Whether you are new to BDSM or a seasoned professional that has been working the scene, at some point you have likely thought about coming out.
Possibly, you are already proudly flaunting your leather on the street. Or maybe you view BDSM as a more secret part of your life and don’t wish to tell anyone aside from playmates and partners.
What does Coming Out mean?
“Coming Out” is often thought to be a shortened version of the phrase, “coming out of the closet”, a commonly used expression in the LGBTQ+ community for disclosure of one’s sexual orientation or gender.
In this way, the closet is an oppressive, albeit safe, space for hiding one’s identity from the world that may not be ready for you. Once you are out of the closet, you are no longer hiding who you are.
The term also has a completely flipped meaning, still linked to the LGBTQ+ community. Pre Stonewall, coming out was a way to say that someone had made an entrance into the gay community. Imagine the coming out of a high-class debutante, making her debut into society. Many young LGBTQ+ people have had their moments of welcome and debut to gay society.
Either way, the term coming out is directly tied to and has its roots in LGBTQ+ history.
Now, don’t get it confused, being into BDSM and being LGBTQ+ is not the same thing.
Groups of Daddys and Littles aren’t being refused the right to marry based on their relationship style. Although these two communities often exist in a Venn diagram and intertwine, they are separate.
You are not morally obligated to come out about your BDSM relationship or fetishes to anyone.
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It can feel like we are supposed to come out about it, but in reality, you don’t owe this information to anyone. Keeping a secret affair is ethically wrong of course but having fantasies in your head and keeping them to yourself is not wrong or bad.
Often our heads get filled with wild fantasies. Some are even taboo and make us feel shame. You can talk to a professional therapist or psychologist if your thoughts are worrying you, however, most of us have taboo thoughts and fantasies that remain in our heads. You are not wrong for not sharing those thoughts or wanting to keep them safely to yourself.
Here are some things to think about before coming out about your BDSM relationship or lifestyle.
Who do I want to tell?
Perhaps you want to strengthen a friendship and get another perspective on your already existing lifestyle.
People can be surprisingly accepting, but often people may be shocked or appalled. Some people also do not want to hear any sexual details of your relationship.
Before you share with a friend ask yourself:
- Have this friend and I talked about sex before and did they seem comfortable? It can seem odd and uncomfortable to go from not talking about sex at all to talking about BDSM right away. Test the waters with some lighthearted chit-chat about your vanilla antics.
- Has this friend expressed any feelings about BDSM that are negative? If so, consider that sharing with them will likely garner a negative response. You can still chose to share but it may affect your friendship. They could see you as a deviant sinner and no longer wish to be friends. Be prepared for the possibility.
- Would I feel comfortable with this person’s partner and other close friends knowing this about me? People aren’t perfect and we aren’t robots. Just because you ask nicely for someone to keep this information to themselves doesn’t mean they will. Most people will tell at least their partner. Keep this in mind when sharing any secret, but especially one so personal.
Maybe you want to tell a current partner about what you would really like to do to them. In this case, consider the following:
- How long have we been together? Potentially your partner could be hurt if you didn’t tell them sooner. They may feel bad thinking that you didn’t trust them enough to tell them. Reassure them that this isn’t the case. Often our partners are our best friends. It is possible they can feel hurt that you were ‘keeping a secret”. Let them know that you are telling them now because you love them and want to share a more fulfilling sexual connection.
- Has my partner expressed negative feelings about BDSM? Same as when telling your friend, if they have expressed negative views in the past, prepare yourself for a negative response. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell them, rather be prepared that your partner may not be excited about this.
- Be prepared to accept that your partner is not into BDSM. I see posts from desperate married spouses frequently relenting “how do I make my partner into BDSM/a sub/a Dom?” and the truth is, you don’t. People are who they are. It is not for you to change, only for you to accept.
Why do I want to tell someone?
Most likely, if you are wanting to tell a current partner, it’s to share a part of yourself, and flog a part of them. Look over the points below before making your grand gesture:
- Are things slowing down for us sexually? If they are, your partner may feel like this is an attempt to spice things up. If it is, consider why they slowed down in the first place. Your partner may need something they aren’t getting. Consider their needs before coming out to them to avoid this exciting news coming off as a chore they won’t want to try.
- Are things ramping up for us sexually? Maybe the opposite is happening. Things are heating up and you’re on a hot streak. In this case, ask to try out some BDSM-lite moves in the bedroom and gauge their reaction. If they respond positively, this might be the perfect time to tell them about your desires.
Whatever your outcome, rest assured that there are people out here in this world that are just like you. Many of us have told people and had it go poorly, but when it goes right it can be beautiful and liberating. The only thing that matters is making the right decision for yourself to live the life you want.
