Ep 13: Moineau asks Chief about His Kinky Beginnings (Plus Other Questions)

Conversations with a Dom

In this episode of Conversations with a Dom, the podcast all about dominants and submissive’s, Moineau asks Chief some personal questions about kink and BDSM. The questions were found on a blog called ‘On A Magic Carpet Ride‘.

Listen to the episode below (and subscribe on Spotify for future episode alerts):

Podcast Transcript

[00:00:19] Chief: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Conversations with the Dom. Today, Moineau has found a list of questions that I’ve not seen. She’s read a few of them to me, but apparently it’s the, it’s kind of an origin story of questions about where, where I found out about becoming how I became kinky. Are we born kinky or do we become kinky 

[00:00:47] Moineau: now?

Kink has informed your life now and how it’s changed through that experience with. 

[00:00:55] Chief: Great. All right. Yeah. Hit me up. Cool. So, and it just, where, where do we get these? So you’re reading from someone’s site from 

[00:01:03] Moineau: someone’s lexi@wordpress.com. It’s an inactive site now, but there’s a post for 30 days.

Questions of kink. And a lot of them are really intriguing. So, 

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[00:01:16] Chief: so if anyone wants to go and look at this, what was it called? 30 days, 

[00:01:19] Moineau: 30 days. Slash questions of kink. Okay. 

[00:01:24] Chief: How do you spell S Lexi, 

[00:01:27] Moineau: slexi.wordpress.com. All right. So here we go. So how did he discover you were kinky 

[00:01:37] Chief: difficult one? I don’t think I ever, I don’t think I used to use the word kinky.

I think I just. And I’ve always been fascinated and enjoyed sex, and it’s always massively appealed to me. And I’ve always tried to learn as much about it as possible from biology to techniques, to all sorts of AC as much as I could know about it. But yeah, I think with, with my ex I was really enjoyed kind of.

Relatively rough sex, but it wasn’t, I wouldn’t say it was Dom sub. We were doing fairly dominant things in the bedroom, but outside the bedroom, it wasn’t at all. So I think I only started hearing people use the word kinky or using it myself when yeah, because I wouldn’t S I w I’m not sure I’ve got kinks as it were, so I’m not S it’s more kinky in a sense of slightly.

Sex and exploration of sexuality and things that people in regular relationships probably wouldn’t do. This 

[00:02:49] Moineau: is not a question from the list, but do you not classify dominance and submission as a form of 

[00:02:56] Chief: kink? Yeah, maybe. Yeah. You’re right. You’re right. Yeah. I guess I’m thinking of a fetish where it becomes more, it becomes like a need, a core need, so, yeah, you’re right.

So, yeah, and I think after I broke up, then I started going on dates and people would identify themselves as submissive. And it just became a pattern that I’d go on more dates and these, these women tended to be submissive. And then I was like, oh yeah, I like that sort of thing. Let me start reading more about it.

[00:03:26] Moineau: Re-evaluated your own positions based on the people you were coming into 

[00:03:29] Chief: contact with. Yeah. Yeah. And I don’t know if I was giving off a vibe in my profile that attracted that sort of person, maybe. So I was unconsciously doing it, maybe in some of the words or phrases I used. 

[00:03:41] Moineau: I know you, but I feel like you do.

Dominant vibe like casually dominant, but I do think that it can definitely be an undercurrent in some people’s just day to day experiences. It bleeds over from the bedroom and whatever on that. Any, do you have any early experiences that in retrospect, hint at your kids?

[00:04:05] Chief: Not well. So I think I told you, I used to go to bookshops and I would just sit and read the biology section about sex. Not that that’s really about king, just as I said, to learn as much as I could. And even when I was super young, this was probably when I was about 10. I just was fascinated by the whole area in terms of, I mean, I, so where I grew up, we had a big guy.

And I used to play with rope a lot. Now I’m not, I’m not super into rope now, but obviously it can be used for bondage. And I used to, I used to tie, you know, rope around my climbing frame and used to spend hours doing knots. But for me, I guess, because for me, I like sailing. So I don’t know if it was. I don’t know whether it’s just I’ve associated.

I think I was playing with the rope because I was interested in sailing. Not because I had any form of kink associated with it, but then, 

[00:05:04] Moineau: but did he get some satisfaction out of creating good solid nights? Like maybe there’s I don’t know. I don’t know much about Rope play, but like maybe there’s some sort of sense of security that it gives you only tie a secure knot or I don’t, I don’t know.

I don’t know how deep our actions go. 

[00:05:22] Chief: Yeah, I dunno. I mean, I was always, I was always very loud, very loud and precocious and confident as a kid. So, but I can’t think of anything that made me specifically kinky. It was just nothing the hints. No. 

[00:05:37] Moineau: Alright. So what, what do you consider your first kinky sexual experience?

Or were you just, you were doing kind of kinky things before we kind of realized that like, no, 

[00:05:56] Chief: I think, I think the first kinky experience was. Probably anal with my, with my, with my first girlfriend who I, cause obviously, as I said, I’d sort of seen porn and read about it and it’s totally fascinated by everything to do with sex.

And so anal was of course something that was taboo and something that I was like, well, yeah, of course it’s taboo. So I’ve got to try it. And I was relatively inexperienced anyway, at this point. And so in the early phases of dating at that point, I didn’t want to bring it up. So I was super nervous to bring it up.

