Conversations with a Dom: Episode 3 – Sex Parties

Conversations with a Dom BDSM podcast

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In this episode of Conversations with a Dom Jessica from Pleasure Island Parties and I discuss sex parties.

Click play below to listen to the episode.


  • Introduction [00:00]
  • How did you become a sex party organiser? [01:18]
  • What happens at a sex party? [05:49]
  • What types of sex party are there? [06:51]
  • What are some tips for beginners thinking about attending a party? [08:22]
  • How do you ensure privacy at sex parties? [11:16]
  • Talking to your partner about sex parties and non-monogamy [13:45]
  • How do you approach someone at a sex party? [18:21]
  • How does consent work at sex parties? [20:14]
  • What makes Pleasure Island sex parties unique? [25:00]
  • How do Pleasure Island sex parties normally progress? [31:49]
  • What advice would you give anyone thinking about attending a sex party? [32:59]

Transcript: Everything you wanted to know about sex parties but were afraid to ask

Chief:  Hello, and welcome to conversations with a Dom with me, Chief from Today, we’re going to be discussing sex parties and everything you wanted to know about them, but were afraid to ask.

[00:00:15] Jessica: Sometimes you see people super confident, just sliding and rolling over, and all of a sudden they’re into a whole nother orgy. 

[00:00:22] Once that first wave is done then all the nerves are gone. People are a lot more relaxed. They’re walking around naked. It’s a beautiful site. And then they’ve got a bit more confidence in which to maybe approach that person who they had that little connection with at the beginning.

[00:00:37] Most people are fully oxytocined up and blissed out by the time we finish

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[00:00:47] Chief: I’m very happy today to have Jessica from Pleasure Island Parties joining me today. They run guided intimate pleasure parties for adults seeking to explore their sexuality in safe, beautiful five-star environments. Hello, Jessica.

[00:01:17] Jessica:  Hi, thanks for having me. 

How did you become a sex party organiser?

[00:01:18] Chief: Not at all, thanks for coming on. I think the listeners would be very interested to find out how you ended up running play parties in London.

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[00:01:28] Jessica: Yeah, you don’t just wake up or leave college and all of a sudden become a sex party organizer .

[00:01:34] Um when I met my partner D we were just sort of very open and exploring things, all the wonderful things that Europe and London had to offer. So we would explore going to different sex parties, both in London and Europe and just found that there was always something that wasn’t quite right and I’m not super picky, but I know what I do like, so usually we found you’d have to wait till drunk o’clock before people got a personality in order to engage and chat and neither of us really drank that much. So we ended up sort of hanging out until about 1:00 AM before people would actually start engaging. Or the music was really cheesy and bad or it smelled bad, or it wasn’t that clean.

[00:02:20] Or there were just lots of things that didn’t encourage people to you know, relax and engage. Everyone is there for a common reason. It just sort of felt a bit like people were just waiting for someone to make the first move. So after going to a lot of these things, and yeah, it was exciting and fun, but it just never really felt good that I really, really felt what I thought a sex party could be like.

[00:02:47] I’m a sex therapist and educator, and I do sensual massage and I hold a erotic events and workshops as I, a lot of the stuff that I was teaching, I was like, well, these are quite sort of simple things that could be infused throughout a party. So D and I started doing private ones for our clients who would come to us for four handed sensual message.

[00:03:09] We’re called Ebony and ivory. So we sort of do clients and teach them how to do massage. Then they thought that they wanted to explore sensual massage side with other couples, so sort of more group environment. So then we started doing that and then it got to a stage where it’s like, well, this isn’t really a workshop anymore.

[00:03:25] This is like a nice sensual play party. So other people might like this. So then pleasure Island parties was born. That’s how we got to that stage where we wanted something a little bit guided at the beginning. So there was no awkward small talk that people were totally comfortable that the space was beautiful and safe. Smelt good look good. And that the people were there for common respectful reason and wanted to explore sensuality and in a nice, beautiful space. So I wanted to be able to vet people as well. Not by how they looked but more the vibe that they were bringing, um, and that they consent and things like that.

