In this podcast episode, Chief and Moineau discuss the Dual Control Model of sexual response, and take the sexual temperament quiz from Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are. Follow along and complete the quiz yourself, learn about sexual exciters and inhibitors, and how they can influence your sexual arousal, and impact your relationship.
Click play below to listen to the episode.
[00:00:19] Chief: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Conversations with a Dom, with me, Chief, and Moineau.
[00:00:26] Today, we’re going to be doing a sexual temperament quiz from the book Come as You Are. Now, I’ve read this book before. Moineau you haven’t read it. Have you, but we went to a talk recently called let’s talk about sex run by the Fox Den and that was based in London. And they had an academic there who studies sex and a
[00:00:51] Moineau: sexologist clinical
[00:00:55] Chief: clinical psychologist, official title. Hope we got that right. But, um, yeah, they, they were particularly interested in this. And so the talk was about how do we better communicate about sex? Well, our selves, first of all, um, because sex education tends to be absolutely terrible, certainly in England.
[00:01:12] And, um, also more importantly, how do we talk about it with our partners? And so a few of the resources were mentioned and come as you are, especially if you’re a vagina owner, uh, is, is a, is a really good book.
[00:01:26] Moineau: I’ve not read it yet. I’ve heard about it. And lots of people will reference it in BDSM forums and things like that as a good resource, just for overall general sexual knowledge.
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[00:01:37] Um, and yeah, it is quite this shame that we don’t have these sorts of resources readily available in our sexual education systems.
[00:01:48] Chief: I think it, the summary for me, and again, I’ll caveat this by saying I read it about five or six years ago, but the summary for me is. Uh, a lot of people think that they are somehow broken if they can’t orgasm or there’s something wrong with them.
[00:02:04] And so this book is about giving you some insight into why you may not be able to orgasm with a partner, but you can orgasm on your own psychology behind it, the psychology behind it. Exactly. And some exercises, which will help you figure out why that might be, but also just help you relax because you’re like, oh, okay.
[00:02:25] Yes, this describes me. And then you realize, oh, actually there’s nothing wrong with me. And even if you can’t always live with a partner, that’s absolutely fine. Orgasm is not the be-all and end-all of
[00:02:35] Moineau: sex. It’s ex it’s important to accept your sort of sexual nature.
[00:02:41] Chief: Yeah. A hundred percent. Yes. Yes. So one of these quizzes in the book.
[00:02:48] It’s a very short quiz. It’s called the, what was it called? Sexual
[00:02:50] Moineau: temperamental,
[00:02:51] Chief: actual temperament questionnaire. And so one of the core philosophies of the book or the principles is something called the Dual control model and the Dual control model. I’m going to very badly paraphrase this, but in essence, it’s saying that we have accelerators.
[00:03:10] So these are things that turn us on and they make us feel aroused. And we also have brakes. Brakes are things that stop us from becoming aroused. They’re not necessarily turnoffs, but they’re things that either, uh, generally mentally stop us from experiencing the turn, the term, the accelerators fully. So in order to become sexually aroused and potentially orgasm, you have to maximize the accelerators, but also minimize the breaks.
[00:03:43] And I think sometimes people make the mistake of. Pushing hard on the accelerators, completely forgetting to take off the brakes and that causes problems. So a classic example would be, uh, you’re having sex. So obviously someone’s touching you. So that’s an accelerator for you potentially. And at the same time, you’ve realized you’re worried that you’ve left the stove on or you’ve, you’ve left the cold.
[00:04:10] Your feet are colds. Uh, there’s a bad smell or you’re, you’re feeling insecure about the way you look or exactly. So all of these things, they’re not turnoffs, but they’re things that are stopping you psychologically from fully experiencing that accelerator and to have the maximum sexual pleasure you, you can, you have to take in into consideration both.
[00:04:35] And that’s why I think, um, it’s very easy, easier for people to orgasm on their own when they must’ve eating play with themselves, because generally there are less brakes. You’re not worried about how the person’s thinking or what they’re doing. You can control the environment a lot better. Uh, you’re relaxed, you know, the space, et cetera, et cetera.
[00:04:53] And so generally you can come really quick. Well, I speaking for some people, yeah, you can enjoy, you can fully get into it. So we’re going to do this quiz and this quiz, uh, you can follow along at home. We’re going to read out the questions. There’s only five questions in each section, and it’ll give you a score as to whether your brakes are, uh, how sensitive they are.
[00:05:16] So are they low, medium, or high, and also how sensitive your accelerators are. And as we go through, we’re going to talk about the questions and, um, uh, see what we get sounds great. All right, so let’s kick off .
[00:05:31] We’ve already done this quiz. Um, we’ve, we’ve got our answers in front of us, but I’m gonna read out the questions and then we’ll talk about why we gave each each one. So the first one is called, uh, I’m going to refer to it as SIS. So these are sexual inhibitors, same as brakes. I’m just using different language for them.
[00:05:48] Each question we give ourselves a score from zero to four. Zero is not at all. Like me. One is not much like the two is somewhat like me. Three is a lot, like me and four is exactly like me. So think about it in terms of that. So the first question is, unless things are just right, it is difficult for me to become sexually aroused.
[00:06:13] Now I gave myself a score of not much like me, uh, things don’t have to be. Perfect for me to become aroused.
[00:06:24] Moineau: I gave myself a two, somewhat like me. I don’t think they have things have to be just right. However, I know that if there are some things in my environment or in my thoughts that are like trickling in that it’s going to be much more of a challenge for me to become sexually aroused.
[00:06:46] Chief: Yes, for sure. Um, and do you make a note of your score if you’re, if you’re writing this down at home, because you’ll add up the points at the end to give yourself a kind of put yourself in a category. Um, number two, when I am sexually aroused, the slightest thing can turn me off. I put a one as well for there.
[00:07:07] So not much like me.
[00:07:09] Moineau: I also put a one, uh, especially because the slightest thing, I think. Um, perhaps it’s the nuance, the language quiz has always taken a lot of time for me to fill out because of that. But I don’t think I will become turned off if I am already aroused. Just because of something going on outside of what I’m doing currently, it doesn’t have to be the slightest thing.
[00:07:37] Like it doesn’t have to be that thought of, oh, did I take my washing out of the dryer? That’s not going to, not that I have a dryer him and I wish no, but that’s not going to take me out of arousal. Um, because I’m already feeling aroused, but I mean, there might be
[00:07:56] Chief: something it is. Yeah, I guess it depends what it means by the slightest thing.
