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A reader wrote to me about her struggles to decide if she is a sub or not. Below is my response. I include it here to help anyone else who might have similar questions and wondering if a Dom/sub dynamic is for them.
I thought/ hoped that I was a submissive, and some results tell me that I am and yet others tell me that i’m not a sub at all and I’m rather confused.
I used to think that I was just a very childish grown up, until someone mentioned that I may be a ‘little’, but from what I understand about littles or subspace is that it’s part of the whole BDSM thing?
And yet i’ve just always been like this, I love to blow bubbles, colour in pictures, watch ‘kids’ shows, and I find a lot of adult things beyond me or even downright boring- but isn’t that just being ‘ a big kid’?
I must admit though, the idea/ some of the activities of BDSM do sound really hot, I have no idea if i’d actually do them in real life.
For example, when reading, going on adventures sounds wonderful, but having to go on an actual adevnture sounds scary. Perhaps it is the same for some of the things I think i’d enjoy in BDSM?
Sorry, I know this must be a vexing e-mail, and why don’t i just try things and see? Well, truth is, I’m 29 and iIve never been in any kind of relationship, sexually or otherwise. I’ve never even dated or kissed anyone. What I know of relationships and sex comes from books and wonderfully written stories.
So, I don’t actually know what i’d like, how I’d react or even if it’d be what i expected at all.
And since some tests say ‘yes you’re a sub’ and then others say ‘boo, you’re not’, i don’t really know what to think.
Am I somehow a fake sub? Or maybe i only think i’m a sub/ i’d like to be a sub, but i’m not sub material after all.
Sorry, I tend to wind myself up in knots (not a rigger joke! XD) with my own anxieties.
I don’t have any friends who i can talk to about this, and as mentioned, don’t have a partner/ boyfriend or anything to try stuff with, so I was just hoping that you might be able to help?– S
I’ll caveat this by saying don’t take my words as gospel – I don’t know everything by any means, and every person is different. However, I can share some thoughts, and just maybe you’ll find them helpful.
Yes, you are correct that acting younger than your age is known as Age-Play, and something that some Littles engage in. Littles don’t always act younger than their age though – some just like being taken care of, looked after, and having decisions made for them.
For example, my sub likes drawing, writing lines, creating pictures, and during sex, we roleplay Daddy/daughter, Teacher/student type scenarios which we both find hot (because it is so wrong and so taboo – that’s what makes it a turn-on for us). She would probably describe herself more as a ‘Middle’ – a teenage Little if you want, rather than a toddler or young baby (which is a kink for some people).
And yes, all of this is part of BDSM. It fits into the D/s part of BDSM because a Little (the sub) is effectively role-playing being cared for by an adult (the Dom) which creates a power dynamic.
You mention the idea of some BDSM activities turning you on, but you don’t mention which. Really, the main way to discover what you enjoy is to watch porn, read erotica, read articles, study your fantasies, and perhaps ultimately try a few things out! (although you don’t have to try them out; you could be a sub without a partner who just enjoys the fantasy of it – that’s perfectly fine too. There’s no right or wrong to this. Sexuality is a complex thing and who are we to say what a person should and shouldn’t find a turn on, provided it is all consensual of course).
As an example, I didn’t know that I enjoyed a service-orientated style of submissive who would do things for me around the house until an ex-girlfriend said she wanted to. We tried it out, and I really enjoyed it. As a result, I discovered something about my Dom personality, and my wants and desires evolved. I continue to learn what I like and dislike to this day.
So, back to your question. If you think you might like it, then you probably do! And that’s okay. There’s no need to label it as D/s or BDSM or ‘being a Little’ if you don’t want to. In fact, labels often put us in boxes that don’t let us grow.
No, you are not a Fake Sub. These tests and quizzes are not meant to be 100% accurate. They are just a bit of fun or to help signpost you in the right direction. So never think you are ‘not sub material’.
The question to ask yourself really is – do you want to be in a relationship (or fantasise about being in a relationship) where you voluntarily give up some of the power, control, or decision-making process in some area of your life (could be just in bed during sex, or it could be outside the bedroom, or both!) to someone you trust because it will make you feel better in some way?
If the answer is yes, then I would classify you as wanting a D/s dynamic of some sort. Welcome to the club! 🙂
Do you have a question? Write to me.