[00:04:09] So yeah, that’s, those were all the steps that brought us to actually creating something like Pleasure island. 

[00:04:15] Chief: It was born out of your desire to create something that you weren’t finding at other parties that you went to. And then I guess it turned into a, into a business for you and just grew because it had such good demand.

[00:04:30] Jessica: Yeah. And I had a background in event management earlier, so I sort of knew how to curate a party and then all my sex education skills . And I sort of combined them all together, but also I found that literally, I mean, we use the word island on purpose because it is like an Island in a way that most sex parties though, swinger parties or the more sort of fetish kink BDSM parties or more sort of conscious sex type tantric patties. So there was nothing really in the middle. That could serve all of those genres, as well as people who weren’t really in any particular scene.

[00:05:06] So it floated around as well. We, we changed venues all the time, so that concept as well. 

[00:05:12] Chief: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never really thought of the, the, the fact that it floats around and it’s an Island. I hadn’t, uh, hadn’t picked up on that, but I completely agree with you on so many of the things you’ve touched on and,  I’ve been to parties where as you say, everyone’s waiting till 1:00 AM to get started. And he’s just sitting there looking around the room, waiting for the first person to show a bit of flesh or take their clothes off. And someone’s got to do that. And, uh, and generally, as soon as that happens, it’s all good, but everyone’s a bit nervous at starts. And, uh, when I’ve been to your events, you have a sort of routine for, for getting around that.

What happens at a sex party?

[00:05:49] But I guess before we go into the, into the details of our, I’m just just some people will have never experienced a sex party. They’ve got no idea what happens during one.

[00:05:58] So what does happen? What does it involve? 

[00:06:03] Jessica: Yeah, well, it depends, A what type of sex party you’re going to go to and B what you want it to involve. There are loads of different types of sex, which can be under the umbrella of sex parties. So whether it’s a big commercial ones such as Torture Garden or something like Killing Kittens, or much more maybe private, just friends of friends, type one, or, you know, tiny little small gangbang or something that someone has arranged. So I guess a party could consist of what three or more. 

[00:06:34] Chief: When does it become a party? Maybe, maybe five. I think five is the magic number in my head. 

[00:06:40] Jessica: Online parties going on. I’m not totally convinced that they’re as good.

[00:06:44] Just because it is a sex party doesn’t mean that sex will happen for you. So that is an important thing to note.

What types of sex party are there?

[00:06:51] What your intentions are, what your expectations are, can define what type of party that you want to go and explore.

[00:06:57] If you were into watching or voyeurism or looking at sexy cabaret and shows and performances, or maybe a latex fashion show or flogging demonstrations then may be, you know, the ones that you can walk in different rooms and like Torture Garden where you don’t necessarily have to participate, but there are things going on, sexy things going on, potentially sex going on.

[00:07:18] Those types of parties and more parties where sex happens, not the focus is on connection and sex. Then you can have swinger places that are actual venues that are set up. They run either each weekend or whenever they run and they’re set up for people to have sex.

[00:07:36] So people just come like a club, pay their entrance fee and then, each to their own, some people who may just like walk around and watch, or some people may, just go in there with a partner and have sex in a private room or some people may be all over the place. Full throttle orgies, or really chilled Saturday night. 

[00:07:58] Chief: I think it’s the key point because someone may go to a party and maybe they’ve seen a film, like eyes wide shut, so they get, they go in and they expect, they expect a party like that. And yeah, there are parties that happen like that, but there are so many different types that it’s all about finding the one that suits your personality and what you want to get out of it, as you said, they’re all just so different. 

[00:08:21] Jessica: Totally.

What are some tips for beginners thinking about attending a party?

[00:08:22] Chief: What are some tips that you would give to any beginner who’s thought about going to one quite seriously, but it’s a little bit hesitant because they don’t quite know how involved they have to get. 

[00:08:32] Jessica: I would recommend you look at their website very carefully. Look at the etiquette, look at the do’s and the don’ts. Generally most clubs and parties are very explicit in their rules. And if all of those rules and regulations resonate well with you then, and listen to your gut feeling and if that might be something that suits you. Sometimes you can get on chat rooms with people.

