He’s timid in bed but you want the good stuff. How do you make your boyfriend more dominant in the bedroom, and your relationship in general?
I grew up as the typical polite young man. I didn’t even believe women enjoyed and wanted sex, let alone to be dominated in bed.
So imagine my surprise when a woman I was dating told me she enjoyed being spanked.
The more I dated, the more shocked I was at how many women enjoyed role-playing being out of control, spanked, choked, and thrown around in the bedroom.
I enjoyed it too. But it still felt wrong.
Was I a monster for casting aside equality and bossing a woman around in bed? This didn’t feel…right.
It wasn’t until several years of these experiences, accompanied by plenty of reading articles by submissive women, that it began to click. I finally started to feel comfortable treating my partner in this way.
I was, in fact, respecting her more by fulfilling a broader range of her sexual desires by becoming the dominant boyfriend she so badly wanted.
If you’re reading this article then your probably experiencing a similar burning desire to make your boyfriend more dominant.
He’s loving, kind, caring, all the things you thought you ever wanted.
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Except one thing.
You want him to take charge and do terrible things to you.
But you don’t know how to make him, or you don’t even know if he wants to.
In this guide I’m going to give you some techniques to try, things which I’ve learned, that I wished women had said to me and that women did actually say to me, that helped my integrate the dominate side of my personality with my ‘nice guy’ personality and overcome the hesitations and programming instilled into me by society and my upbringing.
Try these tips out and you’ll find it is possible to make your boyfriend more dominant.
1. Act submissive
There’s no way your boyfriend can be more dominant if you play the alpha female role around the house.
Think of dominance and submission as two opposite poles of a magnet. If you act as dominant one, you are forcing him into the beta male role. If you act more submissive, his hidden dominant personality should begin to expose itself.
- Adopt submissive body language. Come to him for hugs, cuddles, and affection. Ask him to help you with tasks that require strength (yup, I’m talking about the old “Can you open this jar for me?” trick).
- Experiment with submissive positions. Sit at his feet whilst he sits on the sofa watching TV. If you’re fed up of him continuously playing video games, instead of nagging him to spend more time with you, sit beside him and massage his feet silently, or on the floor watching. You need to communicate he is the one in control (even though secretly you using your own power to get what you want too – being submissive doesn’t always being not having any control).
- Do little things for him. Ask him if he needs help with anything. Cook him the occasional meal. Give him a massage.
- Show appreciation. Does your boyfriend know what you appreciate about him? “I love that I can trust you to decide on my behalf”. “I feel safe when I’m around you”. “You make me feel really special”. These affirmations help him understand his more dominant qualities are desirable, and you see him as your protector.
- Read up on what being a submissive means. Although my how to be a good submissive slave guide is based on those wanting a Master/slave BDSM dynamic, reading it may give you some ideas on how to act more submissive.
2. Encourage him to take charge
Give him the opportunity to be the man outside the bedroom, and he may just carry that over into bed.
Your submissiveness from step one will no doubt help, but continue to build his assertiveness and self-belief by asking him for his opinion and deferring decisions to him.
- Trust him. Trust your boyfriend’s decisions when he makes them, even if you don’t 100% agree with him. If you question every decision he makes, he will stop making them, or be scared to put forward his views for fear of getting it wrong in your eyes. For example, he suggests you two go to a Mexican restaurant tonight. Do it! Even if you aren’t a massive fan of Mexican cuisine, think of it as an investment in making your boyfriend more dominant. If you say “I don’t fancy it”, or “But I want Chinese food”, you are chipping away at his confidence and he won’t suggest anything in the future.
- Provide encouragement. If your boyfriend exhibits the dominant behaviours you want, then tell him! Create a positive feedback loop by letting him know what qualities you admire. For example, he pulls your hair lightly whilst kissing you, and you enjoy it. Say “It feels so good when you do that” or “I love it when you pull my hair”. Simple, right?
- Avoid nagging and criticism. Us blokes really don’t like being nagged. It saps our energy and will to live. If you’ve asked him to change the light bulb 5 times already and it hasn’t happened, a 6th time won’t work either. It’s the fastest way to make us feel emasculated and pissed off all at once.
- Say “I’d like you to choose for me”. Use this line as often as you can. He says: “What would you like for dinner tonight?”. You say: “I’d like you to choose for me”. Say it in a smiley, non-confrontational and playful way. Don’t make it seem like you are testing him, and don’t get annoyed if he chooses something you may not have. He got it right because he made a decision on your behalf. If he responds with “But I don’t know what you want”, you repeat the phrase again. “I’d still like you to choose for me”.
Here are some real-world examples to try out.
- Ask him what you should wear. Planning a date night? Ask him what he wants you to wear. If he struggles (most men will as we have no idea what’s in your wardrobe), get creative:
- Ask him to go through your Instagram feed looking for photos he thinks you look sexy in. Then wear that.
- Send him photos of yourself wearing three different outfits and ask him to pick his favourite.
- Ask him to choose your meal. Next time you order a takeaway or order at a restaurant, have him pick what you eat. Remember the golden rules of not making it seem like you are testing him or setting him up to fail.
