Conversations with a Dom: Ep 5 – How to Introduce Kink and D/s Power Play Into Your Relationship

Conversations with a Dom

In this episode of Conversations with a Dom, Moineau and I discuss how to introduce kink and D/s (Dominance and submission) into your relationship for beginners.

Click play below to listen to the episode.

Contents

  • Introduction [00:00:42]
  • Common challenges when discussing kink with your partner [00:01:40]
  • Techniques to overcome nervousness, shame, and improve communication in D/s dynamics [00:07:33]
  • Using sex menus [00:08:03]
  • Sharing porn and erotic fiction [00:12:10]
  • Establishing a judgment free zone [00:15:15]
  • Making compromises [00:18:12]
  • 3 questions to asks your partner [00:20:29]
  • Getting rid of expectations and setting time limits [00:22:13]
  • Tips specifically for Dom/sub dynamics [00:24:17]
  • Common issues beginner Doms and subs encounter when starting out [00:29:38]
  • Wrapping up [00:31:48]

Transcript

[00:00:19] Chief: Hello, and welcome to another episode of conversations with the Dom, with me, chief. And today I’m joined by Moineau for those who do not know Moineau and I are in a D/s relationship. So I’m the Dom, Moineau is a sub and Moineau obviously gives some very good female perspective and sub perspective that I wouldn’t have as a Dom and as a man.

What we’ll be talking about today

[00:00:42] Chief: Today, the subject is about introducing kink into your relationship. We’re going to give you some tips on how to do this. Some common challenges you may encounter. Hopefully it’d be very useful for all you beginners out there who are interested in kink, interested in D/s, but have got no real idea how to get started.

[00:01:05] Now for this episode, we were assuming you are in relationship with someone and you have both already established that you are somewhat kinky and want to experiment, but don’t know where to begin. This episode is not really about how to bring up kink to your partner if you’ve never spoken about it before.

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Sensational Scenes

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[00:01:23] Moineau: I would argue that it’s also for someone who it’s like, it might just be only the slightest little hint of kink.

[00:01:29] You might have read something when you were just starting dating on their profile that suggested that they might have a kinky side and your, it’s just starting to experiment with that. 

What challenges are there when discussing kink with your partner?

[00:01:40] Chief: The first thing is, what are the challenges that we often see when you’re trying to talk about kink with your partner?

[00:01:47] Moineau: Some of the challenges are definitely feeling nervous that you have some sort of expectation of how to act or behave in this new kinky dynamic that you’re bringing to the relationship. And also I think judgment is a big factor as well. Feeling like you’re going to get kink shamed by your partner, or maybe they’re going to think that you’re really weird.

[00:02:10] Chief: It’s being vulnerable. Potentially you’re going to be saying things that they’re not interested in or that they’re gonna look at you a different way because of what you’re saying.

[00:02:18] And obviously we all fear rejection and we don’t want them to suddenly turn around and go, Hey that’s so weird. I don’t want to see you again.

[00:02:26] Moineau: Yeah. Also I do think that in the BDSM community have the phrase. Don’t yuck. Someone’s yum. And I think that is something good to keep in mind when you’re talking to someone about kink, even within an already established relationship, that people are allowed to be into different things. And even if it’s something that might sound bizarre to us at the beginning obviously people do have diverse ranges of kinks.

[00:02:57] Chief: It’s really useful to. Get good at listening to someone without judging them, because you will get situations where, as Moineau said, someone says something and you’re like, that’s totally not what I’m into. I’m totally not what I’m into, but you can still, if you still appreciate them as a person, you can still listen to their views and understand why they may be into that thing.

[00:03:25] If you figure out what it is about that certain kink that they. And you’re totally not into it. You can potentially come to a compromise by finding it in another way. For example, most people aren’t into water sports it’s relatively niche, but it may be the turn on of being humiliated.

[00:03:41] That is the turn on for that person. And therefore, as a, as the partner, you may say, Hey, I know I’m not into that, but what other ways could we help you experience that feeling of humiliation and therefore be the turn on that we would both enjoy and you find alternatives, but yeah, being able to listen to someone and not make a squeamish faces, or, or look at them in, in shock when they tell you something, they, they’re being vulnerable to you.