[00:08:56] In the case of Pleasure Island, we actually have a phone conversation with you. You’ve registered via the website. Then we make a time just to have a quick phone chat with you, just to make sure you are who you say you were.

[00:09:07] And just to make sure that you understand the vibe that we’re trying to create. That’s really important for us because our parties are very small. Whereas, some of the other more commercial ones you won’t get that one-on-one, but you will possibly be able to talk to other people who have been to their parties.

[00:09:21] So that would be my definite advice, really do your research. And if you’re unsure, try and find people who have been and ask for their opinion, sometimes you can find on swinger chat sites or FetLife chat sites. SDC all sorts of things where you can put a question out there and ask some people. But generally, I would say, do your research and look at the websites, look at the type of photos, look at the type of language they use, and then check in with yourself and see if that’s actually sounding good for you fun for you might not necessarily be the same for someone else. 

[00:09:58] Chief: Yeah, exactly. Some people give one party, a rave review, and then you go and you just don’t like it at all. And you go to another one, which much, much suits your, your vibe more. It’s almost like going on a regular nights out. Some people like pubs, some people like bars, some people like clubs and even going to the same venue, it could be totally different because of the people there and the vibe for that one particular night. So you do need to explore a bit. It’s worth going to a few different ones to feel them out.

[00:10:26] Jessica: Oh, completely. And you change as a person, so maybe you really think you’re into going into something like, for example, Pedestal, where it’s more foot worshiping, Femdom type vibe. You may think that’s your vibe. And then you go and it’s like, okay, I’m really not what I was expecting.

[00:10:44] Maybe next time. Yeah. I might be more comfortable going with these types of people or some of my friends like this, or maybe you didn’t quite understand the dress code and sort of turned up and something that wasn’t enough was too much. Was it wasn’t it wasn’t uncomfortable for you.

[00:10:57]That’s what’s so fun about it. You can try it, try it all on and particularly in London there’s anything and everything. And the beauty of it is that if you need to be anonymous, you can, some of these are mass parties, but there’s loads of just different types. So you may be surprised yourself what you actually end up enjoying. 

How do you ensure privacy at Pleasure Island sex parties?

[00:11:16] Talk a little bit more about that, that sort of privacy aspect, because you know, we’ve all got phones. How do you know someone’s not going to be taking a photo of you, for example? 

[00:11:26] That’s really important. At pleasure Island, we make sure that everyone keeps their phones in their bag. If they need to check, then they come and tell us, and we do it in the bathroom or the private area. Most people are too busy to even think about phones. And we, we in our little chat at the beginning of the party, we always tell people that you’re on Island time now. We’re taking mental instagram pictures rather than, rather than actual ones. Privacy is a really important thing. And privacy doesn’t just mean not taking photos or videos. Privacy means discretion, not naming names or anything identifiable. Talking about your own experience, not I saw Joe Blogs from accounts. You would never guess what Karen did, you know, all that sort of stuff.

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[00:12:08] So really keeping everything nice and confidential. Really just keeping it about your own experience, if you do want to share that. Some people are really worried they might see someone who they, they bump into .

[00:12:18] That’s just a reality, I guess. At least you’ll have something to talk about or in common. We had a really funny, well, it’s funny now. Probably not at the time it wasn’t really funny for them. We take our party all over the world and we took it to Tokyo of all places.

[00:12:33] How many is 50 million in the city? And a couple turned up and their daughter’s school teacher was, was there. 

[00:12:40] Chief: Oh, no way. 

[00:12:45] Jessica: Ever done in Tokyo. We had only been in Tokyo for five days. And of all the places that you could find your daughter’s school teacher and 

[00:12:54] It was funny now and at the time it was sort of funny, but we have,

[00:13:01] Chief: she gets some good grades on her next. Uh,

[00:13:08] yeah. Yeah. Oh, I can imagine. Yeah, you’re going to end up in some, some fun situations probably. But normally if you’re in that environment with someone they’re there for the same reason, so there’s nothing to be, to be embarrassed about or anything like that.

