friday.
  15. Text me a daily picture you’ve found online that sums up your mood.
  16. Text me a daily photo you’ve found online that you know will turn me on.
  17. Text me exactly what you were thinking about when you orgasmed.
  18. Text me a short fantasy weekly you’d like us to try.
  19. On date night you’ll text me three pictures of outfits your considering wearing. I’ll pick one for you.

Sex rules for subs

  1. Wear a butt plug at least once per day for thirty minutes as part of your anal training.
  2. After sex you must clean off my cock with your mouth.
  3. After you’ve had an orgasm you must say “Thank you, Daddy/Master/Sir”.
  4. In the morning when you wake up you will ask me if I need cockwarming.
  5. You may only come after I have.
  6. Before each orgasm you will ask me if you can come.
  7. After each orgasm you will thank me for allowing you to come.
  8. You will keep your private parts smooth, or in a fashion requested by me.
  9. You will learn how to make me come with your mouth and hands.

Phew! That was a lot of rules.

Now if you’re wondering, no, these aren’t ALL rules that I give my sub. Some of them contradict each other, and there are far too many.

I like to give my sub rules which make my life better, her life better, our sex life better, and work towards building something we both love doing.

I suggest you show this list to your sub and go through the rules together. Take the rules which jump out at you, get you a little bit excited or intrigued, and begin incorporating them into your daily life.

And if you’ve got some submissive rules you love but I haven’t listed (I’m sure you will have because there are infinite possibilities after all so ), leave them in the comments.

Good luck!

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Thank you it was a fantastic article well written what a great way to get started

Hey
This made for very interesting reading and just what I needed to do was research

Thank you for more brilliant information. We are going from strength to strength rapidly with our new lifestyle thanks to your amazing website .

This was a great list of ideas to incorporate into my life. It is something I can give my husband to see if we can find a compromise to get started with this new lifestyle.

I broke a command of continuing to text my Master when he had told me not to disturb him. He later told me he was not upset with me anymore. I miss read this as been able to continue. He has since told me he will not tolerate forgive or accept my disobedience and has cut of contact with me. I have been commanded never to contact him again. This was 3 days ago. I have not contacted him. Any suggestions on how to get him back please? He had previously told me he would disregard me if I didn’t follow a basic command I thought that was meant for sex not out of the bedroom

Thank you for your insight I have read the article and am seeing some of this traits. A lot more are not there though. I will definitely take them all into consideration. I love your site and will definitely continue to follow you as I go into this new endeavour in my life

Amazing

Where is best plave to find a dom? Xx

Hi Lynn, feel free to contact me
Jamie goodtimesro11 on kik happy to discuss

Wonderful article, opened my eyes to different things when it comes to BDSM. When it comes to making and setting rules.

One hell of a write up my guy. Doing all my research into being a better Dom and this was a goldmine so thank you!

What kinds of rules would work well into a dynamic of parents with children at home?