[00:04:10] So take that be kind to them just as you would expect them to be kind to you, if you were about to admit something, which is a bit, you know about that. 

[00:04:20] So what other things, what other challenges do you see or think about when you’re trying to talk with your partner about kinks?

[00:04:28] Moineau: I still struggle with feeling quite shameful about my desires as a submissive and also as someone who grew up in a very sexually repressed upbringing. I still really struggled to say what I’m into or if I’m enjoying something it’s a big challenge to overcome.

[00:04:50] So I think that’s a big one. Yeah. I’m not sure about Dominants, but I feel like several submissives could probably agree with that.

[00:04:59] Chief: Oh yeah. I definitely don’t think this is just a sub thing at all. I have the same thing. I was brought up to be very respectful to everyone. And so when you’re in a Dom role and your taking from someone or you’re being forceful with them, that goes against everything that has been programmed into my head as I was being brought up.

[00:05:19] And yeah, that can be a challenge. It can be a challenge and it really helps when the submissive is open with you and says, is very vocal that she enjoys that and it almost gives you permission to do it. 

[00:05:34] Moineau: That’s one of my biggest challenges is being vocal about it though, like actually saying it, I actually think writing in those sorts of instances is easier. Sometimes it’s easier to text you after we’ve done something and really be able to say what I thought about it then in, face to face, having to be like, yes, I really enjoyed when you did X, Y, Z to my body. And that seems really like under the microscope.

[00:06:02] Chief: I definitely agree with the texting. Even I find it easier, like saying to someone. Face-to-face I know I really liked the bend you over and fucked your ass like that. That’s, it’s not an easy thing to say, but to type that over texts sexting is very easy. So if you do, if you are a bit nervous then we’ll talk about communication in a bit, but yeah, definitely.

[00:06:22] You don’t have vocalize it with words you can vocalize it with. Well, is that vocalization if you write it down, I dunno, but yes, you can write it down or find a method that works for you to communicate with your partner about how much you liked a certain thing they did, or how much you like doing a certain thing to them, because that will help train your brain, that it’s okay. And that you have consent to do it. Otherwise you’re always going to be a little bit nervous about doing something and worrying that you’re hurting them or they’re not enjoying it.

[00:06:56] Moineau: But it’s definitely something that gets easier over time, to be able to be more vocally communicative, especially with. Not just I enjoyed it, but what I want to do, like that one as well it’s still hard for me to be like, I want to suck your cock. I say it. But when I say I feel like I’m scrunching down as a person. 

[00:07:18] Chief: It’s funny, because it’s such a turn-on for me when you say it. And Yeah, it’s just a real turn off for me. So hopefully me saying that’s a real turn-on will make you feel more comfortable about saying it, but it can still be a challenge to talk about sex in today’s society.

Techniques to overcome nervousness, shame, and improve communication in D/s dynamics

[00:07:33] Chief: Okay. So we’ve got a few challenges there. Feeling nervous, feeling like you’re going to be judged, feeling a bit of shame.

[00:07:41] Let’s talk about some ways we can help people overcome this. Some of the things we’ve maybe tried or heard that other people have tried that worked well. Have you got any suggestions. 

[00:07:52] Moineau: I really think that communication is number one, but trying to communicate is the challenge, so it’s like, how can you overcome that barrier?

Using sex menus

[00:08:03] Moineau: And I think anything that can lessen. That can help you communicate. More easily is definitely beneficial. So a sex menu is, I think it’s extremely important, especially at the beginning when you’re just starting out something to get a sense of people’s kinks it’s a good way to, to talk about what you’re potentially into without having this pressure that you then have to go into that right away. 

[00:08:35] Chief: Um, and just for anyone who doesn’t know a sex menu, it’s a, essentially a spreadsheet where you’ve got lots of sexual activities listed out and you rank them on a scale from hard limit to, yes, I must absolutely have that.

[00:08:52] If you’re looking for one, you can find one at kinkyevents.co.uk. I think it’s forward slash sex hyphen menu. But if you go onto the website and search, you’ll be able to find a sex menu, which has, I think it’s got about 350 items on it takes about a week though. It doesn’t take a week. It takes about an hour to fill in. 

