Learn the art of submission: An online training program designed for beginner subs curious about BDSM and power play. Discover more.
I want to share one exercise you can use to have kinkier fun.
Don’t dismiss it due to it’s simplicity.
It can be transformative if done correctly.
- Think up a favourite fantasy of yours.
- How would you want to feel during that scenario?
- Write down those feelings!
- Write down one thing you or your partner could do to make you feel at least one of those emotions during sex.
How this works
The feelings you write down are what your subconscious yearns for.
As I talk about in my book Sensational Scenes, it’s not about WHAT you do during sex, it’s about HOW and WHY you are doing it.
The fantasy is the WHAT, but ultimately it is the feelings that you want to experience – the WHY – that result in mind-blowingly great experiences.
Your fantasies help you uncover what those feelings are.
If you like this article, you’ll love…
How to heighten arousal, induce Subspace, and have mind-blowing sexual experiences.
And when you know those, you can make any activity more of a turn on.
As a male Dom, one of my top fantasies is bossing two female subs around, having them do whatever sexual act I ask of them, and being able to use them in any way I wish.
How would I feel during this fantasy?
This fantasy isn’t power or control despite first appearances – that’s the surface level. At its core it is about my desire to be seen as loveable.
I would feel desired, wanted, loved and adored. If two beautiful women wanted to submit to me, then they must really like me, right?
(As an aside: remember, the logic behind feelings isn’t necessarily true – it is just about how WE interpret them. And remember to go deep into your feelings. Don’t just look at surface emotions).
Deep stuff right?
Now I have identified this deep desire, I can incorporate it into all my sexual play and Dom sub relationships to make them more rewarding and engaging.
For example, during a blowjob, a woman telling me how much she has been thinking about sucking me is incredibly hot, because it plays on my need to be desired.
Rather than going for dinner with my sub, if she cooks me a meal and presents it to me naked, it fulfils my ‘desire to be loved’ whilst also being sexual.
If a sub texts me that she’s playing with herself thinking about us, it triggers my need to be wanted.
Conversely, tying someone up isn’t all that sexually exciting to me. It doesn’t trigger my love, desire, or wanted feelings.
A Rigger Dom, however, might be incredibly turned on by restraining someone with rope, because perhaps for them their core desire is to feel stability, safety, security, and control – restraining someone ensures nothing unexpected can happen.
Relating this to Dom sub
The best D/s dynamics are when you and your partner have related core desires. A Dom who wants to feel stability and control, would match well with a sub who wants to feel safety and security – they might be incredibly turned on by rope bondage.
Likewise, a sissy male sub who wants to feel powerless, may love being forced to do things they don’t like in a Total Power Exchange dynamic with a female Domme who wants to feel assertive and powerful.
The dynamic works less well if both partners have mismatched core desires.
A need to feel comforted (for example, a Little sub) could clash with a need to feel anger of one Dom, but work well with the need to feel fondness of another Dom. Both of these Doms might be sadists, but one whips his sub out of fondness, the other out of rage.
See why the WHAT (the whipping) is much less important than the WHY (the core needs) and the HOW (the energy and intent behind the whipping).
The morale of the story is this: if you can figure out your own core desires, and share them with your partner, you are giving yourself and them the opportunity to enhance your existing sexual activities at a more profound level.
Then you just do more of that stuff!
What do you do if you love a sexual activity but your partner isn’t in to it?
The core desires exercise can help you make a compromise.
Rather than focusing on the sex act itself, concentrate on how that sex act would make you feel, then communicate THAT to your partner.
You can then sit down and discuss what sex acts would make you feel that way, as a substitute for the one your partner doesn’t enjoy.
Here’s an example. Suppose you love anal sex but your partner doesn’t. You might identify that receiving anal sexy makes you feel a sense of danger or a thrill from doing something taboo.
What other activities might also make you feel this way? Perhaps wearing a skirt without underwear in public would give you a similar thrill, or having sex in a dark alley where there’s a risk of being caught, or with the blinds open.
Each of this options might be something your partner is willing to try, thereby negating your need for anal sex.
You may find this exercise challenging
And that’s okay.
Maybe you struggle to accept your fantasies, or feel deeply guilty about them.
Maybe you know your fantasy, but can’t identify the core need which sits behind it.
Maybe you’ve done the work to identify your core sexual desires, but are struggling to communicate them to a partner.
You’re not alone.
These are common challenges.
The good news is that the more you work at it, the easier it will become.
I am also planning to launch a program soon to help you overcome these challenges.
If you’re interested in becoming a Beta tester, do email me via the address on the contact page.