[00:13:22] Jessica: Yeah. And we’ve had a few instances where, cause we have our parties on Friday and Saturday nights we’ve had a few instances where there’s been the same woman who’ve come, has come both nights, but with a different partner and they just wanted us to make sure that we weren’t like ‘Oh, back again’, or, you know, ‘We saw you last night’.

[00:13:38] And so we’re always completely confidential and discreet in how we as hosts interact with and deal with that as well. 

Talking to your partner about sex parties and non-monogamy

[00:13:45] Chief: Let’s talk about that for a bit. How does non-monogamy fit into this. And if you’re a couple thinking about going to, to a party, how do you, how do you negotiate that when you, when you get to a party?

[00:13:57] Jessica: Definitely negotiate it before you get to a party. That is number one rule. If you are in a relationship and you do want to explore non-monogamy and going to a party together, or just even just going to a party and not even having sex, definitely highly, highly recommend you have the conversation way before the actual party.

[00:14:19] Talk about your Dos, your definite Yeses, your definite Nos, your boundaries, your things you may be curious, the things you may want to do to make you feel safe. Maybe you want to have a secret sign that says I need to check out for a bit or anything, but don’t expect to figure it all out in the actual party.

[00:14:41] That’s not going to be fun for you or the people around you. Some partners surprising their partner ‘Hey, look, we’re here at the sex party’.

[00:14:50] It’s like, Whoa, I have seen that. Not at the ours. Um, but I have seen in others and yeah, that is basically, not cool. So you want to discuss before is, are we going to stay together the whole night? Are we going to chill out for an hour, then check in and see how we feel?

[00:15:10] What if one of us plays with someone else? And what if one of us doesn’t, you know, think of all the scenarios, talk about it over breakfast, talk it about over some sort of relaxed environment that you can both really be free and honest about. Because that will help eradicate any fears, any gray areas, any assumptions, any expectations that you have,  well before, so you can arrive nice and relaxed and aware of what boundaries you’ve discussed and what you both feel comfortable with. 

[00:15:37] I was just gonna say as well, be aware that what you’ve discussed may change on the night. So you, you know, you may get in there and then, and then suddenly if you have cold feet and you’re like, Oh no, actually I don’t want to go and do that. And that’s okay. 

[00:15:51] That’s one of the possibilities and I’m really trying to really think about all the possibilities can feel a bit impossible if it’s something that you’ve never done before. So we always really suggest everyone goes super slow and that they just really take their time.

[00:16:07] Don’t don’t feel pressurized or rushed into anything. Also have a bit of a debrief afterwards the next day. What worked well for you, what would you like to do different next time?

[00:16:17] You may have complete different experiences. Maybe one of you loved it, maybe one, if you hated it for different reasons. So it’s always good to learn from, particularly if you don’t have such a great first time, which is definitely possible.

[00:16:33] Chief: It’s again the same with any sexual activity, especially if you’re doing BDSM type activities, then you should always have that conversation.

[00:16:41] Ideally, before. Somewhat non-verbally during and then, and then certainly a debrief afterwards because you want to understand that if your partner enjoyed it and make sure that you’re both on the same page, so it doesn’t matter what kind of activity you’re doing exactly the same with, with parties as well.

[00:16:59] Jessica: Yeah, totally. And whether you’re in a super long-term relationship or a new relationship, the same sort of thing applies because, some couples choose to come without their partner because then they can be more free, I guess then, then they can experience it in a different way without keeping an eye out for, you know, someone who they’re really attached with, they might just come with a friend.

[00:17:23] So that is also an option for people who are like, ‘Oh, I can only go with my long-term partner’. That doesn’t have to be the case. At pleasure Island, we always encourage people to come with a partner that doesn’t have to be a sexual partner or a, a same sex partner.

[00:17:38] It could just be a friend. It doesn’t even have to be someone who you’ve slept with is just someone who you will feel comfortable and trust, um, and can check in with  at the party. In terms of couples only, or singles or that sort of thing, we only really allow people to come with a partner friend, buddy, whatever.

