So, You’re Interested in Attending a Sex Party…

sex parties guide

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So you and/or your partner are curious about what happens at a sex party and are tempted to attend one.

I certainly know I was for a long time. What happens? What sort of people attend?

Read on for a high level over view of the types of parties that are out there, and a few tips.

Every party is different

Having attended multiple sex parties, adult parties, play parties, swingers parties, whatever you want to call them nowadays, the main thing to know is that each has a unique feel.

Just like going to a bar, they may all serve the same drinks, but the way they do it, and the attitudes and behaviours of the clientele change. You can even have a completely different experience in the same bar one weekend compared to the next.

It’s just the same with sex parties.

Here’s some of the types of parties I’ve attended, along with my thoughts and advice to you.

Kink themed club nights

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I put Torture Garden, Zara DuRose and Klub Verboten parties into this category.

They happen in large public venues which hold thousands of people.

There are DJs playing techno or electronic music, and perhaps a live band.

Everyone dresses up in fetish gear (a requirement for entry).

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They normally feature a ‘dungeon’ or sex room (one room in the club which has been set up with BDSM dungeon equipment such as horses, sex swings, St. Andrew’s crosses.

90% of the people don’t engage in sexual activity, they just enjoy dressing up and dancing with their mates.

Women tend to wear lingerie (although check each companies specific rules. Some require the lingerie by kink themed), latex or PVC. Men wear latex and PVC suits, shorts or tight tops. You can expose as little or as much flesh as you like.

Swingers (lifestyle) clubs

Swingers clubs are geared to what is referred to as ‘The Lifestyle’. They are aimed at couples and single women (although some clubs do allow single men on certain nights. If you do attend as a single guy, try not to be a creep or one of the weirdos who’s pushy.)

Yes, you probably won’t get laid as a single guy going to a party unless you are respectful, in great shape, and have great social skills because you’re competing against 20 other single guys for a single woman.

Couples and single women may want to avoid nights where single guys are allowed in for this reason. If you are a couple wanting to attend a night for the first time, I advise going on couples only nights.

There’s no pressure to do anything at a lifestyle club. You can dress up smart and just talk to people if you want to, and make some friends, talk to people about their experiences swinging. Many people do just go around watching, then head off to a private room to play with the person they came with.

Quick note on that. If you do take your partner to a private room, remember to lock the door!

I’ve had situations where I wanted some privacy but the flimsy lock wasn’t latched properly and the door ended up slightly ajar. In swingers code this means you are happy for other people to come into the room and ask to join in. Now this wasn’t an issue for me – I’m a bit of an exhibitionist so have no problem with people watching – but it may for some.

I remember one time I had my sub resting her head over the edge of the bed and I was standing over her as I fucked her mouth and slapped her pussy. We were both completely naked. I glanced over and a couple were pushing open the door to have a better look. They came into the room. The woman sat on the bed to the left of my sub, the man to the right. And then we just had a normal conversation, all the while my sub holding my cock in her mouth.

Play parties

Play parties are not quite the same as swingers parties/sex clubs. They have a different feel to them.

Some play parties (such as Killing Kittens) cater to a more ‘exclusive’ group of people, which tends to attract a more heteronormative crowd of newbies. The organisers put effort into making them seem ‘upmarket’, having rules such as you must wear a mask before 11pm and everyone should make an effort to dress up in formal evening wear.

Other play parties are kink themed, or women only, and everything in between.

Each has a different feel to it so do your research before you pick a company to go with. If it is a smaller, less well known company, then speak to the owner if you can, to make sure it isn’t just some dude posting on Gumtree trying to get laid. Also pick a company that caters to what you are looking for.

I’m been to some really bad, smaller parties where the host doesn’t know how to make guests feel comfortable and they felt like an awkward teenage truth or dare sleepover.

And I’ve been to larger parties which didn’t do it for me either. I’ve also been to several parties with the same companies and had totally different experiences. So don’t judge everything based on one night.

