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If you have a desire to incorporate anal sex into your dom sub relationship then I’m here to help.
Anal sex can be an exciting prospect for a submissive and her dominant. Allowing a partner unfettered access to any part of your body (especially if you are into ‘free use’) is very arousing.
And as a dominant I love knowing that my submissive is ready and willing to let me take her any way I desire in the moment.
But how do you get to this stage?
And what differentiates anal sex in a dom sub relationship compared to a vanilla relationship?
In this article, I’ll discuss anal training as a form of BDSM, rather than simply another guide for a vanilla heterosexual couple exploring anal sex. There are similarities, but the willingness of the submissive to allow her dominant to take the lead can lead to great progress, but also problems if not handled well.
So let’s get straight into some issues I see couples running into.
Before you begin…
Before starting anal sex, you should think about the following points.
Do you both want to explore anal sex?
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As with all aspects of a dom sub relationship, both adults must be willing and eager to explore anal. Being pressured into doing anything by your dominant is NOT how dom sub relationships work.
As mentioned elsewhere, completing a sex menu is an excellent way to check you are both into trying anal sex.
Don’t jump straight into penetration
Don’t attempt to have anal intercourse from the outset. This will lead to pain and an unwillingness to try again.
Instead, your goal should be to progress up the anal training ladder. Start with a finger, progress to butt plugs, then a dildo, and finally a real-life penis.
In a dom sub dynamic, preparing for anal sex can be made exciting by thinking of it as anal training, which is led by the dominant, but may also be undertaken by the submissive alone.
For example, if you are at the butt plug stage, you can wear one around the house on your own. And when you get together with your dominant he can incorporate the butt plug into your regular play.
Read up on the basics
I’m not going to write about the basics of anal sex, such as preparation, mess, safety and general anatomy. I’m assuming you’ve done your research on regular websites, and have already started to explore anal play.
Differences between anal sex and anal training
Anal sex is the practice of stimulating the anus of your partner with your mouth, fingers, toys or your cock. Anal play isn’t uncommon in heterosexual couples, with this study suggesting up to 33% of couples have tried it. Anal sex is definitely not only limited to those practising BDSM.
Anal training is when a power exchange is incorporated into anal play. After both parties have consented to explore anal play, the dominant leads the effort to train his submissive to enjoy anal sex. He may set tasks to get her used to the feeling (such as wearing a butt plug for a period of time) or create BDSM scenes which specifically focus on making her feel at ease, aroused and ready for anal.
In reality, any couple who wants to have anal sex will have to go through some ‘training’ period where they get comfortable with the process, although the power dynamic is equal and no effort is made to explicitly call it out as ‘training’.
With anal training you are going through a similar process, the only difference being the existence of the power dynamic, highlighted with actions, words, and the way in which the training is carried out.
For example, a vanilla couple exploring anal sex would stick to the bedroom and attempt it during a sex session.
A dom and sub couple, however, might create a BDSM scene where the submissive is collared and made to take an all fours position on the floor, potentially restrained. The dominant, remaining clothed, would proceed to tell her she is due for her anal training. The scene might not lead to regular sex, and may only be conducted for the purpose of anal training.
How to incorporate anal sex into your D/s dynamic
Now the fun stuff. How do you incorporate anal play into a dom sub dynamic?
Wearing butt plugs
An obvious power dynamic is the dominant commanding his submissive to wear a butt plug for a period of time. I’ve already talked about the type of butt plugs I like to use for this (silicone ones with a t-shaped base and long stem for comfort). I recommend purchasing a set of three in different sizes so your partner can get used to each one.
I like the idea of my submissive wearing a butt plug because:
- It makes a non-sexual scenario sexual
- It can be a little secret between the two of you when out in public
- It’s good training for working up to full intercourse
- Commands to wear one can be given over text, not just in person
I use the term ‘idle play’ to mean occasions where you are engaged in sexual activity, but in a slow, almost nonchalant way, with only a portion of your focus on your submissive (cockwarming would be an example of idle play, or the scene described in Sofa Plaything).
Here’s an example.
It’s a Friday night and she’s sitting next to you on the sofa (ideally not wearing any underwear because you asked her to remove them earlier). Ask her to lie across your lap and lazily run your fingers between her legs as she relaxes. Part of this exploration should involve running them over her ass, perhaps even slipping a finger inside if you have lube handy.
You are doing this in a casual way, not really attempting to turn her on. Treat it more as a relaxing massage, as you continue to do whatever you were doing before (trawling the internet, watching TV, etc.).
Sometimes I’ll have sex toys handy which I can use on her at the same time, other times it’ll just be my fingers.