[00:17:56] There are exceptions where some single people can come, but we have to know, um, you know, they might be a regular person. All, you have to really know that they’re going to be okay in the space without a buddy. But generally we sell the tickets in pairs. 

[00:18:10] Other parties like you said, they have single guy mates, couples nights, bi nights, all sorts of different flavored nights. It just depends on what sort of flavor you’re after. 

How do you approach someone at a sex party?

[00:18:21] Chief:  Let’s talk a bit about etiquette and what you should, what you should do and not do in the space. Say you see someone that you’d like to interact with. How do you go about it? What’s the best way? 

[00:18:34] Jessica: How you approach someone that you may fancy at a party is a beautiful human experience of anticipation, nerves. All sorts of things. Excitement. Number one I would say would be to really be yourself.

[00:18:54] The type of personality will depend on the sort of style of communication that works best. So yeah. To help encourage interaction or connection I always recommend having a common focal point or a little toolbox, you may bring feathers, you may bring, cute sweets, funky sweets or fizz lollies or something that you can offer and share and then talk about and then can easily find a conversation. 

[00:19:22] How we do it at Pleasure Island is that we have a guided touch tour, and a bit of group massage. Everything’s optional and, and very easy going and flowy just to get everyone in to a sensual vibe guided by me so you don’t have to start conversations by yourself. And it can also mean that if you do have some form of connection or spark with someone, later in the night you can approach them and say, Hey, I really enjoyed that. That moment that we had earlier on, would you like to explore that more. 

[00:19:56] Just being honest, just connecting. Just, I really enjoyed the vibe we had. Would you like to explore that more or would you like some more massage or would you like to hang out or, you know, just being, being simple and you, without having any expectations being ready to receive a no. 

How does consent work at sex parties?

[00:20:14] We talk a lot about consent these days as well, and we talk about it at the parties. A No is a No, and is a complete sentence and ideally a yes, as a complete enthusiastic Yes. And then a, maybe as a playful area for negotiation, but it’s not always that clear cut. I’ve seen guys who are completely paralyzed with not being able to go and ask anyone to engage with any one, because they’re just fear they’ll be rejected or thought of as, too full on or whatever. 

[00:20:45] So ideally consent should empower you. And, the thought of asking someone to play or engage can be terrifying, but find your place that’s going to empower you, empower the person that you’re asking to for them to have sort of choice.

[00:21:01] So. If you’re too demanding or too coercive then that could be very off putting for someone if they don’t have choice, just to say, no, I don’t want that. But how about, you know, I’d be open to trying this. So there’s no easy answer how to approach someone. I would say definitely don’t wait until you’re legless or super drunk.

[00:21:19] I wouldn’t recommend getting super drunk or high at a party because usually sexual functions don’t work as well.

[00:21:28] It is different for different people. Sometimes you see people super confident, just sliding and rolling over, and all of a sudden they’re into a whole nother orgy and that’s, you know, it’s just so easy for them. 

[00:21:37] It’s really reading body language. It’s really listening to how a person is responding you. If you are engaging with them or talking with them. It’s a pressurized situation also, you know, you’re putting pressure on yourself, you’re at a sex party. You want to have sex maybe. But not load in expectation or be forceful on anyone that you’re approaching.

[00:21:58] Chief: Hmm. Yeah. And you may, you may go to a party and just. You, you just don’t have, you don’t have sex. I’ve been to plenty of parties where I don’t engage with anyone either, because maybe there was no one I liked, but sometimes there are people I like, I just, maybe they weren’t interested in me or we just didn’t get the right moment.

[00:22:21] Jessica: Even when we do our sort of warm up activities. Like it doesn’t mean that you’re going to feel a connection with everyone it’s, you know, it’s either there or it isn’t. And sometimes it might be me there just on a certain element with one person just in a moment. And that doesn’t necessarily mean there’ll be there two hours.

[00:22:40] Chief: Yeah. One thing I’ve found was that. It’s it’s almost okay to be more direct because you are in that environment. And it’s not like when you go to a bar and you’re going up to approach someone and you, you have to start the conversation and then, you know, both people know why you’re talking to each other, but you have to play along like you don’t, whereas at a party you can be more direct, and ask for what you want.