25. I was still quite relatively inexperienced at that point. I, yeah, so I was super nervous. I was like, oh, I don’t know whether to bring it up. And it had been maybe three months. And I can’t remember how it came about, but I did, we did eventually bring it out and they were like, oh my God, I can’t. I was, I was, I was wondering how, when you’d ask, like, I was so thankful you asked because she was super into it and had been with her.

She was a bit older than me and had the experience previously. So, yeah, that I think that, and then, and then it became, we never labeled it as Dom Saba at all, but she definitely did some exploring. There was one, we acted out a fantasy once where she, how does it work? I think she wrote a letter to me and it said, basically, I want you to come over to my flat at nights when I’m asleep.

And just take me yeah, which is difficult because I didn’t have keys to the flat and we had to wear condoms. So what ended up happening is I think she gave me the keys that one night. So I snuck in, but obviously, you know, you can hear me or it was a top floor flat, so you could hear me coming, come in.

But she said in the letter it had said. You can, you can come in like Tuesday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, night, I’ll be in. So don’t tell me what dates they tell me what night it’s going to be. Just choose one of those. Cause it’d be a bit more of a surprise, but so I thought, well, which night is going to be mostly.

Unexpected. Yeah, I think the first night, I think maybe I was busy on the first night, so I just went with the middle one, I think. And so I did, I did the middle one, but then I was like fumbling around with the keys. Cause it was the first and then she gave me a big set of keys. It’s all jangly and her bedrooms right next to the door.

And then, then I went in, but then. I couldn’t get hard. So I had to go to the bathroom first to take my clothes off and put the kind of mind, but they can’t get hard, put the condom on. So by this time she was obviously awake and then sneak in. So it was kind of, it was, I guess my first C consensual non-consent role-play, but it wasn’t really because it wasn’t, it was too expected.

So I, yeah, I think that was my first kinky 

[00:08:44] Moineau: kinky experience. I mean for it being a planned experience, I think that’s definitely can classify, but that’s, that’s quite interesting. I think people don’t realize sometimes the logistics of something sexy that you may be texting back and forth and be like, Ooh, you know, we should do this, let’s do this.

And then when it comes through the reality of like, what’s happened in the day, or like sometimes it just, it just doesn’t happen how we expect it to. 

[00:09:15] Chief: Yes. And some things are, it was still a good experience and definitely it is worth if you’ve got fancies, you both want to try out then go for it, but don’t, and it was still hot.

It was still hot, but it just wasn’t. Yeah, it wasn’t seamless. Don’t try out your fantasies and expect them to be exactly like your dreams. 

[00:09:35] Moineau: It’s not going to be like that lesson to keep in mind. So describe your weirdest and most interesting sexual fantasy. That you feel comfortable sharing 

[00:09:45] Chief: weirdest.

An interesting, interesting, most 

[00:09:49] Moineau: interesting, 

[00:09:52] Chief: I think what is the D it’s always the desire to be wanted with me. Like a stranger on holiday. So holidays is always one, but like you don’t have to chat. You just see each other and just have sex in the pool. No group sex is always fun, but just, you know, going out with a group and then slowly throughout the night, the sexual tension is building.

But with everyone in the group and then, you know, the party just turns into an orgy. 

[00:10:20] Moineau: I guess we can I’m going to have to say that I think your sexual fantasy is perhaps. Entirely weird or 

[00:10:29] Chief: it’s no weird. Yes. I’m trying to think of a weird one. I’m not sure I’ve got any weird ones. Sure. 

[00:10:33] Moineau: It’s interesting enough.

I feel like I can answer that question a bit, but 

[00:10:38] Chief: yeah, I mean there is one where you can, you can tell me what mine one is. So two, yeah, definitely two women, but they’re both like, I’ve seen it in porn where one they’re both. What has been. Yeah. And then he like go between the two trusts, a little bit and one, and then go back and forth or, or you know, one person getting me hard and then guiding my Cockins to the other.

And then it comes out and like she enjoys sucking me and then puts me, so that kind of thing, or one girl like encouraging me on to take it someone else and then stopping it. So stuff like that. But I think I’m not sure that particularly weird. I think that’s, I think most guys would have now you’ve got, obviously got one that you have in mind.

[00:11:25] Moineau: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don’t think you want to be always, I’m not going to answer it because I. I think sometimes women, from what I understand them, from what I’ve read sometimes fantasy fantasize about things that are pretty extreme and that you would never actually voice in your life to anyone and you wouldn’t divulge it, but like in your mind, or like when you’re reading it online, you’re like, yeah, I love the sound of that.

But like, you wouldn’t actually tell your partner. Just because it’s too, it feels like it’s giving something away of like how, like taboo it is or how like degrading, it may be, it depends. 

[00:12:04] Chief: It depends. Like, I feel that way though. Like, no, but there are definitely, 

[00:12:09] Moineau: I mean, I have some fantasies that I don’t think I’d be able to tell you just because like, even though.

I don’t know how you’d respond to them, but it’s also like, it feels like I’m protecting my own sort of like sexual interest, like boundary that I can’t make myself voice because it makes like I have some. Moralizing boundary that like, I mean, 

[00:12:35] Chief: you’d have to have, I would, if I completely trusted the person, but I’m not going to, and I can’t think of one off the top of my head, but if it was something super taboo, because I think you’d get judged and people would think.

