Chief presents 30 varied exercises designed to improve communication skills within BDSM and D/s relationships. These activities aim to deepen the connection, enhance understanding, and ultimately lead to a better sex life. Ranging from joint journaling and desire mapping to more elaborate setups like role-reversal games and fantasy sharing, each exercise builds upon the previous ones.
Each exercise is discussed briefly, including instructions and several resources for each activity, emphasising the flexibility of the exercises to suit individual dynamics.
The episode encourages couples to actively practice these exercises to foster trust, empathy, and a more satisfying relationship.
Key timestamps
- 00:00 Introduction to 30 Communication Exercises
- 00:30 Why Communication Matters in D/s Relationships
- 01:28 How to Approach These Exercises
- 02:03 Week 1: Foundation of Communication
- 02:08 Day 1: Joint Journaling
- 02:28 Day 2: Desire Mapping
- 03:22 Day 3: Create Safe Words
- 03:44 Day 4: Daily Check-Ins
- 04:02 Day 5: Feedback Session
- 04:40 Day 6: Communication Games
- 06:11 Day 7: Weekly Reflection
- 06:30 Week 2: Exploration and Education
- 06:50 Day 8: Research Assignment
- 07:19 Day 9: Sensation Play Experiment
- 08:06 Day 10: Role Reversal
- 08:29 Day 11: Boundary Testing
- 09:35 Day 12: Kink Workshop or Webinar
- 10:38 Day 13: Fantasy Sharing
- 11:12 Day 14: Weekly Reflection
- 11:40 Week 3: Deepening Trust and Connection
- 11:47 Day 15: Trust Exercises
- 12:08 Day 16: Gratitude Lists
- 12:24 Day 17: Surprise Day
- 12:43 Day 18: Vulnerability Night
- 13:10 Day 19: D/s Day Out
- 13:46 Day 20: Aftercare Focus
- 14:06 Day 21: Weekly Reflection
- 14:41 Week 4: Integration and Future Planning
- 14:48 Day 22: Dynamic Goal Setting
- 15:18 Day 23: Contract Review/Creation
- 15:58 Day 24: Creative Play
- 16:31 Day 25: Self Care Day
- 16:47 Day 26: Community Engagement
- 17:15 Day 27: Legacy Letter
- 17:45 Day 28: Celebration Session
- 18:27 Day 29-30: Reflection and Relaxation
- 18:53 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
The 30 communication exercises
We’ve all heard the saying “communication is key”.
But when it comes to our sex lives, that key often feels stuck in the lock.
Whether you’re navigating a long-term relationship, exploring kink, or dipping your toes into BDSM dynamics, open, honest communication is the foundation that supports it all. Without it, even the steamiest encounters can fizzle out or become sources of confusion and frustration.
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The good news?
You don’t need a PhD in psychology to master it.
In fact, improving communication doesn’t have to be hard at all.
In this article, we’re going to cover 30 surprisingly simple, yet powerful exercises that will not only boost your communication but also add depth, intimacy, and excitement to your sex life.
From practical tips to playful activities, you’ll discover how to better express your desires, listen to your partner’s needs, and ultimately build a more satisfying sexual connection.
For best results, do each exercise in order, one per day. I know that’s a huge ask, and not entirely practical. So feel free to pick and choose what you do and when. That said, the more exercises you do, the better your communication will be.
Ready to transform your relationship, both in and out of the bedroom?
Let’s dive in!
1: Joint Journaling. Begin a shared journal where both partners can express thoughts, feelings, and desires openly. I recommend a Google Doc for this as it is easily accessible on multiple devices.
2: Desire Mapping. Each partner independently lists their desires, limits, and fantasies, followed by a discussion to share and explore these aspects. I recommend downloading the sex menu template from my website and filling it in. Make sure you follow the guidelines I give on Kinky Events for best results.
3: Create Safe Words. Review or establish safe words and discuss their importance in your dynamic. A very straightforward but important task. How will you know when your partner wants you to stop? Remember that a non-verbal safeword is also important.
4: Daily Check-Ins. Start a routine of daily check-ins to discuss feelings, needs, and desires. This could be when you wake up (although I’m not a morning person so that’s not for me!) or in the evening. It could be over Whatsapp too, doesn’t have to be in-person.
5: Feedback Session. Practice giving and receiving feedback on a recent play session or dynamic-related discussion. It’s important to understand what worked and what didn’t (because some things simply won’t work. If you’ve listened to all the podcast episodes you’ll have heard of many of my scene failures). The more you talk about sex, the easier it becomes.
6: Communication Games. Play a game where you guess each other’s likes, dislikes, and limits to enhance understanding. You can create your own game, but if you’re struggling, here’s my suggestion. Grab ten slips of paper, and write down ten BDSM activities, some you like, some you don’t. Then give them a rating of 1-10 (1 being you hate it and would never do it, and 10 being you absolutely love it). Make sure you have a good mix. Then take it in turns to read out an item from your list, and your partner must guess how you rated it. This will create a good discussion. An alternative game you might want to try is Betty Martin’s 3-minute game. Google that and you’ll find it, but essentially it’s a quick consent game to help you feel comfortable asking for what you want.
7: Reflection and Planning. Reflect on the week’s activities, discussing what was learned and planning for the week ahead. Take a look back at the 6 tasks you’ve both completed. What have you learned about your partner, yourself, and your dynamic? Share it with them!
8: Research Assignment. Each partner researches a new kink or BDSM aspect to teach the other. Perhaps there was something on the sex menu that intrigued you, or you’ve heard me mention something on the podcast and thought – that sounds interesting. Take a few minutes to learn more about it and share what you’ve learned with your partner.
