How not to be that creepy guy at a sex party

I’ve been to a number of sex parties over the years. So many in fact that I can’t actually remember the first one. I think it was Torture Garden (more of a techno fetish rave than a sex party) in London. Or maybe it was the swingers club Le Boudoir. It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that as a guy, you have to be aware of the impact your presence can have when you attend these events.

At this point I’ll throw out the obligatory ‘not all men’ statement. Because it’s true. Not all men are oblivious. Not all men fall foul of the guidelines I’m going to talk about below. And not all men come across as creepy.

But some do.

And maybe YOU do. You just aren’t aware of it. Because no-one has sat you down to have a frank discussion.

I’m no exception.

Face down on the bathroom floor

There are occasions in my early twenties when my frustration at being single led me to a small number of incidents I look back on with dismay, and cringe.

One example was when I was invited to an old school friends Christmas drinks party at his flat in South West London. 

I don’t drink wine (I don’t drink at all nowadays), so back then my go to was Vodka and a mixer. Being a relatively polite guest I always took along my own bottle of Sminoff to consume and share. The trouble is most people don’t start the night on spirits. Meaning that most of the bottle was being drunk solely by me, at a fast pace (because a mixer masks the taste of alcohol). The drunkness crept up on me. One minute I was fine, the next minute I was ‘flirting’ with an old friend who also happened to be at the party.

Now don’t let me wrong. I’ve never (to my knowledge) overstepped the mark and been aggressive, or threatening when drunk. My drunken personality is more that of a toddler on a sugar high. My filter is off, I’m super happy and energetic.

But, some of my conversation begins to swerve towards the lewd. I mean, I do run a sex blog. I can be open on this website with my writing, but most of this stuff I would never say out loud to a stranger. 

Unless I’m drunk.

And I was DRRUUUNNNKK.

Plus I really fancied the woman I was talking to.

She was laughing and it was going well. But at some point I must have come on a little too strong.

I don’t remember what happened.

I do remember lying face down on the bathroom floor with the door locked. My friend’s flat only had one bathroom meaning other guests weren’t able to go to the toilet. It felt like I was only in there a few minutes, but I suspect it was more like an hour.

I also remember waking up the next day to the woman I had been talking to having unfriended me on Facebook.

To this day I don’t know why. I assume it was because of what I had said to her.

The moral of the story is this…

I didn’t know I was being a dick at the time.

I realised I was being a dick several days later.

There are other situations in my life (non dating related) where it is only just dawning on me that I might have been a dick.

We all have blindspots. 

What the hell does this have to do with sex parties?

When you attend a sex party as a man, especially a single man, you should be hyper aware of how you are acting, what you are saying, and your body language.

People at kink parties are being vulnerable. They are exposing themselves – physically and psychologically. They have entered that space on the assumption that they can be their true selves. Some people may never have attended a party before and be incredibly nervous.

Women who are used to being catcalled in the street, followed home by strangers, groped in clubs, and are objectified (in a non-consensual way) daily are taking an even bigger risk than you as a man by being in that environment.

Everyone must understand and respect that. And you, as a man, especially need to respect that.

What does being creepy look like?

The problem is that it is subjective. One person’s creepy is another person’s flirty.

That’s why it is imperative you become an expert at reading body language. Become aware of your surroundings and the impact you are having on others. Don’t just plow on without taking a temperature reading of the room.

Has someone stopped responding to your texts? They’re probably not interested. Stop communicating with them.

Is someone excusing themselves to get a drink? They probably don’t need a drunk, they just want to end the conversation politely without hurting your feelings. Don’t trap them in a conversation with you, insist they stay, or follow them to the bar unless they invite you.

Are you using your physicality in a way which may be perceived as threatening if someone has half your size and strength? Have you even thought about how the way you stand might come off as threatening or is blocking someone’s exit?

All of the above is stuff you should be thinking about WHENEVER you are interacting with a man or woman, in WHATEVER situation. The office, a party, at a bar, in the street.

Sadly it isn’t common sense to everyone.

An example of what ‘creepy’ looks like

I was on the London Underground recently with a young woman of around 25 years old sitting opposite, a few seats down from me. The rest of her side of the carriage was empty.

On gets a guy in his fifties, who promptly chooses the seat RIGHT NEXT TO HER out of the row of ten seats.

Immediately the woman is on edge, as am I.