[00:08:02] So I tell you a funny story. I’m not sure if I told you this, uh, I, this was maybe 10 years ago and someone, a woman who had been on a few dates. And she came back to mine and, um, we, we got naked we’re on the beds and then. Uh, she took, uh, she took off her socks and she had the worst smelling feet, literally, even though her feet were down on the other end of the bed.
[00:08:29] And I, I just, that was an instant turn of, I was just like, continue,
[00:08:34] Moineau: actually. I think that would probably turn me off as well, because yeah, scents are, so I feel quite aware of sense when I am aroused and sometimes I feel like I can, you know, I’m more aware of myself and how I’m smelling. Like maybe I need to have taken a shower, like right before something, you get set of your sweaty as you’re going.
[00:08:52] And I feel self conscious about that, but yeah, the smelly feet
[00:08:55] Chief: that’s, but it wasn’t as, I guess the question is the slightest thing was that it wasn’t really a slight thing. It was quite, it was quite big. It was. Being in a cheese factory and
[00:09:08] Moineau: it
[00:09:08] Chief: was horrible. So yes, people wash your feet before you fall. You go on a date and breath brass, do please freshen your breath.
[00:09:18] Before we go on a date, it’s very easy. That, that, that turns me off actually
[00:09:23] Moineau: instantly. It’s hard in the morning. You know, sometimes I still feel boring. If
[00:09:29] Chief: you, if you meet someone in your illiteracy, it’s the first day they come from. If you, especially, if you organize dates in the evening, I just take a toothbrush with you or take some chewing gum or something.
[00:09:42] Just always just be over. But I think for a lot of people lays a bit as well. Okay. Question. Uh, number three, I have, and this is half is tell TeleSign I have to trust a partner to become fully arrived. What did I put? I put a zero, not at all like me. Remember the scale? Not of like me. One is not much like me for those people who are following along two is someone like me.
[00:10:10] Three is a lot by me. Four is exactly like me. So I put not at all like me. Um,
[00:10:16] Moineau: the reasoning behind that, I think he likes sex parties or,
[00:10:22] Chief: yeah. I mean, I don’t know why I’m not, I’m not giving them a wallet. I’m not
[00:10:29] Moineau: giving an intimate part of, I
[00:10:32] Chief: guess, I guess.
[00:10:34] Ah, it’s difficult. So I think because, because I’m a guy and I’m quite big, I there’s nothing safety-wise that I’m fearing. So I’m not, I don’t have to trust someone because it’s not like I’m worried that they’re. Um, sexually assault me or overpower me. So yes, STIs are a big one, which is why you should always be used protection, obviously.
[00:11:01] But otherwise, otherwise it’s fine. Otherwise, cause yeah, I mean, if I thought they was super dodgy, but even then if I, if I fancy, as long as they’re not going to physically harm me or like steal away my money or something.
[00:11:16] Moineau: Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:11:19] Chief: So I think I read this as I have to fully trust someone.
[00:11:22] Right. So as long as I kind of trust them and I get, I think, do I have a connection with them and I get on with them?
[00:11:28] Moineau: Yeah. Okay. Okay. I put it to that. It’s someone like me, I think perhaps. Um, I don’t know, from my own experience, which is not much, but even if we’re in a play party sort of situation, I don’t want to play with just anyone because I don’t know them.
[00:11:48] And I think knowing someone even just like, as an, as an acquaintance, or like getting to know someone over the course of an evening that does help to build a small foundation of trust that I can then use to potentially play with them. But I do consider myself to be more demisexual. I have to know the person to be sexually attracted to the person in the first place.
[00:12:15] So I think for me, trust it becomes more of a factor because that’s part of getting to know someone and building some sort of rapport with them. I need to have some sort of relationship with them. I can’t just like. Go full on anonymous sex, you know, at a party. Like I still would vouch them in some way, even if that is potentially just through you, because I trust my relationship with you.
[00:12:42] So then if you are bringing someone in to our play space, then that’s, that’s different because yeah. You’ve done the vetting. Yeah. So then it’s, it’s fine.
[00:12:52] Chief: You know, I think that’s the difference, you know, maybe sexualities in that you, you like to really get to know someone or at least, uh, you want a connection with them and obviously you wouldn’t, you probably wouldn’t want to meet that with someone you don’t trust.
[00:13:06] So the trust is implied by that. Whereas for me, you know, I have fantasies about it being totally anonymous, you know, not necessarily glory hole, but. It’s like an anonymous. One of them is like, it’s just in a swimming pool. You’re like, oh, they just necessarily poor you. Spot someone across the way, never spoken to them.
[00:13:26] And he just like, he’s like making eye contact across the swimming pool. And then you just swim up to the meet in the middle. Um,
[00:13:35] Moineau: I mean, I do have fantasies about a glory hole sort of situations, you know, like the pussy glory halls or whatever, where it’s just like,
[00:13:44] Chief: yeah. Have you seen,
[00:13:47] Moineau: have you seen that?
[00:13:49] Like, oh, unfortunately, you know, it’s not like a hole where your cock goes through, but it’s like, yeah. The pussy gets exposed. I do quite like that as a fantasy. I do think about that sometimes, but I assume that all those anonymous people that I cannot see have already been vetted through my dominant. So actually, so I can still, like, I don’t clarify it within my own fantasy, but I do know that like, if I want it to be that situation in reality, which it is kind of a thought of mine, but it would be something that’s already pre-vetted.
[00:14:21] So then it doesn’t matter. If I can’t see the person who’s touching me and who’s turned me on because I already know that it’s going to be somebody who has been
[00:14:30] Chief: yes, potentially. Yeah. Anyway. Okay. Next question. Uh, we’re on number four here, but we’re still on the SIS or the inhibitors. These are the brakes.
[00:14:41] Uh, number four, I am worried about taking too long to become aroused or to orgasm. This can interfere with my arousal. I put not much like me. I’ll caveat this by saying at sex parties, it’s different at sex parties when I’m one-on-one with someone. Absolutely fine. Uh, I mean like all guys has been maybe a couple of occasions where I haven’t been able to get hard probably because something was going on.
[00:15:08] I’m not sure what some sort of break, but at parties I do struggle to get hard and it’s odd because, um, I feel totally relaxed when I’m there. Cause I’ve been to enough of them, but there’s obviously some psychological pressure to, it’s not even perform because you can just be sitting there and you can’t get hard.
[00:15:32] So I think it’s
[00:15:33] Moineau: just like a general sort of vague anxiety that you can’t place. Perhaps.