[00:23:08] But absolutely, like you said, And if they say no, that’s it like, leave it. Just because you’re at a sex party does not mean anyone else owes you sex by any means. So you can be direct, but just expect to be told no, occasionally as well. 

[00:23:26] Jessica: Yeah, absolutely. And sometimes that no has nothing to do with you. One of our rules at Pleasure Island is that if someone has said a No to you, then just accept it and, you know, move on. No one owes you an explanation or a reason. It’s just a no in that moment and it may have nothing to do with you.

[00:23:42] And we also say just because it’s safe to assume that everyone goes to Pleasure Island for a sensual vibe. What that sensual vibe practically looks like for everyone is not necessarily the same. Keep that in mind, as well as some people’s versions of sex are very, very different.

[00:24:00] That’s the fun of it, but yeah, when you’re at a party where sex is happening, you can be a bit more direct and honest almost rather than at bars where probably everyone wish it turned out to a sex party, but they just have to do a lot of stuff before it actually could get to that. 

[00:24:17] Chief: I don’t know if you find the same, but after my first sex party, it was, it was very weird like going back to a normal night out. It would just be so tame. It would, I just know it was almost like a buzz. It was like a high of, of experiencing that for the first time. And it’s still one of my most memorable nights I’ve had in my life my first party actually.

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[00:24:37] Jessica: Yeah, definitely. I mean, I’ve had some girls tell me afterwards, they said, well, that was a lot better than sort of grinding half legless in the bars in Shoreditch and still not getting a good lay. So yeah, it’s different for everyone.

What makes Pleasure Island sex parties unique?

[00:25:00] Chief: I’d like to talk a bit more about your specific parties. Because one of the things that I particularly enjoyed was the sensuality warmup exercises , because as you mentioned, right at the start, you get these, these big parties, like, um, Torture Garden, which have thousands of people.

[00:25:17] And it is like a bar, you’re back to that whole having to approach someone and, and sort of, I guess, chat them up. And then it may, or may not lead to something. And I’ve been just a smaller parties where everyone, as you say is clothed and it takes until 1:00 AM and people end up having sex, but not really interacting with any other couples.

[00:25:37] And the vibe at yours was was totally different because of, I guess, cause it was a smaller number of people, but also the warm-up exercises that you do.

[00:25:47] Jessica: The basic format of the party is that you arrive within a half an hour timeframe.

[00:25:53] So you don’t arrive over three hours. So the first one gets there and has to wait, you know, ages. So you arrive within a half hour timeframe. So between 8:00 and 8:30, you take off your shoes and you get down to your lingerie or sexy robe or whatever makes you feel comfortable and sexy. Straightaway.

[00:26:13] Then I do a little welcome circle. We’ll talk about, you know, the rules, the room, the layout of the room, where to find things, where to find, you know, condoms, there’s a fire exit, all that sort of housekeeping stuff. And then I just get people just to be a little bit grounded. So the exercises that I wanted to do, the introduction I wanted to do with pleasure and then was, I didn’t want to make it too woowoo, too hippy too like, like a workshop workshop. But I didn’t want to make it too. Sort of like, um, funny or cabaret. I wanted people somehow any type of person to be able to just chill out, take a second, you know, cause getting to a party can be, you know, you’re getting dressed, you’ve got traffic, ubers. You’ve maybe had a bit of Prosecco. There’s a lot of anticipation, excitement. So lots of. Lots of stuff, which is fun and exciting, but I wanted people just to take a little second, just to breathe, just to think about why they were there and. You know, not go as so far just to really set an intention, but just to have a think about what they may want to explore over the next few hours with a particular set of lovely people, you know, 20 to 30 people.

[00:27:26] And from there I wanted people, you know how to start a party that flows naturally. Um, rather than you do a thing and then it’s like, okay, well now who’s going to start. You’re just not gonna check a whole lot of condoms in the middle of the room and just go for it. So I want it to happen organically, sensually, and for people to be able to not just to feel comfortable in their bodies and, and explore, touch that doesn’t have any expectation on it to go any where in that particular moment.