[00:09:10] Moineau: Especially, when I was first reading, I didn’t actually know what it was, so then you have to go on a Google search. You have to be like, what does this mean? And then when you’re told, you’re like, oh, oh, I see. And sometimes it’s oh, I’m really into that. And then other times it’s like, oh, that sounds scary. 

[00:09:28] I’ve been thinking that I want to take another look at my sex menu and perhaps re-evaluate. Because I’m sure that some of my soft limits or some of the things that I’ve said that I’m less into, I might be more into now that we’ve established that trust.

[00:09:46] Chief: I’ve just opened up mine here I’m just having a look at, because I filled in, this is March, 2020 I filled in, so I’m just going to read off a few of them. So the first section is affection. So you’ve got things like aftercare, bath, time, bed sharing, cuddles, public displays of affection.

[00:10:00] And I put those all as a five, which is, I want this. So the scale I have on my menu is a hard limit. One is a soft limit. Two is a, if I must three as the let’s try it for as a yes, please. Five is, I want this and six is a fetish need. Absolutely. Have to have that. And then it goes into, we’ve got a section on anal play.

[00:10:20] We’ve got appearance clothing, which has things like corsets collars, cross dressing, dressing up to please Dom, fur, hairy genitals, latex, leather, lingerie. There’s so much. And if you do happen to download a copy and you have something that you really enjoy, that’s not on here please do email me at chief@kinkyevents.co.uk cause I like to keep this updated and add as much as I can on here. 

[00:10:45] Moineau: Is cock warming on there because that’s like my favorite activity of all time. And I it’s so niche that I think that it might not be on there.

[00:10:55] Chief: It’s not, I’m sure we have a cock sucking, which is not. Do you want to get it? How would you explain cock warming to the uninitiated?

[00:11:05] Moineau: As a whole other topic? Because I seriously, really could cause my mouth’s already salivating. Yeah. 

[00:11:13] Chief: Pavlovian there. You’ve been conditioned and conditioned. Which is great for me. 

[00:11:19] Moineau: That’s good. Cause I think it’s a bit like, oh, I love it. 

[00:11:22] Chief: good. Sorry. But if you guys, any guys listening to this and you’ve got a partner who loves sucking your cock at any time, they are not going to not want that. That is the dream. 

[00:11:36] Moineau: I get embarrassed about it though, because if we’re just sitting and watching TV and I’m like, I want to be sucking your cock right now. 

[00:11:43] Anyway, cock warming is basically keeping your cock in my mouth without necessarily the intention to turn it into oral sex. It’s just having something in my mouth to play with. And it’s actually very soothing, relaxing. It’s relaxing, but it does also turn me on at the same time.

[00:12:02] It’s good. I highly recommend to anyone who hasn’t done cock warming to give it a try. 10 out of 10 would recommend. 

Sharing porn and erotic fiction

[00:12:10] Chief: All right. So we’ve got one exercise, there, which is the sex menu. Any other tips that you can share of how we get over this, nervousness, shame, judgment, and better communicate with our partners about what we’re into. 

[00:12:25] Moineau: Okay. I know that we did this before, where we showed each other, a porn that we were, that we enjoyed, and then you have to explain, why you found it a turn on. Sometimes it’s difficult to see why someone’s into porn. It feels really commercialized a lot of the time. But then if you then explain, what’s turning you on about it. What excites you then it makes me more intrigued and invested in it, that I’m like okay.

[00:12:58] Like I can see how he likes that specific situation and how the energy is or how they’ve done some position. I do think that we genuinely share it with each other to, to get the other person excited into whatever it is that we’re watching.

[00:13:18] Which is why it’s useful in this sort of sense to get over that sort of nervousness or judgment that you may feel at the beginning. If you’re just starting out with the, with someone else it’s actually quite useful too share that and explain why.

[00:13:31] And that helps the person just get an insight into what it is that you actually like. And you can. Also con conversely, what you don’t like, you’re like, okay, I like this is porn scene, but I actually really hate when they do this.

[00:13:45] Chief: And it doesn’t have to be necessarily videos. I like share images quite a lot with you. I certainly, I think we used to quite a bit on WhatsApp. Black and white arty porn. 

