If you are currently in a D/s relationship, at this point you and your partner have taken the time to navigate what works best for you. Punishments and rewards have been agreed upon.
Protocols and rituals have been put in place. Limits, both hard and soft, have been established. A contract has been agreed upon and signed.
As time passes, suddenly something does not feel quite right.
One or both of you seems unhappy or unfulfilled even though you are living the D/s life that you both need so badly.
What is the problem?
A Dom/sub relationship evolves
Though the D/s lifestyle, particularly if you are living it 24/7, requires structure it also needs to be considered that the contract you drew up and the framework of your dynamic are not written in stone.
To me, this is part of the beauty of this type of relationship.
It takes work, and more importantly, it requires communication.
A year ago, my Dominant and I spent months going over why we wanted to become a 24/7 D/s couple and how to craft this dynamic to perfectly fit us.
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We went through a class. We completed worksheets. We spent hours having open and honest conversations about expectations, needs, and all the details that would benefit our relationship.
We experimented with different types of bondage and impact play to find what we truly enjoyed.
He collared me, and we were both ecstatic! I eagerly waited by the door for Him in the evening.
Once our children were in bed, He would leash me and put me on my knees.
I adored pleasing him!
When he was at work, I would send him pictures to show off how well I had done my assigned chores. I would send after shower photos per his request. The most menial task gave me joy as I knew I was making Him happy. I could see a change in Him as his confidence increased in all facets of His life.
It was amazing!
After a while, things began to shift
There were many nights where he would come home, and we would simply watch Netflix before he was off to bed. Leash time was no longer happening.
I found myself acting bratty in an attempt to get Him to punish me. Instead, my behavior was frustrating Him and pushing Him away. This was creating a resentment in both of us where neither felt as if they were good enough. Things had broken down quickly.
Occasionally I would bring this up to Him and ask for a little time in the evening to spend focusing on our dynamic. This led to a number of enjoyable scenes, but something still felt off. We weren’t throwing ourselves into things with the enthusiasm that we had in the beginning.
Changes were needed, and now!
Slowly, we began to let our walls down again and approach this without becoming defensive or blaming one another. We went back to the very root of any successful Dominant and submissive dynamic: communication.
It cannot be stated enough how important it is to be completely honest with your partner. Even though they know you better than anyone else, people evolve, as do their needs, wants, likes and so forth.
To not acknowledge this, as we learned first-hand, can be disastrous.
He told me that it had become more difficult for Him to find proper punishments for me.
In the past, He could take a paddle across my butt and my shuddering let Him know that I was regretting the choices I had made that led up to it.
Recently though, I was clearly enjoying myself, and therefore was being rewarded for misbehaving. My bratty side had gotten out of hand and had become discouraging to Him.
By acting out, I was in fact working against the very thing we were aiming to accomplish. Rewards had also become a difficult subject.
He wanted to offer me small rewards for daily tasks that were expected of me but was unsure as to what those should be. I let Him know that it was this lack of structure that was having a negative effect on me, and I acknowledged that I had been approaching things the wrong way.
Over the past few weeks, He has created a new schedule for me, purchased small treats that will be given to me on occasions where He feels that I have deserved them, and begun to restructure my punishments.
I have been working on being less bratty. We have taken the time to go out to places where we can be open about our dynamic. I love being put in a harness and taken out to a place where I can call him Daddy without fear of judgement!
When I tell Him that I have completed my tasks for the day, my heart swells to hear Him tell me that I am a good girl.
Despite the great improvements, my biggest take away from this experience has been this:Our dynamic will never survive if we expect things to always be exactly as they were when we first began. It is always changing.
How to avoid a breakdown in your Dom sub relationship
There are actions you can take in order to avoid the deterioration of your dynamic.
1. Always keep the conversation going
If either the Dominant or the submissive realizes that something no longer works for them, it is best to discuss this before it begins to take a toll. Avoiding the topic is not going to help either of you. It needs to be addressed.
2. Review your contract
How often this step is needed will vary from person to person. It is possible that you only feel the need to go over your contract once a year, or you may require check ins more often.
Regardless, it is important to take a look at your contract together, even if just as a refresher. You may both decide that things are perfect for you as they are, or you may see the need for alterations.
Respecting the changing nature of your dynamic will allow the two of you to grow together and continue to live you best D/s life both in and out of the bedroom, and I know everyone wants to have more of those sensational scenes.