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When dating as a submissive it is important to look out for Fake Doms.
In this guide I’ll explain what a Fake Dom is, why they’re bad news, and how to spot them in the wild.
What is a Fake Dom?
Fake Dom is the term given to a person who claims to be a Dominant when in reality they have no clue what they are doing.
Fake Doms often have little regard for the sub, instead believing a D/s dynamic is solely for their benefit and they can make the sub do whatever they want.
Any sub engaged in online dating will have encountered a Fake Dom. As soon as you give them a whiff that you are into D/s, they immediately try and dominate you.
Fake Doms often have no real experience of being in a Dom sub relationship, and have no desire to learn.
Being in a relationship with a Fake Dom is damaging to the emotional and physical wellbeing of the submissive, especially if she is new and unable to recognise she is interacting with a Fake Dom.
Why subs should avoid Fake Doms
And because of this they may end up in dynamics or full blown relationships which they think are healthy but in reality are not.
With little education material out there on what a healthy Dom sub relationship looks like, how do you know how a Dominant is supposed to act?
They make you feel bad
In a relationship with a Fake Dom you’ll find yourself asking questions such as:
- My Dominant asked me to do X but I don’t enjoy it. Do I have to obey him?
- My Dominant got angry when I didn’t do as asked and now I feel guilty. Is this normal?
- My Dominant is focused on his pleasure and not mine. What should I do?
All of these are signs of a sub in a dynamic with a Fake Dom.
The downsides of being in such a dynamic should appear obvious from reading the questions above.
Being in a relationship with a Fake Dom makes the submissive feel:
- Small (not in a good way)
- As though she has to continually prove themselves
- As though she is getting far less benefits from the dynamic than the Dom does
- Fearful of putting a foot wrong
- As though her thoughts and feelings don’t matter
Does this sound familiar?
It should, because they are signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, and certainly not one you want to be in.
Expect equal benefits
As a Romantic Dominant I make it my mission to ensure myself and my sub are getting equal benefits from the relationship, regardless of if it is a short term deal or a full-blown romantic partnership.
Just because the power in a Dom/sub dynamic isn’t equal, it doesn’t mean the benefits shouldn’t be equal.
The Dom and sub don’t get the same type of benefits but they do get equally valued benefits.
For example, in my Dom/sub relationship I have my sub perform some domestic duties such as cooking, give me massages when I’ve had a long day at work, help me out with small tasks, and be available for sexual use as often as needed.
In return I take care of my sub when she needs help with making decisions, or wants to switch off and relax, or wants to have great sex, or wants to feel safe and protected, and because she gets happy feelings by knowing she is helping me.
Different benefits. Equal weightings.
When you read the list of wants and benefits it appears very similar to most vanilla relationships, with the addition of more kinky sexual activities.
(As I always say, it’s not only what you do but how you do it. You can ask your sub to make you a cup of tea but do so in a dominant way, thereby distinguishing the task from that of a vanilla dynamic)
Fake Doms take more than they give
The issue with Fake Doms is that they’ve misunderstood what I believe to be the fundamentals of D/s.
They don’t understand it’s not all about getting your sub to do whatever you want for you with no benefit for the sub.
Notice the ‘with no benefit’ in the previous sentence.
It is absolutely okay for a submissive to be in a dynamic where the Dominant gets the sub to do everything for them, but only if this has been agreed to (perhaps in a bdsm contract) and the sub is getting some benefit.
For example, there are some submissives who thoroughly enjoy being bossed around in and outside the bedroom. They love being at the beck and call of their Master, and take great pleasure in knowing their place and that they are providing an excellent level of service.
I have no problem with such a dynamic. In fact, I find it pretty hot.
What I take issue with is when a Fake Dom assumes that his sub will be into this, and starts the dynamic without having asked if it is what she wants and enjoys. If the sub doesn’t enjoy this style of power play, then she is getting no benefits. The Dom is getting them all.
7 Ways to spot a Fake Dom
Now you know what a Fake Dom is and why they are bad news, how do you spot a Fake Dom when you are looking for a kinky partner?
Here are some signs that you are dating a Fake Dom:
1. Fake Doms try to dominate you immediately
From the very first conversation the Fake Dom will try and dominate you.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a first date, or you are chatting to them on an online dating app, they will try and get you to do things for them.
This is bad because it’s a sign they don’t care about you as a person. They only want someone who they can control.
Real Dom’s probably won’t even bring up D/s during initial conversations, instead wanted to get to know you as a person.