[00:15:38] Chief: I think it’s, I get turned on by people watching me, but it’s almost like, oh shit. Okay. They’re watching me. So I need to get ready. But
[00:15:48] Moineau: it’s more of a speed factor for you perhaps like cause performance, anxiety, I think would kind of fall under that.
[00:15:56] Chief: Yeah, I guess. So it may just be that I’m I am. So my head is. I’m just enjoying looking around and I’m enjoying, so I’m quite externalized. I’m not really necessarily in my body. It’s more cerebral. Yeah. I’m more just taking it all in. And, and that is, and I’m kind of always wondering what’s going on around us.
[00:16:21] And what’s interesting is that I thought I’d solve it by taking some, uh, I went mentioned the brand or should I? Yeah, not that one, but the, the follow-up one, which doesn’t keep you hard all the time. It’s just, it’s only meant to be key hard when you’re aroused and it lasts 48 hours.
[00:16:38] Anyway, it’s meant to make you hard. Had no effect. Absolutely. No thanks. Because, because again, this isn’t a physical problem. This isn’t the fact that, uh, my cock doesn’t work it’s that, uh, that I just there’s something psychologically going on.
[00:16:55] And what’s interesting is then literally the moment I get home super hard and too hard it’s because they’re taking this pill too hard. That actually hurts. So, um,
[00:17:07] Moineau: yes, I think that’s important though, with this questionnaire, I mean these brakes and, accelerators, they are very much mental and I think that’s what you learn as you go through the questions is that it’s not because there’s something wrong with you physiologically. It’s actually learning to accept that in our brains, we have moments that we can turn ourselves off because of whatever’s going on in our thoughts and that affects our body
[00:17:38] Chief: and they can be, yeah, they can be both. I think a lot of them moments, or some of them can be physical. Like my feet are cold or that person smells.
[00:17:46] Um, but yes, a lot of them are, tend to be us thinking about what the other person thinks of us working or experience shame, or it could be even more deeper than that. It can be something totally innocuous. Like I’m just tired today. I’m just tired. I’m not in. I want to go to sleep. That could be one, or it can be something much, much deeper, deeper.
[00:18:06] Maybe you suffered trauma or you suffered abuse when you were younger or you’d been brought up. I think a lot of us people out to, again, believe that sex is bad and wrong and you shouldn’t be liking it. And therefore all that religious guilt or just society of guilt about you shouldn’t eat the message you shouldn’t enjoy.
[00:18:26] Sex is so ingrained in us. And so that is a big brake for a lot of people. And it’s not something you would consciously think about you just, oh, I can’t get hard. Why is that? You don’t go. Oh, because it’s of my religious upbringing, you don’t necessarily
[00:18:41] Moineau: go all the time. Thoughts about
[00:18:45] Chief: it. Yeah. So if you do say some, some breaks, you can get rid of, like, you can just check the stove is off before you have sex, or you can make sure the kids are in bed, brush your teeth, you can brush your teeth.
[00:18:56] But some of the things you may have to talk to someone about doing talking therapy to overcome and personal work, personal work. And yet I think you have to, you’ll be able to figure out hopefully for yourself, which what your breaks are and where they are.
[00:19:11] I do obviously recommend getting this book. It will probably help you identify.
[00:19:15] Moineau: And that’s what I’m learning. Yeah. Did you say your score? Um, so I said two and a half for this, and I do think it’s a half it somewhere between somewhat like me and a lot like me. I do find myself in the moment sometimes as I’m having sex or, um, I’m playing with someone that I am worried that I’m not going to come or something.
[00:19:44] And like I’m worrying about it. That is taking me out of the moment. And so then I’m trying to double my focus into my body and be like, oh, just relax, relax into it. Just focus on the feeling. But even that mantra to myself of like, relax, you know, that that’s taking me out of the moment and it does feel like, for example, if you’re going down on me, oftentimes I’m enjoying it, but I know that it takes.
[00:20:12] It takes me a long time to come that way and I can, but then I’m worried that you’re going to get tired or something or stop. And so I’m trying to get myself to come as quickly as possible, but there’s nothing I can do. Cause I’m not the one who’s guiding you. So all adds up to being a bit too much. And then if it crests over that too much, then it’s probably not going to make me come.
[00:20:36] And then I have to just be like, all right, come up. You know, like I’ve enjoyed this, but it’s past the point.
[00:20:43] Chief: Real break is worrying that I’m getting tired or I’m not necessarily enjoying it.
[00:20:49] Moineau: Yes. I think when I’m worried that you were not enjoying yourself in whatever you’re doing, that actually really gets to me.
[00:20:57] Chief: I’ve seen this though. A lot of times when you get into a vicious cycle, not, not you, but couples, because what can happen is one person suggests doing something because they think the other person likes it. Um, I do like blowjobs, but they don’t, they don’t make me come necessarily. So I’m not always a fan of them all.
[00:21:15] You enjoy the feeling, the feelings. So if someone says, Hey, can I get down on you? Um, maybe in that moment, I don’t really want it. I’ll be like, yeah, it feels a case. So I say yes, because I think there are, they’re asking because they think I like it. I’m saying yes, not because I necessarily wanted that moment, but because I want it.
[00:21:35] So we’re both doing something to please each other, they then go down on you and then you’re both lying back going, you know, I’m, I’m letting her do this. Cause I know she wants to do it. And in her head, she’s doing, she’s saying I’m doing this because
[00:21:50] Moineau: he’s enjoying it. No, one’s actually getting.
[00:21:55] Chief: Just after however long, 10, 15 minutes, he like tap him on the head, come up. This isn’t quite working. That situation goes back to the wheel of consent where you have, uh, do do look it up. There’s a great video. Betty Martin has a 45 minute video where she goes through her wheel of consent because there’s two, there’s two parts to receiving pleasure.
[00:22:19] You can give, you can receive, you can allow. And there’s a difference between allowing and receiving. So in that situation, I was allowing someone to give me a blowjob. Um, that’s different to receiving it and accepting it where you’ve asked the person, this is what I really want.
[00:22:38] We’ve gone off topic there, but I think it, isn’t an important point and I see it a lot. You get into this situation where neither person is really enjoying whatever you’re doing, and then you both don’t come. You both think it’s crap sex. And you’re like, oh, that was, that was rubbish.
[00:22:50] What went wrong there? We both really fancy each other, but something didn’t quite work out. And it can’t be that. So final question in this section, in this section, yes. We’re still on the breaks here. Oh, I was going to ask you one more point about this, I think as well, Dom sub relationships amplify this, because what the point of the question, um, I’m worried about taking too long to orgasm.