9: Sensation Play Experiment. Explore non-sexual sensation play, focusing on the sub’s reactions and preferences. Refer back to the sex menu of the submissive partner and see what kind of sensory play they enjoy. Then spend ten minutes doing that for them.
10: Role Reversal. Engage in a light role reversal exercise to deepen empathy and understanding of each other’s roles. If you’re feeling adventurous, switch roles. Do the same sensation play experiment except the sub performs the act on the Dom.
11: Boundary Testing. Discuss and possibly test a soft limit, with prior agreement and safety measures in place. Once again, look back at your sex menu and have the submissive partner pick one item marked as a soft limit, which you as the Dom preferably enjoy. Then give the activity a go. Make sure to do this in a low pressure environment – if one partner feels uncomfortable at any point and wishes to stop, then STOP. The aim isn’t to make that person really enjoy the activity, it is just to experience the sensation of having a soft limit tested. Some may hate this, or others may find it a huge turn-on.
12: Kink Workshop or Webinar. Attend a virtual or in-person workshop on a topic of mutual interest. If you live in a city then go to the events section of Fetlife and attend a munch. Alternatively, look for talks about sex or BDSM on regular event websites. Failing that, you might be able to find some online workshops to attend. And for the adventurous, perhaps attending a swingers club or kink party might be your thing, or going to a burlesque show. Do some research and pick something which works for both of you.
13: Fantasy Sharing. Share a fantasy you’ve never acted on, discussing the feasibility and mutual interest. This is often easier to do over text. Moineau and I often do it this way, sometimes sharing porn videos or images depicting what it is we like.
14: Reflection and Feedback. Reflect on the week’s learnings and how they can be integrated into your dynamic. You’ve now done 13 different communication exercises. So once again, share with your partner what you’ve learned about yourself, them, or the dynamic.
15: Trust Exercises. Perform physical or emotional trust-building exercises. For example, blindfold your partner and then lead them around your house. Without sight they will have to trust you completely to guide them safely.
16: Gratitude Lists. Write and exchange lists of things you appreciate about each other. This is a super sweet exercise, and a reminder that BDSM isn’t just about sex, but also creating a connection with another human.
17: Surprise Day. Each partner plans a surprise gesture or activity for the other, emphasizing thoughtfulness and care. Not much more I can say on this one – I’ll leave it up to you as to how lavish the surprise is!
18: Vulnerability Night. Share a personal story or vulnerability you haven’t shared before, focusing on listening and support. If you want some tips, here are some questions to help. How has your upbringing influenced your beliefs about love and relationships? What’s your favorite way to connect on a deeper level? What’s your favorite memory of us as a couple?
19: D/s Day Out. Spend a day out with elements of your D/s dynamic subtly incorporated. You don’t have to attend a BDSM specific event. This is just about doing everyday things with a kinky twist. For example, perhaps you go out without underwear, or wear a day collar, or let your partner lead without knowing where you are going, or choose food at a restaurant for your partner, or the outfit they’ll wear for the day.
20: Aftercare Focus. Have a session with an emphasis on aftercare, discussing what works best for both. As we all know (and if you don’t, you do now), aftercare is very, very important. Do you know what your partner needs during aftercare and how much of it? Now is the time to find out.
21: Reflection and Planning. Reflect on how trust has deepened and plan for maintaining this growth. Once again, look back at the past 20 exercises and see what you’ve learned.
22: Dynamic Goals Setting. Set goals for your D/s relationship for the next 3, 6, and 12 months. Write them down somewhere you both have access to. They might be as simple as ‘I want to try activity X’, or ‘I want to attend at least one munch a month’, or something deeper such as ‘I want us to experiment with an open relationship, and understand if this is something we both feel comfortable with’.
23: Contract Review/Creation. Review or create a D/s contract that includes newly discovered limits, roles, and protocols. I’ve said it before, but you don’t need a contract if you are into BDSM. But it can be hot to create one as an exercise. If that appeals to you, open up a document and get typing! In this article you’ll find some examples and hints on what to put in it.
24: Creative Play. Devise a scene that incorporates elements learned or explored over the past weeks. Work together to incorporate items you’ve enjoyed in the past, or things you both want to try. How can you make it the hottest, most intense experience yet? Having done all these communication exercises, you’ll probably find even the simplest of touch now feels more special, as you are more deeply connected to your partner.
25: Self-Care Day. Each partner focuses on self-care, sharing their experiences and how it benefits the dynamic. How do you de-stress and look after yourself?
26: Community Engagement. Engage with the BDSM community through forums, social media, or local events to gain insights and support. I love looking at posts on Reddit, occasionally contributing some insights. Alternatively you can attend real world events.
27: Legacy Letter. Write a letter to each other expressing hopes and commitments for your dynamic’s future. This one is pretty intense but so worth it. I won’t give you any more instructions as to how to do it, just make sure your message is authentic and heartfelt.
28: Celebration Session. Celebrate the completion of the 30-day plan with a special session that includes favorite activities and reflection on growth. If you’ve been doing all these exercises every day, then wow, I’m very proud of you! You’ve made a substantial attempt to improve your relationship. I hope you’ve noticed positive changes. If you have, leave a comment or drop me a message to let me know!
29-30: Reflection and Relaxation. Spend these days relaxing together, reflecting on the past month, and discussing how to integrate the growth and discoveries into your ongoing dynamic. Finally, reward yourself with two days together, doing whatever it is you feel like. Perhaps a mini spa-break combined with hot sex, or maybe that’s just what I enjoy!
I hope you’ve found those exercises useful, regardless of whether you did them all or just one or two. Adjust the activities and their intensity to match your dynamic’s experience level and interests. But do give some of them a go, and I’m positive you’ll notice a real sense of connection with your partner, which in term will lead to a better sex-life and D/s dynamic.
