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Nervous about dominating a submissive for the first time? Then you’ve come to the right place.
These ten tips will give you some things to consider as you explore the word of BDSM. I can’t possibly give you all the tips you need in a single article, but they will ensure you get a good headstart.
1. Get consent
You should not be performing any sexual activity with anyone who is not a consenting adult. This is even more true in a situation involving BDSM which is higher risk than regular sex.
Before you start your fun as the dominant partner, make sure both you and your partner are into it. Do you both want a dominant-submissive relationship where the the submissive partner must relinquish control to the more dominant party? If this doesn’t excite both of you, then stop what you are doing and re-think.
2. Set a safeword
Also remember that consent can be withdrawn at any moment by either partner. Many people may think they want to explore their submissive side, but realise mid-way through it isn’t for them. That’s absolutely fine, and one of the reasons a safeword is a must.
As the dominant partner in a power exchange relationship, you MUST respect the safe word and stop all activity. Similarly, the submissive should not joke around or use the safeword if he or she doesn’t truly mean it.
3. Watch for subspace
Subspace occurs when the submissive person in the power dynamic enters a trance-like state caused by the natural chemicals released by the body during stress combined with pleasure. I’ve noticed my female submissives go into different types of subspace, but common signs include inability to speak or move, being still, quiet or non-responsive, closing their eyes, not properly hearing what is being said, and generally looking a bit dozy.
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I haven’t interacted with male submissives, but I suspect the effects of subspace are similar.
As the dominant person, you should continually watch the body language of your submissive, and guage the different levels of subspace your partner goes through.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with subspace – in fact if you are able to put your submissive into subspace it means you’re doing great – but it can become a risk if your partner is no longer able to communicate to you that things have gotten too much.
My sub, for example, wouldn’t be able to say her safeword whilst in subspace.
4. Use dominant positions
People often warm up to the idea of Dom-sub relationships because they enjoy sexual domination and sexual submission in the bedroom. The easiest way to make submissive women or men feel that way is to use dominant positions during sex. As a male dominant the classic positions are doggy or any sexual position where your female submissive feels your physical power.
If you are a female dominant with a male sub, then dominant positions for you might be when you are on top, or he is on all fours and you are behind him.
Basically, any position which amplifies the power dynamic is great.
5. Keep things simple
Don’t think you have to know everything before you get started. Keep it simple, and take pleasure from the little things.
For example, the simple act of stroking someone’s hair could be done in a dominant way, and help put your partner into a submissive role.
Don’t bring out all your toys and try advanced techniques like rope bondage, flogging, whipping, slapping, rough anal, or consensual non-consent on your first try.
Take it slow.
Communicate continuously throughout. The person in the dominant role takes responsibility for checking their submissive partner is happy and enjoying being dominated.
It’s rare that you will communicate too much, so talk, and also rely on the non-verbal clues your partner is giving off.
7. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not
You don’t have to be the stereotypical alpha males (if that even is a thinig) to engage in a dom/sub relationship. There are so many different types of dominant out there, you just need to find the style that is right for you.
So when you play with your submissive, don’t think you have to put on an act. Be yourself, just accentuate those aspects of yourself you would consider more dominant.
8. Give good aftercare
After your BDSM scene is complete, provide aftercare. Aftercare is exactly what it sounds like – caring for your submissive as he or she recovers from the pleasure, pain, or whatever experience you have put them through.
Bear in mind that your partner may still be in subspace as her body recovers. Subs need different things during aftercare, but I haven’t met one who would object to a nice cuddle and soft stroking for 5-10 minutes.
Have some water and a sugary snack on hand just in case, as the rush of chemicals in the body may cause a crash, and the sugar will come in handy.
9. Dominant sex doesn’t equal a full on dominant/submissive relationship
Just because you engaged in dominant and submission in the bedroom, does not automatically mean you are now in a BDSM relationship, just like having regular sex with someone doesn’t mean you are now boyfriend and girlfriend.
Domination and submission in the bedroom is often as far as it goes for many people. And that’s totally fine!
Again, this is where communication is so important. Talk to your partner and figure out if they want to extend the dominance and submission to other areas of your life.
I should point out there are plenty of D/s couple who don’t engage in sex at all – all of there power dynamic is outside of the bedroom. But I’m assuming people reading this article are interested in their first D/s encounter being during sex.
10. Don’t worry if it wasn’t incredible
The first time rarely is, right?
You can’t be expected to be a proficient dominant on your first attempt having had no practise.
You may not even fully understand your core desires or what makes you tick yet.
Any that’s perfectly okay.
Don’t rush it. Take things slow. Be okay with it not being perfect.
Dominating a submissive for the first time can be a nerve-wracking experience, especially if the submissive has lots of experience and you don’t.
Hopefully the tips above will help ease some of those nerves, but if you want to become a completely confident dominant, then check out my book Sensational Scenes. It’ll give you my complete formula for taking any submissive on an incredible mental and physical experience they won’t forget.