[00:23:11] It’s kind of a related point, is that when you’re a sub, because part of your motivation is to please the Dom. You might be in your head a bit more worrying, whether I’m liking it or not. And so that of course is then creating a break for you because you’re, you’re focused on the other person and giving that person pleasure, whether they are liking it, which of course it’s going to stop.
[00:23:35] You all get something. So if I’m spanking you or I’m doing something to you, you’ve told me before in your head, you’re like, oh, but I shouldn’t. I oh,
[00:23:45] Moineau: it’s not that I don’t deserve. It’s that I want to make sh I want to know that you’re enjoying it as well. Cause I actually, I derive a lot of my pleasure from your pleasure.
[00:23:55] That’s actually like that’s a strong motivator for me in any sexual activity is actually that you as my Dominant. That you were
[00:24:06] Chief: enjoying it, but the trouble comes when I, cause I’m almost at the same, my pleasure from you. Like yeah. And therefore, yeah, we were both. One of us is doing it’s the other way by thinking, oh, I should
[00:24:18] Moineau: be.
[00:24:19] It’s great though, because that means that basically you can do what you want in that moment and know that I’m going to derive pleasure from that, you know, anyways.
[00:24:30] Chief: Yeah. If my, be, if a lot of my pleasure is from seeing you as that doesn’t work, so then I’m worried, I’m hoping I haven’t made her come today.
[00:24:39] Moineau: Well, I think we’ve gotten better at that. I am not, I’m not someone who comes quite easily in the first place. With myself is perhaps slightly different, but it still does take me time. It’s not like I can start touching myself and I instantly come. Like I know some women are actually really receptive to their own touch and it does take me time.
[00:24:59] I have two. Into a flow and a rhythm or whatever. I’ve just accepted that. And I, but I think that’s part of like, not for me, orgasm, isn’t the end all be all to
[00:25:10] Chief: sex. Yes. It’s not, as you said, we’re getting, it’s not, we’re focusing a lot on orgasms here, but it isn’t necessarily the be-all and end-all, this quiz is more about if you are struggling to become aroused or potentially have an orgasm, this, or these are some things to think about.
[00:25:25] Um, but you’re absolutely right. Everyone’s everyone is, well, I can’t speak for men because I’m not being with any men, but certainly the women I’ve been with, they all have such different ways of making them come or different things that may come. Some are oral, some hate or the sunlight. Penetrative sex and can come release easy.
[00:25:44] Some from fingers, some from, uh, okay. We’ll
[00:25:47] Moineau: get there, their nipples Twittle or whatever. Like I have known nipple sentence.
[00:25:53] Chief: Yeah. That is from foot massage for me given, because we we’d been going out for about a year maybe. And, um, I think she was just, she was almost conditioned because I, yeah, we’ve spoken about this before, but I would try and anchor orgasms to something.
[00:26:11] And for her, it was very much mental anyway. So she was just able to orgasm really early. And another one from hair-pulling just, um, we just on the street, we were just on the street and I could grab her hair and she really, and I’m not talking, I’ve told this to people before and they’re like, ah, she was faking it.
[00:26:27] But honestly it was
[00:26:30] Moineau: and different types of orgasms as well. And I think, I mean, sometimes I feel like I have like a body orgasm that is more gentle. Like it’s, it’s not like that pulsing. Not thinking know, it’s not like the pulsing rhythmic contractive, orgasm that you get from like vaginal orgasms, it’s, it’s more just, it’s like body tense and relax thing, and it’s much more subtle.
[00:26:58] So sometimes I feel like I have those more than the vaginal ones, but no anchoring orgasms does actually. I mean, that’s, that’s a different topic, but yeah. Yeah, because you do that sometimes with me and I quite enjoy it
[00:27:13] Chief: anyway. All right. Moving on. Number five, we’re still on the first section number five.
[00:27:17] Um, sometimes I feel so shy or self-conscious during sex that I cannot become fully aroused. I put a one, not much like me I’m I don’t think I’m shy around sex or, or that self-conscious. I think the only it may be. Like if I put on weights and I, uh, hadn’t been to the gym in a while. Um, like at the beginning, at the end of COVID, I gained about 10 kilos.
[00:27:44] So I wasn’t feeling my best. It wasn’t feeling as confident as I normally do. Uh, my stamina. I couldn’t, couldn’t thrust for as long as I would normally. And so, yeah, in times like that, I would feel more self-conscious it wouldn’t stop me becoming aroused, but it would S it would be in the back of my mind.
[00:28:03] Um, but normally, no, so that’s why I put a one for
[00:28:05] Moineau: me, uh, three, a lot, like me, I think there are times in my life that that would have been a four. Um, I I’m quite aware of myself and I have issues with self esteem that I work through, but I know that if I’m feeling self-conscious that it’s going to be really, really difficult for me to.
[00:28:27] You know, get in, get in the mood. Although all these questions are a bit tricky to answer because it’s not, I think it’s, it’s difficult for me to know when I’m sexually aroused, because especially as I derive pleasure from other people’s pleasure, like I don’t have to be aroused to engage in something sexual and to enjoy it.
[00:28:52] I will probably become aroused as we are doing the thing. I think it kind of goes back to my self identified demi-sexuality. Like I only become sexually aroused in the process. I can’t just like look at something and become sexually harassed. Most of the time. I will caveat that if I think about sucking your cock, usually like I get.
[00:29:15] Pretty quickly. And that’s like a clear, I know it’s a clear indicator that I’m like, oh yes. You know, that thought itself can turn me off, which then I sometimes use then in situations where I’m not becoming, you know, that like I need to like up my arousal level, I’ll just, you know, have a quick, fancy little fantasy about that to help.
[00:29:38] Free me over the arousal edge. Anyway,
[00:29:42] Chief: I think it, yeah, I think everyone’s different for me. I, I can get aroused very quickly, certainly by, I think a lot of men can relate to this when you’re younger, when you’re a teenager, it’s, it’s really bad because you just, the slightest thing can get your hours, like the vibration in the car, or just, just, just for no reason.
[00:30:03] Like I used to get just hard in school class, no reason it was like, totally thinking about something else. I mean, that’s more just to do a teenage hormones, right. It’d be a real nightmare trying to hide direction, which that’s
[00:30:16] Moineau: a lot of stress.
[00:30:18] Chief: Yeah. But, but, um, as I’ve got older, certainly I think it takes me slightly longer to get roused, but I can be walking down the street and see someone who I think is good looking and I can be turned on.
[00:30:30] Moineau: It’s not at all like me, but it’s fascinating. He didn’t know that that can happen.
