This week I attended the London D&S Discussion Munch. The topic of the night was orgasm control, and I wanted to share some of the insights and techniques that came up.
The format was simple but effective:
- About 25 of us sat in a rectangle under an arch in a London pub.
- The moderator introduced the topic of orgasm control and posed some thought-provoking questions.
- Participants took turns sharing their experiences, or asking others follow-up questions.
- Afterwards people socialised like they would at a regular munch.
This was my first time attending a munch like this. Usually, they’re purely social events where you have to muster up the courage to start chatting with strangers without any structured ice-breakers. But I really appreciated the mix of education and social interaction in this format.
Having a focused discussion not only made the evening feel more purposeful, but it also gave everyone a natural way to connect. Sharing experiences and asking questions helped people open up, making it much easier to start conversations afterward. By the time the formal discussion ended, the group felt more comfortable, and the chatter flowed freely. For someone new to the BDSM or kink scene, it is a great way to ease into the social side of things while still learning something valuable.
When the moderator asked who had engaged in orgasm control before, every hand in the room shot up. It was evident this wasn’t a beginner’s group. Not through design, just chance, based on who had turned up (the organiser mentioned that a previous event’s attendees had been mostly inexperienced). The collective experience in that space was impressive, and it created a lively, insightful discussion.
The pub hosting the munch looked out onto the Thames. The lights of London sparkled on the water as the darkness of the winter evening crept in. It had a certain charm. Unfortunately the acoustics weren’t ideal and some participants were on the quieter side. I wasn’t able to hear everything shared. That said, I still walked away with plenty of thought-provoking tidbits.
Key points that stood out for me
I’ll skip the basics of orgasm control. Those deserve their own article. Instead, I’ll focus on the intriguing points and unique perspectives that stood out to me during the discussion.
Orgasm control covers a lot
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At first I was wondering how expansive the topic of orgasm control could be. Would there be enough to discuss? Orgasm control – you just stop them climaxing right? But the more the discussion went on, the more I realised that the topic is pretty large. Orgasm control is a bit of a catch all term, and included activities which I previously categorised as adjacent.
For example, all of these can be classified as belonging to the practise of controlling someone’s orgasm:
- Chastity devices (chastity belts, cock cages, etc.)
- Mental chastity (setting a rule that your partner is not allowed to orgasm, touch themselves, or perhaps even have sex, although there is no physical barrier preventing them from doing so)
- Asking permission to orgasm (“Please may I come, Sir?”)
- Forced orgasms (making someone orgasm even when they don’t want to, provided you’ve consented to CNC of course)
- Ruining an orgasm (stopping stimulation right before climax)
- Orgasm denial (ending a BDSM scene without orgasming)
- Orgasm torture or post-orgasm torture (repeated orgasms might be painful for some)
- Erotic hypnosis (making someone orgasm via hypnotic suggestion)
- Anchoring (heightening orgasm by anchoring the sensation to a word or touch – one of my favourite techniques)
- Remote controlled toys (one partner wears a remote controlled device such as a vibrator and is made to orgasm via it. This could be remotely or in public)
- Edging (maintaining a high level of arousal without orgasm)
The Edge-O-Matic 3000
With a name like that, it’s got to be intense, right? This device is designed to edge you electronically. From what I gathered, it’s a butt plug that detects pressure. As your body approaches climax, your muscles contract, and the device senses this. It then communicates with a control unit, which reduces or stops the toy you’re using to keep you from finishing.
However, I couldn’t figure out how exactly it connects to and controls a vibrator. Do you need a specific compatible toy, or does it work universally? And while it’s marketed as being for men and women, I’m unsure which male sex toys it’s designed to interact with.
One munch attendee commented, “Making it electronic takes away the fun”. I tend to agree. Often, the manual, hands-on approach is much more thrilling.
Read more about the Edge-O-Matic 3000 on their website.
The Ruined Orgasm Game
This game is a mix of orgasm denial, edging, and forced or repeat orgasms. Have your submissive pick a number between one and ten. That number becomes the ‘switch’ point, where you move from ruining/edging orgasms to forcing them.
For example, if they pick six, you would bring them to the edge six times, stopping just before climax (ruining six orgasms). Then you switch gears and give them four orgasms back-to-back.
This game needs to be tailored to your partner’s orgasmic abilities, of course. Achieving multiple orgasms isn’t realistic or comfortable for many, so adjust accordingly. Consider using smaller numbers to start and build up over time. Making the game as challenging, pleasurable, or fun as you and your partner desire.
Long-term orgasm control with casual partners
Not all BDSM dynamics happen within long-term, committed relationships. Consider how long-term orgasm control with casual play partners might create an emotional dependency or interfere with their ability to enjoy sex with others.
Orgasm control and multiple partners
Setting a rule that your casual partner cannot orgasm without your permission can be tricky if they’re also sexually active with others. While it’s possible, it might be difficult to enforce in practice and require much communicating (for example, is it up to you or your partner to communicate to the third partner that they can’t orgasm?). One member of the group had a “no middleman” rule, meaning their play partners had to negotiate with each other rather than having her be the messenger.
Another suggestion shared was to “nullify” orgasm control during interactions with other partners. You regain control over your orgasms whilst playing with someone else, with control reverting back to your Dominant once that encounter ends. This approach requires clear communication and trust, ensuring that all parties are on the same page.
The psychological impact of long-term orgasm control
Another point of discussion was the psychological and emotional effects of long-term BDSM dynamics. Practices like orgasm control can foster a sense of dependency and attachment. While this can deepen intimacy in committed relationships, it might be less desirable in casual arrangements where emotional entanglement isn’t the goal.
Consider limiting orgasm control to short-term scenarios, such as during scenes when you’re physically together, if you’d prefer to keep things casual. This avoids the psychological impact of long-term control whilst still letting you have short-term fun.
For those in committed relationships, emotional attachment is often a natural and welcome part of BDSM. In such cases, long-term orgasm control can enhance the bond between partners, reinforcing trust and connection in a meaningful way.
In any scenario, the key is to discuss boundaries and intentions openly, ensuring that everyone involved feels comfortable and respected.
Would I recommend the D/s Discussion munch?
Regular readers know I have mixed feelings about munches – not because they’re bad. In fact, they’re excellent for socialising with others in the community. My hesitation comes from being an introvert who finds small talk draining.
Some days, I’m on fire, and can chat with strangers just fine. Other times, doubt creeps in. My inner demons whisper negative thoughts: Why would anyone want to talk to me? I’m not entertaining. I don’t have funny stories. I’m boring! Ironically, this is just a false story I tell myself, part of a protective pattern learnt in childhood which is obsolete in adulthood but my brain hasn’t realised it yet. When that happens, I sometimes skip munches altogether, fearing I’ll end up standing awkwardly in a corner.
The format of this discussion munch helped me feel at ease. It gave the evening structure, so even if small talk had dried up (it didn’t), I could fall back on the topic – orgasm control – and ask about others’ experiences. This conversational “safety net” made the entire experience feel more comfortable.
If you’re near London and enjoy meaningful discussions, I highly recommend the D/s Discussion munch. You don’t even need to speak if you’re nervous – you can simply listen. While I’m not sure how often they’re held (maybe monthly or a few times a year), you can find them by searching the events section of Fetlife.com.
Take the plunge like I did and get out there. Know that your uniqueness is celebrated in the BDSM community and people will value your perspective whether you’re totally new to the scene (and secretly petrified) or a seasoned veteran.