Go on the Fetlife events page to find events near you.

Private parties

Private parties tend to be the most selective of all, simply because you need to have met kinky people in order to be invited to them. They aren’t advertised and are often just a handful of people who know each other getting together.

I don’t have any tips on getting invited to these except keep yourself in shape, be friendly and sociable, and not pushy. Essentially it’s the same rules as getting invited to regular parties. Meet people at larger more public events, and become friends.

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Why do people attend a sex party?

So many reasons. Voyeurism, exhibitionism, cuckholding and cuckqueaning fantasies, to spice up your relationship, to make new friends, to find a partner, to experience hedonism, to have a once in a lifetime wild night out, to create more intimacy between yourself and your partner, to play with others, to explore your bisexual curiosity.

Men may go to look at other women and have a chance to play with other women, or to show off their partner.

Women may go to experience playing with other women as this isn’t something they can experiment easily with outside sex party environments, but may also enjoy playing with other men.

As mentioned, the kink themed club nights are more about the socialising than the sex. The lifestyle and play parties are more about the sex but include some socialising.

UK sex party companies

Below are my brief thoughts on some of the companies in the UK which run play parties and adult themed kink nights (I’ve only included ones I’ve been to).

I had a good time at all of them, but there are differences between them.

Torture Garden parties (TG)

The most commercial but the kind of place you could go for a fun night out with mates.

They let in anyone (singles and couples) as long as your are dressed in fetish wear and have bought a ticket.

There’s a strong techno vibe.

Lots of newbies who’ve been brought along by friends and never done anything like it before. Lots of people describe it as a ‘gateway’ to the more hardcore parties.

There isn’t much sex or swinging that happens in the open.

They have a couples room where the sex happens, but from what I’ve seen more couples don’t swap and just play together.

I’d describe Torture Garden as fancy dress for adults in a techno club environment, where a blind eye is turned to sex.

Just like going to a normal nightclub, it’s better if you go with mates.

Big venues which move around the UK big cities, several thousand people attending each night.

Tickets are around £35 for one person.

Klub Verboten parties (KV)

In my mind very similar to Torture Garden, but perhaps a tad more extreme and with people who are more serious about kink rather than completely new to the scene.

It is a members only club and there’s a fairly difficult process with no apparent rules to join. You have to apply on their website, attend one or more of their social nights and the founders just have to like you. If you don’t have the right look or attitude you’re not getting in.

I am not a member, despite applying and attending one of their social nights.

The only party I’ve been to is one of their non-members nights, which as I say was very similar in nature to TG. I’m sure their members nights are more raucous, more intimate, and more fucking happens (so I’ve heard from friends who are members).

Read my full Klub Verboten review.

Killing Kittens parties (KK)

Killing Kittens is the most commercial sex parties in the uk, their USP being the focus is on female pleasure (for example, they have a rule where men are not allowed to approach women).

They have three types of party – one in London mansions, one at a cabaret show, and one in a sauna.

I’ve been to cabaret twice and sauna once. Never been to mansion although I know women who have.

As a single girl they are cheap to get into because you’re a rarity and you can get laid easy.

As a couple they are pricey, around £160.

They don’t police the ‘no single guys’ rule very well. Guys would come with a random date just to get in and the woman would then leave. So in the end there were single guys hanging around.

Most of the crowd is 25-40 but I’ve noticed several older guys with escorts. That’s what I mean when I say it’s no longer exclusive and very commercialised.

Plus because everyone is new to the scene they don’t always have good etiquette. There were about 100 to 150 people at the events I went to. There’s also not much of a kink element

That said, if I was a single woman I’d go. It’s cheap and full of young professionals if you wanted to get laid or experience a sex party for the first time but don’t necessarily want to have sex. 

Pleasure Island parties

I’ve been to three Pleasure Island parties (did back to back nights for a birthday treat once lol).

They specialise in smaller more relaxed and intimate events. Maybe 30 people max in two hotel rooms.

