The room is dark. I am on my knees by the bed, waiting, head bowed, my breathing sharp and shallow. I focus on each breath, one, two, in and out; it calms me down, centres me; beginning the process of getting me into a submissive mindset. I feel the fibres of the carpet pressing against my sensitive skin as I shift my weight; it almost burns. I am dressed in my pure white lace bra and panties, as instructed, my nipples prickle as they press hard against the material straining to be freed.
Suddenly I hear the firm, deliberate steps of my Dom ascending the stairs, my heart quickens; it will be soon. I hear the door handle click and hear as he enters the room. I sense his eyes looking me over, inspecting me. I straighten my back, readying myself for his approval. He gives a deep low chuckle; I want to look up, but I dare not.
‘Good Girl’, He says. I am rendered a pool on the floor. How does he do that? Just two words. I keep my head bowed and hear him walk toward me. His feet come into my view, they are bare, I know exactly what to do. In a total act of submission, I lean forward and kiss each foot.
It’s one moment in time, just one moment but with each kiss of his feet I sink further and further into submission, he is my focus, I exist only to serve him. I am his toy, his ragdoll like plaything to use as he will for his pleasure.
To anyone vanilla, this simple act of kissing my Dom’s feet would appear degrading, dirty even, however I want this, I need this and to be honest, it is what I asked for. This was discussed and consented with my Dom. Kissing someone’s feet gets you to the lowest point possible and to me signifies my total submission to my Dom. But why do I want this, what is it about submission that I crave and need in my life?
This question is something I have been asking myself for a long time and have only recently felt settled and content with my answers and reasoning.
I remember the first time my now husband and Dom told me I was submissive. We were walking in a wooded area; the sun was shining and there was the distant sound of people enjoying the warm spring weather. We had discussed our likes and dislikes briefly (it was still early days in our relationship so no real D/s dynamic had been entered into or established) so my Dom knew what I would be comfortable with however as we silently walked along, twigs snapping underfoot I was surprised when suddenly, he stopped, turned towards me and said, “Remove your jeans.”
We stood silently watching each other, reading each other, tension building. I slowly lowered my hands to unbutton my jeans, eyes locked on my Dom’s whilst I pushed my jeans to the floor and stepped out of them.
“Take your top off.”
With one swift movement I removed my top. Now standing in just my underwear and flip flops I felt an overwhelming feeling of calm. I felt safe and I felt loved. My Dom’s eyes were on me, but I knew he was also looking around to ensure my safety and our privacy. He walked towards me, cupped my face in his hands and kissed me firmly. Grabbing a fistful of hair, he deepened his kiss then in a low and firm voice he ordered me to get on all fours. Without hesitation I quickly did as I was told. Five hard spanks came my way firm enough to feel the sting and heat but not enough to make me cry out; he knew what he was doing.
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“Lie down on your front for me.”
Sensing my hesitation, he placed one hand on my back while the other stroked my hair. With his reassurance I lowered myself to the ground. The ground was damp and cold, and I could feel my hands and feet sink into the earth as the mud oozed between my fingers. Next thing his hands were under my arms lifting me up. He held me for a few moments, kissed the top of my head and then told me to get dressed.
As we walked back to the car, we discussed what had happened and it was then that he said, “You are so submissive.” Now, I had known what I was from about the age of three. I have memories of being under my bed pretending that I had been locked up by a wicked witch and was being punished for not completing chores. So, wanting to submit was not a new concept or feeling, however, no one had ever said I was submissive before and to be honest, I was offended. Submission, society had taught me, was bad, degrading, oppressive and what women had fought against for years. So why was it such a turn on and why did I want to submit?
Having a word for what I had felt from an early age was strangely freeing and I began to reflect on what that meant and why I needed and craved it so much. To me submission is freedom, as a woman, I am so lucky to have grown up and exist in a society where woman have choice and freedom. I am very aware of the fight woman have gone through over the years to get to this point that initially I felt guilty. I questioned if what I was choosing to do was essentially sticking two fingers up to woman’s liberation. However, to me submission is liberating. I choose to submit and am lucky enough to have that choice. When I submit to my Dom, yes there is a change in power dynamic, but this is fully consented to and what we do together has been fully discussed and is consensual. The D/s dynamic is a relationship built on trust, respect and in our case, love. Submission frees me, calms me and fuck yes, it turns me on.
Submission has always been my go-to even from an early age. As I said, I have memories from the age of three and although I did not realise what these feelings meant, I knew they felt good. Throughout my teens, secret fantasies of hot school masters setting me tasks and making me run errands in return for rewards and being punished if these tasks were not completed were both arousing and calming for me, freeing me from the stresses and strains of teenage life. Even now, if I have a really shitty day at work, all I crave is to be bent over my Dom’s knee or bed and spanked hard and used for his pleasure. There is something in my submission that centres and focuses me and allows me not to think. My Dom has control of my body, mind and soul he can take me on the most sensual and mind-blowing journeys and leads me safely back. I can let go.
As a control freak in daily life the ability to let go and let others lead is difficult. Ensuring I have control over my work, and everyday life is essential to the “chimp” inside my head that tells me the world would be extremely scary and would essentially fall apart if I do not hold the reins tightly. The chimp is often a reference to the primitive part of our brain that reacts emotionally, often to irrational fears and is often the “what if” in my head which makes me hold those reins a little tighter. The chimp feeds off my stress and anxiety and wants me to stay in complete control. In submission, I am giving permission for my Dom to take control of me. I am deciding to give control over to someone else and because I decide to do that, it pushes the chimp away, to the back of my mind and calms him (or me) down. Submission tells the chimp that the world is not scary and that I can let go and feel safe and secure. In this respect, submission acts as a kind of mindfulness for me and is an important part of my well-being.
As well as the freeing, calming mindfulness that I get from submission, it cannot be denied that submitting to my Dom is extremely sexy and arousing. There is nothing more exciting than the sexual tension built up by the exchange of power. Just a look, a raised eyebrow a couple of spoken words or a tight hold sends me reeling into submission, adrenaline rushing, and arousal heightened by the endless possibilities about to come my way. I also love the feeling of pride and achievement I get when I have pleased my Dom. Even punishments serve their purpose and although they are not enjoyable, help me to learn and reflect which in turn strengthens our D/s dynamic. Playful punishments however, well, I can playfully act up just to receive one of those – God they’re good.
Reflecting on why I crave and need to submit has also led me to understand my core desires, why I want to submit and how I want to feel within my submission. Whenever I enter into a BDSM scene I am my Dom’s sole focus of attention, what he wants and needs in that moment. I am his desire. I believe these to be my core desires that feed my need to submit. When I am submitting to my Dom, I want to feel wanted, needed and his number one. I feel that it is these core desires that provide the foundations for my submission and further adds to why I want to submit. Communicating these core desires to my Dom has only served to strengthen our D/s dynamic and sexual play. My Dom touches me tenderly before he spanks me, he holds me tightly before tying me up, he lovingly strokes my hair before pulling it hard. He sends me into subspace where I feel contented, safe and loved.
It is in the simple acts of submission and beautiful moments of pleasure that I feel complete. It is part of me, it always has been, it is interwoven into my very being, I need this, I can’t do without it.
