It’s Chief here, diving deep into the world of BDSM and D/S (Dominance and submission) to shed light on some common BDSM myths.
Through years of navigating the BDSM lifestyle, I’ve encountered a myriad of misconceptions that I’m eager to debunk for you today.
I aim to clear the fog and offer you a clearer path as you explore your own kinks and desires.
BDSM myth 1: Gendered roles
First off, let’s tackle the myth that the Dom is always a man and the sub always a woman. This is not the case.
Many of my early writings, influenced by my experiences as a straight male Dom, were written from my perspective. I therefore often used ‘He’ to describe the Dom and ‘she’ to describe the sub.
This doesn’t mean I ever believed that all Doms are men and all subs are women. Not at all. It was just that my initial audience for this website was male Doms and female subs.
As Kinky Events has grown, and attracted a wider audience, I made a conscious decision to write guides that appeal to a broader audience.
My later BDSM guides use little to no gendered words.
I still do occasionally, but know that it is never intended as a way to offend anyone. It is merely for ease of writing.
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BDSM is not about gender; it’s about the dynamic between individuals, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.
BDSM myth 2: The sub must always obey the Dom
One myth that particularly grates on me is the belief that a sub must obey their Dom in all things.
This couldn’t be further from the truth.
BDSM is built on the foundation of consent and negotiation.
If you haven’t had a frank discussion about your likes, limits, and the nature of your dynamic, then you are opening yourself up to abuse and be abused.
BDSM is not about coercion or forcing someone to do something.
Both partners must agree on their activities, ensuring that their play is safe, sane, and consensual (or risk-aware and consensual at least).
BDSM myth 3: BDSM relationships are abusive
There’s a dangerous stereotype that DS relationships are inherently abusive.
I want to make it crystal clear: BDSM involves consensual power exchange.
Any act, no matter how it might appear to outsiders, is rooted in prior agreement and consent.
It’s crucial to distinguish between non-consensual harm and the consensual exploration of power dynamics within a BDSM context.
For example, take face slapping. Slapping someone in the face may look like abuse to an outsider. But if both adults have consented to this activity in the privacy of their own home, ENJOY it, and are fully aware of the risks associated with such an activity (because there ARE risks), is that so wrong?
Not in my opinion, no.
If, on the other hand, one person slaps another person in the face when they HAVEN’T agreed that this will be part of their dynamic, then that IS abuse.
There’s a very clear line in my mind, as there should be in yours.
BDSM myth 4: All Dom/sub dynamics are 24/7
Another common misconception is that all D/S relationships operate on a 24/7 basis.
While some do choose this lifestyle, it represents a small fraction of BDSM dynamics.
Many engage in D/s as part of specific scenes or designated times, not as a constant state.
It’s about what works for you and your partner, not about fitting into a predefined mould.
Come up with how YOU want your dynamic to be, and how often you want to participate in BDSM. Then discuss this with your partner. Then negotiate between yourselves to find common ground.
BDSM myth 5: Kinksters were abused in the past
The notion that BDSM is only for those with past trauma is a myth I’ve heard too often.
While it’s true that BDSM can be a powerful way for some to reclaim agency over their experiences, it’s not a universal truth that anyone into BDSM has been through some horrific trauma.
BDSM attracts a wide range of individuals, many of whom have no history of trauma.
The beauty of BDSM lies in its ability to cater to a diverse array of desires and personalities, not in being a response to past pain.
That said, I do believe that much of our personality and sexual preferences is down to our childhood (yes, I’m being an arm-chair psychologist!). For example, I believe my personality is shaped by my life experiences in my formative years. It’s made me who I am today, and being Dominant is what comes naturally to me.
That doesn’t mean any trauma happened to me, just that everyday experiences as a child shape our big 5 personality traits as adults, and therefore are probably correlated to what we enjoy in bed.
As a side note, I also see many neurodivergent people involved in kink.
One hypothesis is that these people care less about what others think about them, and are therefore more willing to buck societal pressure and try out all the kinky things that more conservative members of society are too afraid to admit they might enjoy.
BDSM myth 6: Kink equals non-monogamy
Let’s dispel the myth that all kinky people are non-monogamous.
While there’s overlap between the non-monogamy and BDSM communities, they are not synonymous.
Many people enjoy BDSM within monogamous relationships. Many people also enjoy non-monogamy but aren’t kinky (swingers, for example).
Your dynamic is about what you and your partner(s) consent to and find fulfilling, not about adhering to someone else’s definition of what BDSM should involve.
If someone is pressuring you into being non-monogamous or playing with other people because ‘that’s just what people into BDSM do’, then run. They don’t know what they are talking about.
BDSM myth 7: All subs enjoy pain
One of the biggest misconceptions I’ve encountered is that BDSM must involve pain or physical discipline.
While many find pleasure in the interplay of pain and pleasure, BDSM is far broader, encompassing a range of activities that don’t involve pain at all.
It’s about the power exchange and the connection between participants, not specific acts.
So if you are worried because you are a Dom or sub who doesn’t enjoy being sadistic or masochistic – don’t be. You are free to create whatever dynamic you wish.
The key is to understand your core desires and make sure you have communicated them to your partner.
BDSM myth 8: Doms are dominant in everyday life, subs are submissive in everyday life
Finally, there’s the myth that all subs are naturally submissive in their day-to-day lives, and all Doms are inherently dominant outside of BDSM contexts.
The truth is far more nuanced.
Many people who take charge in their professional lives relish the opportunity to relinquish control in a BDSM setting, and vice versa.
BDSM provides a space to explore aspects of our personalities that may not align with our everyday roles.
There is sometimes a correlation, but you should never assume.
Conclusion
I hope that’s helped dispel some of the more common BDSM and Dom/sub myths for you.
Remember that the most important elements of BDSM are consent, communication, and mutual enjoyment.
Whether you’re just beginning to explore your kinkier side or you’re a seasoned practitioner, always prioritise the well-being and consent of all involved.
Let’s continue to build a community that welcomes and educates, fostering healthy dynamics that bring joy and fulfilment. That’s the mission of Kinky Events and why I started this website.
If you want to learn more, then check out my BDSM courses and BDSM books to accelerate your learning.