They do lots of trust exercises to warm up the crowd then it’s a free for all. I found the people at this party much more open and willing to swap. Had a good vibe to it. However, it also has a slightly hippy vibe to it. That’s not quite the right word, but they do really well at getting everyone in the mood by requesting people to strip to their lingerie as soon as you arrive as well as the games to get everyone in the mood.

This is so much better than other parties where you always need to go from fully clothed to naked, and no-one knows quite at what moment in the night that would be appropriate.

Pleasure Island aren’t kink focussed, more into free love and genuine connections I guess?

Definitely a fun night although if you go as a couple it is sort of expected you will swap, unlike the other parties. What I mean by that is you could go and just stick in your couple, but what would be the point. If you just want to watch or have sex in public I’d go to the other party venues. If you want to experience swapping in a relaxed and intimate venue with friendly, well vetted people, then PI is great.

As with other parties, you need to apply on their website, then have a call with the founders to make sure you know what you are getting yourself in to.

Le Boudoir (LB)

Some of my TG and KK friends look down on this place because it doesn’t have the branding of the others.

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It is what you’d imagine a regular (if I can even use that word to describe something most people will never experience) swingers club looks like. The decor is a bit tacky, but serves its purpose.

The people are probably around 25-50 (not ancient and ugly as people tend to imagine swingers are) and attractive because the club vets members (like it or not. Personally I’m ok with this).

There are definitely newbies here too, but they tend to be more serious about wanting to learn more (unlike Killing Kittens which has more of a ‘something I gotta try for shits and giggles’).

And there are lots of couples who go regularly.

I really like Le Boudoir because it is where I first experienced an orgy I guess. Takes me back 🙂 I also like it because it is less expensive and they hold parties every Saturday! And they don’t blast the music like in Torture Garden so you can’t talk to anyone.

They’ve set up a nice dance floor and seating area where you can get chatting to people first. I get a sense everyone is more down to earth and friendly than other places. You can just watch the sexy people, or play in a private room, or get on the orgy bed and go all out. Whatever you fancy and there’s no pressure from anyone.

Le Boudoir isn’t the only lifestyle club in the UK, but it’s the closest to me and therefore the only one I’ve attended.

You can read my other reviews of it here, here and here.

Tips for attending a sex party

Here are some top six tips for attending sex parties. I warn you now, these are subjective. They are guidelines but I’m sure people with more experience of attending parties may have different opinions. It that’s you, leave a comment!

  • Discuss boundaries with your partner. It goes without saying that sex parties can stir up plenty of negative emotions. Jealousy, guilt, shame. To combat this, make sure you have discussed everything openly with your partner. You don’t want to be that couple who has the massive shouting match in front of everyone because one half of the pair didn’t know the other half was going to try. Once again, I encourage you to fill out a sex menu together to assist this process.
  • No means no. You have to be relatively direct at a sex party if you want to play with other people. Ask if they would like to play with you, or ask if you can join in, but be willing to hear ‘No’. If you can’t accept a no without getting angry, don’t attend. Learn to deal with rejection.
  • Don’t crowd. At my first party, there was a huge orgy scene going on with myself and about 9 others (the group I’d arrive with). As we played a crowd gathered around the bed. Being watched is fine, but this lot were a mob, standing inches away from us. As I looking around, I was taken aback by an older guy, still completely clothed in an ill-fitting suit, rubbing his cock through his unzipped fly inches from my face.
  • Get consent. The wife of the guy above also thought she had the right to reach out and touch my partner. This isn’t acceptable. Keep your distance, and if you want to engage, get some form of consent from the person first. It may be a non-verbal nod or an enthusiastic yes. But do get it. This is more difficult than it sounds, especially if you are in a designated orgy zone, which can turn into a bit of a free for all. For example, if you’re on a huge bed getting frisky with your partner, and there’s a couple right next to you doing the same, is it ok to reach over and touch them? The answer is – it depends if you feel they have given you enough non-verbal consent (and because this is subjective, it’s tricky). Generally what happens is the couple will edge towards you if they are interested, and you will either slowly edge towards them if you are interested, or slowly move away. In other words, you are monitoring the body language of the other people and gauging their interest level. I would still always ask ‘can I touch you’ just to be sure though, even though your bodies are practically on top of each other.
  • Read the dynamic. Before interacting with someone, try and work out their dynamic. Are they alone or with their partner? If their partner is present, then get permission from both of them ideally before commencing play. I prefer to talk with the couple in a non-sexual situation first to understand what they are looking for to avoid any confusion, but this doesn’t always happen.
  • Have fun! Try and relax. As the end of the day, it’s just naked people having sex. And sex is supposed to be fun. Don’t build it up in your head to be this big scary thing. I appreciate that’s easy for me to say – some people find sex with a partner in the privacy or their own home struggle enough. I don’t want to downplay how traumatic sex can be for some. However I’m guessing if you are reading this article you are not one of those people, and your hesitancy at attending a party is because: you’re nervous because you don’t know what to expect (hopefully this article helped) or you’re worried of the consequences it may have on your relationship due to jealousy. If the latter resonates, then how about this – go to a sex party but agree that you and your partner will remain clothed and not play with anyone. Just go and get a feel for it. Afterwards discuss how it made you feel, then decide if you want to return or not and get more adventurous.

