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A reader emailed me to ask if one of their hard limits would make it difficult for them to find a sub, or makes them a bad Dom. Below is an edited version of their question to preserve their anonymity and make it easier to read.
I recently bought a copy of Sensational Scenes, already most of the way through it, and it’s amazing. enjoy being a Dom. I was intimidated by the role, but your book has alleviated almost all of my concerns. I have confidence that I will make any of my future subs happy in every way possible. For that I thank you.
A hard limit of mine is exhibitionism. I am not comfortable with any form of public display of affection beyond a good kiss in a public setting, and kink events are also not on my list of interests.
I know it doesn’t make any sense but I get hung up on this and fool myself into thinking that those are things you should do, and that because I don’t, I won’t be a good dom or able to find a sub. It seems to be a common topic in the community and I have read many articles that refer to scenes just like this as if it something that happens in every D/s relationship even though I know that’s not true.
Do you think a hard limit of exhibitionism will make it more difficult for me to find a sub?– A Concerned Reader
Here was my response:
My honest answer is no! It won’t make it more challenging to find a sub. In fact finding a partner who IS into exhibitionism is sometimes harder. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve dated who I’ve invited to sex parties but they just aren’t interested. Exhibitionism does not have to be part of a D/s dynamic at all.
That’s the great thing about being a Dom – all it means is that you like to be in control of the situation. The rest of what you do and how you act is completely up to you. So please don’t think you HAVE to act in a certain have or have to include certain activities. You really don’t. Make the relationship what YOU want it to be. (Here’s my take on what being a Dom means to me.)
I can already tell from the fact you purchased the book that you care about your partners and are willing to put in the work to become a good Dom – you’ll be absolutely fine. Just remember consent and good communication, and when you meet someone you may have to negotiate a little and reach some compromises.
I’m not sure if you’re aware of my podcast, but take a look at episode 4 for some more tips on how to be a better Dom. I’ve also got an episode coming out in a few weeks about dating when kinky which may help you out.
Keep up the great work.