Finding a dominant partner is probably going to be your most difficult challenge. It’s difficult enough to find someone compatible for a vanilla relationship in this day and age or ADHD and online dating.
Now add a layer of kink on top, as well as all the Fake Doms out there, and you’re left in a real quandary.
I can’t give you the exact set of steps you need to undertake in order to find a dominant partner, but I can give you some tips.
1. Don’t bring up kink right away, but do bring it up early
What I mean by this is, don’t splash that you’re a submissive all over your online dating profile, or blurt it out in your first message, or when you meet someone for the first time.
You need to strategic about when you reveal this side of yourself.
Too early and you’ll end up scaring people away, or attracting a whole load of creeps who want to dominate you right away (not cool doms, not cool).
Too late and you’ll potential end up in a lovely relationship only to find out they are not into kink in any way shape or form, and you’ve got a dilemma as to whether to stay or go on your hands.
There’s no perfect time to reveal your desire to be a sub. You’ll have to use your best judgement depending upon the vibes you get from who you’re dating.
If they mention kink in their profile, you can bring it up earlier. If they use dominant language, or are sex positive and open in their initial questions to you, then you can open up sooner. If they keep things strictly hands off, and shy away from sexual discussions, then you need to take things slower.
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If they are highly sexual off the bat and proclaim to be an amazing dom, then alarm bells should ring. They’re probably not.
It’s also worth remembering the doms are in the same place as you. They can’t outright say they are into domination for fear of scaring off a potentially suitable partner who simply hasn’t explored that side of herself, or doesn’t understand what it means but sees it as a bad thing.
2. Drop hints you’re submissive
Some people include little hints in their profiles, or use submissive language.
I can normally tell from words used, writing style, or pictures if someone has submissive tendencies, but that’s probably because I am attracted to naturally submissive personalities.
That approach won’t help you find those subs who have more dominant personalities in ’normal’ life, but want to be submissive in their relationships.
Try out phrases such as ’The only type of vanilla I like is ice cream’ and ‘open-minded’. If you’re on a more progressive app you might use the phrase ‘kinky’ or ’sex positive’.
You can also put ‘Into D/s, if you know what that means ;)’ if you’re feeling flirty and courageous (although this is probably better for men. Women who do this will probably be inundated with creepy messages from guys.
3. Use kinky apps
Another option is to use more kink friendly apps and websites.
Feeld and OKCupid spring to mind.
Consider creating a profile on Fetlife (the Facebook of kink) describing what you’re in too. When you get chatting to someone, and have tested the water by asking a few flirty questions to find out if they’re down, you can link them to your more kinky profile and see what they think.
4. Widen your kink social circle
The old school way of meeting people (although it takes a lot of time).
A lot of the kink apps host monthly events (certainly here in London) that attract a large crowd. They tend to be couples, but at least you can make friends, who can introduce you to their friends, and your social circle grows (much like you’d meet a vanilla person).
If you’re feeling adventurous you could even a kink night such as Torture Garden (a fetish club night), which isn’t too extreme for newbies, but you’ll meet a few people and know from the off their kinky. I recommend going in a group however, in case you don’t meet someone you’ll have people to chat to.
A final option is to join a local munch (a social meet up for kinky people). I’ve not had much successes at munches. They tend to attract people into the more alternative lifestyle side of BDSM and I don’t have much in common to chat to them about.
5. Beware Fake Doms
In your journey to find a dominant partner, you will encounter people who claim to be doms but are in fact not.
When you are starting out as a submissive you may not fully know what the responsibilities of a dom are, and therefore not able to spot when you are talking to someone who is simply being emotionally abusive.
This could be an entirely new article, but the main think to know is that a partner (whether dominant or submissive) should:
- have your best interests at heart
- communicate with you as an equal (outside the power dynamic)
- listen to your concerns
- never force you to do anything you don’t want to
- never be aggressive or emotionally manipulative towards you if you tell him ‘No’.
Also avoid anyone who attempts to dominate you from the very first interaction, be that on a date or over text. Don’t give your submission to anyone right away.
They must first earn your trust and respect.
If you feel as though your dominant partner is breaking any of these rules, you might be speaking to a fake dom. Tread carefully.
(I’ve now written that article! Read 7 Ways to Spot a Fake Dom (and Why You Should Avoid Them) here).
Concluding how to find a dominant partner
Ultimately, finding a kinky and dominant partner is much like finding a vanilla partner.
Put yourself out there, play the numbers game, remain friendly, and don’t beat yourself up if not every date is your Prince Charming. Recognise the signs of fake doms, and take things slow.
Keep communicating openly, and eventually you’ll end up in the perfect dom sub relationship for you.
Would love to have you as my Dom. You seem knowledgeable and understand what the sub should be and it shows that you have the patience to teach and be the Dom she/he wants. I am a female and want a Dom and for now only in the bedroom and not all the time. I have been experimenting on my own with what I like and how I like it and have talked to a former Dom and know a lot about it. But finding it hard to find one because of my limits. The other Dom told me that would not be easy for me to do. So I need also a teacher and one who will honor my limits no ifs and or buts. I live in Canada and it is not as open here as in the States. If you know someone over here that would be someone I could talk to about being my dom I would appreciate all the help I could get. I do not drive. So traveling to one would not be easy for me and have a pacemaker too and am older than most looking for one.I like a lot of what a Dom does but do not like all the pain that goes with it. Although i do love to be spanked and hair pulled and being tied up in different ways and made to beg and all that sort of thing. I would love to talk to you more about it if you do not mind. I can’t get your book right now as do not have the funds for it but will save up for it and get it later on. I would really like to be the perfect sub for my Dom when and if I ever find one that is.
Sincerely,
Debbie —AKA Velvet
Actually it is pretty hard to find a right fit as many underestimate how complicated the D/S relationships can be and that its not just about being into BDSM or not. Its more like a full spectrum of different dimensions and when you don’t know where you are on these specters then it will be immensely difficult to find the right fit.
I completely agree. It’s first a challenge to find a person you want a standard relationship with, with all the additional BDSM requirements on top. And, as you say, if you don’t yet know your own desires (which many people won’t at first), you may not know what to look for in a Dominant.
I’m not sure if I should know this, but aren’t there places you can go to meet Doms? Maybe places that cater to the bdsm lifestyle and can protect you against fake Doms? When I started looking into this lifestyle I just thought it would be easier to find someone to meet my needs.