I have known that I’m kinky for as long as I can remember, but it’s only recently that I have been lucky enough to explore what living this lifestyle is really like!
I feel I have learnt a lot in my short exploration and, as someone very new and eager to learn, I know how daunting the experience can be.
If you are reading this, I imagine you are in a similar place to me at the beginning of your own journey or just starting out (I am so excited for you).
Maybe, like me, you have ideas and fantasies about what a D/s dynamic is like. I hope this article will maybe answer some questions and make it easier for you to explore safely and with confidence!
So, without further ado, here are the five things I have learned so far.
1. Your sex menu is your Kinky Bible
I cannot stress enough how helpful I found it to have an organised space with all of my wants, needs and limits in one place. Filling out my sex menu was one of the first things that Chief asked me to do when we began talking. I made myself tea, locked myself in my room and spent a good hour reading through each activity and really thinking about whether it is something that is a need it, yes please, try it , indifferent, soft limit or hard limit.
I found I actually learned a lot about myself from my own answers, and honestly, I would encourage anyone to fill out a menu like this, regardless of whether they are kinky or not!
How can we expect our partners to learn what we like unless we know ourselves? I should say that when you do fill out a sex menu it is important to be completely honest with yourself, this is something for YOU and must be true to yourself.
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If you really like receiving oral but you know your partner isn’t a fan of giving it, still put that you love receiving oral. You’re not demanding that your partner gives it to you, but you are allowed to be honest about what you want. I know this might sound scary, especially for women who are not used to voicing our desires, but I promise it will be worth it in the long run and using a written menu is a lot less intimidating than actually saying these things out loud.
2. The only person you need to answer to is yourself
Learn to negotiate with your shame gremlin! It’s no secret that society teaches women so much crap about our sexuality and shame is something that I have had to navigate frequently in my sex life.
There is no easy way to overcome this and I won’t lie to you and pretend you can learn it in a blog post. It takes time and I am still working on it myself. Instead, I will share with you the very honest rambling diary entry that I wrote to myself on the train back from visiting Chief for the first time.
I am allowed to have experiences, good and bad. I am allowed to make my own mistakes and decide for myself what feels right and wrong. I will not know what is right without allowing myself to explore and learn. I will not feel guilty for exploring myself and my desires and I will not be made to feel shame by others. Exploring is not dirty or wrong and my sense of self will not be shifted and manipulated by society. I am allowed all of these experiences and I will explore them without judgement.
Belle’s Journal
It’s not elegant or well written, but it is honest and it was what I needed to tell myself that day, because truly, as long as you can look in the mirror and know that what your doing is true to yourself and what you believe is right, that is all that matters.
3. Negotiation isn’t this big thing
People seem to have this idea that there is a very specific time in the dynamic where you have a board room style meeting and negotiate the ins and outs of the dynamic.
In my experience, this is not the case.
Of course, you talk about what it is you do and don’t want, but this should be an ongoing conversation and that communication should be kept free flowing.
There isn’t really a moment in time where the rules are laid out and fixed in stone. I guess the closest thing to negotiation was when we exchanged our sex menus. This opened up a natural conversation and discussion about both our likes and limits, which we still talk about on a regular basis.
Depending on your dynamic, negotiation may be important before a scene and I would definitely recommend talking about anything new and different before you try it. But if you have been playing with a partner for a while and you have read their sex menu and understood what they like and don’t like, you don’t necessarily need to negotiate the scene in depth every time you play.
Instead, it is far better to check in with your partner and communicate throughout play. Some people think this ruins the moment, but to me there is nothing sexier than Chief whispering in my ear “How does that feel” whilst experimenting with a new toy.
4. Sometimes you won’t want to play and that’s okay
Even the most naturally submissive person in the world needs a break sometimes. Our sexual libido is linked to so many things; hormones, anxiety, and even just the weather. It doesn’t make you a bad submissive if sometimes you don’t want to play. You have every right to say “No”, and consent should be enthusiastic.
I would go as far as to argue it makes you a better submissive for knowing when to say no.
When I last went to see Chief, I had this romanticised idea that I would get on the train and leave all of my worries and thoughts on the platform, have a mental break from the real world and fall right into a submissive mindset as soon as I arrived in London.
Sometimes I can do that and it is nice to have a very real prompt, like a train journey and a different city to shift your headspace, but this time it didn’t work. I was anxious about personal issues and I learned the hard way that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can’t control what you feel and you have to be kind and patient with yourself.
I had to tell Chief that I didn’t want sex that day and that sucked because I really wanted to want sex! I had come all that way and had so many things I wanted to try, but I had to listen to what my body was telling me.
You should always feel able to tell your partner no at any point and, unless they are a Fake Dom, they will respect your limits.
5. Don’t give up!
I spent so much time searching for the right person to explore with and there was a point where gave up, convinced that this lifestyle was just a fantasy! I have spent years looking for a community that I fit into and I have made a lot of mistakes because I was so keen to have what I wanted.
What I have learned is that good, dominant men do exist! You just have to search a little harder for them. Please don’t make the mistake that I made of rushing into things with men who are often fake Doms.
Instead, stick to your limits.
Don’t talk to someone that makes you feel uncomfortable just because they say they have experience with BDSM. You deserve all your fantasies, but sometimes we have to wait a little longer than we would like to make them come true safely. I promise it will be worth the wait when you do find the right people.
My best advice would be to get involved! Don’t wait for Mr Perfect to come to you. If dating apps aren’t working, then get dressed up and go to an event! Most cities have their own local munches and if you live in London there is an endless list of events you can explore.
I know it sounds scary, but why not take a friend and see it as something to tick off the bucket list!
I promise It’s not as daunting as it seems and you might meet some really great people.
Summary
There are so many things that I have learnt in my very short exploration, but these were the five things that I found most important, and I really hope that by sharing them it might answer some questions you have.
It’s surprisingly liberating to talk through my experience so far and I would love to know if any of these points resonated with you, or what you have learnt recently in your own dynamic. So please leave a comment or talk to me directly in The KE Dom sub Community.
Best wishes
Belle x
I really appreciate your deep dive into what you have learned. The main take away for me after reading your article is
A. Sex menu is your Bible (refer back to it often and delve into maybe new areas because like anything it will change and have an organic flow.
B. Be honest with yourself about what you like and don’t like. Figure out what your own soft and hard edges are.
C. Be patient with yourself, trust your gut, and listen to your intuition.
D. Communication is key (especially with oneself). Once you are clear about your sex menu, what you want, don’t want, you can share this with your Dom.
E. Give yourself room to grow, to learn, to change for the better. Remember that we are humans and that our libido will have her own natural rythm, ebb and flow. That is totally normal.
F. Respect yourself and show up for yourself and your Domm.
G. Do the things that give you pleasure, feed your spirit, lift your heart, give you energy, and say yes to your pleasure, in this moment, just as you are. Yes!
H. Cultivate patience as a means of creating mindfulness in yourself.
Thank you so much Belle. I really appreciate you choosing to be courageous and share your experiences and show what you have learned about being a Sub. Thank you. I appreciate you.