In this episode of Conversations with a Dom I answer questions from readers, including:
- Do Doms really care about/love their subs? [00:00:42]
- What would be a good punishment for talking back or attitude? [00:02:53]
- Do you take enjoyment in punishments? [00:14:14]
- What is one thing that turns on a Dom? [00:15:13]
- Would you hurt your sub? [00:17:54]
Click play below to listen to the episode.
Hello, and welcome to conversations with the Dom with me, Chief founder of KinkyEvents.co.uk. Today, I’m going to be answering some questions that submissives have sent me when I asked for reader feedback on my website.
There are five questions and I’m going to give my honest and authentic answers to each of them.
Question 1: Do Dom’s really care about their subs?
[00:00:42] So let’s start with number one. Do Dom’s really care about/ love their subs. This is a great question.
[00:00:53] And I would say yes, Doms should have a duty of care and a sense of responsibility for their submissives, because if you’re engaging with a sub in a scene, they’re probably going to be put into a position where they are vulnerable. So the Dom needs to be able to treat them with respect and understand that it is a gift. That the sub has given them that gift and therefore should treat them fairly, treat them well and always respect them and look out for them.
[00:01:24] Now this question could be interpreted as, do you have to have a romantic relationship with the sub. And the answer to that is no. If a sub goes to a professional Dominant, it doesn’t mean that they’re in a relationship with that dominant.
[00:01:38] For that brief moment when they’re in that scene, they are in a dynamic they’re in a sort of relationship, but not a romantic one. There is no love between the dominant and the sub. The Dom just cares and respects the sub as a person, but it’s not a romantic relationship.
[00:01:55] Just like if I went to a sex party and I interacted with another sub. I may not have any romantic feelings. I may not even know who they are, but we can still engage in a power play dynamic. And as the Dom, I make sure that she is okay at the end of the scene and we may never see each other. This is very much like normal, everyday dating and relationships.
[00:02:15] You can have a couple who are married. For a long time and they love each other very much. We can have a couple, who’ve just been on a first date and there’s no romantic love there yet because it hasn’t blossomed. You can also have casual relationships where again, it’s more of a friends with benefits type situation.
[00:02:33] It’s not really love there, but you’d hope that there is mutual respect and trust between the two parties. So do Doms really care about their subs? I would say yes. Good Doms do care about the person. But it doesn’t mean that they have a romantic relationship with that sub.
Question 2: What would be a good punishment for backtalk or attitude?
[00:02:53] Question two is from little one.
Thank you very much. Little one. She asks what would be a good punishment for talking back or attitude? I think what you’re talking about here is a, what I would term a bratty sub. So a bratty sub likes to test their dominant from time to time to make sure that she has picked a good dominant.
My subs tend not to be too bratty. I tend to go for more what I would call littles. Little subs generally really enjoy being dominated and enjoy doing things for the other person and take pride in doing it well. So they don’t have the desire to talk back or any attitude. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t interacted with brats in the past.
[00:03:34] The way I approach punishments varies, first of all, I’d say that all good punishments should have been consented to beforehand. You cannot punish your sub for doing something, which she didn’t know she was supposed to do. And you can’t punish her in a way that she hasn’t consented to. What I mean by this is just because she’s done something wrong you cannot punish her in a way that breaks her boundaries or steps over her hard limits. So if she has said that, for example, she never wants to be naked in public.
[00:04:09] Then as a Dom, if my submissive has been bad, I would never make them stand in the street naked because that is a hard limit. And so, although it would be in a way a punishment, it is not a good punishment. One of the things I like to do is get my subs to write down a list of what they would consider punishment.
[00:04:29] So you ask them, you know, put down your top five things, which if you do something wrong, we’re going to agree with you and I, that you are going to do these, that I will pick from the list and you are happy to do these. And when they write them out, I make sure that they really are punishments. Spanking for example can be a great punishment, but if you’re dealing with a sub who enjoys pain is a masochist, then spanking is not a good punishment because it’s in fact arousing for them.
[00:04:56] And so it’s, it’s not really disciplinary. so to get back to your specific question, the way I deal with punishments is I start more with funishments. So if they have done something wrong , they’re talking back, they’re giving me attitudes. I start with just a look. I just look at them and maybe raise an eyebrow.