[00:13:57] Of course, do not send the pornographic image to a person that you’ve not has not consented to receive it. So I’m talking, this is not after a first date.

[00:14:06] Consent underpins all of this, right? So we are comfortable sharing images with each other, which is why we can do it. But once you have that, you can always share an image and say, what do you think of this? If it’s something that you haven’t tried before, should we try. Can we 

[00:14:20] Moineau: recreate this position?

[00:14:22] Chief: Yeah. Yeah. How flexibility can you get your head over your head? And as you said, it can be erotic fiction as well. 

[00:14:30] Moineau: Yeah, that’s my specialty. I’m quite the bookworm and that’s actually how I got into kink was through erotica.

[00:14:39] Chief: Yeah. And all of this as well. It goes back to already a point when you’re sharing it, receive it with an open mind. Don’t get offended with them for liking that, because then you’re shutting them down and they’re going to be less open to sharing things with you in the future. 

[00:14:56] Moineau: Vulnerable. It’s still vulnerable even to share something that, someone else has created that you enjoy. And to send that to your partner and be like, Hey, this is arousing and here’s why. But I do think it’s really helpful, especially in a new dynamic, helping you discover what the other person is into. 

Establishing a judgment free zone

[00:15:15] So yeah, I think that was there’s two tips there.

[00:15:17] Chief: So create a sex menu, share erotic fiction porn imagery that you both like. When you’re doing this, we talked about establishing a judgment free zone. This is really important, especially if you are in a Dom sub relationship, where there is a power dynamic at play there’s judgment, free zone, and where your wanting to share things with your partner drop the dynamic.

[00:15:45] Yeah. That’s important to make sure you’re both equal. Because if you’re in a submissive position, you’re gonna, you already feel potentially. Obligated. Yeah. Obligated to say yes. I would like to try that if the Dom gives you an activity that you want to try. So level the power dynamics before you have these kinds of conversations. 

[00:16:07] Moineau: Do it outside of the bedroom and actually one of the best places to have a conversation like this is when you’re out, on a walk. Psychologically, there’s something where both people are facing forwards it makes them more likely to speak because you’re literally moving forward. So it keeps both people more open and receptive to having conversations. yeah.

[00:16:29] Yeah.

[00:16:29] Chief: I guess it helps us work cause you’re not looking directly at them. So it’s less confrontational. So you can always put something out there and you don’t have to watch the horror in their eyes or the, yeah. You can’t see their reactions, 

[00:16:39] Moineau: but it’s also, it’s less confrontational and it’s a, what do you say?

[00:16:43] It’s neutral. 

[00:16:44] Chief: It’s a neutral, it’s a neutral ground. You’re not like yeah, I mean like the worst time to do this would be before sex. Like when you’re both in bed about to have sex, it’d be terrible. After sex can be all right.

[00:16:56] If you get the mood rights, especially talking about no rights often, cause you probably a bit zoned out, but Yeah. Discussing what you just did. Yes. Yeah. 

[00:17:07] Moineau: Not right after don’t start doing uh, out of 10 points, you got, you gotta eat. Yeah. Yeah. Pillow Pillowtalk is great. But then after pillow talk, after you’ve had that moment where you can consider yourself out of the moment, that’s when you can then be like, okay, what did you actually think?

[00:17:28] Chief: Yeah, and you tend to be quite open because you’re both at a vulnerable place anyway there. But again it’s very much mood dependent. If you’re not very good at reading non-verbal language and you’ve had sex and the person maybe didn’t really enjoy it. And you’re not very good at picking up on that.

[00:17:43] That again would be the worst time to bring. Oh, we should try this next time because the person is still processing what they, whether they liked what you just did. 

[00:17:53] Moineau: You must be feeling a bit defensive. Yeah. 

[00:17:55] Chief: Yeah. So I definitely agree with your point. Do this outside, go and walk or sit on a park bench and have it in a neutral space.

[00:18:02] And then as you get more comfortable and you build up the trust, then you can stop potentially on 

[00:18:07] Moineau: the sofa after you’ve just watched a show. Yeah. Something like that. 