[00:27:58] And because my background is sensual massage I find that the best way to get out of our heads and into our bodies. So we do a guided touch tour where rather than saying, hi, my name is Jessica. And have you been here before? Have you done this often? Or, how was the tube ride here? You know, all that normal shit. I wanted people to say, how would, how would your hands say hello to this pair of hands?

[00:28:23] Little sort of fun, easy things like that. And progressively getting a little bit more sensual, but always having full autonomy and choice. So if you’re not particularly feeling that vibe, then you can just tap out or it’s only sort of 20 seconds per interaction. So it’s just a little flavor, a little taste, you know, rather than going around and high-fiving or handshaking everyone. 

[00:28:43] You’re just getting into a vibe without talking and so beautiful music, and then I’m guiding it so you don’t have to initiate. And then we get people into small little groups where everyone can have the opportunity, if they want to, to receive a bit of multi-handed massage. They can ask for what they want and their little group can give it to them for about again a minute or so.

[00:29:04] And then everyone gets a chance to do that. So that by the time we’ve done all that, people are super relaxed. Some more clothes may have come off different combos have had different  vibes or connections going on. There’s just a bit more connection with the sensuality of the room.

[00:29:21] So then it’s a free flow from there. The whole point of the exercise is that just to not slow things down to chill you out and you know, mong out or, or rollover and it be too boring. It’s more just to give yourself a chance to, to feel rather than speed up or drink loads and then chat loads .

[00:29:43] So it’s, it’s not for everyone. Some people it’s too intimate for them, but some people they prefer a loud houseparty with lots of alcohol and flirting and chatting first and then have sex later in someone else’s bedroom or the toilet or something. Whereas we like, there’s no pressure to have sex or to have massage or to touch, but generally it’s easier to flow or, or know where you want to flow from after you’ve connected a bit more with touch exercises. So that’s, that’s how it works. 

[00:30:14] Chief: Yeah. And I think that the touch exercises is so powerful because at the end of it, you’ve met everyone in the room. You get to go around and meet them. But without saying anything, it’s just through your touch and if there’s someone you don’t particularly fancy, that’s all right, because you’re still making that human connection with them which is nice to have. And then when you do meet someone that you do fancy, you get that spark and you get that flirtatiousness, but without having to use your words, it can just be the way you look at them, or the way your hands are touching their hands. I felt it was like a bit of a barometer. I could tell who I fancied and who fancied me so that later on in the night, it just made that introduction easier.

[00:30:57] I could go up to them and we’d, we’d have that moment in common to talk about and start interacting from that point. 

[00:31:05] Jessica: Yeah, it gives you a real reference, like a tangible reference point in which to like go from rather than those sort of classic have you been here before is this, which is also the fine questions, the normal questions, but they are normal questions and talking at Pleasure Island, isn’t a bad thing.

[00:31:25] We don’t ban talking, but we don’t encourage great political debates while people are having beautiful, sexy time around you do that at the bar or somewhere. So we sort of, yeah, really the focus is sensual connection and like I said before, you can’t, you can’t force that and you may get it on different levels with different people, but it’s the human connection that doesn’t have to go anywhere.

How do Pleasure Island sex parties normally progress?

[00:31:49] Most people are fully oxytocined up and blissed out by the time we finish, which is also quite early. Our finishing time is about one, 1:30 and people are done by then. We’ve got this sort of first wave where newbies this might be the experience seeing people have sex in a room for the first time, or it might be their first experience going to a party together. And there’s a bit of nervous energy or people might be a bit more tentative exploring and playing. 

[00:32:18] And then usually once that first wave is done then all the nerves are gone. People are a lot more relaxed. They’re walking around naked. It’s a beautiful site. And then they’ve got a bit more confidence in which to maybe approach that person who they had that little connection with at the beginning and to seek out those connections a bit more.