[00:05:13] And I have the look on my face, which says, really, you really want to do this. You really want to push me like this. And I do it in a playful way because that’s my natural personality and that’s my Dom personality. I don’t try and bring a strict stern aggressive mean dominant personality into my scenes because that’s not me.
[00:05:35] That’s not my personality. I think a lot of new Doms make the mistake of thinking they have to fit that stereotypical shut off emotionally dominant, who has no feelings and doesn’t care about their sub. That is not what a good Dom is. There are Doms like that. and that may absolutely be what some subs want, but if it’s doesn’t feel right for you.
[00:05:56] If it’s not your true personality, then it’s not going to feel authentic. So you need to develop your own style of dominance and mine. As I said, it’s a bit more relaxed, a bit more chilled out. I enjoy kind of a bit more of a playful, romantic caregiving type style of dominance. So as I said, I start with funishments.
[00:06:16] Usually, if, if the stern look doesn’t work, maybe I’ll come up behind her. I’ll grab her from behind just playfully wrap my arms around her, so she can’t move. And I will maybe give her a couple of swats on the bum. And, and I would be teasing with her, be joking in her ear, going see what happens, see what happens if you, if you do bad things.
[00:06:37] So again, it’s not stern, it’s just friendly. It’s just joking around. But it does give her the sense that if I wanted to, I could take things to the next level by holding her. It gives her the sense that yes, this guy could overpower me if he wanted to. If that doesn’t work, then it is probably time to ratchet up the punishments. So punishments I’ve used with subs in the past. I had a sub stand against the wall with her nose, touching the wall, holding a bit of paper between the wall and her nose. And she had to stand there with her hands behind her back for 20 minutes.
[00:07:19] And if I saw her moving or if the paper dropped to the floor, because she took a nose away, then she would get an extra five minutes added onto the time. And she was also standing there. I think I made her stand there naked to add a bit more of a power dynamic and humiliation play in there as well.
[00:07:38] You could do other things like just simply getting her to kneel on the floor and she’s not allowed to speak. You could do orgasm denial. So you might say, Oh, well, you’re not allowed to play with yourself, or you’re not going to get fucked this week . If you don’t live together having her not being able to play with herself is a lot of fun.
[00:07:57] You can introduce hard spanking as well. As I say, in my book, Sensational Scenes, when you do spanking for play and fun the aim is to gradually build up the strength of the squats so that her body gets used to it. When you’re doing a punishment spanking, then you don’t do that. You just, you just go straight in with the hard spanks because the body will feel the pain then, and it hasn’t increased its pain threshold.
[00:08:22] So spanking hard spanks are another good one, but again, you’ve got to be careful because some subs really like being spanked and therefore it’s not a great punishment. If you want more punishments, or if you have like a little type sub, then you can get them to write lines. That’s a great one. Maybe get them to write out I’m always a good girl for my daddy or, or sir, or master or whatever you like to be called. You could get them to do very boring tasks like transfer grains of rice from one bowl to another, with chopsticks, that’s always a classic. You get them to kneel on rice for a period of time.
[00:08:55] That’s again, if you a bit more sadistic and you like to introduce a bit of pain into your punishments, or you could get them to do something very boring, like filling in every O on the front of a newspaper which would probably take them, you know, half an hour to an hour to do.
[00:09:10] If we’re in the bedroom and I’m getting back talk or I’m getting attitude then I can probably be a bit rougher because the sex tends to be rough anyway. So maybe I’m tying her up and she starts kicking out with the legs and wriggling away and not letting me a tire up.
[00:09:25] So in that case, I might go up to, I put my face very close to hers. Maybe I’ll put my hand around her neck and I’ll just whisper quietly to look, I’m tying you up. You know why I am, because you know, at the end of this, you’re going to get a big orgasm from me and then they let you come hard. Is that what you want?
[00:09:45] I’m pretty sure it is. So if you’re wriggling around, you know, what’s going to happen, we can always stop. We could just stop right now and you won’t get that. Is that what you want? And I’ll do stuff like that. And they’ll sort of say, Oh no, no, they already want it. You get them to settle down by reasoning with them and using logic.
[00:10:02] That’s just my approach as a Dom because that’s the type of personality I have. Your personality and your sub, maybe more into a sadistic and masochist type role. You might want to cane her really hard. You might want to slap her across the face. It all completely depends on your dynamic and what you’ve consented to.