Making compromises

[00:18:12] Moineau: There could be things that you’re like, oh, I’m actually not interested in that. And then you have to compromise within like how necessary is that for you to have a fulfilling D/s dynamic, cause if it’s extremely important, then you might have to consider getting that sort of fulfillment in another way.

[00:18:33] But if it’s something that it could compromise on and be like, okay, it’s actually not a big deal if we don’t do this, I’m perfectly fine leaving it out or just keeping it to my own masturbation, like fantasy. 

[00:18:43] Chief: Yeah. It’s okay to say no, it’s okay to say you’re not interested in something. When we’re talking about being open and nonjudgmental, that does not mean saying yes to your partner at all times, you can say, Hey, that’s not my thing, but I’m really interested to hear more about what it does for you? What about it do you like? 

[00:19:01] Moineau: Actually I think for an exercise that would be helpful when you’re filling out the sex menu you don’t just leave it at that. You then look at each other’s menus. You take a moment and you can either do it one by one. Down the whole list that might take some time. So bring snacks, cause it’s actually quite comprehensive. So did I ever, 

[00:19:20] Chief: didn’t go for nice dinners, take a little printout, your lists. 

[00:19:25] Moineau: Don’t be sitting next to many 

[00:19:27] Chief: people, 

[00:19:29] Moineau: but you can do it one by one and just okay, what score did he prefer? This one. And, but I actually think it’d be nice to be like, what were your top like five, but also where I’m going with this point is to bring up the ones that you really don’t like. It’d be like, Ooh, I w when I read this, it really put me off, and to discuss your hard limits but also then the ones that are you’re questioning, and you’re like, I can only think of two very specific situations where I would find this appealing. I think you could have a more well-rounded conversation if you bring up your limits. 

[00:20:07] Chief: Knowing what they don’t like is almost more important than knowing what they like, because if they told you explicitly, these are the things I will not do, then it’s almost like everything else you can, in a way you can experiment or bring up or at least talk about. But if they’ve absolutely said, no, that’s absolutely a hard limit.

[00:20:24] Never want to discuss that. Or that it’s a massive turnoff, then it just really helps. You’re never going to bring it up. 

3 questions to asks your partner

[00:20:29] Chief: I think it’s really important that once you do try something new you discuss it afterward.

[00:20:35] Just ask your partner, what did they like about it? Did they like it? What didn’t they like? What could you do to improve it? 

[00:20:41] Moineau: We often have those conversations and they’re not very formal or structured at this point, but even now you’ll text me the day after you’d be like, Hey, what did you think about last night then I already know that we’re going to be talking about what we liked, what we didn’t, what we can improve on. It’s actually a pretty good three point conversation. 

[00:21:03] Chief: Be open to feedback as well, which often, I do it. I get defensive about feedback. I think everyone it’s like inbuilt into our psychology to not like when someone is saying things we can improve, but you get over it, it’s really important to be able to hear that. 

[00:21:18] Moineau: It’s important especially when if we start going into impact play or things that can be more harmful to the sub in any sort of sense, I’ve mean like pain, of course, but also it could be one of those psychologically charged moments where if you say a phrase in the moment, perhaps I actually really did like it, or maybe it took me out of things out of the moment a bit.

[00:21:43] I know, like we just got a new flogger. A few weeks ago, and there’s a learning curve to a new flogger because the length is different. The weight is different. It’s a learning curve, but that’s good feedback and I’m not criticized. It’s not like I’m not enjoying what you’re doing to me, but it’s ooh yeah, we need to practice this a bit more for it to be more enjoyable. And so that I’m not feeling like tense in the moment.

[00:22:10] Chief: Let’s do a few more quick tips. 

Getting rid of expectations and setting time limits

[00:22:13] Chief: Try to have no expectations when you’re trying out a new kink. Don’t worry if it doesn’t work out, that’s absolutely fine. You will try things and not like them.

[00:22:21] It’s great to set a time limit on new activities as well. This can help really relieve anxiety. If you say, look, we’re going to do this thing. Neither of us really know if we like it or one person really likes it, the other doesn’t or isn’t sure about it.