Unfortunately there’s not much that can be done at this stage. The man’s not doing anything illegal.

Now he tries to talk to her. The woman engages, answering his questions. Yes, she’s smiling. Yes, she’s responding. But it is painfully obvious from her demeanor that she is only doing so out of politeness. The smile is fake, and the rest of her body language is screaming ‘I’m not comfortable with this’.

The guy says he is going for a drink, staring at her as if hoping she would say ‘I’ll join you’.

Eventually he runs out of things to say and stops. But his body is still leaning towards her chair. Meanwhile the woman is leaning the opposite way, and now has her phone out as a way of signaling ‘hey, don’t talk to me, I’m busy’ as politely as possible. 

I’m watching the whole interaction carefully, ready to jump in just in case the guy touches her or things escalate. I’m also in my head trying to figure out if by not saying anything I’m an accomplice. The guy isn’t being threatening or saying anything offensive. He’s just chatting, as some people do. If he was a young attractive guy the woman’s age she might have been fine with it.

Finally the man said ‘this is my stop’ and stood up, hesitating another second in the hope once again the woman would join him. She didn’t. He stepped off the train. The woman waited until he was out of sight then also stood up and got off. She didn’t want him to know she was getting off the train at the same stop, confirming my suspicion that the man had made her uncomfortable.

I’m sure this situation is played out all over the world, thousands of times a day.

Did the man realise he was making her feel uncomfortable but didn’t care? Was he totally oblivious because he had no emotional intelligence and was unable to read body language?

I have no idea. 

I would argue that although the first one is worse, the second one isn’t an excuse.

Bringing it back to kink

This brings me back to the main point of this article.

How do you know if you are a creep?

If you are planning to go to a sex party you need to be hyper aware of how you impact others. Which is why I always recommend men into BDSM and kink spend time working on themselves. Read these books.

10 practical tips so you don’t come across as creepy at a sex party

Right, enough stories. 

Let’s give you some practical tips when attending a party as a man, either as part of a couple or as a single man.

1. Respect personal boundaries and don’t invade someone’s space without permission

Most sex parties have areas where people are playing (having sex) or mingling (chatting, flirting, getting drinks, dancing). It goes without saying that you shouldn’t invade someone’s personal space in either of these locations.

People at sex parties are often wearing fetish gear or lingerie, so be mindful when moving through crowds where your hands are. I will sometimes have my hands near my face, guiding a path through a packed crowd so that I don’t accidentally brush past someone’s naked bum as I walk.

2. Don’t make unwanted physical contact or sexual advances.

When you’re in a space where people are playing, don’t get too close. If you want to watch that’s ok, as long as you are at a comfortable distance.

Never touch people who are playing (or anyone for that matter) without their permission.

Sometimes when I’m at a party playing with Moineau I WANT people to join in. If that’s the case it will be obvious. I’ll be making eye contact with people watching, and inviting them verbally or non-verbally to join in if they would like.

I remember a particular time where Moineau was lying on a bed, her head hanging off it. I was standing beside the bed, my cock in her mouth. A couple had entered the room we were in and sat down on the bed either side of us. I was having a full on conversation with them as Moineau continued to suck me, and they played with her breasts. Glorious.

As a side note, many sex party venues have private rooms. If the room is locked, don’t try and barge in. However, if the door is left ajar this is a universal signal that the people playing inside the room are open to other people entering. It doesn’t mean you can join in, or touch. It just means they are open to you entering and watching.

3. Don’t stare or make prolonged eye contact without permission

This is a tricky one. Part of the reason I go to sex parties is I’m a bit of an exhibitionist and I enjoy people watching as I fuck and show off how well trained my sub is. Therefore, I am okay with people looking without having asked me.

However, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do this.

If you’re a single guy, you’re staring creepily, eye fucking my sub, never looking at me, and it is clear you are lusting over her, then that’s a problem, especially if you are close by.

At one of my first parties I was on an orgy bed with about four other couples. A crowd had gathered around us of older patrons, and they were getting far too close for my liking. One man who was about 60 was wearing all his clothes, but had his fly down and was wanking about half a metre away from me. His wife was reaching out to touch me and my partner without permissions. This is NOT acceptable.

So yes, do watch. It’s incredibly hot to be watched and to watch others play. But just do it sensibly.

If you attend as a mixed couple or as a single woman, you have much more leeway than as a single man.

