If you have kinky desires, want your partner to step up in the bedroom, or have a kink you are too embarrassed to discuss, then these 8 steps will help.
Communication is the secret sauce in kinky sex.
Being able to discuss sex openly and without judgement is THE golden ticket to a more fulfilling sex life.
That said, opening up can be tricky. You may feel uncomfortable saying certain words aloud, or unsure how your partner will react if they find out what you’re in to.
I still find it a challenge to bring up my preference for a Dom/sub dynamic with new partners, for fear of scaring them away or being judged outright as a misogynist.
Whenever I feel like this, I say to myself “This is part of who I am, and I need it to feel happy in a relationship. If they are dismissive or judgemental, then they weren’t the right for me anyway. Therefore I’m going to have the courage to bring it up when it feels appropriate”.
This affirmation seems to help.
Complete your sex menu
The first thing you absolutely need to do is complete a sex menu.
As a quick recap, a sex menu is a list of sexual activities against which you place a score indicating how much you’d like to try it.
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A sex menu will help you:
- Foster good communication
- Discover new things
- Give and get consent
- Minimise risk to yourself and play partners
But most importantly for the sake of this article, a sex menu can take away the guilt, shame or embarrassment many people feel when they talk about sex.
Because a sex menu has all sorts of kinky sexual activities pre-written, psychologically it seems less daunting talking about it – it’s as though you’ve been given permission because it was someone else who created the list, thereby absolving you of some of the guilt.
So if you haven’t completed one, hop over to my Sex Menu: A Beginner’s Guide for Doms and Subs article, download the free template and fill it in.
Time to communicate
Now that you have completed your sex menu, the next step is discussing the result with a partner.
Here’s what to do.
Step 1. Pick your top five
Look over your sex menu and pick 5 things you’ve identified as wanting to try. Write them on a piece of paper along with the score you assigned.
By limiting yourself to the top five you can keep your discussion focused, and your partner won’t be overwhelmed by the full force of your kinky shadow!
Step 2. Suggest a talk
Ask your partner if they have time to sit down and talk. Phrase it in a way which shows it is important to you, but without being confrontational.
Something like: “Hey, I recently did an exercise to uncover some activities I’m interested in trying in the bedroom. Would you have twenty minutes for me to share them with you? I’d love to hear your thoughts.”
This sets up the conversation to be open and honest. You’ve let them know it’s about the topic of sex, so it doesn’t come as a shock. And you’re not giving them any work to do, or blaming them for a lousy sex life. You’re simply informing them you want to share what you’ve discovered.
You’ve also set a time constraint, which is important to help you both relax. If you feel uncomfortable talking about sex, you know you’ve only got to do it for a set time period.
Set up like this, your partner should be curious, and more than happy to talk to you.
(A sex menu doesn’t have to be for long term partners. You can use it with casual sex partners too. Most people who are into BDSM and kink pride themselves on being good communicators, and won’t have a problem discussing sex menus with you. If they do, it’s a big red flag.)
Step 3. Set the scene
When the time comes to meet, do so in a neutral setting. A cafe or quiet bar can work well (less pressure), or in a room at home which isn’t the bedroom.
State again what the purpose of the chat is. You’ve gone through an exercise and wanted to talk through a list of activities which may be fun to try together.
Step 4: Share your vulnerability
Whatever you are feeling, share it.
You might be feeling nervous, scared, excited, curious, aroused, or any other number of feelings.
“I’m feeling quite vulnerable and nervous sharing this with you. It’s very personal and I don’t know how you are going to react.”
Listen for their response. Make sure they are taking it seriously and understand how you are feeling before proceeding.
Step 5: Explain the sex menu
Explain what a sex menu is, how the scoring system works, and how you recently filled one in. Explain how you’ve have taken the top 5 things you identified as wanting to try and written them down to discuss, and that you’re keen to know how interested they are in trying that activity with you.
Step 6. Discuss each activity in turn
For each activity, follow this script.
“The first activity is [insert activity]. I gave it a rating of ‘Yes, please’ which means I really want to try it. How interested are you in trying [insert activity] with me?”.
Listen to your partner’s response. Have them use the same scoring system if possible to gauge their interest level.
Here’s an important part – extend the same courtesy to them as they are to you. Accept whatever answer they give, even if it wasn’t the answer you wanted to hear.
If they aren’t interested in the activity, do not get into an argument about WHY. Move on to the next one.
Also, remember you are putting them on a spot. Don’t pressure them into giving you any other feedback than their score. If they want to open up to you, that’s fine too.
Repeat this process for all five of your activities.
Step 7. Find common ground
You now know how interested your partner is in doing your activities, and they’ve also learned a bit more about your sexual preferences.
Look for any activities where you are both enthusiastic. These are the ones to start with.
Even if there’s just one, that’s progress!
If you have zero matches (ie your partner is disinterested in everything on your list), you have a couple of options.
Option 1 is to show them your complete sex menu. Ask them to scan through it and find anything which you’ve indicated you want to try which they are also interested in.
Option 2 is to have them complete their own sex menu. Share the template with them, let them do it in private, and re-arrange a time to get together again to look for commonality.
Step 8. Thank them
The final step is to thank them for listening, being non-judgmental, and allowing you to share something personal with them.
Ask them how they feel, and if they have any questions.
Remember that simply by having an open discussion about sex with someone is part of the process of accepting and exploring your shadow self. Even if you didn’t have any commonalities with your partner (you’d hope you do seeing as you are going out with them!) consider it a success.
Concluding how to discuss kinky desires with a partner
Congratulations. If you followed the eight steps outlines above, you will have grown as a more sexually confident and authentic person, regardless of whether your partner was into your kinks or not.
I really do believe good communication, including being able to speak directly and listen actively is one of the main things that separates those that have average sex lives from those that have INCREDIBLE sex lives.
When you know how to discuss sexual preferences and kinks with your partner in an adult way, and do it regularly, I promise you’ll be happier in the long run.