[00:22:35] We’re going to just do it for five minutes. And then we’ll have a chat, did we like it or not? Because otherwise, if your partner is getting into something they’re indifferent about the kink, but they know you really enjoy it. So they’re doing it on your behalf.

[00:22:48] They don’t want me there for two hours. They may not know how long you want to do it for. So set that expectation up front, keep it nice and short. Don’t be offended if the partner doesn’t like it or it doesn’t work out at the end of the day, just have fun and play. This is about play.

[00:23:03] Moineau: Yeah. I think that’s actually a really important point. This shouldn’t feel like a really high pressure situation, It’s just two people enjoying their time with each other and putting on this dynamic. There will be times where the dynamic is taken off and then it’s just back to being two people just going about their daily lives.

[00:23:25] There shouldn’t be some expectation to be this super model of submissiveness or this master Dom that you see in all the fancy Hollywood productions. Just have some fun. 

[00:23:39] Chief: It’s just adding a layer on top of your relationship that you already have. You may start with 10 minutes of slightly rougher sex once a week. And you could still call yourself a Dom because in that moment you are amplifying the power dynamic. One person is choosing to submit, and the other person is choosing to be in control.

[00:23:59] I get people emailing into me who expect to be this, they’ve got this image in their head of what this Dom should look like, and they’re aiming towards that. And I say to them, no, what is your personality? What’s your natural personality?

[00:24:11] What do you want a Dom to be. Forget the label dom. What kinky things do you want to do with your partner that put you in a more powerful position and they’re in a more submissive position. That is what being a Dom is about. It’s not being this caricature.

Tips specifically for D/s

[00:24:27] Chief: We’ve discussed talking about kinks with your partner and some tips if you’re going to try them out.

[00:24:33] Let’s move more into the Dom sub side of things because kink and D/s are not necessarily the same. So as I’ve explained, Dom sub is where one person wants to be the Dom, the more dominant one, the one in in control and the submissive submits to them. If someone wants to give this a go what tips would you say for people starting out? 

[00:24:57] Moineau: Because it’s so focused on the power dynamic that you can set a couple of basic rules together. Maybe start out with three rules that you both agree that you want to add into your dynamic. 

[00:25:12] Chief: So these are rules that the dominant is effectively setting and, or you’re setting together and then a submissive compliance, complies and follows. Yeah. 

[00:25:21] Moineau: And also, maybe add a couple of punishments in there and discuss them, actually be like, this is the rule that we have and if this isn’t followed through with our expectation, then this is the punishment that would result. 

[00:25:36] Chief: Have you got some basic rules that we could give to the listeners if you want to try this out. 

[00:25:42] Moineau: A basic rule that is easy to implement from the beginning is thanking the Dominant for any orgasm that you get. And why I think this rule is so good is because you don’t have to wait for a specific moment where this rule would come into place. Like it naturally comes into place if you get an orgasm, then you just say, thank you right after, as soon as he can breathe again. 

[00:26:12] Chief: It’s a clear marker when this thing should be done and it’s not ambiguous. You could do it when you’re remote as well. So if you play with yourself, you have to message the Dom afterwards to say, I just had an orgasm or even getting slight more advanced is ask for permission before you play with yourself.

[00:26:32] If we’re thinking outside the bedroom so more, if people are into more of the service orientated, submissive, anything, that’d be good there.

[00:26:42] Moineau: Yeah, I make the bed. There’s obviously a clear moment when it needs to get done when the bed is unmade, make the bed. So after sex, after a night’s sleep and it’s yeah, that’s obviously a pretty basic service oriented activity that does highlight the power dynamic. But it was just thinking of one that is filling up your water glass if we’re out and about that’s one that we’ve done, restaurant.

[00:27:10] Yeah. Yeah. Making sure that you always have a drink. 

[00:27:13] Chief: Yeah. And just to clarify these aren’t things that turn me on sexually. It’s not the fat, it’s not the act of making the bad that I’m like. Yeah, it makes me want to, so it’s not that it’s more because it’s amplifying the power dynamic. That is the turn on.

[00:27:31] And it’s not always it’s not, I’m not always watching you do it. It’s just nice. I go up after maybe you’ve left and I go, oh, that’s nice. That bed looks nice. That’s great. And it just makes me remember. That we’re in a dynamic. 