Let’s say it was something illegal. Like I went to a, I went to a talk and someone was like, you know, sometimes they have fantasies about fucking horse and it’s not that it’s not that they actually want to do that. It’s just, it’s just the, the, something about that particular thing that they dreamt it and they were turned on or whatever.

Right. If I was to say something like that, then people might be like, oh my God, he’s into bestiality. And that’s illegal. It’s like, no, I’m not. And that wasn’t my fantasy by the way. But so I would only share stuff like that if I was. And I think everyone, not everyone, I don’t know. Cause I can have, you know, my own mind, but I think a lot of people have these fantasies, which are definitely taboo and yeah, it’s important that you only share those with people that you trust, 

[00:13:28] Moineau: but I that’s the thing I feel like even just a matter of how much.

A partner. Like, I feel like there are some that I wouldn’t be able to make myself say 

[00:13:37] Chief: maybe, but for me, it’s a turn on hearing other people’s fantasies. So the, the, like the worst they are, the more, because again, I don’t think it’s the FA it’s not necessarily fantasy. It’s the fact that. Sharing them with me.

And that’s, that’s what I 

[00:13:50] Moineau: like. I think the closest I can get though, is sharing. Like I, and I have before shared some Literotica with you and Roddick writing that I’m like, I can’t say I’m like, I don’t condone any of the things in this writing, but the whole idea is extremely 

[00:14:06] Chief: appealing to me. Semi age, play role play as well, which for a lot of people will be totally taboo and it doesn’t, it doesn’t mean that we actually want to go out and have those.

Like, I’m not thinking of you as a kid. That’s not what it means, but, but in the moment it can be super hot. 

[00:14:25] Moineau: Yeah. I, I think it plays on authority and corrosion. And I’m cool with that too. I was thinking the. Anyway. I mean, 

[00:14:35] Chief: that’s my, that is my, I guess that’s one of my Kings like training and corruption of innocence.

Like if I could take an 18 year old Virgin, he was like, just turned 18. No, you know, super innocent, never try anything. And like, I could teach them open their eyes to the whole world of sex. That that would be a super, and that’s 

[00:14:57] Moineau: like my foil kink, which is something like, even as I’m getting more experience with sex, I still love the idea of having that.

Ruined for me, like 

[00:15:11] Chief: I was, I was thinking you want to be wrapped in like a baked potato. 

[00:15:15] Moineau: It’s a, it’s a term, the it’s the opposite, like mirror image. So your idea of corrupting innocence, my like one of my top fantasies that plays out in terms of like, whatever I’m interested in is having my innocence corrupted and like taken away from me by force.

You know, 

[00:15:36] Chief: I think that’s a strong component. Again, I’m not gonna say all, but quite a few DS relationships. I think, I think that is a key, not, I’m not going to say as key, but I think there’s something about the dominating, the taking the sub, doing the, not giving, but being received, receiving a bit, but being forced to.

Being forced into it, because then they’ve got plausible deniability. They don’t have to take agency for their own sexuality. It’s a release. You could, you could be like, you can do the most outlandish things and then you can, you can convince yourself, oh, it’s fine. Because it wasn’t, I was supposed to do it.

I didn’t really want to do it. I still really enjoyed it, but I don’t have to go to church and confess my sins now because it wasn’t me. Yeah. 

[00:16:26] Moineau: All right from that note. This one’s not related, but what’s your favorite toy? 

[00:16:32] Chief: Favorite toy? Well, we’ve just got a new one, which I’ve tried out before and it was a lot of fun.

So it’s a, it’s like a second cock that goes. Sorry. That’s the only way I can describe it. It’s the second cog and it, it it’s, it’s like a cock, so you, you slip it onto your cock and then it goes below. So where your balls are basically. So you can do double penetration with, with one person, what’s it called?

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Green with the basic conquering builder. Yeah. 

[00:17:00] Moineau: Yeah. Part of it, but I’m very 

[00:17:02] Chief: keen on it goes around you rather than your shaft and then round your balls as well. And then you have the cock. Which is fun. I always, I do also like the remote control vibrators, of course, for public public pays quite quite fun.

Yeah, weirdly for the amount of toys I’ve got. I’m not a huge, I don’t use them that often. Not a huge amount it did for me. It’s whatever toy works for the person. That’s my favorite toy. I mean, the magic one vibrates is always good because it’s just super powerful and you can do lots of things with that.

But I think the rest of the time, it’s just fun. It’s like, oh, for fuck’s sake. Got to go get some more batteries. It’s run out, I guess, 

[00:17:40] Moineau: about your non con. Role-playing that you did with your, with your ex, like you have to plan it, you know, like even if you have a toy box there, you’d still have to like logistically think, okay.

You know, now it 

[00:17:53] Chief: takes away, it takes away the spontaneity better. And there’s always, there’s never batteries or the broken or, but yeah, bullet vibrator, because it’s, it’s easy to like tie something up and then use it or a magic wand. If you want to get more intense, the sort of I’ve never found. Cock rings.

All right. They make it feel a bit more pleasurable. I used to have the Aneros. I don’t know if you heard it. It’s like a, it’s a range of prostate massages. So 

[00:18:21] Moineau: kind of like a butt plug. 

