So you’re a beginner dominant and want to know what the hell to do.
Starting out can be confusing and overwhelming. I sure didn’t really know all the lingo or how I was supposed to act.
Was I meant to go to Dom school and get some sort of certificate before I could call myself an official dominant?
(Obviously not).
Anyone can become a dominant if they want to be, although they will range from horrendous to exemplary. To avoid falling into the former category, here are my nine top tips for the beginner dominant.
1. Read questions and answers
There’s something about agony aunt style Q&As that I very much enjoy.
They can be humorous, sad, enlightening, heavy, antagonising, amusing or heartfelt. Be it a question asked about a topic I’d not given much thought to, or an answer which affirms by position or makes me question it, I always feel as though I’ve grown in some way after reading them.
So where do you find these Q&As that deal with BDSM and D/s relationships in particular? Sure you could look in a copy of Glamour magazine but that isn’t really going to get your far (or cover the topic in any depth).
Personally I find the r/BDSMAdvice forum on Reddit a treasure trove of insight. Download the Reddit app and join that subreddit.
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When you’ve got a few minutes scroll through some of the questions, and click into each one that appeals to you.
Reading through the comments is enlightening.
2. Read articles by submissive women
I found reading other people’s perspective on their D/s relationships one of the best ways to learn.
There don’t seem to be many dominant men posting online, but there are plenty of blogs written by submissive women and their experience of being in Dom sub dynamics.
Often Doms will have their submissives keep journals such as this, so have a Google around and you’ll probably find a few.
Why read a blog by a submissive woman if you are trying to be a dominant man?
My type of domination involves a huge mental component. I enjoy getting my sub all riled up and teasing her. I want to dominate her psychologically as well as physically. Therefore it’s important I am able to put myself in her shoes.
By reading the experiences of other subs, not only do I get ideas I can try with my sub, but I also form a clearer picture of WHY she might like particular activities.
And when I know that, I can concoct the most enticing experience for her.
3. Get to know your dominant side
After you’ve read other people’s accounts of their Dom sub relationships you’ll begin to get a sense of what type of dominant you want to be. You’ll have ideas as to what turns you on, gets you going.
Do you want someone who obeys you without question? Do you want a bratty sub who will fight you and tease you until you make her submit? Do you want a normal girlfriend who you dominate in the bedroom once in a while? Do you want a sub who acts like a little and is looking to be nurtured?
These are all perfectly valid ways you can be a dominant.
Take the test at BDSMtest.org to give you more insight into your dominant personality. Save the results as you’ll need them to show potential submissives when you are looking for a partner.
Use the output of the test to consider your dominant style and what you want in a submissive. Subs come in all different flavours, just like dominants.
(Take the results with a pinch of salt. It’s meant to be a bit of fun after all. Use it as a guide rather than an exact science)
4. Create a sex menu
Let’s be honest – a large part of a D/s dynamic involves sex. You need to know what you’re into and what your sub is in to.
A sex menu is a list of sexual activities. The idea is you go down the list and score each one into buckets, normally some variant of ‘want to try’, ‘tried and loved’, ‘don’t want to try’, ‘open to if my partner is’.
It’ll help you determine what kinky shit you’re in to.
It’s also another invaluable tool to have at your disposal to show a potential partner. If they’ve completed their own sex menus you can compare notes. It makes figuring out if you’re a compatible match a breeze.
When you start out on the dominant path, sharing your shadow side and darkest fantasies with another person can be a little awkward (especially if you’re from Britain).
Even if you have no problem doing so, remember your partner may. A sex menu has everything written down, which alleviates some of the embarrassment of guilt some people feel about their kinks, and helps both parties be more honest, leading to a better dynamic in the long run.
Find a sex menu online (like this one for example) which covers not just vanilla sex acts, but also BDSM ones. Download it and get filling.
5. Don’t worry if not everyone gets it
To meet kinky partners you can go to munches, use Fetlife, or use regular dating apps.