[00:27:47] Moineau: And it does the same for me as well. Like doing those little things, folding your clothes the more service oriented things, they are not turning me on, but I enjoy taking that moment to just recall my submissive position in the dynamic. 

[00:28:03] Chief: Yeah. I talk about this in my book, Sensational Scenes, which you can pick up a copy of kinkyevents.co.uk. But for me, I really liked the mental aspects of dominance and it’s little things like this. It just brings back all the memories of the submission and the dynamic. 

[00:28:23] Don’t make it ambiguous as to when the rules should be executed. We’ve made the mistake of having quite vague rules. If they’re too ambiguous, you forget to do them. I would forget to enforce them as the dominant and submissive doesn’t really know that she’s meant to be doing them, or you don’t know you’re meant to be doing it then I can’t really justify a punishment. And if I forget to forget, you’re meant to do it, then you’ll feel let down because they didn’t punish it. 

[00:28:51] Moineau: That’s, that’s a shame. And I think that is where that’s one of the troubleshooting points, because there are moments that if a rule is for forgotten or a punishment is not enforced, then it’s it weakens the dynamic ever so slightly, but it’s oh, I actually, I didn’t get punished.

[00:29:08] If you do not tell me that you’ve orgasmed, then I’m going to spank you, for example. If that then doesn’t get enforced the submissive thought weakens a bit, it’s not as, it’s not as exciting.

[00:29:21] Chief: There’s no risk to not doing it. So keep rules simple. That’s why we’ve given you those really basic ones to start out, making the bed. And thanking the person for your orgasm. 

[00:29:36] There’s a few tips there. Hopefully you find those useful.

Common issues beginner Doms and subs encounter when starting out

[00:29:38] Chief: Let’s move on now to some other issues that we see.

[00:29:41] If you’re starting out in kink and D/s. The biggest one is just struggling to open up. Hopefully the exercises we’ve given you above will help you share your kinks. 

[00:29:52] Second thing is life gets in the way. Things happen. Dynamic gets dropped. Maybe you can only spend 10 minutes a day doing it. Don’t think this has to be this big thing in your life.

[00:30:04] Moineau: I wouldn’t do this if it were not something I enjoyed. The moment it becomes something that’s unenjoyable, it’s. Yeah like this is all in a little bit of fun. It’s not this like super solemn experience. 

[00:30:17] Chief: One further common issue is thinking that all sex you have has to be D/s. Think of it in a percentage wise, how much of your relationship do you want to be a D/s dynamic? It may just be, what percentage of sex do you want to be D/s?

[00:30:34] Don’t assume a hundred percent of every single session you do has to involve pain and ropes and whips and floggers and anal and forced scenes. It does not. You can still have lazy mornings, Sunday cuddle sex. And you will be no less of a Dom or sub. 

[00:30:51] Moineau: Yes, that’s true. But there are still some moments though, in everyday sex that sometimes I feel like the power dynamic just naturally gets heightened comes out.

[00:31:00] yeah. Yeah. Because we’ve been doing it, so it just bleeds over and that’s, doesn’t like lessen the dynamic either, just because in the sex, there was one moment where you held my wrists or something that doesn’t automatically mean that was just like a weak scene. It’s just us having sex that just happens to have a little bit of. 

[00:31:19] Chief: It’s almost more erotic when it’s normal sex. And then you throw in an element of D/s. Like having spooning sex, and it’s just all very sleepy. And then maybe I’ll put my hand around your throat or something like that. So you can just make it, that quick moment to emphasize the power dynamic, put someone in the slightly submissive mindset and then just go back to regular sex. Don’t think the whole relationship has to be Dom/sub the whole time.

Wrapping up 

[00:31:48] Chief: I hope you have found that useful. Those were our tips for discussing kink with your partner, bringing D/s and kink into your relationship. If you have found these useful, then please do go to kinkyevents.co.uk. There’s lots of different articles about all different aspects of D/s all for beginners. 

[00:32:07] You can sign up for the mailing list as well and hear loads more tips and keep up to date with myself and Moineau are up to. Thank you very much for listening and until next time, and thank you, Moineau, lots of love and spanks, and we’ll see you next time.

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