[00:18:22] Chief: It’s like a butt plug, but for men. So it’s got a, it’s got a It looks like a T basically, so that the pointy bit of the tea goes inside.

And then the other bit, it sits on your parent ear. And so what you do is you do pelvic floor muscles and the tensing of the parent ear muscle and the prostate pushes down on the plastic, which then moves the, the bit that’s in your arm. Towards your prostate and it’s angled. So it’s basically just Massa is a prostate muscle is massive massaging your prostate 

[00:18:51] Moineau: as you squeeze on prostate, went with the pelvis.

[00:18:54] Chief: Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, it’s meant to be able to it’s like the key to male, multiple orgasm, but for me, I dunno, it always felt a bit sore. It never felt it didn’t really feel. Amazing and not as good as I thought. Yeah. And it might just be that I didn’t use it enough, but I remember I got the first small one.

I was absolutely terrified cause it’s about the size of my pinky finger. And then I got used to that and I was like, this isn’t doing anything. So I got like the next side of that. And they ended up with like a massive one that there’s absolutely no way I could take now. And. Yeah, but it just added, it made when you came, it just, it felt a bit better for sure.

Cause you could feel it inside spasming. Which reminds me actually. So the same person who was really into anal for my birthday, she got me. Metal, but plug, you know, one of those really heavy ones that was the first butt plug. So I had, and I remember I went out, we went, I told to give it to him what we were on holiday with a group of their friends.

And we went to dinner one night and I had it in like all evening. 

[00:19:53] Moineau: Oh, wow. Oh, you had it in like, 

[00:19:55] Chief: so I had it in all evening. That’s intense. Yeah. I was, I was, I got super 

[00:20:00] Moineau: used to it before, or 

[00:20:03] Chief: I think, yeah, I’ve done this Anna Ross before her. So that’s, 

[00:20:07] Moineau: I feel like that’s a big leap for a whole evening and those ones there, wait.

[00:20:11] Chief: Yeah. It’s Wacey is weighty. It wasn’t that sore. Just again, you just get used to it. It’s like a, well, as, you know, you just it’s like, it can be sore, but this was, I built up to this over about three years, probably. So even when I was single, I used to play with myself while I was, while I was touching and it felt, it felt good.

Although I don’t redo it. I just can’t be, I literally cannot be asked. Yeah, no, it’s good point. That, that was fun. Yeah. 

[00:20:40] Moineau: Interesting. All right. Next question. What are your views on the ethics of kink? 

[00:20:46] Chief: The ethics of kink? I have no problem with it. As long as both people are into it or not. All of them.

Yeah. Consenting adults don’t do anything illegal. Make sure. Both people really are consenting, 

[00:21:01] Moineau: not just the people who are doing the acts, but also anyone that may be affected by that, because I think it needs to be consenting in like, 

[00:21:10] Chief: yeah, don’t be doing 

[00:21:12] Moineau: public sex or something like that. People are not consenting to watch the act.

[00:21:17] Chief: Well, yes, yes, yes. And that’s a tricky one because if you’re an exhibitionist, so I’ve had sex in public and like in a words, and yes, there is a chance. See you and they would not be consenting, but you’ve, you’ve taken as many measures as you can so that it’s not going to not going to happen. And like on a nudist beach, again, you got to be a bit careful to do it in public.

Yeah. So it’s all about, it’s all about checking, but you up, so you’re right. You see people online who’ve who are forcing their Kings on to other people, or go into a shopping mall where wearing leather or stuff, or wear nothing and being taken around. People into pet play one person whose dog is. No, don’t do that in front of 

[00:21:58] Moineau: people walking down the street or something.

Yeah. 

[00:22:02] Chief: And so in some, in some circumstances, like if it’s if it’s pride parade or if it’s fulsome, whatever Folsom street parade in San Francisco, then short game acceptable 

[00:22:13] Moineau: moments. 

[00:22:14] Chief: Yeah. But generally keep it, keep it yourself, which is, if, again, if you, if. If you’re, but then the way thing is like, I like watching like exhibitions porn, where it’s like a girl just playing with self in public and walking down the street.

So it’s kind of, it is wrong, but it is a bit of a turn on as well. Yeah. I 

[00:22:31] Moineau: also wonder in those moments, I mean, I know some of them aren’t staged, but then I think some of them are stage. Do you see the ones that are like. In a bus or something and I’m like, do they hire? Oh yeah, they do.

[00:22:50] Chief: yeah. Well they could all get us not sexual because 

[00:22:54] Moineau: basically it comes down to consent amongst willing and capable. 

[00:23:00] Chief: Yeah. Yeah. I’ve got no problem with, you know, if someone wants to have pain inflicted on them, then, I mean, me personally, I would draw the line. Yeah. You know, I don’t know, really hurting them, even if they were like, yeah, I want you to cut me then that’s not, for me.

That’s hard limit for me, but I’ve got no problem. If other people want to engage in that and also got to make sure that the sub is really consenting and not just saying they consent because they want to make you happy. So if you’re going out with someone who likes to please other people, you got to really make sure that.

This is 

[00:23:34] Moineau: why the sex menu was important. And I think also contracts as well, having some, having safety measures set in place and taking out all the precautions, like you said, taking all the precautions you can to make sure that the place stays safe and within the realms of what is acceptable checking in, even during.