If you choose to use regular dating apps, bear in mind not everyone is as kinky as you.
Don’t try and push your agenda on them, or convince anyone that they need to try BDSM.
Likewise, don’t worry if you get some negative comments from women when you do eventually mention you are looking for a D/s dynamic. Simply thank them, and move on.
The same goes for friends and family.
I tend to keep my D/s dynamic on the down-low unless I know the person I am talking to is open-minded.
It’s such a thrill when you begin to discover this world that you’ll want to shout it from the rooftops and talk at length about it to anyone who will listen.
But as above, some people just won’t get it and will see you in a negative light.
So be careful who you tell.
6. Don’t be a dick
As the dominant partner in the relationship, you have an opportunity to make your submissives life better or a nightmare. Please make it better.
Take care of them. Respect their boundaries. Always get consent. Don’t be pushy, rude or aggressive. Accept a ‘no’ gracefully.
Always strive to leave your sub better than you found them.
Read more about how to be a good Dom.
7. Check-in with your sub regularly
Do you give good aftercare? No idea what aftercare is? Then you need to do more research.
Are your rules and ways of interacting with your sub still working? Talk to your sub regularly to make sure you are both on the same page.
Get good at discussing what is and what isn’t working for you. If you find it difficult to articulate yourself then write it down and email them.
Give your sub time to provide you with feedback too. Become an excellent listener.
8. Learn how to give and ask for consent
Study Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent. Watch the videos about it.
Think about recent interactions you’ve had with your sub and decide at which points you are talking, allowing, serving or accepting. It’s a fantastic framework to have in your head to ensure both people are getting the most out of the dynamic.
Become an expert in reading body language and understanding non-verbal communication. Increase your emotional intelligence. It’ll help you make friends at kinky events and kinky parties.
9. Have fun
Although you need to put the work in, don’t forget to have fun too!
Relax. You won’t get it right all the time. It’s a journey and you have to work at it.
Building a strong D/s dynamic with a sub takes time, just like any relationship. Don’t think you’re a Dom because you’re a stud and have multiple one night stands or use women for sex.
Enjoy the process of developing yourself into the best dominant you can be.
If a sub says no would I have a conversation with her about why she said no, to make her say no less
It depends. What is she saying no to?
Your “make her say no less” worries me slightly. It isn’t the goal of the dominant to ignore your sub when she is saying no to consenting to certain activities. It isn’t the role of the Dom to force her to do something when she protests (except in specific circumstances which I would only recommend if you have been engaging in D/s for a while).
Ok thanks for the advice I’m still learning, and I just told her kneel for a bit but she said she was tired so she didn’t listen and we’re currently long distance, so when she say no do I just not do anything? But what if she broke something on our agreement of what each of us will do, shoudl I punish her for braking a mature rule or when is it appropriate to punish her , I am new so If you have any other tips that would be great and I would appreciate it
It depends on your dynamic. What have you both agreed is the type of dynamic you want? Have you asked her if she wants to be punished if she doesn’t follow your rules? You both need to communicate and discuss what each of you wants from the dynamic. Then negotiate and agree.
We’re both still figuring stuff out and we’re just getting into so, we still gotta write down what we both want out of it and could you tell me exactly what you mean by dynamic, do you mean like for example a 24/7 D\s relationship
I’m sorry there are no special circumstances for a No to be pushed.
I read, you give good advice, then I read things like this and I just cringe that you put that type of thing out here in public.
Well then you are appearing to try and change their mind, never push boundaries. It’s not your job.
And you are potentially violating their consent.
Chief, I just want to say thank you. I have read a number of articles you have posted, and I apreciate you sharing the challenge that it is to be a good dom, and how important the dynamic outside the bedroom is.
Sex is indeed in the mind, especially for submissive women, and being in their head, through communication, openess, assertiveness and empathy is key to a fulfilling D/s relationship, in my personal experience.