[00:32:35] So then we have that second wave. And then when people finally know that, Oh, actually it’s almost home time, almost finishing time, then there’s this rush to the finish line, which usually ends in a big cuddle puddle. So yeah, it’s just a yummy thing that can happen. 

[00:32:52]Like I said our type of party is not for everyone and even if it does sound like it might be for you, it’s not necessarily may happen that way for you. 

What advice would you give anyone thinking about attending a sex party?

[00:32:59] I think the best advice I would give would be to have as little expectation as possible. To do your research on what type of party that you would like to explore, whether you love getting dressed up and like latex and all sorts of stuff there’s definitely types of parties out there for you, or whether you want to do a lot more of the warming up type exercises, maybe you want to do tantric breathing and eye gazing and all sorts of things, then there’s those sort of parties for you as well. So I think the beauty is that there’s a whole playground out there for you to explore.

[00:33:39] All of them are going to have different aspects that may or may suit you as a person or you as a couple or you as a thruple or whole polyamorous play gang. Have fun within your own boundaries.

[00:33:54] Other practical tips would be, you know, take your own sex kit wherever you go. Don’t expect people provide condoms. Lots of places don’t we do, but lots of places don’t provide condoms. They don’t provide lube or cleaning up the facilities. So, I always recommend people to take their own brand off sexual health stuff that they need. Wipes, hand sanitizer, dental terms, condoms, lube, vibrators, toys, feathers, mints, all that sort of stuff.

[00:34:24] Another piece of advice before any sex party we did have, we did have a newbie couple that was so, so excited about coming.  They came to our, our sex party talk which we usually have once a year called everything you want to know about sex parties, but couldn’t ask. 

[00:34:41] And they came to it. They finally decided they wanted to come to a sex party. They did the thing got already, they went out for a beautiful meal before, had oysters and arrived at Pleasure Island and about half an hour into it, um, those oysters also also arrived. So this may be sexy, but stick to strawberries before any big night out, like that. 

[00:35:07] Chief: Don’t have a massive meal either.

[00:35:11] Jessica: Yeah. Take little Energizer snacks. We always provide sweets, snacks and fruits and things. But some parties don’t. Don’t arrive wasted, because that’s not fun for anyone. Go slow. Take your, take your time when you arrive at somewhere. If you are feeling nervous or that it’s your first time or you’re shy, usually there will be at least a third of the people in the party, the same as you and everyone who is there or who have gone to lots of sales parties will remember their first time as well. And being the newbie can be fun and sexy as well.

[00:35:45] Chief: Yeah. And you don’t even have to interact with anyone. You know, you can just, you could just watch if you’re feeling nervous and, um, that’s fine too. 

[00:35:55] Jessica: You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to. Everything should be a choice, you should be able to leave whenever you want to. You’re not going to get trapped there. Keeping everything as a choice is really important. 

[00:36:08] Chief: Great. Where can people find out more if they’ve been intrigued and want to find out more about your parties? Where should they go? 

[00:36:15] Jessica: Yeah. So our website is That has a registration page where you just input your details and then get back in touch with you. Just have a quick friendly phone chat. It also has the event dates. Right now we’re not putting party dates until we get the complete all clear from the government. But right now we have online sensual, massage and genital massage masterclasses.

[00:36:44] So for people who are a bit nervous about getting back into the scene or getting back interacting, they can learn in the safety of their own home. What we do pussy massage, penis massage, all the massage. And that can just give you another added skill if you want to take to a party when you eventually get out there in the wild.

[00:37:02] If you register then you will get an email. You will get the regular newsletter with dates. 

[00:37:08] Chief: Great. And I think the moral of the story is if you’ve ever been intrigued by a sex party, I mean I’m biased, but you should definitely go. There’s loads out there. There will be one out there that is suitable for your dynamic and the kind of thing you want to try. So give it a go.

[00:37:27] So yeah, highly recommended. 

[00:37:30] So, Jessica, thank you so much for joining us today. It’s been very insightful to hear your thoughts and been great having you on the, on the show. 

[00:37:39] Jessica: My pleasure. Thank you for having me.

The Art of Submission. A course for beginner submissives
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