Not ignoring safe words, having safe words, like all that stuff is good. Yeah. Cool. All right. Next question. Tell us about a humorous BDSM slash king experience that you’ve had, 

[00:24:10] Chief: or if you 

[00:24:11] Moineau: haven’t had one. So maybe this one talk about aspects of kink, BDSM that you find. 

[00:24:19] Chief: Well, yeah, my phone is already was that, that getting to that person’s house and we actually 

[00:24:23] Moineau: just went to a comedy night about I mean, 

[00:24:26] Chief: that was genuinely about, I 

[00:24:29] Moineau: know, but no, but that’s, it was also funny to think about one of the comedians would just talk about the humorous aspects of kink that, you know, we’re walking around and like yeah.

Like spank my out, like. These, these aspects of team that if you look at it from outside of being turned on, they can be considered quite silly. If you think about, I don’t know. 

[00:24:50] Chief: Yeah, it was, it was a good night, but that was funny because it was actually funny. I think that the question is more referring. It seems to things that are unintentionally funny.

I mean, I, I, I don’t know. I find the whole Dom’s wearing PVC and leather a bit, a bit funny. It’s not funny, but just because it’s a bit strange.

It might just be the places I’ve been. But for me, it Dom is like, you know, the guy in the suit, well put together professional, good job. But I guess the, the, you know, stereotype, well stereotypic in some sense, but then for a lot of people that Dom is the guy who wears the leather wasteco and chaps, and which is, it’s almost a lot that seems to have come from.

The gay community. Yeah. And the leather community. And so there’s obviously an overlap, but when I, when I see like straight men who were like dorms and they’re walking around in these little leather waistcoats, I just, I just find it about music. Amazing 

[00:25:52] Moineau: to think about how the history has obviously intertwined.

And when people don’t know the history of whatever kink. Tradition that they’re playing into, then I do think it can be it’s amusing being in the know, or like knowing where that comes from actually, or the like the ring thing, meaning different symbols at raves or whatever. Like we have these holdovers now in the kink community that sometimes people don’t realize the foundation of them.

Yeah. 

[00:26:20] Chief: Any other examples that I’ve seen at parties? That’d be funny. I mean, 

[00:26:25] Moineau: I think it’s kind of funny. Well, The idea that dominant has to ask permission to talk to another Dom’s sub like at a party, which not F like that’s not always the case. And oftentimes it isn’t the case now, but that has been like, it’s something that is persistent in the literature, especially.

But I’ve always found. Interesting funny, like how you have to like ask permission to be like, oh, is it okay? You know, like if I spank yourself last or something, I find, I think it’s good. I think it’s really good. But I do find that humorous if you’re thinking, like, if we were just all adults at a, at a pub, you know, it wouldn’t 

[00:27:09] Chief: necessarily, I’m trying to think if, if like I’m imagining like a 19, 1920s.

You know, you got an English country mansion and you’ve got the men have gone off to the smoking room and the women are chatting gossip weather in that situation, the man, it would have had to ask to talk to that to the women. I don’t, I don’t think so, but it just reminds me of 

[00:27:31] Moineau: that sort of thing, protocols that have been morphed and like still kind of hold over.

All right. Explain as best you can, what the appeal of kink or BDSM is to you. Why are you drawn to what you are drawn to? 

[00:27:50] Chief: I think it, as I said, is the, is it’s knowing if someone’s willing to submit to you, then they must like you. So ultimately I think it’s that, but then just being able to. People into BDSM as well, tend to be more open-minded and more willing to explore.

They tend to be more queer. So more open as a guy. If you’ve got someone who’s more into, you know, being bisexual and, and is able to therefore go and play with other women, of course, that’s hot to watch or, or in, in the involved in. So yeah, I think the BDSM community. The thing that appeals about king, cause people are more open, they’re more honest, they are willing to share more, better communicators.

And all of that means that it’s more likely you are to be able to explore your fancies and the kind of things you’ve always wanted to do, but I’ve never actually done. And that’s hot. 

[00:28:48] Moineau: I feel leads to more interesting conversations and I feel like when you do. Come across someone else who was kinky that instantly opens up this avenue of communication.

That’s more like let’s drop the pretenses, then we can, we can talk like, you know, like, Yeah. 

[00:29:04] Chief: Yeah. Do you know what actually I was thinking of this reminds me say when we went, we went to a board games session the other day, and one guy when he was unreal, I don’t know if you caught this. When he was unwrapping the deck of cards, it was wrapped in the kind of cellophane that is used to make bondage tape.

And he, as he unwrapped it, he was like, oh, you know, this is great for that. Th to holding together cards and it can also buy it from your local and summer’s shop. And then he met and he said something else as well. And I was like, this guy is definitely into BDSM and. Rigging. And so I was gonna, I was gonna ask him directly afterwards, but it, you just get that instant bonds.

So I didn’t actually get to speak to them afterwards, but 

[00:29:43] Moineau: you could tell 

[00:29:45] Chief: like he was, and that actually comes back to signaling. You can signal you are into it without cause people don’t want him to, it would not. Picked up on that. I think they would have just thought I was just making sex jokes, whereas it’s a bit more new.

And so if you’re trying to meet someone again, you can drop hints like that. 

[00:30:03] Moineau: That’s a nice segue to, how would you say real life BDSM or kink berries from fantasy BDSM and kink the BDS, the, the experience of real life versus fantasy. We read about or see in porn. 