You have my gratitude for producing all this content and demistifying this sometimes taboo subject.
Cheers, Andy.
You are very welcome, Andy. Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate them and they inspire me to keep writing and helping people live this lifestyle.
Sex starts in the mind of all women. It’s not just submissive women.
Actually this is what it boils down to.
Women have fantasies, are dirty, think about sex as much as some men do, etc.
They have to feel SAFE to let that out.
You and other men will never understand how it feels to be a female and unsafe.
First and foremost blankets statements suck. Then there is a mindset that all subs are in a hive connected together by a brain.
We aren’t. You would never guess that I have a submissive side. Just because I talk to a man who calls himself a Dom, or a Master, doesn’t make my sub antennae wiggle.
Even if they are saying and doing all the right things. There are some women that will immediately hop into a dynamic, with someone they started talking to a week ago.
When something happens, good old Reddit is typical of where they go to get advice.
Wth is wrong with that picture?
It’s the mindset out here now, jump and then lament.
Without so much as opening a phone, a laptop, tablet and looking for quality information.
Just throwing out a few things, I’m sure that the owner here is aware of.
Hi Nonya,
You are absolutely right. Apologies if anything I had written upset you, it was not at all my intention.
I agree that safety is paramount (for both partners) regardless of their role. I am sorry that you believe that as a man, I will never know what it means to be unsafe… I do know how it feels… to feel threatened, to fear for your immediate or even future safety, whether physical or psychological. It is very uncomfortable and incredibly inhibiting.
Also, you mention the mindset that all subs are in a hive connected to a brain… I really do not understand that comment… at all. Each person is its own individual, and every relationship, even between a dom and various subs is both unique and independent of all others. Each of my partners (for clarity, one at a time, while in relationship, no overlapping here) has been incredibly different, and my dynamic with them has been unique. The interactions, gestures, communication, expectations, boundaries, etc. have all been very unique and different.
I did read the thread above, and there is one thing that we may disagree on: this lifestyle choice has helped me and my partners push each-others boundaries, and discover pleasures we would not have otherwise discovered. Open and honest communication between us has always been the key to it. And an incredible level of trust, fostered by respect, communication, and empathy.
Also a comment about titles… Sir, Master, etc… they are not required… they can be fun sometimes… but they only serve if they add to the dynamic… otherwise, they are just titles some people try and take on, empty words devoid of meaning.
I will attempt to illustrate: I have no problem with my partner not calling me sir… if I really want her to call me sir, I gently edge her and keep her there while suggesting she call me sir and ask me to finish her… if she does not, I just continue teasing her and arousing her, while delaying her orgasm. I go with the moment and flow…. sometimes my tone will be soft and loving, other times joking and playful. Sometimes even stern and commanding, but that will always depend on the moment and mood… and what my partner responds to that particular day / play session.
As for my partner saying no to something… I believe that she should say NO to something she does not feel like doing. I am not here to impose my will on someone… I accept the responsibility of my sub giving me control, and me being responsible for both our pleasure and directing our play session towards a fulfilling finish for both of us. In the conversations we have when not playing, I have discussed when its a soft and playful no, which I am supposed to work around, and when its a serious NO (akin to a safe word) which means absolutely let it go. And I value and respect this feedback.
As for women who hop in a dynamic with people they hardly know… that is a very brave choice. Even if the roles fit (D/s) the dynamic, the trust, the communication take time to build. And I agree, sometimes, it is good to read and document oneself to know how to lead or even interact in such a conversation.
But the result is worth the work.
At the very least, this has been my experience.
I am curious to hear about your experience and how you expect a dominant partner to interact with you in the cases above (when you say no to something, how should he know if its a soft playful no, a challenge for him to play on, or a serious deal-breaking no… And also, how can he get you to follow his lead when you fell like being a brat (contrarian) sub?) Of course, I am asking in the interest of promoting play, not in the interest of convincing someone to do things that are hard NOs for them in their life.
Andy.