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A reader asks:
First, you ask if it is a thing for someone to be submissive in the bedroom but assertive out of it.
The answer is, absolutely yes.
There is no right or wrong in BDSM and D/s so don’t worry if something is ‘normal’. You must set up the relationship which suits you, and communicate your wants and desires to your partner correctly.
Plenty of subs I know are powerful women with high-flying careers who are incredibly strong-willed and assertive outside the bedroom. But in the bedroom, they CHOOSE (choose being the operative word) to relinquish that control. They give the gift of their submission to a partner (in some ways subs have all the power as they are the ones who choose to submit).
And now to your second question about you not being satisfied in the bedroom.
It is your responsibility to speak up and tell your partner. He is not a mind reader and doesn’t know what you need.
I’ve written a few articles on communication on my site which I recommend you read.
It’s scary to talk to a partner about kinks, but it’s the only way you will ever be satisfied. There are definitely correct ways and bad ways to do it. Don’t go in with the attitude that he is not satisfying you, or he is doing something wrong. Even when you do communicate well, he may feel offended and hurt, so take care.
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How to heighten arousal, induce Subspace, and have mind-blowing sexual experiences.
You also need to figure out if your partner wants to be a Dominant. Maybe it just isn’t in his personality. You will only find this out through open communication with him – letting him know what you want, then asking him if any of it is of interest.
Sometimes this communication opens up wonderful things and will take your sex life to the next level. Sometimes you will discover you are incompatible in bed and will either have to deal with it, split up, or enter an ethically non-monogamous relationship to get your needs satisfied.
If you find, having spoken to him, that your partner is interested in becoming a Dom, but has no idea where to start, then buy a copy of Sensational Scenes for him. It’ll will boost his confidence and help him give you incredible experiences in and out of the bedroom in a D/s dynamic.
You may also find the following articles useful:
- How Do I Get My Boyfriend To Be More Dominant?
- 5 Ways to Make Your Boyfriend More Dominant in Bed
- Better Sex With Expert Communication
Also consider doing a sex menu together as a way of fostering open communication.
Hope that helps. Let me know how you get on.
This describes me completely! Out in the world I am very dominant and have been told that I can even be intimidating. However, I want my partner to take control in the bedroom and in some areas of the home life. I guess this is why “switch” may be a good descriptor for me
It could be yes! Generally I use the term Switch when referring to someone who enjoys the Dom or the sub role in a scene, rather than how they conduct themselves outside of that, but that doesn’t mean I’m right:)
For example, my sub wouldn’t describe herself as a Switch even though in her job she does have to be more dominant than she usually is.
If you enjoy being both a Dom to your partner and a sub then I’d label you a switch. If you are merely dominant with someone you work with then that’s just normal because you aren’t involved in a D/s dynamic with them.
Hope that makes sense! At the end of the day it’s all just labels anyway. There’s no right or wrong really, they just as a useful way to quickly communicate ideas to others. You can define it how you want! The above is just my interpretation.
This is SO, SO, SO, SO accurate for me! I’ve never once had anyone guess I’m a sub because outside of bed I’m highly academic, a bit stoic, serious, perfectionistic, busy, and honestly every now and then a bit of a control freak, and my boyfriend (AND my Dom, though a soft one-) outside of bed is a much more charismatic, people-pleasing, always there for support and soft jokes, sweet kind of guy you’d never guess even had the ABILITY to degrade someone even MILDLY. Well, he can be a switch, but he’s Dom leaning and he’s definitely interested in figuring out what harder things I like that aren’t a bit…..TOO hard for him 😅. And I’ve started showing him a few of your articles, the first being the one about collars, because I’ve been thinking about asking him to have me wear a day collar when I go out, since we’re currently a bit long-distance. And……….Okay, so I don’t even know HOW my brain got SO side-tracked, I’m not sure if I was excited or what, but anyways, back to the point- For me, I think one of the whole REASONS I’m a submissive is that I feel such a need to try and order everyone around to keep everything perfect out of bed and sometimes seem intimidating. Control can be exhausting, so when someone has more of it than they want they may look to let go of some of the control go through BDSM. That way, it balances out, because they get to relax and let GO for ONCE and just not need to make ANY decisions for a while, and if you deal with a lot of stress from making decisions in your business life, that can be REALLY therapeutic. And I completely agree that communication is key, but I suggest asking him about his opinions on it in general before you connect it to yourself if you feel, like……..REALLY, REALLY ashamed about it. And not in the fun way- yet, at least. I’m DEFINITELY not saying that this means anyone with an above average amount of power in daily life is a sub, but I am saying that when they are it can be a really common way to deal with the stress and receive pleasure at the same time, so it’s a two-in-one win.