You and your Dominant have been texting up a storm. They talk about tying you up to the bedposts and having their way with you. Your heart flutters as you think of the ways you can resist or serve. Heaven surrounds you when you think about the look on their face as they command you around.
Everything seems great on paper (or your phone screen), but when showtime rolls around, you get a swift slap on the ass before some normal vanilla sex. Barely even a “good girl” before everything comes to a screeching halt.
If you are just starting out with BDSM, it can feel daunting to try and figure out your scenes. You can see it so clearly in your head but there’s a disconnect between your dreams and your real life.
Buying toys or some gadgets could seem like the fix, and it could help spark something. However, I know the scenes of your dreams. You want to say a magic word that sets your Dom off spiraling into the need to control you. You want to be bent over the kitchen counter and begging for more. Further, introducing a new toy to an already awkward scene might just clutter things up more.
The road to bridging this gap isn’t as difficult as you might think, but it also isn’t as exciting as what you see in porn or read in erotica. You’re new and that’s ok. It just means that right now won’t be your best work. You’re learning something for the first time and it can feel silly or even downright embarrassing if you get it wrong.
To help our scenes flow, we need to understand where the block is.
The main reasons your scenes aren’t flowing are fear of embarrassment and not knowing what to do next.
You find that you’re afraid to take action and you might look silly. Once you take an action, you’re unsure of what to do next. The tips below will help you overcome these blocks.
1. Start Small
You have big fantasies and even bigger dildos waiting for you. I get it. You’re eager to get going, you’ve read so much, and you want to dive in headfirst.
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Starting small will mean something different for everyone. To find out what it means to you, go over your fantasy scene in your head. Now, pick one thing from your fantasy that excites you the most and only do that in your next session.
I hear you. Only one? But that’s impossible! I wanted to get choked, tied up, and spanked! (Don’t we all?) However, if you and your partner are just starting out with this dynamic, you need time to get comfortable with the basics.
You also need time to get comfortable with your limits. You might think you’ll be ok with something only to find out it’s actually a hard limit for you.
Here are some ways to start small:
- Light choking while making out
- Pinning sub’s arms down
- Tying up hands
- Hair pulling
If you are already doing these things and feel comfortable with them, I have some good news for you; you have already been intuitively starting small. In fact, you can go ahead and bring things up to the next level.
For the next level of starting small, introduce some dialogue. This is where most people get hung up and worried about embarrassing themselves.
The key here is to keep it small. Don’t go off on a monologue. Start with a few simple phrases and keep practicing until they feel natural.
For subs, you can try a simple “Yes, Daddy” on for size. Or light up your scene with a classic “Make me” and see what trouble you get into.
Doms can try on a soft “Do as I say…” and simply state a small instruction for your sub.
Even though you are starting small, don’t forget to bring in something new. Your aim is to get better at the things you are unfamiliar with.
If you are an experienced rope rigger, think about more dialogue you can add. On the opposite side, if you are dialogue-heavy, think about trying some physical punishments.
2. Stage it out
You are feeling comfortable with a couple of phrases and actions in your tool kit. Your Dom chokes you and commands you around and you are ‘Yes, Daddy’-ing with the best of them.
The dynamic between the two of you is beginning to feel more natural and now you are ready for some actual scenes!
Way before a hand touches a single butt cheek, you need to stage out your scene. A simple rundown of events is plenty enough, no need to write out a whole play.
When staging things out, it’s important to rely on the things you have built in the previous steps. Staging things out is a time when you are stringing the pieces you have together to form a larger new thing.
Keep your scene simple.
That doesn’t mean refraining from trying new things. Instead, it means to not try so many new things that your scene gets bogged down.
Build the skeleton of your scene and go from there. Your imagination is your best friend. Don’t fill in all the gaps, simply give a bulleted list of events you want.
The only true way to get better at anything is to practice. This is the boring truth behind any great success. We wish to rely on talent and spontaneity, but practice is the only thing that can truly improve things.
The more you rehearse, the more natural your role will feel. The more you learn your partner’s reactions, the more in sync you become.
After enough practice with staged scenes, you will get to the level of more spontaneous scenes. Not only are you practicing what to say and do, but you are also practicing your dynamic in action. Learning when your partner has had enough and needs a break, or what type of bratty remark gets the reaction you crave.