[00:30:21] Chief: It’s just, it’s just not, it’s almost not as intense because you’re not doing it all the time.

And so a lot of people think that it’s. It’s a lot of people think it’s super high protocol, meaning it’s super strict. The person the sub gets punished. If they don’t do anything, the Dom is totally in control. The sub has no say in it. And it’s 24 7, which is what you obviously see in porn because that’s the extreme end of it.

And somebody, some relationships are like that. And some people love that. But for us, for example, it’s most of the time it’s a normal. Sort of dynamic. You’re not, you’re not in that Dom sub mindset. Of course, it’s, it’s, there’s an undercurrent of it just because of our personalities. And so, so it is there, but it’s not 24 7 sexual.

It’s just, it’s just there and. And it’s such a broad spectrum of dominance and submission as well. It’s, there’s so many different types of dorms, so many different types of sub some wanted just in the bedroom had outside the bedroom, some sex isn’t even involved. It’s just having financial control or some sort of control over the other person.

So. I think, I think that’s, what’s different and the consent it’s not making someone there’s a, there’s a belief that is making someone do something against their will. It’s not, it’s absolutely not. It’s the opposite. It’s the sub is the one who is kind of in control and saying, yes, I am offering my submissiveness as a gift almost, and I can take it away at any time.

[00:31:56] Moineau: Is going to be respected as well, but the moment they say stop that it will be respected. I think that’s something that I really appreciate with the BDSM community is that like, there is such a big focus on 

[00:32:09] Chief: consent. Yeah. If you go to a kink club, they are more respectful. If you go to a nightclub, there’s like, I bet there’s, there’s no touch.

Yeah. Can you think of how many women are getting grouped in a standard nightclub on a nights and an unwanted advances? Yeah, it’s safer. A king, a kink party would be far safer. I would imagine than going to a, just a regular club. 

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE:  Ep 12: Answering BDSM Questions From Reddit

[00:32:35] Moineau: We’re saying generally speaking, generally speaking, but also the vetting process as well.

It’s quite, it’s just because everyone’s 

[00:32:41] Chief: more switched on. Everyone’s knows about consent again, not everyone, but the vast majority and it, and someone will say something. If, if they S they see it, 

[00:32:51] Moineau: if they witnessed something or even someone who’s. Might be impaired by, from making decisions. They’ll, they’ll voice that as well.

So, yeah. Cool. I also want, I think that people think that BDSM is very much your sexy sort of, you know, 50 shades of gray, like extremely. It’s extremely glow glorified and like glamorized and in real life, like 

[00:33:22] Chief: not rich millionaire, it doesn’t really happen like that, unfortunately. But then 

[00:33:29] Moineau: even like the thing, the, and I read this on Reddit a lot, how subs are talking about callers are getting color everything’s like that.

And they, they put this emphasis. On a colorings ceremony, which obviously some people do use as like big, you know, significant moments. But I genuinely walking around you don’t really see that. When 

[00:33:55] Chief: it comes, it comes back to the high protocol thing that’s coloring and really strict BDSM contracts are I put on the higher, higher protocol side of things.

And so, yeah, you don’t see, I mean, when we get it, you can give it as we see people with collars in those events and we’ve been to like non yeah. It’s 

[00:34:15] Moineau: not, it’s not as common as people think. It’s not like there’s some BDSM court of protocol. That’s like going around to making sure that, yeah, 

[00:34:26] Chief: there’s not a school.

There’s not a S a set of rules that you have to follow. Someone has just made this stuff up. And I mean, it doesn’t, the coloring probably comes is more, what is it? Green, green slave. 

[00:34:36] Moineau: Yeah, there’s some, it’s very nuanced history of. But then you come from ties from obviously slavery, but then literature as well.

Marquis it’s. So there’s, what’s interesting is that literature has definitely influenced people’s perception of BDSM. And that has then influenced how Buddhism has progressed in real 

[00:35:01] Chief: life and poor. And of course you get that strongly influence and 50 shades of gray, you know, I feel like BSM is dead.

Risen in the last 10 years, because of even the last five. Yeah. It’s in some ways. Good. Some ways bad in some ways it’s good because it’s become more acceptable to talk about it. I think if you, I think most people wouldn’t know what was reality 

[00:35:21] Moineau: TV now. 

[00:35:22] Chief: Yeah, exactly. It’s just so common. And again, if you go on Tik TOK, it’s almost like you’re saying what your king is and being, being by or being into swinging or being in an open relationship is almost.

It’s almost a, a brag now it’s almost like, Hey, look at me, I’m into all this cool stuff, which is kind of good way to kind of buy it as well. Yeah. It’s kind of good. Kind 

[00:35:46] Moineau: of bad. Yeah. And it does mean, I think about people who are already into kink and BDSM, they do need. Kind of not gatekeep, but safeguard and make sure that people are like, I think there is a responsibility that people in BDSM have to make sure that everyone is kind of, not that there are a set of rules, but that people are falling general 

[00:36:07] Chief: on that note go to kinky event, stock ADK.

Of course I’m promoting my own website because that’s what, that’s what the whole purpose of it is. I didn’t have a, I didn’t have a clear set of rules or instructions or guide on how to be a dome. So. I started kinky events to start writing articles that again are very opinionated and that, you know, they’re based on my experiences, but hopefully they’re of use to some people and good guides to get you started.