The guidelines can be summed up in a few words: communicate, get consent, don’t be a dick.

Have I piqued your sex party interest?

If so, great! Feel free to email me if you’ve got any questions.

Sex parties really aren’t as scary as them might seem at first, and there are more couples than you might think interested in attending them – couples just like you!

Enjoy exploring 🙂

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Thank you for the ti ps,only been twice to a party,Bizzare events,although i was made welcome as a single male i felt abit like a fish out of water,my shyness possibly.



Valid points, thanks for the article. I still can’t decide if yes or no, my partner keeps on talking about it all the time and I feel… well, undecided!


We’re is a local in London Hayes ?


Hi, how do I email you privately. I’d love to talk to you and tell you what I’m looking for in the hope you could steer me in the right direction. I’m a good looking single guy that just wants to enjoy some kinky sexual experiences


I’m really interested in going to my first party I’ve always wanted to I’m almost 34. I’m single. I want to feel at easy as in normal convo rather than being felt pushed into doing something I don’t want to and that’s what scares me. Us I’m a size 16-18…


Any places near Hastings


Hi, thanks. I found your article very useful, as up until now I’ve not really been able to find much guidance on the topic. I’m very curious and interested to attend a play party as a single guy but realise that this is easier said than done. Would I be able to message you directly for guidance? Thank you in advance

Voodoo Rays

Wow! So mind easing to read this ! Really made sense and I think it spelled out everything me and my partner have said to each other about attending! We are looking to go to our first one and reading what you written has just spiked our interest even more ! I think we have always secretly enjoyed sex in public and maybe even exhibitionism so we are really excited about getting to an event ! Would love to have another couple as friends who we could go together with to explore just to have some company to break the ice but I unfortunately and rather strangely we don’t ever feel that any of our mates would even dream of it! I think we are just far more open and we both have an incredible sexual appetite! Definitely going to read up on some of the places mentioned! Thanks for the genuine and direct information! Who know maybe our paths will cross one day ! And if we do I promise not to rub myself through my chino’s whilst being close enough to count you fillings like the guy mentioned in your travels above! Lol


Always been nervous that I’m too old, too ugly, too fat to go to one of these parties so have never had the confidence. Where should a newbie start?


i would like to join


I would definitely love to join


I have no idea where to start, I am single and have never done this before. Initially I would like to go somewhere where I could take it all in and watch. I don’t want to have to dress in kink or anything, does anyone have any ideas? Thanks x


What event do you go to as a single body conscious woman?