[00:30:34] Chief: It’s just, it’s like a wonder what we’d like to have sex. And I’m aroused because I didn’t see thinking about
[00:30:40] Moineau: it. Right. So for you, is it like, once you start thinking about sex, then you become a aroused, like, is there a strong correlation with sex, thoughts and arousal?
[00:30:50] Chief: Yes. Or yes. Any, any thing I find attractive? So if I see something, this is someone that I find attractive or I see a painting of sex, or I see something yeah. Is anything to do with sex makes me Rouse. But then other times I might just start daydreaming less so now, but I might have little fancies or flashbacks or re remember what we’ve done.
[00:31:21] Um, but yeah, it’s, it’s quite easy and I’m not talking about full on, hard on, but I’m just, I
[00:31:27] Moineau: just. It could become a hard I’m like if it was just given a little luck,
[00:31:33] Chief: it’s really difficult to describe. I don’t think, I think a lot of guys will know what I’m talking about. It’s like a, it’s like getting a little life force boost.
[00:31:43] Moineau: Okay. I’m picturing like a video game sort of scenario right now.
[00:31:50] Chief: I’m like a massive, but, but it’s not necessarily it’s arousal, but then it leads you into other things. So I read a study where they got a, they got a guy, uh, they said we’re going to do an experiment. It’s a, it’s an art experiment. We need you to come.
[00:32:05] So the guy comes into a waiting room and the receptionist is a really attractive woman. The guy doesn’t know this is part of the study. So he sits down and he gets five minutes just in the waiting room. And the receptionist is really traded as chatting to him. And then, uh, she’s like, okay, you know, we’ll, we’ll start the experiment.
[00:32:23] Now, if you go into the other room, so the guy goes to the other room and then the experiment starts and the experiment is he has to draw, he has to paint a picture, right? And these aren’t, these are just general and what they found. And then they had a, they did this with lots of people. They did it with another set of guys and this time, um, the receptionist was not as attractive and didn’t really interact with them at all.
[00:32:43] And then they went into the paintings. And what they found was that the guys who had interacted with the attractive women. Their paintings were much better on the whole, because the idea of a muse, you read it, there’s something about feminine and feminine beauty that, that captivates men and just makes them, makes them just work harder, get them more creative.
[00:33:09] So that’s what I mean by this little boost, I can see someone it’s makes one thing better. It just, it’s not necessarily arousal. And I don’t, I don’t know if women realize they have this, uh, this impact on men. Um, obviously you can take it too far if you’re staring lyric, which is of course not what I’m, what I’m saying you should do, but there is this there’s this feminine life force, which I think for me, and I I’m guessing for me, it just, I don’t know.
[00:33:38] Moineau: just, I mean, the moment you say the word muse, like I can, I understand what you’re talking about. There’s this sort of ideal aesthetic beauty that can.
[00:33:48] Chief: That doesn’t. Yeah, it can be physical beauty, but it can just be a good interaction with, with, with someone of the opposite sex can be, even if they’re not that attractive, but you just like, they got great personality.
[00:34:01] You can just lift you as a guy. I think maybe because we don’t get as many social interactions or we don’t get as
[00:34:07] Moineau: many, it’s obviously fulfilling something that, that
[00:34:12] Chief: it makes us feel like we’re attractive, which gives us that confidence, which then is like, oh, I can do anything.
[00:34:20] Moineau: Oh, that’s cute. I liked, I liked that thought, but I also think that it’s, it can be quite useful then to, you know, get, I mean, I remember reading some article about how, um, before you do work, you should basically kind of get yourself around.
[00:34:35] It’s like any sort of creative work that you do include like. Uh, I don’t remember the specifics of the article. I think it might be for both sexes actually. But like before you do something creative in your professional setting, if you have a moment where you just think of something sexy, it’ll give you that sort of confidence boost or that creativity boost that will like up your performance in that.
[00:34:58] Chief: Yeah. just a D and I think a lot of, a lot of our, our goal is to strive towards the end of something, getting a bit philosophical here, but the completion of something sports, the winning, the completion, the ending that’s a very masculine drive. And so an orgasm is one of those things, which is why often come about does not do anything.
[00:35:24] We do. That’s the only time where sex just completely goes up my head. I do not want to think about sex literally. Yeah. That’s
[00:35:32] Moineau: a shame. That’s a shame. Hmm.
[00:35:38] Chief: It’s like a woken up from a daydream and like, why am I here? What we’re doing, why we just had sex? I didn’t really want it. But you did in that moment, you just
[00:35:46] Moineau: shut off, completely shuts off.
[00:35:47] Well, it satisfied the need. Yeah.
[00:35:49] Chief: You’ve achieved your, your desire of, of completion, which is why it’s called the Petit Mort in French, because it’s your, you’ve completed the cycle.
[00:36:01] Moineau: Yeah. And it’s finished. I mean, I do feel like right after I’ve come well, it depends, but if I’m like playing with myself or something afterwards, you know, um, I’m satisfied and I’m, I’m either tired.
[00:36:15] Like I’m either going to fall asleep now, which is quite useful and you’re struggling to fall asleep, you know, then I’m like, okay, quick orgasm. And then I can go to bed. Um, but I do also like it as a way to start the day. Cause I, and I know that’s, that’s different, um, from what we’ve w you know, that we’ve discussed before, but I think it’s, it can be a good, just like, it’s a refresh, it’s like a rebooting, the computer kind of thing.
[00:36:43] So then, like I could, if I really want to, I could probably engage in more sexual play after orgasm. Um, and then, but that gets quite fun and interesting. If then you can play on that as the dominant and like, then we can start going into orgasm control and edging, and that you can take
[00:37:03] Chief: that.
[00:37:04] Yeah. Painful.
[00:37:05] Moineau: Yes. We’ve done that a couple of times where I actually can’t. Tell you that I ha I am currently orgasming and as verging on the, this is quite torturous, but I actually really, really like it. It’s that nice, like satisfying sort of pain anyway. Um, we’ve gone off topic, but we have,
[00:37:26] Chief: um, so the totals combined was so it’s out of 20.
[00:37:31] You should get a score out of 20, because each question is zero to four. I got four out of 20.
[00:37:36] Moineau: So you have low sexual inhibitors then? Yes. I was
[00:37:41] Chief: going to say your score and then we’ll, I’ll, I’ll read out the kind of
[00:37:46] Moineau: the half point that I gave. I’m going to give my total as a temporary. I
[00:37:51] Chief: have 10.5. Okay. So this is, this was just the SIS or the inhibitors.
