You’ve been thinking about exploring your submissive side, and the idea excites you.
But every time you consider talking to your partner about it, a million questions pop up: What if they don’t understand? What if it’s too risky? Where do we even start? The world of Dom/sub dynamics can feel like a minefield if you’re new to it, and without the right guidance, you might feel unsure about how to take that first step.
The good news is that it doesn’t have to be intimidating.
With clear communication and a few foundational principles, you can begin to explore your submissive desires in a safe, respectful, and exciting way.
Here’s how to get started.
1. Start with open communication
The first step to exploring your submissive desires is simple: talk to your partner. Yes, it can feel daunting to open up this conversation, especially if your partner isn’t familiar with BDSM or power dynamics. But the truth is, submission isn’t something you can just spring on someone and hope for the best – it requires honest, open dialogue.
To start the conversation, you don’t have to dive straight into the deep end with talk of ropes and restraints. Instead, frame it around a broader idea of wanting to deepen your connection and explore new dynamics together. Here’s an example of how you can ease into it:
“I’ve been reading about ways couples can build more trust and intimacy by exploring different dynamics in their relationship. What do you think about trying something where I let you take the lead more?”
This approach is gentle, inviting curiosity rather than pressure. It gives your partner space to ask questions and engage in the conversation, which is exactly what you want at this stage. By starting slow, you create an environment where both of you feel comfortable discussing what submission means and how it might work for your relationship.
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2. Establish boundaries and safewords
Once you’ve opened the conversation and both of you are curious about trying it out, the next step is to set clear boundaries and safewords. This isn’t optional. Whether you’re new to BDSM or have some experience, knowing your limits and how to communicate them is essential for keeping things safe.
A boundary is anything you’re not comfortable doing, or something that requires special care. For example, you might be open to trying light bondage but not interested in anything painful. Or maybe you’re curious about being given commands but want to avoid degradation or humiliation. The key is to discuss these boundaries openly with your partner so that they understand exactly where the line is.
Example
Amy and Jake are new to exploring BDSM. Amy is excited about the idea of restraint, but she feels uneasy about being blindfolded, which makes her feel too vulnerable. They agree that Jake can tie her wrists, but blindfolding will be off the table for now. They also discuss verbal commands. Amy likes the idea of being told what to do, but she sets a clear boundary: she doesn’t want to be called names that feel degrading, like “slave” or “pet.” By laying out these boundaries from the start, both Amy and Jake know what’s acceptable, avoiding any uncomfortable surprises.
A safeword is an agreed-upon word or signal that stops everything immediately. It’s a crucial tool for keeping play safe and consensual. A common system uses colors. Green means everything is good, yellow signals the need to slow down or check in, and red means stop right away. Safewords allow you to explore submission without fear, knowing you always have an “off switch” if anything feels uncomfortable or overwhelming.
Example
During their first scene, Amy and Jake agree on the traffic light system: green for “keep going,” yellow for “slow down,” and red for “stop immediately.” As the scene progresses, Jake begins to push Amy’s boundaries by trying a new position that’s slightly uncomfortable for her. Amy feels a bit overwhelmed and says “yellow.” Jake instantly knows to ease up, allowing Amy to adjust and relax before they continue. Later, when Amy starts feeling too emotionally vulnerable during a moment of restraint, she says “red,” and Jake immediately stops everything. They both take a moment to check in with each other, and Amy feels relieved, knowing that her limits were respected without question.
3. Take it slow and learn together
It’s tempting to jump headfirst into submission once the conversation is started and boundaries are set, but I encourage you to take it slow. Submissive dynamics aren’t something that needs to be rushed, especially if both you and your partner are new to this kind of power exchange.
Start with small, low-risk activities that help build trust and comfort. This could be as simple as letting your partner make decisions for the evening – what to eat, what to watch, or what activity to do next. You can also explore light physical submission, like asking permission to do certain things in the bedroom or allowing them to gently guide your movements during intimate moments.
As you and your partner grow more comfortable, you can slowly introduce more elements, like restraint, role play, or even power dynamics that extend beyond the bedroom. The key is to approach each new step with patience and curiosity. Check in with each other regularly to make sure you’re both feeling comfortable and excited.
4. Educate yourselves on BDSM dynamics
Exploring submission safely means being informed. The more you understand about power dynamics, boundaries, and BDSM practices, the more confident and empowered you’ll feel as you dive deeper. BDSM might involve some physical aspects, but it’s much more about trust, respect, and emotional connection than anything else.
I always recommend that couples take the time to learn together. This can be through books, reputable websites, or courses designed to walk you through the fundamentals of D/s dynamics in a clear, structured way.
I’ve written tons of articles on the subject so take a look at all the articles here.
One of the best ways to make sure you’re fully prepared is by enrolling in a course like The Art of Submission. Inside, you’ll learn everything you need to know about safe exploration, from understanding your own submissive desires to communicating clearly with your partner and setting boundaries that protect both of you. The course takes you step by step through the process, so you don’t have to figure it out alone.
5. Prioritise Aftercare
Aftercare is one of the most important parts of any BDSM dynamic, but it’s often overlooked. After an intense scene or experience, both you and your partner might feel vulnerable or emotionally drained. That’s where aftercare comes in – it’s the time you take to nurture and care for each other afterward, checking in emotionally and physically.
Aftercare can be as simple as cuddling, talking about what went well (or what didn’t), or making sure both of you feel safe and respected. It helps maintain the trust and connection between you, ensuring that both partners feel valued and cared for.
Final thoughts: Exploring submission safely and confidently
Exploring your submissive desires doesn’t have to be risky or overwhelming. With clear communication, boundaries, education, and aftercare, you can create a D/s dynamic that feels both exciting and safe.
If you’re ready to take the next step and dive deeper into what submission can bring to your relationship, The Art of Submission is here to guide you. You’ll gain the tools and confidence you need to embrace your role, communicate openly with your partner, and explore the dynamic you’ve always dreamed of.
Click here to learn more about The Art of Submission and start your journey today.