[00:10:21] And as I said, the punishment shouldn’t exceed her hard or soft limits. Make sure the punishment fits the crime, make sure the punishment fits what you’ve agreed to with your sub.
[00:10:33] And one final thing I would say with punishments is you shouldn’t punish a sub just because she’s not doing what you want as a Dom. Let’s say for example, that she does not like anal sex and you’ve talked about it and she still does not like it and you haven’t agreed to do it. And then during a bedroom session, you try and have anal sex with her.
[00:10:59] And she says, no, I’m not doing that. You cannot punish her for that because that’s one of her limits. She has said that very clearly to you and therefore you can not get angry and you cannot give her a punishment for not doing what you want. You have to have agreed it with her beforehand.
[00:11:17] Punishment should also come out of a place of not aggression, not spite, none of these negative emotions, a punishment should be meted out in a very calm and thoughtful way, but also have an undercurrent of love and respect and care to it. The whole point of a Dom sub relationship is you are providing equal benefits to each other.
[00:11:47] And the sub in some ways takes, gets benefit from living in a structured environment and having someone tell her what to do. So if you stepped out of line, she wants you to punish her and bring her back into line because you know that her following rules is enjoyable for her. I’m being punished and put back into a place is enjoyable for her.
[00:12:11] That’s what she wants. And therefore, when you are giving out a punishment, you’re not doing out of anger because you want to be a control freak, and she’s not doing what you want and you you’re going to force her and make her do what you want. That’s not where a Dominant’s mind should be, and it’s, it’s not where you should be when you’re giving out a punishment.
[00:12:30] The punishment should be given out for the benefit of both parties because you know that bringing her back on track will be beneficial for both of you. Another example, let’s say, I know my sub has got lots of work to do, but she keeps staying up late at night till one, two in the morning, scrolling endlessly on her phone.
[00:12:49] And I know she’s got exams coming up. Now I might set a rule that says from now on, because you’ve got exams coming up you need to get a better night’s sleep. So I’m going to put you to bed at 11:00 PM. And after that time it’s lights out and no more scrolling on your phone until the morning.
[00:13:10] Now I can do that because I would have done a sex menu. If you don’t know what a sex menu is, head on to KinkyEvents.co.uk, and search for sex menu. It’s basically a whole list of activities that you can do in a spreadsheet and you get your sub to go through it and mark off the things they enjoy and don’t enjoy.
[00:13:27] Now I know my sub quite likes the idea of a forced bedtime because she is a little sub. And, uh, littles tend to like that kind of thing. They like rules. So I can say to her that is the rule. And if she breaks that, then she gets a punishment. I’m doing it for her benefit. I’m not doing it to control her. I’m doing it because I know it is good for her to be in bed at 11:00 PM.
[00:13:51] So hope that helps answer the question, which was what would be a good punishment for talking back or attitude? The simple answer is it depends.
[00:14:00] It depends on the type of Dom sub dynamic you have. It depends on what you’ve consented to, and it depends on the severity of the infraction. So little one, there you go. Hope that was helpful.
Question 3: Do you take enjoyment in punishments?
[00:14:14] Baby asks do you take enjoyment in punishments? I don’t so much. I’m not a sadist, meaning I don’t like inflicting pain on other people. I really give out punishments because I want the other person to get the benefits in the long run.
[00:14:35] I do, of course get enjoyment out of being in control, most Doms do, but I don’t take enjoyment out of giving out punishments that cause pain. Um, I’m doing it because I want to see the correct result at the end of it, if that makes sense.
[00:14:53] Giving out punishments is not arousing. It’s not a turn on for me, but I know it helps my submissive. I know my submissive enjoys it in a weird kind of way. She enjoys being punished because then she knows that she has a strong Dominant who cares about her and wants her to do the best she can.
Question 4: What is one thing that turns on a Dom?
[00:15:13] So next question. What is one thing that turns on a Dom?
[00:15:18] It totally depends on the type of Dominant you are. For me personally. Uh I like knowing that I have the control over someone. There are certain tasks in my life that I don’t like doing like cooking and so to have someone who is willing to do that for me and enjoys doing that for me and having her perform tasks for me, I find that quite a bit of a turn on.
