The one question a beginner dominant should ask themselves is, why am I doing this?
If you are a dominant because you want to take rather than give, you might want to re-think your approach.
What do I mean by that?
A dominant is asking someone to voluntarily submit to them.
The motives as to why they want that submission matter.
If they are entirely self-serving, with no regard for the well-being or needs of the submissive, then you’re doing it wrong.
That isn’t being a dom.
That’s being an idiot.
In a vanilla relationship, you should be kind and considerate to your partner. In a BDSM or dom sub relationship the need for this is amplified.
Your submissive is more likely to comply with what you are asking her to do, or listen when you offer advice, and therefore it vital you are not solely focussing on what you can get from the relationship.
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You should not become a dominant because you want a partner:
- to be your doormat
- to do everything you say, never complain,
- to never stand up to you
- to never question your decisions
- to never offer offer YOU advice or give you suggestions
It’s not all like the movies
The reality of dom sub relationships is that for the majority of the time they look like any other relationship.
You talk to the person, go on walks, eat out at restaurants, support your partner with any issues they are having, meet up with friends.
You know, all the usual stuff.
Unfortunately, movies (and porn) featuring BDSM, particularly the dominance and submission aspects, often give the wrong impression that the dynamic is entirely one-sided, and any answering back from the submissive should be immediately punished.
- The dead-eyed dom with no emotion who fucks his submissive
roughly and provides no aftercare once he’s had his way with her.
- The dom who is jealous and manipulative, stalking his submissive, and preventing her from having a life beyond him.
- The dom who controls aspects of her life she doesn’t want controlled.
Let me make it clear once and for all – that is not what being a dominant is all about.
Reduce the self-serving
We don’t like being around people who are self-serving.
We feel used and hurt when we discover people we looked up and trusted were only using us to achieve their own objectives, and quickly learn to avoid those types of people in the future.
Everyone is a little self serving for sure.
We have to be to survive in the world.
But there’s a way to do it whilst also helping others achieve something too. To make sure they are getting something from the exchange.
So if that’s a part of our everyday moral code, to treat others with respect, and go after what we want whilst not destroying others in the process, why would a dom sub relationship be any different?
Yet for some reason, when it comes to domination and sex, people tend to forget all these. They think “Oh here’s someone who is submissive, and therefore that gives me the right to boss them about before I’ve got to know them, before they trust me, and I’ll do it all without any regard for that person’s wellbeing”.
Just because a power dynamic has been introduced it does not make the need to look out for each other evaporate. Quite the opposite. It should be more prevalent and at the forefront of the dominant’s mind, knowing that the submissive is more susceptible to being taken advantage of.
You must respect your submissive, not treat them like a fuck doll (even though lots of submissives enjoy that during a scene).
So remember, as you delve into the world of dominance and submission, ask yourself “Why do I want to be a dominant?”.
If the answer only involves you gratifying yourself sexually or putting yourself in a self-appointed position of power purely for an ego boost, I recommend you stay away from this lifestyle.
If, on the other hand, you want to treat it as any other relationship, where you care about your partner, with the additional benefit of elements of consensual power play inside or outside the bedroom, you’ll be welcomed with open arms.