[00:37:57] The brakes low is between zero and six. And remember, this is just a quiz. This is five questions. You know, how much can five questions really tell you about something? But it’s a, it’s a start of attempt to get you thinking. So low SIS is zero to six. That’s me, or read out the descriptions of what it, what it means in a bit.
[00:38:14] Uh, we then got medium, which is seven to 13, which
[00:38:19] Moineau: would be me. Me.
[00:38:21] Chief: Yeah. And then you’ve got high, which is, uh, 14 to 20. So let me read it. So low, this is what I am. It says you’re not so sensitive to all the reasons not to be sexually aroused. You tend not to worry about your own sexual function, functioning and body image issues don’t interfere too much with your sexuality when you’re sexually engaged. Your attention is not very distractible and you aren’t inclined to describe yourself as sexually shy. Most circumstances can be sexual for you. You may find that your main challenge around sexual functioning is holding yourself back, reigning yourself in, uh, staying aware of potential consequences can help with this around.
[00:38:59] So this book is mainly written for women. Um, so that’s why it says around 15% of women that the author asked where in w was in that. Okay, so not too high. Uh, you were medium. So medium is you’re right in the middle, along with more than half the women I’ve asked and I’ve been the author. This means that whether your sexual breaks engage is largely dependent on context, risky or novel situations, such as a new partner might increase your concerns about your own sexual functioning, shyness, or distractibility from sex contexts that or eat that contexts that easily arouse you are likely to be low risk and more familiar.
[00:39:41] And anytime your stress levels, including anxiety, overwhelm, and exhaustion escalate, your breaks will reduce your interest in and response to sexual signals. I definitely see that.
[00:39:53] I think in the book it does say that on the whole, not everyone, but on average, uh, women tend to have more sensitive breaks than men on the whole, in the whole, it may not be the men or the play to you. Um, so, uh, so yeah, so that’s it, you know, and it’s important to know that because.
[00:40:12] Uh, it’s just important to know what your partner, how sensitive their breaks are, because you don’t want to get into a situation where like, oh, I don’t understand what I’m doing. All this, all this stuff, I’m doing all this stuff to you and you’re not getting turned on. And that can .
[00:40:25] Moineau: You don’t want to see yourself or your partner as being, you know, sexually broken with quotes.
[00:40:31] You know, it’s, it’s good to have this in mind that this is a complete and normal sort of response. Anything. I think whether you’re low, medium, or high, um, having these break inhibitors I think is completely acceptable. And I think that’s what is really nice about this questionnaire. It’s just like getting us thinking about that there are breaks and some people have more, some people have less, but it’s what can we then do to.
[00:41:03] To deal with that if you want,
[00:41:06] Chief: if you want to, because like you say, there’s nothing wrong with being in any of these categories. There’s nothing wrong with you only if you wish, and you’re not getting what you, if you want to experience more arousal, then you can start thinking about, you know, how do we take
[00:41:21] Moineau: off some of these accelerators, which is the next point again,
[00:41:25] Chief: I’m just going to read out the high SIS.
[00:41:27] So I didn’t read this. This is for people in the, in the high range. Uh, you’re pretty sensitive to all the reasons not to be sexually aroused. You need a setting of trust and relaxation in order to be aroused and as best, if you don’t feel rushed or pressured in any way, you might be easily distracted from sex.
[00:41:42] Hi SIS, uh, regardless of SES, which is the accelerators was the most co uh, strongly correlated factor with sexual problems. So if this is you pay close attention to the sexy context worksheet in the chaps that follow you’ll, obviously have to get the book to, to work through. Um, uh, about a quarter of women I’ve asked fall into this range.
[00:42:06] That’s rather high. It is high, but I think again, I think that’s why I can’t remember exact stats. It’s something like 70% of women don’t orgasm with a partner with apartments 70 or 80%. So yeah, if a quarter of hoarding is that range. Um, so yeah, there, there are exercises in this book, uh, just to remind you, it’s called come as you are, is a great book, get it on wherever.
[00:42:28] But, um, there are other exercises in this book which will help you lower that. Should you wish or release the brakes? So let’s go back to the accelerators. Now you’ve done the brakes. Um, there’s another five questions here. I’m going to rattle through them are the six questions. You’re right. You’re absolutely right.
[00:42:43] The six questions. So, number one, often just how someone smells can be. We’ve already talked about my, my smells with turnoffs, but in terms of a turn on, I put a, um, a one, you know, it’s, uh, it can be a bit of a turn on, but it’s not like a super arousal.
[00:43:02] Moineau: I also put a one. Um, there are certain times where I don’t think that it will be the only thing that turns me on.
[00:43:10] I think if you’re wearing a nice cologne and we’re out or something, and I happened to get a whiff, but there it’s the whole, it adds to it. Yeah.
[00:43:18] Chief: Okay. Seeing my partner, number two, doing something that shows their talent or intelligence or watching them interacting well with others can make me very sexually aroused.
[00:43:29] I put, what did I got? I paid two for this one, which is, uh, somewhat like me. Yeah. It’s a turn on. It’s a turn on when you see other, I guess, other people. Well, other people liking them, fancying them. Um, but also when you just see them being amazing at stuff.
[00:43:50] Moineau: Yeah. I put it as a three, actually. I think it is very much like me a lot, like me.
[00:43:58] Um, it’s just, it’s sexy having, watching your partner, like in their element, you know, like for me, S especially, I think it plays into the whole, I’m attracted to dominance so when you’re like slaying in the business game, or talking about some sort of interaction that you had where you’re like on top of it, or like you just went to the gym and you had a great session, like that gets, that gets me going it’s it’s, it’s exciting.
[00:44:27] It’s thrilling. I’m like, Ooh. Yes. This person is
[00:44:30] Chief: highlights the traits, the attractive traits. Yes. Like the confidence.
[00:44:34] Moineau: Yeah. Yeah. I think that’s
[00:44:36] Chief: what it is. Yeah. Um, having sex in a different setting than usual is a real turn on for me. I bet three. Yeah. I, so that’s a lot like me. Yeah. I mean just bedroom sex is good.
[00:44:50] It’s great. It’s great. Don’t you know, I’m not saying it’s not, but when you, the thrill of something new somewhere else, it’s I like novelty. Novelty is the thing that turns me on. So that’s why I say
[00:45:02] Moineau: I also put a three. I enjoy bedroom sex very much, but I also enjoy sex in different locations and it’s sometimes fun to imagine what sort of sex could happen in a certain location.
[00:45:16] It’s a late night and where at some overground stop and the train hasn’t come yet. And we’re the only ones around, I mean, I know anyways, that’s getting into something else.
