If there’s one tip I could give anyone in a relationship it would be to communicate more.
I’m sure you’ve heard that a thousand times.
What’s the big deal with communication anyway?
Communication is everything in a Dom/sub relationship because the sex is more intense and rough than vanilla sex.
These activities are far more mentally and physically demanding on the submissive than regular sex.
Even if your style of dominance is one of a Romantic Dominant, and you run BDSM scenes that don’t involve hard impact play (learn the five big themes of BDSM scenes), your sub is still being taken on a mental journey – one which alters her mental state.
She’s taken from a natural mental set point (what I refer to as the Submissive Mental Scale) to a place of deep submission and subspace. You might not get her to a ten, but any sex involving elements of dominance and submission is going to leave her in a different headspace to when the scene started.
Communication is therefore vital for two reasons:
- To ensure she is mentally and physically okay immediately after a BDSM scene.
- To get feedback on the scene and activities in it so the next sex session is improved.
Let’s look at both of these in more detail.
Communicating for an immediate health check during aftercare
After sex your sub will be in a different headspace, and may have just experience more intensity during sex than she is used to.
You should always perform a brief check-in during aftercare (the period of time immediately following the climax of s scene in which the Dominant is there to support and ground his submissive).
This is a simple “Are you okay?”.
Here are some tips for doing this well:
- Don’t seek validation. Don’t use this as an opportunity to ask her how amazing you are as a Dom. You are checking on her mental and physical well-being, not boosting your ego.
- Do be aware of subspace. Post sex she may be in subspace, the depth of which depends upon the intensity of the scene. She may be incoherent, relaxed, eyes closed, unable to speak. This is nothing to worry about, but don’t do anything to pull her out of it fast – let her enjoy the sensations.
- Do keep your question brief. Don’t have a conversation. A simple closed-ended question with a yes/no answer is sufficient.
- Do remember non-verbal communication. Look for how her body is communicating, not only what she is saying. If she rolls away from you in bed or is against you touching her, you probably messed up. If she cuddles up to you and snuggles her head onto your chest, she’s all good.
- Don’t be surprised by strong emotional release or tears. Dominant sex does weird things to a sub’s physiology and can cause large releases of built-up emotion to be released post-sex. In my experience tears and sobbing are common. She’s not upset or mad at you, she’s just been through an intense process. Tears post scene are part of the journey. Be there for her at this moment, hold her tight, and allow her body and mind to reset. This is the primary purpose of aftercare.
Communicating to improve sex long term
The other reason for good communication is to get feedback on the sex, and understand what the experience was like for your submissive.
Getting this feedback is important because it:
- Gives you the confidence as a Dominant you are creating positive feelings of submission and arousal for your sub.
- Re-checks for consent by asking if she’d be happy to do the activities again.
- Helps you understand what activities work well at creating arousal and submission.
- Identifies areas you need to improve.
- Helps you establish a set point for more intense activities. For example, understanding where her pain threshold is.
I find feedback invaluable.
I need it in particular after a BDSM scene involving hard impact play. As a Romantic Dominant I keep the use of pain to a minimum, and only really use it as a way to put my sub into subspace, not because it turns me on.
If I’ve flogged or spanked her hard, and her ass is all red, I need to know that she enjoyed it, wants to do it again, and that the level of pain was appropriate.
As a beginner Dominant who might be struggling with the concept of why a woman would want to be submissive or a submissive who wants her boyfriend to be more dominant in bed, it’s always re-assuring to hear controlled dominance and being forced into a submissive role is pleasurable for the sub.
8 tips for talking about sex like an expert
Here are my top tips for better communication about sex in a Dom/sub relationship.
1. Ask open-ended questions
Encourage discussion with open-ended questions. An open-ended question cannot be answered with one word or yes/no.
Open ended questions start with How, Why and What rather than Did or Can.
For example, rather than asking “Did you enjoy the sex?” ask “What did you enjoy about the sex?”.
Most questions can be rephrased to make them open-ended.
These types of question are important because they give the submissive the opportunity to talk about a topic the Dominant may not have even considered.
If I ask “Did you enjoy being spanked” and she says “Yes” I have learned nothing new.
If I ask “How did being spanked feel?” and she says “I really enjoyed it. However there was one point where your hand was too low and you struck my thigh rather than my ass. It really hurt.” I now have useful information.
Not only does this feedback let me improve my technique but I can ask follow up questions to understand more.
Open ended questions are incredibly powerful so use them.
2. Don’t judge
When you ask for feedback you mustn’t judge the response or react negatively.
Perhaps you love anal sex and tried it for the first time with a new partner.
She lets you know she didn’t enjoy it all that much. This is not the time to try and convince her about the merits of anal play, or become annoyed she isn’t in to it.
Likewise if she suggests you try an activity or shares a fantasy you aren’t in to, be open minded and listen. Just because you don’t want to try it doesn’t mean you can’t have an interesting conversation with her about it.
3. Drop the Dom sub dynamic
When communicating about sex I recommend you drop the power play. You should come to the table with equal power, freely able to discuss whatever is on your mind.
Remaining in your Dom/sub roles means she will want to please you, and may give answers she thinks you want to hear, not honest ones.
Use silence and pauses effectively.
People often pause after a sentence to gather their thoughts before continuing.
Interrupting this process or cutting them off means you miss key nuggets of gold.
Pausing also allows your partner to change the topic or ask you a question.
5. The less experienced you are, the more you should communicate
If you are new to the Dom sub lifestyle and kinky sex then communication is even more essential, especially after sex.
Many people are not comfortable talking about sex at length. As a Dominant or submissive you MUST develop this skill.
Once you get chatting about sex you’ll realise there’s nothing to it. It’ll become completely natural and you’ll wonder why everyone else is so upright about it!
Sex is a natural part of life. There’s no shame in talking about it and you should in no way feel guilty.
And in a Dom sub relationship, because the stakes are higher due to the sex being rougher and more intense, you have to become comfortable talking about sex at a much deeper level than vanilla couples.
This is even more true if you want to experiment with threesomes, engage in more taboo activities such as consensual non-consent and rope bondage, or attend play parties where feelings of jealousy may arise and boundary setting is crucial.
6. React positively to negative feedback
Being told we suck as something isn’t nice. It stings a little. But that’s okay. Learn to appreciate you partner giving you feedback. It’ll only make you a better lover in the long run.
7. Have the conversation in a neutral setting
Save your discussions about sex for a location you don’t have it. Create space between your sex session and when you talk about it by waiting hours or days, and picking a different location.
You don’t want to associate feelings of arousal or sexual play with talking about sex. Keeping the two things separate will allow you to have more authentic conversations.
8. Consider using a sex menu
Filling it in together is a fun activity and helps foster great communication.
There are two important uses of communication to improve sex in Dom sub relationships:
- During aftercare to check on her mental and physical well-being
- At regular intervals in your relationship to re-check for consent, give and get feedback, and explore what to try next
Learning to not be ashamed talking about sex or asking for what you want in bed is crucial, and even more important in D/s because of the intensity of the sex.
As a submissive don’t be afraid of asking for what you want, and be wary of any Dominant who doesn’t listen to you or gets annoyed by you offering suggestions. They are most likely a Fake Dom.
As a Dominant make sure you put the well-being of your sub above your sexual pleasure. There’s great responsibility in being a Dom and you have to uphold your end of the bargain so you are worthy of the gift of her submission.
Continuously work on your communication (these books may help) and you’ll be having the hottest, most orgasmic sex life imaginable, and a thriving Dom/sub relationship.