When I began my journey towards being a dom, I didn’t really know how to judge if I was doing things correctly or not. Over time I made mistakes (and still do), but also began to notice patterns in other beginners.
Here are five basic mistakes I see beginner dominants making when getting starting on their kinky journey.
Mistake 1: Changing your persona
I see questions online about a new dominant asking how they should act when in the dominant role. In one such question something had happened during kinky sex which both the dom and his sub had found funny, and they had started laughing.
His question had been along the lines of (and I’m paraphrasing massively here) “How to I stop this happening and maintain the seriousness of it all”.
Here’s the thing. Being a dom doesn’t have to be all serious!
If your natural personality is to crack jokes, have a laugh, and be laid back then incorporate that into your dominant style. Not everyone has to adopt the stone-cold, emotionless expressions of Christian Grey from 50 Shades.
So stop trying to make your personality fit the image you have of a dom, and craft your own version based on your personality.
Mistake 2: Do something because another dom does it
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Closely related to your dominant persona is WHAT you choose to do with your submissive. Once again, feel free to get ideas from websites such as mine, from porn videos, or from erotic fiction.
But know that you don’t have to do all of those things. Porn tends to focus heavily on the S&M Dungeon Master style of being a dom, and neglect the more sensual styles that are out there (I guess what you might call romantic dominance).
For example, if you’re a bit of a nerd, then role-play might be your thing. Dress up as a wizard and cast a spell on your elfish sub (sorry, that’s the best I could come up with!)
If you’re a studious engineer, then you might love building your own BDSM furniture or sex toys and have your submissive be your testing guinea pig.
If you’re a diligent artist then you might enjoy Shibari, and take great pleasure in tying your submissive up with beautiful knots, to then photograph and hang your art.
The thing to remember about being a dom is it is less about WHAT you do, and more about HOW you do it.
The simplest of actions can be done in a way which makes them dominant.
A kiss for example. A light tug of the hair, a throat stroke, a long stare into her face with a slight smirk before you pull her in, then a push away as you saunter off to carry on with your day. That’s just one example of making something you do every day into a dominant action which’ll get your submissive’s heart pounding and mind wandering.
Mistake 3: Attempting to control every aspect of your submissive’s life
There are some dom and subs who enjoy this style of relationship. But it isn’t a dynamic I recommend if you are just starting out. People who do will have started slowly and have lots of experience, plus trust in their partner.
If you attempt to control everything your submissive does you are likely to end up in one of two situations, both of which are bad:
- You’ll be overwhelmed. There are so many choices to make for her every day. It takes a lot of effort to make them for yourself let alone for two. Plus if you don’t know your submissive very well (for example if you have just started dating) you won’t know what choices to make for her.
- You’ve come across as too controlling. Being too controlling is not a quality you want as a dom. You might think it is, but trust me, it isn’t a good thing. Yes, you are controlling some aspects of your submissive’s behaviour by asking them to do things for you, giving them commands and so on, but you are never forcing them to do something they have not consented to or is bad for them. A dominant is there to encourage good behaviour through motivation and discipline (as well as for his own pleasure), not to control for the other person for the sake of it.
Your submissive should still be treated with the upmost respect (unless you’re into humiliation and degradation and you are acting out a scene that has been consented to), listened to, and her thoughts and feelings considered when you make your decisions.
Mistake 4: Not communicating well
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. Being a good dominant requires excellent communication skills.
Some dominants are so preoccupied in what THEY are going to do, or how THEY should be acting they completely forget that one of the easiest ways to know what you should be doing more of is to ask!
Ask your submissive what she enjoys, what she consents to, and incorporate that into your play. If you don’t ask, or ask in a way which implies and sort of judgement then you won’t get an honest answer, and you’ll be none the wiser.
Be prepared to hear hard truths. All those orgasms you thought you’d been giving her? Turns out she’s faking it and really doesn’t enjoy it when you’re too rough with her.
But hear it you must, because it allows you to change your style, compromise, and focus on what you both DO enjoy.
Schedule time to sit and talk to your submissive when you’re not in a sexual scenario on a regular basis. Ask what you can do more of, what you should do less of, and be prepared to answer the same questions back.
Reconfirm what you are doing is being consented to, and if there’s anything else you could try together than would make things even hotter? Does she have a favourite porn scene or has she read a recent erotic novel that got her going and she’d love to show you, but hasn’t because you’ve never asked?
The other day my sub and I ate breakfast together on a Sunday morning watching an Italian dom on Pornhub restraining a number of submissives and slapping their asses and pussies in a variety of different ways. We both agreed it was too sadistic for our tastes, but it still got the juices flowing (so to speak) and sparked some creative ideas for us to try.
Mistake 5: Trying to do it all at once and be perfect
You will never get things right straight away, especially if you try and do everything at once. So focus your attention in a particular area and practise that.
If you’re a complete beginner who’s only sexual experience so far has been the missionary position, then try doggy!
If you’re a doggy pro and have slapped a woman’s ass a couple of times, then try a light spanking session.
If you’ve done both of those, then practise tying your sub up before you have sex with her.
If that’s all been ticked off, how about teasing her with toys, or getting started with anal training.
And then you can specialise in niche things which really get you going.
Notice how each activity builds on the previous, like climbing a ladder rung by rung. As you step onto each rung, the trust and experience between yourself and your partner increases, helping you reach towards the next rung. And so you continue on until you’ve completed everything you wanted to do on your sex menu!
Avoiding the common mistakes dominants make
Now you know some of the mistakes beginner doms make, you’re in a better position to avoid them. For even more useful information for a beginner dom, make sure you sign up to the newsletter and head over to the Dominants Start Here page.