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A reader sent in this email:
My husband and I have recently discovered BDSM. It happened very suddenly and the catalyst was a random dream I had about nipple clamps. He immediately bought a pair, and we have been delving into the 24/7 life for the past month.
The only hiccup we have come across is that the sub mindset came naturally to me as if a switch had been flipped (pun intended). He has always been more of a kind and gentle soul. He easily embraces the bedroom side of things. He has also been amazing about communication, rules, wants/needs/, and even day time demands. The only portions in which we are wanting to build his domination are in nonsexual domination and dirty talk during the day.
As his adoring sub, I want to do anything I can to build his confidence and help him find his new self. I am collared, but understand that this collar represents that we are both in training. I already encourage his Dom side as much as I can without topping from the bottom. It is just new and I feel that he/we could benefit from your wisdom. So many articles, podcasts, videos, and so on focus on new Doms that tend to be assholes. We are looking for info on how to be more confident and maybe even aggressive in giving direction and not asking, but telling.
Thank you in advance and I appreciate your time.Pocky
Thanks for writing.
So you are looking to help your husband be more dominant outside the bedroom, being more assertive in saying what he wants, and also using dirty talk.
It’s a really interesting question and one that isn’t easy to answer via the written word, because what we are talking about here is mindset and personality. You are asking your husband who you describe as “gentle and kind’ to change his personality somewhat.
In the bedroom this tends to be easy, because it’s very carnal, and tends to come naturally. Sex is quite a D/s act even when done in a vanilla way, because the man is entering the woman, not the other way around.
But outside the bedroom is where men who were brought up to be loving, kind, and respectful towards women struggle.
I once had a sub who absolutely hated when I said ‘please’ after I asked her to do something for me. But that was how I was raised! It was so ingrained in me that I had to force myself not to say it, and at first it felt very strange.
My brain kept telling me I was taking advantage of my sub by commanding her to do things for me. I really had to remind myself she enjoyed me bossing her about.
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It also helped for us to have debriefs where she once again reassured me that she was okay with what I was doing. We’d check in every week or so and I’d ask how the level of dominance was for her and if she’d enjoy me being more dominant, and if so to give specific examples so I could understand exactly what she enjoyed about it. This was me ‘learning’ my sub, just like a sub has to learn what her Dom likes.
So, firstly your husband may have a mental block about dominating you outside the bedroom which you both need to work together to overcome.
And, secondly, once over that, he needs to figure out how to overcome his natural personality and be more aggressive and demanding.
What will really help him is for you to give concrete examples. Just telling him to give you more aggressive commands is too vague and open for interpretation.
Sit down and write a list of three dirty talk phrases you’d love to hear him say, and one command which he can practise giving with a more aggressive voice tone.
For example, make a routine for a weekend of always having him say:
- “Get up and go make my breakfast how you know I like it. I expect to be served in exactly ten minutes.”; or
- “Kneel on the floor and wait as I go shower. Afterwards, you’ll lay my clothes out for the day. I also want you to wear X, Y, Z.”
By focusing on a small list of specific things your Dom can practise to grow in confidence. Once he sees your reaction and knows they work, he will naturally start to add more things to the repertoire.
One further tip I would give is about getting into ‘mental state’.
What I mean by this is allowing him some time to move from an everyday state of mind to a more dominant one.
At first it may take time for him to move from normal to dominant mode, but as you practise this will become easier and quicker for him.
Examples of how to do this might could be allowing him a moment to go to another room, close his eyes, and visualise being more controlling and demanding.
Another method is to roll from sex into day dominance. What I mean by that is, if he’s great at being dominant during sex, then afterwards is the perfect time to continue the domiance because he will already be in the correct frame of mind (especially if he doesn’t allow himself to orgasm). So roll out of bed and start you day, but pretend as though it is still part of the sexual play, even though you are doing every day activities.
Be patient with each other. This sounds like a very new D/s dynamic (even though you’ve been together for a while), and it’ll take some time to figure out what one another need from the dynamic. As always, I recommend you each complete a Sex Menu and then discuss it. Although it mainly covers sexual acts (which you seem to have handled), it does cover some non-sexual activities too, and if anything fosters good communication skills.
The final point I’d make is this. An aggressive and demanding style of dominance is not for everyone. Just because you want your partner to be this, doesn’t mean it’s a style of domiance which suits his personality. And that’s okay.
My own style of dominance is more romantic and caring than aggressive because it suits my personality better. So whilst you can try all the techniques above, just make sure your partner really wants to be that type of Dominant and is not just doing it because you want them to.
I hope that helps.