- Ask him to plan your weekend. Say you want to hang out with him, and are open to doing anything.
- Ask for his advice about a topic. After he’s responded, thank him. No need to debate or argue or say “But that won’t work”, even if its the worst advice you’ve ever heard. Remember the entire point is putting yourself into a situation that allows his dominate personality traits to shine, and to reinforce you trust his opinion.
Doing this will build up your boyfriend’s confidence. He’ll be more sure of himself, which leads to assertiveness, which is one aspect of being dominant. This self-assuredness will spill over into the bedroom when you incorporate the remaining tips.
3. Hint at wanting to be dominated during sex
During sex you have the perfect opportunity to signal your desire to be dominated by him, without directly saying so.
- Kneel for him. There’s something about a woman kneeling, looking up at me that instantly makes me feel more dominant. Rather than giving him a blowjob as he lays on the bed, ask him to stand, then kneel in front of him. I know that by you asking him you are the one in charge, but he will begin to get a sense that you enjoy being the submissive, and hopefully it’ll click that it is okay for him to ask you of his own volition to get on your knees for him.
- Choose submissive sex positions. Put yourself in positions which encourages him to unleash his inner dominant. For example, get on your hands and knees on the bed, look back at him directly in the eye, and say “I want you to fuck me from behind” or “Please just take me”.
- Bend over more. Expose your ass to him often enough and at some point, he may give it a tentative spank. If he doesn’t get the hint, an encouraging “Would you like to spank me? I really want you to”. You can try this out of the bedroom too. Bend over a kitchen table and ask him innocently “Do you think my ass is a good shape for spanking?” with a cheeky smile.
- Buy some BDSM toys. Start simple. A piece of rope is enough. Lead him to the bedroom where you’ve already laid out the rope, and say “I want you to tie me up tonight”. Even if he’s got no clue what he’s doing, remember to provide positive feedback and encouragement.
- Watch Dom/sub porn together. Tell him you want to watch some porn together. Choose a video which showcases the things you want him to do to you. As you watch it, gauge his reaction, and ask him what he thinks. Remember he may not admit to liking it, even if he does because he is worried about offending you. You should take the initiative and signal to him if something in the video really turns you on, either verbally (“That’s really hot. Can we try it?”) or non-verbally (stroke his cock or yourself more vigorously at the appropriate moment).
All of these tips require you to take the initiative and show him you want to act submissive around him. Once he gets that you want to be treated in this way, that it gets you off, he will start to charge and think up his own creative ways to dominate you.
4. Use dirty talk
He may not know your desire to be dominated by him unless you outright tell him.
Dirty talk during sex (or over text) is a great way to gauge his reaction to you acting submissive. Whisper in his ear fantasies which frame your boyfriend as the dominant one.
Try these lines and see what happens:
- “I love it when you pin my down so I can’t move”
- “Pull my hair, hard!”
- “I want you to use me as your personal fucktoy”
- “Make my little pussy yours”
- “I want to be your good girl”
- “Can you tie me to the bed tonight? I want to feel overpowered by you”
- “I want to feel your weight on top of me”
- “I’m yours. Do whatever you want to me”
If you feel too embarrassed to say these in person, try them over text message.
There are many, MANY variations on this theme. My only advice is to take it slowly. If your boyfriend has never acted dominant in his life, you can’t scream out “Fuck my ass and choke me like the little cum slut I am” without scaring him to death.
Know that the Madonna-whore complex is really a thing. Some men are unable to see you as having these two facets to your personality. If you are lumped in the Madonna box as his girlfriend, and you suddenly expose your Whore personality to him, his brain might explode.
Take. It. Slow.
5. Reassure him you WANT him to be more dominant
If your boyfriend was correctly raised to respect all people, there will be a mental block when it comes to dominating you.
You need to let him know that you want (even need) this, and it turns you on.
He’ll be hesitant, wondering if it’s a trap or some sort of test.
But reassure him. Provide positive feedback as he takes the tentative steps to be a more dominant boyfriend to you. Make reassuring noises. Tell him afterwards that you really enjoyed it. Tell him what you want him to do more of.
It doesn’t need to be a big speech. A small “I really loved it when you spanked my ass” or “Pulling my hair made me want you inside me so much”.
Keep it simple and direct. Having you explain what it is about him acting dominant you enjoy will help too.
You might always want to direct him towards this article on why women want to be submissive to help him understand the psychology of dominance and submission.
Summarising how to make your boyfriend more dominant in bed
Making your boyfriend more dominant in bed starts with you, outside the bedroom.
You need to subtly unlock his dominant traits by acting submissive and putting him in situations where he has to act on your behalf in order to build his confidence and assertiveness.
After that, you can have a conversation with him about what you enjoy in bed and why him acting dominant would be a real turn on for you.
Re-assure him that he can still respect you as a person, even if he is being rough with you in bed. Tell him its okay to embrace his shadow sexual self.
Things won’t change overnight. You’re attempted to overcome some patterns of thinking and behaviour which have built up for years.
But small steps lead to big things, and soon you’ll have the dominant boyfriend you always dreamed of.