[00:36:34] Moineau: I think so. I think they’re great. Yeah, definitely check them out. Nice little plug, but I thought it was, it was. Very familiar. Yeah. 

[00:36:46] Chief: And listen to all of the episodes of the podcast now streaming on all your favorite streaming services. 

[00:36:52] Moineau: Interesting. Maybe we should get into voice acting. I see. All right.

Here’s a really intriguing question. What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally? 

[00:37:07] Chief: Dating. Yeah. Finding people who are like minded and who, even though it goes against what I just said and it becoming more acceptable, it’s still not all that acceptable and saying that you’re a dome scares people off.

They don’t understand it. They don’t take the time to understand it. And yeah, it, it, it’s really difficult to find people that are into it. But then especially if you’re also want it to be an open relationship, then. You know, quite a lot of people are not into that at all. So not only do you want it to be open, but you want it to be kinky and it DS and not just in the bedroom, that massively limits your amount of people that you can talk to.

And, and be, even making friends it’s hard enough in the modern day to make friends with normal people and then not the Kinko’s design normal, you know what I mean? Just regular, regular friends. And then Yeah. So even when you do meet people in the kinky community, then keeping, keeping friends with them, keeping contact with them and.

[00:38:04] Moineau: Yeah. Yeah. It’s, it’s, it’s hard to, unless you’re going to these parties on events, which obviously costs money. Obviously you have like whole life. It can be really costly if you want to have the social element 

[00:38:19] Chief: to it, which we kind of do. 

[00:38:22] Moineau: You want, you want to be able to talk to friends and to meet people and like, not have to hide that.

[00:38:27] Chief: That’s the other thing you can’t talk to your current friends. You can’t talk, I can’t talk to my mates about this because not because I’m embarrassed by it, but they’re just, they 

[00:38:37] Moineau: want to understand. 

[00:38:39] Chief: Yeah, what am I going to say to them? They’d just be like, oh, cool. Okay. Yeah. They don’t know enough about it to have a interesting conversation about it or for me to, 

[00:38:48] Moineau: there’ll be an instant judgment there, and then you have to try to caveat it.

And 

[00:38:52] Chief: it’s more just like, but it’s more just like, if they’re talking about football, I have nothing to offer to that conversation. I don’t, I don’t know. I don’t know the lingo. I don’t know what to say. So if I start talking about pizza and they can have the same thing, they weren’t, they weren’t able to converse about it because it’s not interested in 

[00:39:05] Moineau: socializing.

Socializing it’s tricky anyways, but add a BDSM into it and it does make it challenging. Yeah. 

[00:39:15] Chief: I think you can get, you can meet people you like, and then they’re not into BDSM. So that sucks. Or, and people who are 

[00:39:22] Moineau: into everything BDSM that you like, but that you’re like, I actually. I have nothing to say to you outside like this.

[00:39:30] Chief: Exactly. 

[00:39:31] Moineau: Yeah. So that’s actually another coin. Another side of the coin. Yeah. It’s tricky. I do appreciate how online, like social media, not social media really, but like forums and things that have, have become sort of places where people can have these sorts of kids discussions. 

All right. Next question. What misconceptions about kinky people? Would you most like to clear up 

[00:39:58] Chief: that w that is what we were saying earlier? That just cause you’re kinky you’re in this, you’re super deep into this weird subculture. 

[00:40:07] Moineau: There’s an element of kind of going against the authority and that like the social, the social norm and there’s. So there is a punk element to kink, you know, like through the man and, and the thing is obviously any sort of subculture that has this idea of like challenging.

What is, what is the social norm and challenging the authority that is going to then. Have crossovers to other subcultures. Like there is. Relationship between the metal community and kink or the leather community. You have all these different subcultures that you will find them in the kink community as 

[00:40:45] Chief: well.

Yeah. Yeah. But yeah BDSM is so diverse. You get everyone. I mean, why, what I’ve seen is that the people tend to be your same, tend to be more alternative, and then you get the other stereotype, is that swingers? So the swing is not quite the same as people into they wouldn’t classify. Kingston, there is an overlap, but not that they there’s a misconception again, that is all about, you know, overweight 60 year old, old people.

And it’s not, I mean, there’s, the swing has clubs that we’ve been to. People are young, attractive people. There’s a lot of people in there, 25 to 30 to a 25 to forties in that that are very attractive people. And again, they’re not super tentative. They’re just normal people. And some of them are into kink as well.

So if you’re, you don’t have to, if you enjoy swinging and that’s, it’s quite an old term now, but if you enjoy kind of playing with other people that doesn’t mean you have to spend to be Sam. And if you’re into BDSM, if you’re into BDSM, it doesn’t mean you have to be, you have to play with other people or be open or anything like that.

You can still be. Intuit and just with your partner and you know, the same partner you’ve had and be married to you for years, it’s not a young person’s game. It’s not an old person’s game. It’s for everyone. And the there’s probably an aspect of it that is appealing to you. It’s such a, such a broad thing.

It’s not BDSM. Someone tied up and the other person whipping them. That is one part of it. It’s one part of it, but it’s like 1% of that. Yeah, for me, it’s the mental side of it. That’s what I find appealing. 

[00:42:18] Moineau: That’s a nice segue. You discussed very nicely in your book, sensational scenes, which I think is doesn’t get enough praise.