[00:45:31] Chief: Isn’t the only thing that’s going to be coming
[00:45:34] Moineau: into the station.
[00:45:36] Chief: Yes. Yes. I guess a number. Well, we all know number four. I think number four, when I think about someone I find sexually attractive or when I find slows about sex, I really become sexually aroused. Yeah. It’s exactly what I was saying earlier.
[00:45:52] This for me is three. Some look like me. I
[00:45:55] Moineau: put this as a four. Yeah. When I fantasize about sex, especially things that I know that I like about sex, I will easily become sexually aroused. And that’s also what I use to get myself aroused. It can be the difference between like enjoying. The situation and being really into this situation.
[00:46:17] Chief: All right. Two more questions. Go. Certain hormonal changes. EG my menstrual cycle definitely increase my sexual arousal again. Book written for women. I mean, men, I think have, do you have go through cycles of testosterone? Yep. Um, yeah, I find if I, if I’m certain times when I’m going to the gym and I’m training that obviously boost testosterone.
[00:46:38] So I get,
[00:46:39] Moineau: yeah, you’ve told me that like after the gym, like, okay,
[00:46:43] Chief: ready? Yeah. Yeah. Or as I said, after sex, when you get all the, the complete drop in hormones and get all the, the oxytocin and stuff that just completely shuts off my, and my arousal. So I put two, I put someone like me,
[00:46:56] Moineau: I put a four. I mean, this is exactly like me.
[00:46:59] I know there are times in my cycle, especially, when I’m due on that, I I’m so horny. I have all the cravings bread, chocolate sex. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Bread, chocolate and sex. That is. The ideal trio, uh, what I am when I’m on it.
[00:47:20] Chief: Yeah. Yeah. And I’m also mid cycle,
[00:47:25] Moineau: mid cycle. Yeah. But that, one’s much more subtle that I actually think there’s more of an emotional component, um, to, to that.
[00:47:34] If I’m mid cycle, I think. I dunno, I’d have to perhaps start journaling my arousal levels. I’d have, I’d have to track it to, to really know the difference, but I think it’s more situation based, you know, it’s seeing the, seeing the dominance, perhaps a bit more, I’m going to mid cycle, but when I’m, when I’m due on, it’s like, oh yeah, it’s just like the hot and ready sort of, yeah.
[00:48:00] Chief: I have heard the opposite or the opposite because it’s like when you’re most boats out and for you want that, you literally just want the sex and the dominance to get pregnant with someone who’s sick. And then when you want, it’s more like you’re the of, and maybe,
[00:48:16] Moineau: maybe there’s also a correlation with birth control.
[00:48:22] Um, and I actually, cause I mean, I, I am on birth control and I think that probably, I mean, I know when I. Started birth control that it really messed with my hormones and I, it really unsettled me. It still kind of does. I mean, that’s, what’s interesting is the birth control I’m on. I mean, it’s, it’s only progesterone, it’s actually not estrogen.
[00:48:48] So it’s, um, and maybe that has some sort of effect on why I get so aroused when I’m due on, I mean, not aroused, but like so easily excitable. And I think also on top of that, there’s a layer of layer of, um, pain control. If I have cramps, I’m going to want to orgasm because orgasms are really effective pain relief.
[00:49:13] They really, really are. And I’ve even as a teenager, I would use that. Uh, sort of, you know, you can take a paracetemol, or you can have an orgasm and sometimes the cramps are so bad that you need both, you know, you pop the pills and then you go and get ready.
[00:49:30] Chief: Uh, sex feels different as well when you’re because maybe their lining of the giant is slightly
[00:49:35] Moineau: thicker or, well, I mean, that wouldn’t be so much of the difference because it’s the uterine lining that thickens.
[00:49:44] However, I think that the tissue in the vaginal canal can get more swollen or more sensitive. I know, breast sensitivity is a big thing. Normally my nipples, not at all sensitive, but when I am in the week before, um, my cycle is due, then it’s. You know, then I’m like, okay, they’re there, they are there.
[00:50:08] Chief: Um, final question. I get very turned on when someone wants me sexually, I put four. Exactly like me. I’ve had sex people with the, I didn’t fancy just because they fancied me and that turned me on.
[00:50:19] I really,
[00:50:21] Moineau: yeah. And you still found it as satisfying as if,
[00:50:25] Chief: I mean, obviously it’s not as satisfying as when I really fancy, but it’s still enjoyable. Yeah. And still, I mean, yeah, that it is maybe that they weren’t my type physically, but, or necessarily mentally, but just the mere fact that they were sexually attracted to me.
[00:50:45] Was it, that was enough to get me aroused. And that probably says something about me and wanting validation, but yeah, probably, probably something like that. It’s nice to be wanted. And that is a turn on.
[00:50:58] Moineau: Yeah. I put this as a two, somewhat like me. I’m a bit more nuanced. I also think this question is a bit, tricky to answer in the first place, because for someone to want me sexually, like that goes into my whole view of myself and my self-worth and my desirability.
[00:51:18] If I’m not finding myself desirable, then I find it difficult to think about other people would find me desirable. So I think that kind of like plays into more as an inhibitor actually. So like, that’s why it’s only somewhat like me. I, um, I know, I know, I know, but I think that they could be lying or like, I don’t have that sort of like context.
[00:51:42] It’s not like I’ve had lots of people tell me no, no, it’s I, I’ve not had the experience where many people have told me that they are attracted to me. And I think that’s part of my own self-esteem issues. Um, but it is very flattering if someone does want me sexually and that definitely does increase my arousal levels. Um, I really appreciate it. It’s just, I, I questioned how often it happens.
[00:52:08] Chief: All right. So those were the, the six questions, four SES, which are the sexual, uh, exciters that the accelerators. And if you add up your scores, you will get a score out of 24. I got 15,
[00:52:24] Moineau: 15. Yeah. That’s
[00:52:26] Chief: you to be written down earlier and you’ve got 17, 17, you got 17. So let me read them out.
[00:52:32] So low SES is between zero and six. Medium is between eight and 15. So I’m right on the cusp of medium. I’m basing the medium, mid and high, and you are you’re in the bottom of the high range, which is 16 to 24. So let me read these out quickly, uh, low you’re not so sensitive to sexually relevant stimuli and need to make a more deliberate effort to tune your attention in that direction.
[00:53:03] Novel situations are less likely than familiar ones to be sexy to you. Your sexual functioning will benefit from increased stimulation and daily practice of paying attention to sensations. No SES is also associated with asexuality. So if you’re very low SES, you might resonate with, uh, some components of the asexual identity.