Either way, the aim is to train your submissive to associate anal play with enjoyable, relaxed sensations. This will serve you well as you work up the anal training ladder to full anal intercourse.
When tied up
Some submissives enjoy the feeling of being restrained, so that their dominant can do anything to them (with prior consent of course).
A way to make this even more exciting is to incorporate anal play, because 1) she may not have experienced this before, and 2) it feels far more taboo than simply being touched where vanilla partners may have touched her before when tied up.
If you have a set of under bed restraints, tie her up then go down on her. As you do so, side a lubricated finger into her ass for extra sensation. If you have worked your way up to using bigger toys, then a dildo can be used.
Straight up anal training
If you submissive has consented and indicated she is interested in anal, and you have a high level of trust build up, you can do all out and jump into ‘official’ anal training sessions.
These sessions have no other purpose than to prepare her to take you. Have her adopt the position of your choosing (all fours is often best), and then explain to her that you are going to be training her.
To enhance the dom sub dynamic during the training you could collar her, tie her to something, and be clothed whilst she is naked (although none of this is strictly necessary. Remember to customise your anal training to a style which suits your dom sub dynamic).
Then proceed to use fingers and toys on her to get her comfortable with anal play.
A warning (+tips) for all the Doms
Now, Doms, I’ve got a message for you.
You may have read all of the above and though to yourself “Great! I get just tie my sub up and then use whatever toys I want on her for as long as I want!”.
Let me make it absolutely clear, that when you are training your partner anally, you MUST act responsibly.
Anal sex is incredibly painful if done incorrectly.
Your role as a mentor is to push your submissive to go a bit further, take a bit more than last time. But you must correctly judge the level of progression necessary, and what your submissive is able to handle.
Get it wrong, and she won’t trust you any more and will swear off anal sex for life.
Likewise, if you do a good job, you will ignite her passion for anal sex, and it may become a regular part of your sex life.
So here are my top tips for getting speed of progression right.
1. Ask for feedback
Ask her afterwards what she thought of the session. Did she like it? Did she find it challenging or easy? Could she take your finger/toy easily or was it a struggle at first?
All of this information is vital so you can assess her speed of progression, and to gauge if you need to speed up or slow down the training.
2. Watch for body language during the session
If she is tensing up it’s probably a sign you need to back off, and you are going faster than you should. As a dominant, master the art of non-verbal (and verbal) communication so you can detect if your submissive is not comfortable with something you are doing (or is LOVING what you are doing!)
3. Two steps forward, one step back
When performing anal training over the course of weeks and months, don’t continue directly where you left in a previous session.
For example, in your last session, your submissive was comfortable with one index finger inside her. For your next session, don’t immediately start with that. You need to take a step back and work up to where you were before progressive.
So start with touch, then your little finger, then the index finger, and THEN progress to the next level (which might be two fingers in this case).
4. Progress isn’t linear
Progress in life is never linear. If you weight train at the gym you can’t expect to add more pounds onto the bar every time you go. Sometimes your body will be run down, and you can only lift 80% of what you did before.
Accept that, and work with it. It won’t harm your progress in the long run. What will stop you reaching your goal is pushing yourself or your submissive further than they are able to handle in that moment, even if you know they were able to take it before.
As an example, let’s say your submissive is able to wear a large butt plug for an hour no problem. Then one day you ask her to wear it and for whatever reason it isn’t sitting comfortably or she is struggling.
Don’t force it (no pun intended).
Simply chalk that day up to a ‘rest day’ and come at it again in another session (heading the advice above about taking a step back when you resume).
You are still making progress, and you should not punish your sub. This should be viewed as progress, not a failure.
5. Give it a go yourself
Oh boy, I bet you weren’t expecting this one, were you? Guys, anal play isn’t just for your submissive. Give it a go and you might be surprised how pleasurable it is.
More importantly, it will be you a sense of what you are asking your submissive to do for you, and make you more empathetic.
Anal play in any relationship is fun. But in a BDSM dom sub relationship it can be made even more fun when you look at it through the lens of a dominant ‘training’ his submissive to enjoy anal sex for both of their pleasure.
- If you’re a caregiver type Dom, it’s a chance to connect and nurture your submissive, helping her overcome the unknown, and challenging herself.
- If you’re a sadist Dom, it’s a chance to have your submissive experience some humiliation at being treated like an object and trained to take you, or even to experience a mild amount of pain (yes, painal is a thing, although I don’t recommend this approach – seems risky to me).
If this article has piqued your interest, do read my 10 step guide to anal training for more details on the anal training ladder I personally use.
Stay safe, keep communicating, and enjoy a wonderfully kinky sex life.