[00:42:27] Chief: Yes. If you’re a beginner, if you’re a dome and you want to know my analytical take on how to. The mentality yeah. On the, on the mentality as well as the physicality. Cause I think we will have a tendency to certainly I did. I was like, right, I’m going to learn G-spot massage and then learn a spot massage.

I’m going to learn how to stimulate the clit the right way. And I’m going to learn NLP and I’m going to let them hypnosis and I’m going to learn shakras and I’m going to learn Reiki and England, how to combine them all together to give the ultimate pleasure and. Bless. Yeah. But then you like, none of those techniques work, none of those work if, if they do work, but not, if you haven’t got the person’s trust, if you haven’t got their consent, if they’re not feeling comfortable, if they’re not feeling warm, all of these other elements or environmental factors have to be in place.

And S and the mental side of things is 80% of the game. So you could, so yeah, if you, if you, if you’ve learned all these techniques, great. The simplest technique can work really well if you combine it with the mental aspects. And that’s what the book touches on. 

[00:43:28] Moineau: Also just, it’s not all about the orgasm, you know, like I think BDS, like beat some play can be completely satisfying and have nothing to do with sex, you know, like it, but it can still, it just scratches that itch, you know of, and it can be non-sexual or it can be.

Our essential without reaching a climax. That’s some people’s entire dynamic is 

[00:43:53] Chief: organic. It can be non-sexual. It can be non-fiction as well, putting someone in a chastity device, again, not for me, but that is BDSM sexual because, oh, sorry. Yeah, that is sexual, but it’s not on orgasm. 

[00:44:06] Moineau: The focus was on the sexual, but yes.

Can we end a final question? So any unexpected ways kink has improved your life and if so, what. 

[00:44:18] Chief: Yeah, work and communication. Because I mean, it’s king, you have to, I’ve had to read a lot of books on non-verbal nonviolent communication, for example, how to becoming more insertive, asking for things I want, rather than playing the nice guy and kind of hinting at things I want and then getting resentful when I don’t get them.

Cause obviously I haven’t actually explained to the other person that I want them. You know, asking for, so asking like, oh, would you like to give me a blowjob rather than, Hey, I would like a blowjob. Would you, would you be willing to give them? To me? Those statements are very similar, but they’re, they’re very different.

So yeah, things like that, knowing, learning how to communicate better. And then just the assertiveness, I think as well has helped me at work. I mean, I think they both have helped each other Yeah. Just, just standing up for yourself in a way, communicating better. I’m asking for you what, what you want being okay.

If someone says no, of course. That’s, I mean, that’s always been, I’ve already been all right with that, but not taking things as personally. Yeah. So yeah, I think, I think it helps and it, that would help in any relationship I was in. Boundaries trying to set what people, what you are. And aren’t comfortable with people doing, if someone’s always late or, you know, just your friends are trying to get you to do something and you don’t want to do it, then you just become, be very clear and say, look, no, this is, this is what I believe in the here’s my line.

If you’re not okay with that, that’s fine. But his, his wife. 

[00:45:46] Moineau: Great sounds. I mean, I think those are all great aspects of that kink help with that. You can then transfer over into your everyday life. Yeah. I think that’s as a submissive it’s trickier perhaps to answer that question with that answer, but I can see it, but the communication element and boundaries are still something that are definitely.

I definitely feel like I’ve improved, 

[00:46:10] Chief: but don’t you as a sub, you still have to get better being assertive because you have to still say what you like and what you want. 

[00:46:17] Moineau: But yeah, I think subs still struggle with that just in the nature of those who are not truly submissive in. Everyday life are going to struggle with that in everyday scenarios.

Anyways, because you want to, you want to please people you want to serve people. So it kind of like screw your own interests, you know? Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:46:36] Chief: But it hasn’t helped like, cause it, I don’t, I find it’s non detriment because you’re, if you’re two people pleasing to other people, then you put them them above yourself and you can get yourself into tricky situations.

Being a dome thing. A dome though allows, allows me to say. If I think you’re being too pleasing, I can give my viewers dominance how I would have handled the situation and maybe help you. I, 

[00:47:01] Moineau: I do think it’s very useful having the dominant perspective in situations, and I can think like, how would you have, or how would you handle handle the situation?

And oftentimes. If there’s some middle ground there that I’m like, oh, I should probably, that’s probably what is the correct response, but yeah, no, it’s just what, what I see and hear about, and then what happens in reality. And I think I’m not the only submissive to struggle with that, you know, like with that element to it, but definitely knowing what my boundaries are and being able to better communicate.

Obviously, I think everyone can work in communication all the time. But it’s definitely something that’s expressed very nicely in the BDSM community. 

[00:47:50] Chief: Perfect. Yeah. All right. Well, hopefully you enjoy listening to that and learn a few things. I’ll put the questions up. Along with the blog post that will go up on kinkyevents.co.uk.

And hopefully the questions will be in the description of wherever you’re listening to this podcast that you can ask them to your partner or to your friends and family and see what maybe not to your family. It depends if you’ve got that kind of relationship with your parents. That is awesome. And I admire that.

So yeah. Good luck. So yeah, headed over to kinky events. Okay. DK sign up for the newsletter as well. For lots more Dom and sub type advice. If you’re just getting into this and we’ll see you on the next episode. Thanks for listening. Bye.

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