4. Don’t make negative comments about someone’s appearance or body

The kink space is body positive. Yes, there may be some bodies you are not attracted to. That doesn’t give you the right to comment on them.

Likewise, if there is someone you do find attractive, you still don’t have the right to tell them they ‘have amazing tits’. You can compliment someone on their outfit, but I would avoid making comments about body parts, unless you know the person well.

5. Don’t follow someone around without their permission

You’ve seen someone you like. Perhaps you’ve already spoken to them a couple of times. That doesn’t give you permission to follow them around the rest of the night. It also doesn’t mean they have to talk to you again.

If someone is constantly moving away from you, do not follow them. They are doing it because they don’t want you near them.

Aggressively pursuing someone is very creepy, especially at a sex party.

6. Don’t expect someone to have sex with you

Just because it’s a sex party, it doesn’t mean you’ll have sex.

I remember being at a Killing Kittens event having fun with a couple of women. We were all naked and enjoying ourselves in a booth.

Two guys who were still fully clothed were looking on and laughing. They asked me if ‘they could have a turn’. Urgh.

This is totally the wrong approach.

Firstly, it felt very uncomfortable them being fully clothed and me being naked. I felt like I was in a vulnerable position.

Secondly, they were joking around and making light of the situation. Another instant turn off. I had no idea what they were joking about. It could have been me, or it could have been something completely innocent. 

And finally, the woman aren’t objects. You don’t just get to ‘have a go’. Treat a sex party like an accelerated date. You have to talk to the person you are interested in, find out if they fancy you, and then decide if you want to play together.

In fact, if you do go to a party as a single man, expect NOT to have sex. Yes, that’s right – you probably won’t get laid. Most couples who go are looking for single women, and single women who go either want to play with women for the first time or have their pick of the men and want someone extremely physically attractive. So set your expectations low, and enjoy the atmosphere rather than banking on a sexual encounter.

The same goes if you are a couple. Don’t expect other couples or single women will magically want to join you.

7. Don’t take photos or videos of someone without their permission

Never take photos at a sex party. In fact, don’t even take your phone with you. Most venues will provide a locker where you can leave your phone, or they will request you put them in a sealed bag.

If the party does allow you to take photos, then only take them of yourself, and make sure that there are no people in the background of the photos.

Not everyone is so comfortable with parties and sex. If news that someone had been to a party got back to their employer they might be fired. Or they might be outcast from their family and friends.

Please be careful.

8. Don’t pressure someone to give you their phone number or personal information

People you play with might not be interested in anything other than play. They may not want to see you again, or even for you to know anything about them. They might want to remain anonymous. Respect that.

You can of course ask for their details, but don’t be surprised if they say no. If they do say no, don’t ask again.

9. Don’t get too drunk or out of control

My earlier story is a prime example of why you shouldn’t be going to a sex party drunk, or getting drunk at one. You are more likely to do something stupid, violate consent, and come off as creepy.

Yes, you may need a drink or two for courage, but don’t treat a sex party like a drinking session down the pub with your mates, or a lads’ night out.

10. Show genuine interest in getting to know people and engaging in conversations.

Finally, we are all human. We aren’t just looking for sex, but also connection.

Yes, you are talking to someone at a sex party because you hope you’ll get some action. Everyone knows that. But you should still take your time to get to know them a bit. They probably won’t want to have sex with you if you have a terrible personality or can’t hold a conversation. Likewise, you may not be the best looking dude but your way with words and sense of humor might score you points.

Concluding how not to be a creepy guy, and instead make everyone feel safe around you

Attending a sex party as a man is tricky. There’s no guarantee of having sex, and there’s a chance you will creep people out if you aren’t emotionally intelligent, respectful, and good at reading body language.

The biggest tip I can give you is to go in with no expectations, keep your distance, and be extra aware of how you are impacting others. Talk to people as though you had just met them in a bar and don’t make lewd comments or stare at their body, even if they are standing naked in front of you.

Above all, acknowledge you will be told ‘No’ a lot, and that you must respect that. Don’t try to argue with someone if they don’t want to talk to you, or don’t give you consent to do something with them. Do not follow them around the venue, and don’t treat the women in the venue as though they owe you sex.

Unfortunately, if you are reading this article, you probably aren’t the men who need to hear its message. But by you abiding by the ‘good kinkster’ code, I hope some of your morals and sex positivity will permeate society until these guidelines are everyone’s default way of being.

I can dream.