[00:53:27] The women I ask a probably higher SES than the overall population, they’re interested enough, interested enough insects to take a class, attend a workshop, or read a sex blog, but still about 8% of these women fall into this range.
[00:53:43] Moineau: That’s true. It’s important to understand that the data, of course, in any of these sorts of questionnaires that happen about sexuality are obviously with some sort of bias of who
[00:53:54] Chief: does the question.
[00:53:54] He also works with those types of people who, who are trying to understand the sexuality, why they may not want to get roused. So it would make sense that that she talks to more people in the local. Medium, uh, you’re right in the middle. So this is eight to 15 as a reminder, you’re right in the middle. So whether you’re sensitive to sexual stimuli probably depends on the context in situations of high romance or eroticism you tune in readily to sexual stimuli in situations of low romance or autism.
[00:54:23] It may be pretty challenging to move your attention to sexual things, recognize the role, that context plays in your arousal and pleasure and take steps to increase the sexiness of your life’s contexts. 70% of the women I’ve asked fall into this range. So I I’m in that range. I’m right at the top end of it.
[00:54:42] Uh, which feels about right. I think if I did this quiz when I was in my I’m 39 now, so if I did it, when I was in my late twenties, early thirties, I would be in, in the high, but. And the high which you are in, you’re pretty sensitive to sexually relevant stimuli, maybe even to things most of us, aren’t generally sensitive to like smell and taste a fairly wide range of contexts can be sexually sexual view.
[00:55:10] And naughty may be really exciting. You may like having sex as a way to de-stress higher SES is correlated with greater risks for sexual compulsivity. So you may want to pay attention to the ways you manage stress, making sure you create lots of time and space for your partner, because you’re sensitive.
[00:55:28] You can derive intense satisfaction from your partner’s pleasure. So you’ll both benefit about 60% of the women that I ask fall into this group.
[00:55:38] Moineau: I derived so much of my pleasure from my partner. And so it ups my sexual excitability, but then if you take that into consideration, I also have higher inhibitors as well.
[00:55:50] So I’m high on both. And I mean, not extremely high on the inhibitors, but I mean, 10.5 out of 20, that is still, you know, I think that’s showing that there are more breaks even though I have a high, um, excitement
[00:56:06] Chief: factor. Yeah. I think for most people is going to be the brakes that are generally the things that are causing issues and stopping you being turned on rather than the accelerators. I think her work mainly, mainly focusing on the brakes and removing the brakes rather than finding ways to et cetera you. Cause I think most people know how to, they know what turns them on. We’ve talked about it before I have a sex menu on my website , kinkyevents.co.uk. You can go download the sex menu, which will literally give you 350 things, which are, could be accelerators to you and you can mark them and say, yes, this is a real turn off for me.
[00:56:40] So once you know the accelerators and you, again, you probably do because it’s relates to what you fantasize about porn. You watch the images, you look at what you like. Uh, you then just got to deal with the breaks. How do we create an environment where we, where we get rid of as many of the breaks as possible.
[00:56:58] Moineau: Yeah. I think it doesn’t matter how much you’re revving the engine. If your brake is on, you’re not going to go anywhere. I mean, I don’t know if that analogy makes sense. I don’t drive, but I, I assume that’s how it
[00:57:12] Chief: works. Yes. Well, exactly. That’s why sh yeah, she has this analogy. Yeah. Yeah. And especially if you’ve got the handbrake on, so the handbrake, she doesn’t talk about two different types of brakes. So she says, um, there are, there are two types of brakes. Um, you have the foot brake equivalent in the car, which. Just a scanning is scanning your environment basically for any reason to not become aroused. Right now, risk of STI is unwanted pre pregnancy, social social consequences. That kind of stuff is like a, Hey, this probably isn’t a good time.
[00:57:51] Um, you know, potential threats in the environments. What you can see, what you can hear, what you can suppress. So things that are happening right now, that’s like the
[00:57:58] Moineau: handbrake and you can stay down.
[00:58:01] Chief: But the second break is almost like the handbrake is like the chronic low level. No, thank you. Signal. Um, so she says if you try to drive with the handbrake on, you might be able to get where you want to go, but it’ll take longer and use a lot more gas, uh, where the foot brake is associated with the foot brake is associated with fear of performance consequences.
[00:58:23] The handbrake is associated with fear of performance, failure, like worry about not having an orgasm. So that’s interesting. So interesting. So there’s two types of rates, one, which is about fear of consequences and one which is fear of performance. Okay. So slight difficulty. So you’re right. The, um, performance consequences is like, if I do this thing, will I be shamed for it?
[00:58:52] Will I get an STI? Will I become pregnant? That’s one of the breaks and the other ones. Theater performance. I won’t be good enough. Uh, that kind of stuff. Yeah. But you know, we are, I’m massively paraphrasing this do do go and buy the book. It is a really great book and has so much more in here. It’s a Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.
[00:59:16] Hope I pronounced that. Right. And a G O S K, I Emily Nagoski and you can find it in all good bookshops.
[00:59:23] Moineau: I think this was very illuminating and I think it’s quite useful, to do with your partner, whatever sort of relationship you have. It’s really good to be aware of your own sexual inhibitors and sexual exciters, but also to have an awareness of your partners, because then you can be more sensitive about what could be turning them on turn them off. And, um, if that is even something that you want to work through
[00:59:57] Chief: and help them overcome the brakes. I talk about it in my book, Sensational Scenes, a lot of when you’re a Dom, interacting with a sub, a lot of what, how I see my role is giving the sub the best sexual experience she can have.
[01:00:14] And therefore it’s not just about using a vibrator on her or spanking it. Those are all accelerators and she likes them and consented to them, of course. But if you are just focused on tech, And you haven’t taken into account the context of the situation. Is she comfortable? Does she trust you? Um, eh, is she tired?
[01:00:37] Are there other things going on in her head, which are acting as brakes? He or she, cause obviously the sub could be at a guy as well, but as the Dom, I believe in my style of dominance, which is more romantic and caregiving, I am responsible for the accelerators and alleviating the brakes. And I think a lot of guys or girls or Doms miss the part about alleviating brakes because they just don’t think about it.
[01:01:03] So we’ll leave you with a question. What are you doing to help alleviate your partner’s brakes? Because if you get that right, you have some amazing, sexy times.
[01:01:17] So, thank you very much for joining me and doing the quiz with me and the open discussion listeners. We hope you found this useful. Do follow us on your favorite podcasting channel so that you’ll be notified about any new episodes.
[01:01:32] And we’ll speak to you again very shortly.