If the conversation does turn kinky, a Real Dom will be interested in your previous experience, the type of submissive you are, your likes, your dislikes, your hard and soft limits.
If your only conversation is the Dom telling you what to do, it’s a sign your talking to a Fake Dom.
2. Fake Doms don’t ask for consent
Communication in a BDSM relationship is fundamental.
A Fake Dom doesn’t appreciate or care about this.
Remember, they are only in it for themselves and simply assume that because you’ve labelled yourself as a sub they have the right to make you do whatever they want.
This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Dom sub dynamics require open, authentic, honest, and sincere communication BEFORE you start to play together.
If your Dominant has not discussed boundaries with you, or is forcing you to do something you really don’t want to do, he’s a Fake Dom.
3. Fake Doms make you do outrageous things
I recently received an email from a reader who had had several encounters with Fake Doms as she began dating.
Here are just a few of her experiences, all of which I found hilarious as they are so far from what being a real Dom is all about:
- “A guy who spoke to me on the phone asked me to imagine him spanking me and then he told me that he could hear in my voice that I was going into subspace. I think I might have been chewing a few peanuts at the time. The next, also on the phone, told me to masturbate and then run down the street shouting loudly ‘I’ve come, I’ve come’.”
- “One guy wanted me to go to Tesco and buy a cucumber and KY jelly and stand at the checkout in very revealing clothes and say very loudly. ‘I am going to play with these this afternoon'”
- “I had a flurry of ‘Hi, my name is Master and you, miserable slut (I’m being polite here), will obey me'”
Yes, these are so ridiculous it’s comic.
In all the cases they were trying to dominate her right away, without consent, and without a jot of consideration for what the sub wanted.
Asking a sub to go to Tesco, buy a cucumber, and announce she is going to use them for sexual pleasure might be highly arousing if you are the type of sub who gets off on humiliation play. But this Dom didn’t ask or care if humiliation was of interest to her.
As a sub you should not do anything you don’t want to do, unless you have given your Dom specific instruction that you consent to them pushing your limits. And even then make sure you have caveats and boundaries in place.
(You might want to read My Dominant Asked Me to Do Something But I Don’t Want to. Am I a Bad Sub? for more info)
4. Fake Doms make it all about them
If your Dominant never attempts to pleasure you sexually, and is only concerned with getting themselves off, they’re a Fake Dom (again with the caveat that this is fine if you have agreed to this type of dynamic.
Fake Doms want all the sexual pleasure but don’t care about yours. They’ll never reciprocate, even if you beg them.
Fake Doms take, take, take.
And if you object, they’ll brand you as a ‘bad sub’, making you feel bad, even when this is untrue.
5. Fake Doms don’t give aftercare
This is a HUGE red flag.
Any Dominant unwilling to provide aftercare is a Fake Dom.
Aftercare is such an essential component of a BDSM scene to help bring a sub back to the real world.
If the Dom has admitted to being new and inexperienced, then their lack of knowledge of aftercare is understandable.
But if someone is claiming to be a Dom but doesn’t understand aftercare, or won’t give a sub what she needs in aftercare, even if you’ve told them, that is not acceptable.
6. Fake Doms get angry if you don’t obey them
One of the characteristics of a good Dom is being cool, calm and collected. They must be able to operate under pressure, and to not get flustered easily.
They have a good understanding of their emotions and are introspective.
If a Dom becomes angry when a sub refuses to do something (again, caveated by this not being a consented to part of your dynamic – some subs may enjoy being shouted at) then your dealing with a Fake Dom.
A real Dom will talk with you to understand what is stopping you doing what they’ve asked, help you work through it, or change the request entirely if it is bumping against your hard or soft limits.
7. Fake Doms don’t want feedback
Woe betide any sub who trys to give their Fake Dom feedback. A Fake Dom won’t listen, because they believe they are the one in charge and the sub should never question them (which you should know is false by now).
Concluding how to spot a Fake Dom
Fake Doms are bad news for BDSM. They don’t know what they are doing, and give us real Dominants a bad name, as well as putting new subs off the idea of entering a D/s relationship.
To spot a fake Dom, look for one of the following signs:
- Fake Doms try to dominate you right away
- Fake Doms don’t ask for consent
- Fake Doms make you do outrageous things
- Fake Doms make it all about them
- Fake Doms don’t give aftercare
- Fake Doms get angry if you don’t obey them
- Fake Doms don’t want feedback
Have you encountered a Fake Dom? What made you realise they were a Fake Dom? Leave a comment below.