How Do I Find a Good Dom?

How to find a great dominant partner

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Hello, Chief. I have been thinking a lot about being in a dominant/sub relationship. It is something that I have wanted to explore, but not had the courage. Now, to find a good Dom and know I can trust is the question and concern. How do you find one? Know If he is good? So many questions. Any suggestions or thoughts on guiding me would be appreciated.


Hello Anna.

Thanks for your question. 

I’m so happy you are taking the plunge into the world of Dom/sub relationships, especially as it seems you’ve been thinking about one for a while. 

Here are my initial thoughts on the best way to find a Dom. 

Firstly, make sure you know the signs of a Fake Dom. There are lots out there and you don’t want to be in a relationship with one. The stereotypical image of a Dom being a cruel, non-emotional, domineering character, bullying the sub into doing whatever he wants is not a good one, but sadly many subs believe this is what a ‘real Dom’ is.

Secondly, I encourage you to read my five tips on finding a dominant partner if you haven’t already.

Here are some more quick thoughts on how to find a good Dom.

Finding a Dom is like finding a vanilla partner…but tougher

Ultimately finding a good Dom is much like finding a vanilla partner.

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Most people struggle. There’s plenty of going on dud dates, or starting to date someone before realising they aren’t for you.

Added to this is the additional complexity of finding someone who matches you sexually AND wants the type of Dom/sub relationship you do.

If you’re a bratty sub who loves being put in her place but you date a Caregiver Dom who is used to dealing with Littles, it’s not going to work.

Likewise, if you meet a Dom who wants a service-orientated submissive who will tend to him all hours of the day, but you only want to experience being dominated in the bedroom, the relationship is also doomed from the start.

The Art of Submission. A course for beginner submissives

So before diving into dating, write down exactly what you want from a Dom and the D/s dynamic.

It’s also incredibly frustrating as a Dom to hear from a potential sub they are ‘open to anything’. This means nothing. You must learn to own and communicate your wants and desires in D/s dating and relationship effectively.

I can’t tell you how many times someone has told me they are ‘open to anything’ only for them to look horrified or shocked when I explain to them what my ideas D/s relationship looks like.

  • Do a BDSM test so you understand your sub type.
  • Complete a Sex Menu to show them as you get further into dating.
  • Educate yourself about the world of BDSM and kink (which you clearly are because you’re on this website!)
  • Explore your fantasies and desires.
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That way when you do meet someone you’ll be able to check if their style of dominance matches what you want.

But where do I meet Doms?

When you’re vanilla dating and spot someone across the room who takes your fancy, the only question you need to ask yourself is “Are they single?”.

When you’re looking for a Dom you also have to ask yourself “Are they a Dom?”.

That’s why it may be a good idea to seek out potential partners on websites which cater to those of kinky persuasion, or to attend kink events, parties and munches.

Here are some suggestions of where to meet Doms:

  • Go to a pro Dom. If you’re unsure if a Dom/sub lifestyle is for you or not, you can pay a professional Dom to give you a session and see if you like it.
  • Watch for signs. Date as you would normally but look out for signs in online profiles and when you meet someone they might be a Dom. Sometimes the words they use will give you insight into their mindset and whether they would make a good Dom. Other times they will outright tell you in the profile they are a Dom looking for a sub.
  • Go to kink events. This is the easiest approach as you know everyone there is open minded and into kink. You still have to ensure the person is into the same kinks you are though. Some kinks events may only be for couples and single women too which you obviously don’t want. And some kink events are more geared towards short term hookups or flings. So choose the event carefully. A munch might be more suitable than a sex party. Also be aware that lots of Fake Doms attend the events that allow single men in. That’s why vetting to weed them out in your initial discussions with them is important.
  • Use a kink app. Some apps such as Feeld are geared towards kinky folk. Feeld often hold some great monthly events (in the UK at least) where you can meet people in person.
  • Build a social circle. The best way to meet a partner is through friends, right? It’s no different with D/s. Start making friends with Dominants and submissives in your area, either in person (check for local events and attend them regularly) or via online communities (pst – you might want to join the official Kinky Events community. It’s free and everyone on there is either a Dom or sub). Once you’ve got a group of friends they will invite you to more events (kinky and regular) and you’ll quickly start meeting suitable Doms. This method is slow but can be highly effective, and you’ll make lots of friends in the process.
  • Convert a regular guy. You date a regular guy and then turn him into a Dom. This can work pretty well if you select a guy who is naturally assertive and confident. They just may never have realised D/s existed or been given a chance to try it. I was like this until I started dating women who told me they were subs and it started my journey to becoming a Dom. I believe a lot of guys would jump at the chance to be a Dom if given the chance.
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How do I know if he’s a good Dom?

As I mentioned earlier, make sure you know the signs of a Fake Dom.

A good Dom won’t try and dominate you right away. They will be interested in you as a person, as well as wanting to get to know what type of sub you are and what type of Dom you want.

In other words, a good Dom is considerate and respectful. They understand that the sub chooses the Dom, because ultimately she is the one WILLFULLY giving her submission to him. Anyone who tries to coerce, force, or manipulate you into doing what they want is not a good Dom.

A good Dom is also kind and patient. They will understand if you lack experience. They will be there to help you grow as a sub, rather than getting angry if you don’t understand something or have questions.

A good Dom also understands that D/s should be safe and consensual.

And finally a good Dom makes you feel great! If you are doubting or questioning the relationship then he’s probably not the right Dom for you.

Concluding how to find a Dom

The bottom line is there’s no one best way to meet someone.

It’s very much like regular dating in that regard. There are many different ways, and the one you choose will be dependent on your personality and the way you normally meet people.

Be prepared for setbacks and terrible dates.

Don’t settle for a partner who doesn’t satisfy you sexually or who claims to be a Dom as a thinly veiled excuse to use you for his own benefit whilst you get nothing in return.

Know the signs of a Fake Dom, and if anything feels off to you then run.

Try multiple methods to meet Dominants, because any of them might unexpectedly work out.

Eventually you’ll find the right Dom for you.

The Art of Submission. A course for beginner submissives
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Wish I had some of this info in the beginning I have had some Doms go right for my submission with in a few days and it does get discouraging especially with online ones


May I join you?


This discussion. i am in the situation.


New, curious, and learning.


I’m having an issue with wanting to be on both ends. I’m craving both and it’s really frustrating and confusing. Do you have any advice because I’m at a loss? I’ve done some research but the deeper I get the more confused I get


As a Dom looking for new subs the inverse could be applied. Take every mention of Dom in this article and replace it with Sub. You essentially get the same result. I’ve come across too many subs that have had bad doms in the past and immediately start making unrealistic expectations. It’s an equal effort that requires equal communication. It’s a give and take that should bring happiness to both the sub and the Dom. Actually let’s not call it sub and Dom. Let’s call them people. I hate that every article I read doesn’t talk about people and forming a secure attachment. They never speak about intentions and context. This makes me want to make a FetLife writing about this topic. Secure attachment and maturity should come first. If either the sub or Dom is severely lacking autonomy or has serious problems with intimacy, then they aren’t ready for D/s.


Hello chief. I need your help but dont know where to email you.


What do you do if you’re a new sub female that has a boyfriend and is 18 and doesn’t know wether to approach him on it or just stay how I am without any one knowing but I have more needs then others I like being told what to do and being kept on track and if not being punished for it but there are so many different kinds of those my boyfriends kinda just regular he’s dominant but not as dominant in guy as I’d like maybe 3/10ths of what I really want

Last edited 2 months ago by Olivia