[00:15:42] And I also like the fact that we’re very open sexually. We have an agreement which is a free use policy as it were, which means that I can use her body whenever I want to. So even if she’s asleep, I can have sex with her because that’s what we’ve consented to.
[00:15:59 ]I really like the feeling that whenever I get turned on I just get to take her. I get to use her body for my pleasure. And for me, that’s, that’s really arousing and it is in a way objectification. It’s almost the tabooness of it that makes it a turn on .
[00:16:17] I’d been brought up to be very respectful for everyone, no matter their race, no matter their gender. And so the thought of using someone solely for my pleasure as though they were an object, like completely objectifying them, is taboo. But I think that’s what makes it exciting. Because it’s, it’s forbidden.
[00:16:37] And yet it’s really pleasurable at the same time. And also, you know, that the person, the sub is really into it and you know, that she’s getting turned on from it as well. So it’s not all about me taking pleasure. It’s me taking pleasure. But in the back of my mind, I know that she is also really enjoying herself and it turns her on as well.
[00:16:58] So it’s a win-win situation. And like I said, I would never, ever do that to someone unless they had completely consented.
[00:17:06] So in a nutshell, what is one thing that turns on a Dom? Well, that was a couple of things there, but they are very subjective to me. In general, I would say that most Doms enjoy being in control and being able to order around their submissive.
[00:17:23] Some Doms will also like the fact that they can be more expressive with their masculinity. As I said, we’re brought up to be very respectful to one another. And so as a, as a guy you almost have to reign in your testosterone and your aggressiveness sometimes.
[00:17:41] So having an outlet for that, to being able to just go wild in the bedroom and, um, release some of that masculine energy, I think is what a lot of guys are attracted to.
Question 5: Would you hurt your sub?
[00:17:54] The final question is from Blue and she asks, would you hurt your sub.
[00:18:00] Again, a very difficult question to answer with a yes or no, but let’s, let’s go into the details.
[00:18:07] Yes, I would cause pain to my sub if she had consented to that and I know that she enjoys it. As I said, I’m not really a sadist, so I don’t really enjoy inflicting pain on my subs and I probably wouldn’t do it unless I knew that they enjoyed it.
[00:18:24] So my current sub really likes being spanked. So in a way I am hurting her, but my intentions are good. My intentions with the spanking are to help her almost for her spanking is very relaxing.
[00:18:40] So I’m spanking her and I’m causing her pain. But my reasoning is good is because I want to help her go into subspace. I’m not doing it because I’m angry with her. So I’m not trying to hurt her, but the pain does help her get to where she wants to be. And then that’s talking about physical pain.
[00:19:00] Mental pain, emotional pain is again different. I never try and do anything which would harm my sub emotionally. Like any relationship sometimes you can say things or do things that accidentally cause your partner emotional pain. I think we all do that. We’ve all been there. It’s not intentional, but it happens.
[00:19:20] But on the whole, I’m never trying to emotionally harm my submissive. Sometimes I will try and emotionally manipulate her, but again, in a good way. So during a scene, I will try and get her relaxed. I will try and put her into a submissive mindset.
[00:19:36] So I am emotionally manipulating her but the intention is it’s for her benefit. It’s not all about me and I’m not, I’m not doing it to try and get my own way. I’m not trying to put her into a submissive mindset so that I can fuck her ass, even though she doesn’t want me to. That’s absolutely not what we’re trying to do here.
[00:19:58] If you’re in a relationship with a dorm who is hurting you and you haven’t agreed to that, or you don’t like it, or it feels wrong or they get angry when you bring up the fact that you don’t like it and you don’t want them to do something to you, then you’re probably dealing with a Fake Dom and you should not be with them because that is not what a Dom does.
[00:20:19] A Dom should not be just commanding you, bossing you around and you do whatever they say if that’s not what you consented to. And if you are not getting some sort of benefit out of it.
[00:20:33] If you want more information on Fake Doms, then go to KinkyEvents.co.uk, search for Fake Doms. I’ve got a whole article on it there.
[00:20:42] That is Conversations with a Dom, answering a few questions from readers. I hope you found it insightful. If you want more information on how to build your dream Dom sub dynamic, then head over to KinkyEvents.co.uk. There’s a whole set of articles there and lots of free downloads and even some courses that you can take to improve your Dom sub relationships.